Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Ending it


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Ending it Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Ending it - 11/13/2013 1:46:18 PM   
Born2PleezeU


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/3/2013
Status: offline 		i met a Domme (not through CM) and have been seeing Her for about 5 months, about 3 of which i have been under consideration. We have had our share of good times, and some fun play sessions, and it has been an honor to serve Her. She is a very good person, She has been very good to me, and i feel extremely comfortable with Her.

But lately, the D/s relationship is just not working for me. i feel like i need to move on. i feel like she is not the "one" for me. i would very much like to keep Her in my life as a friend, but i dont know if that is possible. i would even continue to bottom for Her on occasion if She so desired.

A big part of the problem is that She has fallen in love with me. i am extremely flattered, and i do feel affection for Her, but I cannot honestly say that i love Her as she does me. i have tried explaining all of this to Her, and at various times during the past 5 months i have expressed my concerns and reservations about our D/s relationship. None of that has deterred her. i do not wish to hurt Her because i like her a lot, i respect Her, and She has treated me very well. But i would like to be released from Her service.

i am afraid that if i am too blunt it will devastate Her. How can i go about ending it the least damaging way possible? And is it even possible for the two of us to remain friends under the circumstances?

Thank you all in advance for any assistance you can offer!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Ending it - 11/13/2013 1:53:21 PM   
Lisfor


Posts: 42
Joined: 11/9/2013
Status: offline 		why do you not want to be in service to her when being friends or bottoming is perfectly ok? To make a vanilla equation, that's like telling a woman you're dating that you don't want to date her anymore but you will still have sex with her. If you no longer want to pursue the D/s relationship the right thing to do is bow out completely, especially since you advertised to be looking for a D/s ltr. This, of course, is assuming you are being genuine and not just psyching yourself out about being in a D/s Ltr.

(in reply to Born2PleezeU)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Ending it - 11/13/2013 1:55:42 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		It's a hard situation when the person you're with cares more than you do.

The best I can tell you is to be honest, but be compassionate about her feelings, and give her time to heal before you try to be friends.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Born2PleezeU)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Ending it - 11/13/2013 1:58:42 PM   
Born2PleezeU


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/3/2013
Status: offline 		Lisfor - We are all adults here and we all have needs. If She still wanted me to Bottom for Her on occasion i would do it, assuming of course that i was still single and not in another relationship. But She is not the right one for me for a LTR. That shouldn't be too hard to understand.

(in reply to Lisfor)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Ending it - 11/13/2013 2:00:30 PM   
Born2PleezeU


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/3/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

It's a hard situation when the person you're with cares more than you do.

The best I can tell you is to be honest, but be compassionate about her feelings, and give her time to heal before you try to be friends.



Thanks for the advice, OsideGirl. I understand completely what you are saying, as i have been the on the other side of the equation in the past.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Ending it - 11/13/2013 2:12:17 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		I'll second what Oside said and add the following:

Don't offer to play or bottom for her. That leaves too much room to build up false hope that you might come around eventually and may prevent her from moving on. Keep the relationship platonic or don't try to have one at all. I've been on both sides of this equation and platonic friendship really is the best way to go.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to Born2PleezeU)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Ending it - 11/13/2013 2:15:27 PM   
lovethyself


Posts: 1818
Joined: 11/4/2012
Status: offline 		I think if you want to salvage the friendship with her, bottoming to her needs to be off the table, at least for the near future. It's hard separating out 'friendship' and 'relationship' in your own mind when love is involved. Sex or sexual energy purposely being roused after the end just makes it more confusing.

I've done both with prior partners. Having fwb sex with him after (while I still loved him) was so unhealthy for me emotionally that I almost killed the friendship because I didn't want to admit to myself it was over. She may think she wants it, but you aren't doing her any favours by drawing the end out.

If, after you have both solidified the friendship as just a friendship, and you are both wired for casual relationships, then you can discuss bottoming. Be willing to accept that it may not happen. She will need to assess for herself if she is capable of going there with the detachment needed to not get hurt by it.

(in reply to Born2PleezeU)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Ending it - 11/13/2013 2:29:11 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Great post, thanks for saving my fingers, lts.

_____________________________



(in reply to lovethyself)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Ending it - 11/13/2013 2:57:44 PM   
Lisfor


Posts: 42
Joined: 11/9/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Born2PleezeU

Lisfor - We are all adults here and we all have needs. If She still wanted me to Bottom for Her on occasion i would do it, assuming of course that i was still single and not in another relationship. But She is not the right one for me for a LTR. That shouldn't be too hard to understand.


So how do you not see that this is treating her like a whore?
I date a woman who thinks I'm dating to find a wife. We go out and have sex in the duration.
5 months later I decide I don't want to marry her or date her any more; but I tell her I will still have sex with her because, hey, we are all adults and we all have needs.
This is not ok! It is disrespectful in the vanilla world, it is disrespectful in the BDSM world.
I can see where you might be confused about "bottoming", but you need to realize that "topping/bottoming", especially in the mind of a typical woman interested in a D/s ltr is equivalent to how vanillas view sex. But then, judging from the response you gave me, you already know that.

So stop being the selfish monkey and walk away clean.

(in reply to Born2PleezeU)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Ending it - 11/13/2013 2:58:20 PM   
Born2PleezeU


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/3/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

I'll second what Oside said and add the following:

Don't offer to play or bottom for her. That leaves too much room to build up false hope that you might come around eventually and may prevent her from moving on. Keep the relationship platonic or don't try to have one at all. I've been on both sides of this equation and platonic friendship really is the best way to go.


You make an excellent point. Thank you very much.

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Ending it - 11/13/2013 3:00:26 PM   
Born2PleezeU


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/3/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lovethyself

I think if you want to salvage the friendship with her, bottoming to her needs to be off the table, at least for the near future. It's hard separating out 'friendship' and 'relationship' in your own mind when love is involved. Sex or sexual energy purposely being roused after the end just makes it more confusing.

I've done both with prior partners. Having fwb sex with him after (while I still loved him) was so unhealthy for me emotionally that I almost killed the friendship because I didn't want to admit to myself it was over. She may think she wants it, but you aren't doing her any favours by drawing the end out.

If, after you have both solidified the friendship as just a friendship, and you are both wired for casual relationships, then you can discuss bottoming. Be willing to accept that it may not happen. She will need to assess for herself if she is capable of going there with the detachment needed to not get hurt by it.


Thank you for such excellent advice. Very well stated!

(in reply to lovethyself)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Ending it - 11/13/2013 3:09:34 PM   
Born2PleezeU


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/3/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lisfor

quote:

ORIGINAL: Born2PleezeU

Lisfor - We are all adults here and we all have needs. If She still wanted me to Bottom for Her on occasion i would do it, assuming of course that i was still single and not in another relationship. But She is not the right one for me for a LTR. That shouldn't be too hard to understand.


So how do you not see that this is treating her like a whore?
I date a woman who thinks I'm dating to find a wife. We go out and have sex in the duration.
5 months later I decide I don't want to marry her or date her any more; but I tell her I will still have sex with her because, hey, we are all adults and we all have needs.
This is not ok! It is disrespectful in the vanilla world, it is disrespectful in the BDSM world.
I can see where you might be confused about "bottoming", but you need to realize that "topping/bottoming", especially in the mind of a typical woman interested in a D/s ltr is equivalent to how vanillas view sex. But then, judging from the response you gave me, you already know that.

So stop being the selfish monkey and walk away clean.


Yes, it is my intention to try to make a clean break with Her, as compassionately as possible. I will not mention bottoming.

But consenting adults who decide that a LTR is no longer in the cards are not "whores" if they choose to continue being play partners, or having casual sex. That seems extremely judgmental.


(in reply to Lisfor)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Ending it - 11/13/2013 3:47:57 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		I can't speak for anyone else but, if I loved a sub that no longer wanted to serve me but was willing to bottom to me, I couldn't do it. It would hurt my heart way too much to be in a limited relationship with him when I really wanted more.

I would much rather he made a clean break with me so I have time to heal completely before I consider whether I'm able to have a platonic friendship with him in the future. Just like I could never have casual sex with a vanilla b/f who broke up with me. I'd feel used, like a whore.

NBMG

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.


(in reply to Born2PleezeU)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Ending it - 11/13/2013 3:53:02 PM   
Lisfor


Posts: 42
Joined: 11/9/2013
Status: offline 		It would be if they'd both mutually agreed to it.
To break it off with someone with the offer in the same breath, that's treating the other person like a whore.

(in reply to Born2PleezeU)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Ending it - 11/13/2013 5:12:22 PM   
Born2PleezeU


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/3/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

I can't speak for anyone else but, if I loved a sub that no longer wanted to serve me but was willing to bottom to me, I couldn't do it. It would hurt my heart way too much to be in a limited relationship with him when I really wanted more.

I would much rather he made a clean break with me so I have time to heal completely before I consider whether I'm able to have a platonic friendship with him in the future. Just like I could never have casual sex with a vanilla b/f who broke up with me. I'd feel used, like a whore.

NBMG


I appreciate your thoughtful reply. This has been most helpful.

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Ending it - 11/13/2013 6:08:21 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		I had a sub who was honest that our relationship was no longer working for him. He praised my skills and friendship without asking or offering more play. I thanked him for his honesty and all he had helped me with, then told him to go in peace. He said he appreciated my graciousness, and that was the end. It was so seamlessly done I smile as much about the way we ended it as I do the play memories. There were no hard feelings whatsoever. (And shortly after, wonderful Huck dropped out of the sky and into my lap.)

Be sure to thank her for your time together and wish her well.

(in reply to Born2PleezeU)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Ending it - 11/13/2013 6:33:10 PM   
Born2PleezeU


Posts: 28
Joined: 5/3/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt

I had a sub who was honest that our relationship was no longer working for him. He praised my skills and friendship without asking or offering more play. I thanked him for his honesty and all he had helped me with, then told him to go in peace. He said he appreciated my graciousness, and that was the end. It was so seamlessly done I smile as much about the way we ended it as I do the play memories. There were no hard feelings whatsoever. (And shortly after, wonderful Huck dropped out of the sky and into my lap.)

Be sure to thank her for your time together and wish her well.


Thank you, i will make sure to do that.

If only more "breakups" could end as calmly and with as much class as yours did.

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Ending it - 11/14/2013 5:43:04 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Born2PleezeU

Thank you, i will make sure to do that.

If only more "breakups" could end as calmly and with as much class as yours did.



Granted, it helped immensely that I wasn't in head-over-heels-crazy-love with him. Either way though, I would have conducted myself the same. I'm just wired that way because I have to live with myself!

(in reply to Born2PleezeU)
Profile   Post #: 18
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Ending it Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094