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Some encouragement for young subs - 11/12/2013 6:26:48 PM   
obedientnwilling


Posts: 35
Joined: 9/19/2013
Status: offline 		Hey.

Let me come clean with you. Early in my time as a sub, I resisted. I often escaped just to get away. I felt very awkward and uncomfortable with the expectation of being truly soft.

The funny thing about trying to learn how to be soft is...look, this is very strange, and I doubt most subs will expect this...you feel almost like a straight guy trying to dress up as a woman. You feel like you're pretending to be something soft, sweet and delicate, and you start thinking somehow you're not. You feel like a phony. Don't give up. This is not something that happens overnight, and you simply aren't born with it. It takes practice. It's something you LEARN how to be.

And don't give up just because you get into arguments with your master. For my first three years living as a sub, my master and I argued constantly. It isn't a death sentence to the relationship. Learn to have a sense of humor about it. Try learning to have those moments, when you argue, that you break down laughing. If you learn to do that, you'll find yourselves sniping at each other just for the humorous content. This is good advice for people in any kind of relationship, and it applies to D/s relationships, also.

Feel free to contact me and talk to me if you're questioning whether your master might be more abusive than dominant, or just talk to me if you want to have some support. I'm here. I want to be your friend.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Some encouragement for young subs - 11/15/2013 7:43:45 AM   
shoot2thrill500


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/6/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: obedientnwilling

Hey.

Let me come clean with you. Early in my time as a sub, I resisted. I often escaped just to get away. I felt very awkward and uncomfortable with the expectation of being truly soft.

The funny thing about trying to learn how to be soft is...look, this is very strange, and I doubt most subs will expect this...you feel almost like a straight guy trying to dress up as a woman. You feel like you're pretending to be something soft, sweet and delicate, and you start thinking somehow you're not. You feel like a phony. Don't give up. This is not something that happens overnight, and you simply aren't born with it. It takes practice. It's something you LEARN how to be.

And don't give up just because you get into arguments with your master. For my first three years living as a sub, my master and I argued constantly. It isn't a death sentence to the relationship. Learn to have a sense of humor about it. Try learning to have those moments, when you argue, that you break down laughing. If you learn to do that, you'll find yourselves sniping at each other just for the humorous content. This is good advice for people in any kind of relationship, and it applies to D/s relationships, also.

Feel free to contact me and talk to me if you're questioning whether your master might be more abusive than dominant, or just talk to me if you want to have some support. I'm here. I want to be your friend.


This is so true and I have so much that I can say about it. I just ended a relationship because of arguments and issues with acting out and rebelliousness, I eventually felt that I lost my grasp and it became intolerable as much as I loved her.

It does take practice, some people have more of a desire to submit than others naturally.

In my opinion, having someone be topped or submit in the bedroom is a whole different matter than more of a full time thing. I'm not talking TPE either, just the basic letting go of ones pride sometimes and if a sub disagrees about something to do so respectfully and have a conversation about.

At least for me, I need someone to have the desire to submit to me because they view me as a leader rather than becuase they're being bullied into it. That's just my outlook though.

Submission is a gift and should be view as such by a master/top/dom and as in any relationship good communication is just so important.

-John

(in reply to obedientnwilling)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Some encouragement for young subs - 11/15/2013 8:03:35 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shoot2thrill500


It does take practice, some people have more of a desire to submit than others naturally.
It does take practice. I've always maintained that submission is easy when it's things you like or want to do. But, it's not really submission until you get to something you don't want to do or don't like.....and you do it anyway.

quote:

Submission is a gift
IMO, no it's not.

A gift is something that is given with the expectation that you will receive nothing more than a "thank you" in return. I don't give my submission and expect nothing in return. I give my submission and expect him to give me his leadership and dominance. I also believe that the Castlerealm inspired over-romanticism of things like the term "gift" are one of the reasons that so many D/s relationships fail in the first few months.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to shoot2thrill500)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Some encouragement for young subs - 11/15/2013 8:32:07 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		My submission isn't a gift. It's an exchange for HIS dominance. It's why it's called a Power Exchange.

_____________________________



(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Some encouragement for young subs - 11/15/2013 9:35:13 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		/agrees with the two women on top of me/

After my divorce, I went to work as a volunteer at a yoga retreat center whose volunteer program was based on the concept of Karma Yoga / Seva / Selfless Service. But it wasn't selfless - we got room and board and yoga classes twice a day and a host of other benefits. There's very little service that is truly selfless - the rewards may be as intangible as emotional gratification, but they are there.




< Message edited by kalikshama -- 11/15/2013 9:41:02 AM >

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
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RE: Some encouragement for young subs - 11/15/2013 11:11:30 AM   
orgasmdenial12


Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline 		Great post, couldn't agree more. Thanks for being so honest and brave in your comments, no doubt it will be a great support and boost to new subs, as well as a few experienced ones :-)

(in reply to obedientnwilling)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Some encouragement for young subs - 11/15/2013 5:06:41 PM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline
quote:

Submission is a gift and should be view as such by a master/top/dom


Hello John. Many say "submission is a gift" on CM and who am I to discourage anyone from saying this since they believe it and the exchange of these gifts are never one sided in a great relationship, it is an exchange of the gift of submission and the gift of Dominance, ying and yang. It is all good, right?

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to shoot2thrill500)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Some encouragement for young subs - 11/15/2013 5:24:40 PM   
caelestis


Posts: 195
Joined: 9/6/2008
Status: offline 		No matter how I try to interpret your use of the word soft (vulnerable, compliant, etc) I really can't relate. When it comes to the people I choose to submit to, being vulnerable wasn't a problem, I never felt like I was faking anything or that I had to be taught how to do so. I am submissive, and I was long before I had the vocabulary to express it. I was lucky I found this lifestyle and found healthy counterparts to this aspect of myself. Not everyone is like this, I'm well aware, and that isn't to say I'm not a complete spitfire at times.

The things I've had to learn are things like... how to do the things I hated but he wanted me to do anyway. If at any point I felt like I was being a "phony" I probably would have left, as that just reads as dishonest, both to him and myself.

_____________________________

"We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. Beautiful in the concept, if we're lucky, but frequently tedious or regrettable as we flesh ourselves out."
— Gregory Maguire



(in reply to Arturas)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Some encouragement for young subs - 11/15/2013 6:08:37 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:



/agrees with the two women on top of me/



It's been my experience that disagreeing with two women on top of me can lead to unpleasant consequences.

Sometimes, extremely enjoyable unpleasant consequences.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Some encouragement for young subs - 11/16/2013 6:30:46 AM   
shoot2thrill500


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/6/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

Submission is a gift and should be view as such by a master/top/dom


Hello John. Many say "submission is a gift" on CM and who am I to discourage anyone from saying this since they believe it and the exchange of these gifts are never one sided in a great relationship, it is an exchange of the gift of submission and the gift of Dominance, ying and yang. It is all good, right?

Indeed. Well put. There can't be one without the other.

I guess perhaps I'm selling myself short when I don't view my dominance as a gift.

-John

(in reply to Arturas)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Some encouragement for young subs - 11/16/2013 9:13:27 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Oddly enough, I disagree with about everything the OP says. I never fought with my Sir. I rarely if ever had trouble with submitting to him. I didn't have a problem being vulnerable to him, and I never felt as if I was a phony.
I was doing what came very naturally to me - and that was submitting to him. In fact, for me, it was as natural as falling down - that is to say, very easy.

It may have had something to do with my age - I was in my 40's when I came to my submission, and had pretty much already figured out my personality quirks.

For me there was never "learning" in it. It just was.

(in reply to shoot2thrill500)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Some encouragement for young subs - 11/16/2013 7:12:22 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: obedientnwilling

Hey.

Let me come clean with you. Early in my time as a sub, I resisted. I often escaped just to get away. I felt very awkward and uncomfortable with the expectation of being truly soft.

The funny thing about trying to learn how to be soft is...look, this is very strange, and I doubt most subs will expect this...you feel almost like a straight guy trying to dress up as a woman. You feel like you're pretending to be something soft, sweet and delicate, and you start thinking somehow you're not. You feel like a phony. Don't give up. This is not something that happens overnight, and you simply aren't born with it. It takes practice. It's something you LEARN how to be.

And don't give up just because you get into arguments with your master. For my first three years living as a sub, my master and I argued constantly. It isn't a death sentence to the relationship. Learn to have a sense of humor about it. Try learning to have those moments, when you argue, that you break down laughing. If you learn to do that, you'll find yourselves sniping at each other just for the humorous content. This is good advice for people in any kind of relationship, and it applies to D/s relationships, also.

Feel free to contact me and talk to me if you're questioning whether your master might be more abusive than dominant, or just talk to me if you want to have some support. I'm here. I want to be your friend.



My friends don't generally tell me how I feel... they also don't lecture me. And they don't presume I'm not able to differentiate between abuse and leadership.

It's great you found something that works for you, but geesh! what makes you think that the people here are this naive?

May I recommend that you learn the power of "I statements"?

good luck,
sunshine


< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 11/16/2013 8:05:10 PM >

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to obedientnwilling)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Some encouragement for young subs - 11/16/2013 7:20:21 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		kiwisub, I was starting to wonder if I was the only one! Master and I have never argued....ok, once and it turned out to be unimportant by the next day. And I never found submitting to him to be all that difficult. Yes, he asks me to do some things that are gross and hard to even think about doing, but I still do them no matter how much I don't want to. It's just who we are and how I react with him and actually with most people. It's just my personality. I never feel vulnerable or anything else the op mentioned.

Thanks kiwisub. Glad to know I'm not the only one!

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Some encouragement for young subs - 11/17/2013 6:10:25 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		In a former relationship that included a lot of arguing, he was emotionally abusive. In my current relationship, our only disagreements are about shoes - I want to be comfortable and he wants me to be fashionable

OP - arguing will mean different things in different relationships; it's hard to generalize.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Some encouragement for young subs - 11/17/2013 10:40:12 AM   
graceadieu


Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		What do you mean by being soft? I honestly don't understand what you mean by that.

(in reply to obedientnwilling)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Some encouragement for young subs - 11/17/2013 12:31:42 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Kana's advice to young subs is find a good dominant,one worthy of both trust and service, communicate lots and grow together,not apart.

But that's my advice for pretty much everyone,from 18-888.Just common freaking sense. It's a relationship folks-nothing more,nothing less.It may have some strange terms and conditions, but yeah,in the end,it's the same thing as the dating you've done all your life

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to graceadieu)
Profile   Post #: 16
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