Opinion needed please (Full Version)

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softpetals66 -> Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 2:18:26 AM)

ok so I have been chatting to a Dominant online and we had set up a time to meet for a coffee (public place) to see if there was chemistry etc. Two days before the meeting his online status changes to say he has a sub in his protection, he is her Dominant and hers changes to say she is his submissive. I txt him and cancelled the date, explaining there is no point as he now has a sub. He replies but we can still meet. I explain, I don't share. I also tell him, he could of told me he was seeing and playing with another etc. Now this sub is in the same local group I am, so we know each other.He then tells me it was to deter a male sub that was bothering her. I point out if he is bothering her online she can block him, if it is offline, call the cops. He then thanks me for my advice and ends all contact. Now to me warning bells are going off in my head, he is either very gullible taken in by whatever this sub has said or he is a Dom who needs to be needed or am I missing something. I would like your opinion on this please.



DarkSteven -> RE: Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 2:58:27 AM)

Welcome to the site!

Sounds like you got a taste of online. The guy's playing the field and had another sub he's been talking with. AND when pressed, came up with a silly story.

Meeting people online is flaky. Why not go to a munch and meet folks there?



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 2:59:47 AM)

Welcome to the discussion side softpetal.

If I were in this dominant's position, and let me clarify that: I'm chatting with you as a very new potential, am friends with the other sub (and you don't know how deep that friends goes or if it's of a romantic nature), and an issue cropped up wherein I felt I had to 'protect' the sub to keep her safe (Not sure exactly what issue that would be, as you yourself explain there are alternatives), the VERY LAST thing I would do is have you find out about it by reading my status change on the internet.

Because the most important thing from my view would be that as a very new sub, you have ZERO reason to trust me. So I would take great care that every single thing I did resonated trust. That means tell you, as my potential sub, about any 'complicated' situations that have arisen.

He failed to do that. And that's a huge red flag to me.

Here are some more: The sub under protection relationship is always a bit iffy to me. It speaks of a dominant with a 'White Knight' syndrome, however slight, and a sub who plays the 'Damsel in Distress.' These two are meant for each other, though I fear this relationships are often not terribly healthy. When they are, they tend not to last long; what *has* to happen when the Knight has fixed the Damsel's issues? Once the co-dependency is broken, the relationship dynamic is as well.

I think it likely that this dominant is playing games with both of you. Perhaps he's the type who likes to keep two (or more) women on a string, thus keeping them insecure and (hopefully) working hard to please him and to win first place in his affections.

The timing of this thing, changing his status two days before you meet, tells me there is a chance he was testing you, to see how gullible YOU are.

Since you know this other sub, meet her in person (preferably w/o prior planning) and ask her what's up. You want to do it in person so you can see her facial suggestions and body language. Of course it's possible that she is not in on the game, and is the very gullible type this man seems to be looking for.

I'm sorry I can't up with a more positive spin on your situation, but truly I don't think there is one.



Lisfor -> RE: Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 3:15:06 AM)

To me, a sub/dom is just a sub/dom, it doesn't mean they are boyfriend/girlfriend. I don't know if this was laid out in the beginning that you are looking for a dom to date.

I think perhaps you could have made it clear from the beginning that you do not share, and then perhaps you could have avoided contact from someone who is open to or intends to have more than just you as their sub.

I personally don't tell any subs/slaves I am considering about the others I am considering because I feel that it is crude and serves no purposes other than to give them the impression that they must compete with each other for the place, which I do not want them to do. But then, it is also made clear to those interested in serving me that it is not an analogue for a romantic relationship and I am not interested in one.



softpetals66 -> RE: Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 3:16:31 AM)

Thank you for your replies. As I said me and the other sub belong to the same small group. I hold the meetings at my house and they both will be attending the one next month together, was thinking of bringing up the subject to see what the others thought at the meeting.Both our profiles clearing state looking for a D/s relationship



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 3:26:29 AM)

Please do not bring this drama to your discussion group. It's the main reason people don't like to attend groups: too much drama.

I agree with Lisfor, he may be a man who dominates several females, but not in a sexual way, and doesn't feel it interferes with a monogamous romantic relationship.

He did have the option to discuss this with you before he changed his online status. He did not.



Lisfor -> RE: Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 3:26:55 AM)

I think bringing this up in group would serve nothing except to create unnecessary drama and unpleasantness. Be the gracious host, don't air your dirty laundry in public. You are through with this man, he is obviously not what you were looking for, shake yourself off and move on with grace. I would not be against having a concerned conversation with your friend about "hey, did you know he was trying to make me his sub while seeing you?", but don't stir up trouble just because you feel hurt. Don't stoop to being "that woman".



softpetals66 -> RE: Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 3:32:50 AM)

Don't think I could anyway Lisfor you are right, it isn't my style, I am just angry at the moment. I will be a gracious hostess



lizi -> RE: Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 3:38:30 AM)

He brought (what I would consider) unnecessary drama into your budding relationship, it doesn't work for you, so you let him go and moved on. Simple. It's not a match.

As for the group, take the high road, don't even mention it. Be gracious to everyone that comes, let them think that you weren't fazed. Fake it till you make it has some very real benefits, it'll help you get rid of your anger too. You will definitely look like the one in this situation who has their shit together.



softpetals66 -> RE: Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 3:50:30 AM)

Thank you everyone for your replies. I will hold my head high and be the perfect hostess and put this behind me.



JeffBC -> RE: Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 7:57:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: softpetals66
his online status changes to say he has a sub in his protection

And with that right there you know that you're looking at some fool lost in some sort of fantasy space. I prefer to dwell in reality and if I were "protecting" someone that protection would be a lot more tangible than a freakin label on a web site. At this point I'd be ignoring the whole thing as some sort of cartoon melodrama and be looking for a real person to engage with.



Nakhla -> RE: Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 8:35:19 AM)


I think as soon as "protection" comes into an online relationship it's largely bogus in my eyes. Someone online doesn't, in most cases, have much ability to protect you bar financial support or calling emergency services, and in practice, I've never seen "under said dom's protection" not overlap with "someone said dom wants to play slap and tickle with".

That being said, I wonder what would happen to one of these folks if their online submissive suddenly needed protection e.g. "My ex pimp and his biker buddies are coming to kill me - protect me!" Or if they wouldn't just disappear in a wisp of e-smoke.

OP - I think the answer is "online fantasy games - flush and forget".



OsideGirl -> RE: Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 9:18:35 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: softpetals66
.He then tells me it was to deter a male sub that was bothering her.
I believe that he's downplaying his connection to her in attempt to have you both.


quote:

He then thanks me for my advice and ends all contact.
Ohhh...Dommy temper tantrum. Regardless of anything else, that should make your decision for you.

Here's the crux of the matter for me: In my opinion, protection (as false as I think it is) is a higher level of commitment than causal dating or "consideration". He owed it to you to be honest about his relationship change before meeting you. Instead, you had to find it out on a website.

And I'm with everyone else, don't bring that drama to your discussion group. But, I'll also add that if he's planning to attend, he's also planning on wearing you down. I would suggest that you don't have a discussion with him unless his submissive is with him. I'm willing to bet the fact that he's only involved with her to protect her from a male sub would be a surprise.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 9:24:34 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: softpetals66
.He then tells me it was to deter a male sub that was bothering her.
I believe that he's downplaying his connection to her in attempt to have you both.


quote:

He then thanks me for my advice and ends all contact.
Ohhh...Dommy temper tantrum. Regardless of anything else, that should make your decision for you.

Here's the crux of the matter for me: In my opinion, protection (as false as I think it is) is a higher level of commitment than causal dating or "consideration". He owed it to you to be honest about his relationship change before meeting you. Instead, you had to find it out on a website.

And I'm with everyone else, don't bring that drama to your discussion group. But, I'll also add that if he's planning to attend, he's also planning on wearing you down. I would suggest that you don't have a discussion with him unless his submissive is with him. I'm willing to bet the fact that he's only involved with her to protect her from a male sub would be a surprise.


I agree with each word and only regret I didn't write them myself !



Rochsub2009 -> RE: Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 9:28:54 AM)

I'll start off by saying that I am a male, and so I am seeing this from a male perspective. But having made that caveat.......

Frankly, I think YOU were in the wrong in this situation. The two of you are not a romantic couple. Things may or may not have gone well with you. So why should he completely take himself off the market simply because he planned to meet you for the first time? That seems a bit unrealistic to me.

He may be poly, and so having more than one partner would be quite acceptable according to his world view. Moreover, he may have only viewed you as a potential play partner, and not a potential romantic interest. So once again, there was no need for him to tell you about other people that he may have been communicating with.

I could understand your concern if you were already in a relationship with him. But it sounds like you're getting jealous and possessive over someone that you haven't even met yet.

If I were him, I would run as fast as I could from you. And your comment about bringing it up at your group further solidifies that opinion. You seem to enjoy creating drama where none need exist.



UllrsIshtar -> RE: Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 10:06:48 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

I can understand your concern if you were already in a relationship with him. But it sounds like you're getting jealous and possessive over someone that you haven't even met yet.

If I were him, I would run as fast as I could from you. And your comment about bringing it up at your group further solidifies that opinion. You seem to enjoy creating drama where none need exist.


+1

You seem very immature, and very prone to drama.

Seriously you're 47 and you get "angry" because somebody you've never met before posts something on an online profile that's got zero to do with you?

And then you plan to drag your personal drama (that's based on absolutely nothing) out in a offline discussion group, with a bunch of people who don't give a shit present?

Plus, you're immature and naive enough to not realize that guys who run around "protecting" subs online are two time losers, who couldn't get a clue if it fell from the sky right into their lap?

Grow up, and start acting your age, instead of regressing to prepubescent behavior just because you want somebody to spank your ass in the bedroom.



DesFIP -> RE: Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 11:20:57 AM)

Until you met, he had every right to chat to other women. Actually he has every right to keep doing that until you both agree that you want to move forward in a monogamous relationship.

You hadn't even met yet so you had no claims on him. And while chatting to you, he was also chatting to her, and they've decided to tentatively start a relationship.

If you had not yet discussed monogamy, then you have nothing to complain about.

But deciding that she or he have huge problems is excessive. You don't know either of them so you can't say that. All you can say is that you've decided you're not compatible with him.



muhly22222 -> RE: Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 2:02:44 PM)

Like you, I'm not interested in sharing, and I'm only looking for one partner. But there have been a number of times where I was talking to two or three girls at the same time, and I only told them if they asked. But every time that I've taken myself off of the market (like now), I've only talked to the one person I wanted to go forward with. Nor have I ever used the "protection" concept.

So the fact that he was clearly talking to somebody else isn't necessarily a big deal, though the fact that he has apparently decided to make some sort of commitment to her, however ephemeral that ends up being in practice, may well signal a large degree of incompatibility between the two of you. His failure to inform you that he was taking a different route may well signal that incompatibility as well, though I wouldn't say it was troubling...that's a tough conversation to have, and many people simply walk away from relationships that have been conducted solely online. And his intent to meet you even after declaring himself committed again signals incompatibility. He may be poly, but he should have told you that beforehand, and you probably should have mentioned that your expectation was for a one-on-one relationship.

So you're incompatible with him. That's all it is.



kiwisub12 -> RE: Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 3:54:34 PM)

Agree with DesFIP and muhly22222 - when I was looking for another dom, I was meeting and talking to several men. My work mates thought I was the bomb! lol. I didn't specifically say I was seeing others, but if they asked, I told them. A couple of men got butthurt and vanished, but most of them were ok with it.

My sweetie knew I was seeing others, and basically said he ok with waiting for me to make up my mind. If there is chemistry there , the other will wait for you to make up your mind.

As for making up stories, seems that he could have just told you the truth. There was no agreement of monogamy, so he wasn't doing anything wrong.



DesFIP -> RE: Opinion needed please (11/14/2013 4:59:05 PM)

But deciding to throw a hissy fit when she meets both of them at a group function, embarrassing everyone else in the group, will only convince them that you shouldn't be welcome in the group. As well as convince him that he had a lucky escape.



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