Having issues with Femdom fetish (Full Version)

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Ulfbehrt -> Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/17/2013 8:23:49 PM)

Alright. First off some backstory.

I'm 20. Since the early age of 15, I had a fairly acute fantasy of being enslaved by women (for sexual use only, at first) from then onwards. Because it may be relevant, I should mention that at this stage in my life I was very much a shut-in, what some people in certain circles might label a NEET or hikki (although NEET is hardly applicable at such a young age) I was very much unable to speak with new people which made it hard to make new friends, or just generally socialize with people. This was because of my constant moving from city to city due to my mother's inclinations of not wanting to stay in one place for too long and my father's inability to just say "no". This made it very difficult to have friends and as such I sort of just shrank back into my video games and other distractions. This, coupled with the moving every other year, made my teenage life a living hell in terms of socializing with people. During this period, my fantasy of "being enslaved by women for sexual use", evolved into being enslaved for domestic, etc. until eventually it could just generally be qualified as having a raging hard-on for femdom. I felt a great deal of shame about this fetish, mostly because it made me sexually confused, for example, I really didn't think I could date women normally and thus it made me shy away from dating regular girls even moreso than my social anxiety/inability did. It also made me feel emasculated as a free, regular man.


So fast forward 5 years until I'm 20. I'm now able to socialize, having went through a great deal after leaving high school, as well as a general lifestyle change. I'm no longer a NEET. I'm no longer a shut-in. I bodybuild. I talk to girls with ease. I've had what I consider to be a fairly successful relationship history in the past two-three years than I've had in the past five. Still a virgin, but moreso out of choice and the women I date being less easy. And that's fine, because that's what I really like in vanilla girls. I still have this fetish, only now here's the deal. At the beginning of this year I talked to a girl up here and ended up showing her my Facebook. She ended up blackmailing me and enslaving me for about a month. It was very difficult for me to decide whether I wanted this or not, but at the end of the month she ended up letting me off, saying she had no intention of actually following through with the threats, etc.


Before that, and now after that, I find myself making profiles on here, chatting up dommes, getting my rocks off and then leaving after I've had my orgasm. (I'm probably going to lose alot of readers at this point!) It's also worth noting that I've spent ALOT of money on this fetish. I've bought e-books online, bought a collar in a fetish store and took pictures of myself in it for women online (this was during a very particularly horny period) and even subscribed to various prodomme sites. However, I'd never think of paying a prodomme. Ever.


But here's the thing; when I'm out in public, when after I've orgasmed, when I'm out and just being normal I don't want to have a Femdom fetish. Even when I masturbate now, I feel horrible and ashamed with myself, like I did before when I was much younger.




So what do I do about it? Do I go to see a psychologist? I've reached the point where I really just don't want to have this be a fetish, I really don't. But lately it's all I've been getting off to, and it's frustrating because I do what I mentioned above, and then after that's done my interest in the fetish is lost completely. With every other sexual "like" I have, (like girl's asses, giving anal sex to girls, etc.) I don't feel bad about except for this one.



Please help if you can, sorry if it's a tad long or doesn't read too well. I'm mostly looking for advice or a diagnosis (however unprofessional it might be).



SoulAlloy -> RE: Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/17/2013 8:37:03 PM)

If it's bothering you that much, I'd say seek professional help.

Personally having felt like you did when I was 20 I feel much better now having accepted my sexual fantasies and realising there is nothing wrong with having them and (shock, horror!) enjoying them.



DesFIP -> RE: Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/17/2013 8:41:47 PM)

First, expect this post to disappear because discussing your sexuality at an age under that of majority is not permitted.

Second; yes, go get some therapy. You are conflicted and ashamed of your sexuality. That is not a good thing. You need to fix the conflicts. Now you may find afterward that you'll be fine being submissive or bottoming which would be fine. You may find afterward that you are no longer attracted to powerful women, which would be fine also. But you should also learn to take responsibility for your own life and not blame it on your parents.

Lots of families move a lot due to job or military. Many people from that background come out ahead of the game in being able to adapt to new circumstances, they learn to make friends easier.

And since you imply your father is submissive also, you need to work on whether your shame about this is because you are attracted to women who remind you of your mother and resolve your feelings towards your parents. Which will also help free you to decide what you want to do, and help you gain the motivation to do it.



anniezz338 -> RE: Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/17/2013 8:44:31 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Ulfbehrt

Still a virgin, but moreso out of choice and the women I date being less easy. And that's fine, because that's what I really like in vanilla girls.


Oh really? Are you saying women in the lifestyle are more easy? lol little do you know.

My only advice is to deny yourself.



tiggerspoohbear -> RE: Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/17/2013 9:27:58 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338


quote:

ORIGINAL: Ulfbehrt

Still a virgin, but moreso out of choice and the women I date being less easy. And that's fine, because that's what I really like in vanilla girls.


Oh really? Are you saying women in the lifestyle are more easy? lol little do you know.

My only advice is to deny yourself.

+1



MistressDarkArt -> RE: Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/17/2013 9:40:16 PM)

OP, let me clear up a common misconception for you. Dominant women are no more or less 'easy' than anyone else. If anything, they are more discerning about the partners they choose. Plan on bringing your 'A' game, as they're not likely to suffer fools or bullsh*t.

Re: your fetish: any time you cannot reconcile your conflicts, it will suck to be you. Find a kink-friendly therapist to help you work this through before proceeding further. Best of luck.



Ulfbehrt -> RE: Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/17/2013 9:47:01 PM)

quote:

OP, let me clear up a common misconception for you. Dominant women are no more or less 'easy' than anyone else. If anything, they are more discerning about the partners they choose. Plan on bringing your 'A' game, as they're not likely to suffer fools or bullsh*t.


quote:

Oh really? Are you saying women in the lifestyle are more easy? lol little do you know.



Please explain to me where I stated or implied in this sentence;

quote:

Still a virgin, but moreso out of choice and the women I date being less easy. And that's fine, because that's what I really like in vanilla girls.


That women in the BDSM lifestyle are easy. Thank you.



MistressDarkArt -> RE: Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/17/2013 10:00:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ulfbehrt



Please explain to me where I stated or implied in this sentence;

quote:

Still a virgin, but moreso out of choice and the women I date being less easy. And that's fine, because that's what I really like in vanilla girls.


That women in the BDSM lifestyle are easy. Thank you.


See bold part of your statement. It reads to me as though you consider 'vanilla girls' somehow different than kinky women. Just thought I'd let you know we're all women first, no matter the label, so you don't get confused and make assumptions about kinky women OR vanilla women.

And something else? You state you would never pay a prodomme, yet you've admitted to spending lots of money on websites, collars, buying e-books. Seriously, what is the difference? As long as you can afford it, and as long as it brings fulfillment, where is the harm and what is the purpose of differentiating?

These are rhetorical questions we in the audience don't need the answers to. They are there to get you started processing why you're conflicted.



Ulfbehrt -> RE: Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/17/2013 10:11:08 PM)

quote:

See bold part of your statement. It reads to me as though you consider 'vanilla girls' somehow different than kinky women. Just thought I'd let you know we're all women first, no matter the label, so you don't get confused and make assumptions about kinky women OR vanilla women.


I apologize for the confusion, no harm was meant by it. I'd change it, but I cannot edit my OP, it seems.

quote:

And something else? You state you would never pay a prodomme, yet you've admitted to spending lots of money on websites, collars, buying e-books. Seriously, what is the difference? As long as you can afford it, and as long as it brings fulfillment, where is the harm and what is the purpose of differentiating?


This is something else I'd like to leave alone and not get off topic with.

EDIT:

quote:

These are rhetorical questions we in the audience don't need the answers to. They are there to get you started processing why you're conflicted


Well, in that case thank you.



UllrsIshtar -> RE: Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/17/2013 10:14:38 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ulfbehrt



Please explain to me where I stated or implied in this sentence;

quote:

Still a virgin, but moreso out of choice and the women I date being less easy. And that's fine, because that's what I really like in vanilla girls.


That women in the BDSM lifestyle are easy. Thank you.


See bold part of your statement. It reads to me as though you consider 'vanilla girls' somehow different than kinky women. Just thought I'd let you know we're all women first, no matter the label, so you don't get confused and make assumptions about kinky women OR vanilla women.



I don't read it like that at all. I read him saying -a bit awkwardly- that he's still a virgin because all the women he's dates haven been "less easy", but it's okay to him that he's still a virgin due to this because he likes it when vanilla girls are "less easy". This states that he does not like vanilla girls who are easy, but state anything at all about kinky women, as he didn't state a preference either way on what he likes in a kinky woman.



UllrsIshtar -> RE: Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/17/2013 10:17:55 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Ulfbehrt

quote:

And something else? You state you would never pay a prodomme, yet you've admitted to spending lots of money on websites, collars, buying e-books. Seriously, what is the difference? As long as you can afford it, and as long as it brings fulfillment, where is the harm and what is the purpose of differentiating?


This is something else I'd like to leave alone and not get off topic with.



My guess is it's because he equates prodommes with prostitutes, and he has a semi-worshipping thing going on for women who are "less easy" which prostitutes are not, and therefore (in his mind) prodommes are not.

Which of course, only makes sense if he also equates massage therapists, or personal trainers with prostitutes, as both of those also offer a personal physical service that does not involve sexual activities, but that's a mental hangup he probably has no interest in getting over.



Ulfbehrt -> RE: Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/17/2013 10:29:06 PM)

quote:

My guess is it's because he equates prodommes with prostitutes, and he has a semi-worshipping thing going on for women who are "less easy" which prostitutes are not, and therefore (in his mind) prodommes are not.


It has less to do with what I think of prodommes and more that I would now have to spend a specific period of time taking part of the things I fantasize about in the comfort of my privacy. It is also something that is considered highly sexual by myself, (even if it isn't) because being whipped, etc. sends a sexual image through my mind, or at least it does when I am in the privacy of my own space, so I do think of them as prostitutes. There is also alot of stigma based around Findommes being equitable to Prodommes, which probably isn't correct, but I don't exactly talk or discuss this often in a serious context.



Secretdamsel -> RE: Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/17/2013 11:02:00 PM)

It takes a long time to like who you are but you can and will be happier when you do.



ResidentSadist -> RE: Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/17/2013 11:21:27 PM)

Well, before all the BDSM sluts go ape bashing you for calling them sluts, let me see if I get this straight.

1) You were a virgin during the time you were a Hikkikomori entrenched in video games and sexual fantasies of being sexual dominated by women.
2) You grew out of it to become a normalfag like the rest of us and lost your virginity, indulging in some sexual kinks like anal sex.
3) Although you indulge some of your other kinks in person, when if comes to the FemDom thing you spent wads of cash on wank material but never invested in a Pro Dominatrix session in real life.

Well, there you have it. What's to be ashamed of other than you didn't "pony up" and finish the journey to your fantasy? Fuck that advise about denial. Denial is what are already doing and how's that working out for you? Follow the good advice of man much wiser than both you and I:

"In order to know virtue, we must first acquaint ourselves with vice."
~ Marquis de Sade

So go spend you next wad of cash on some real life encounters. Get up close and personal, stick you nose in it, stick you dick in it. You have a chance that you may finally satisfy the fetish and it will lose its luster. If not, you are no worse off then you are now and at least you invested your time and money in progress instead of perpetuating the cycle of denial.

Good luck.



LadyPact -> RE: Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/18/2013 12:39:12 AM)

I'm not going to say that you need therapy because you are kinky. You might want to think about some therapy *if* you want some help accepting your kinky self.

You may not really be kinky. It might be a phase. On the other hand, you might just be kinky, and why struggle if you don't have to?

Whoever you are, self acceptance is a really wonderful thing.



ResidentSadist -> RE: Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/18/2013 1:25:56 AM)

I agree that self acceptance is a really wonderful thing and therapy may help *if* he wants to accept his kinks. But I don't think it is an "if" situation and suspect you don't think so either. I don't think he posted here on CollarMe forums which are billed as "The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet" because there was an "if" in there somewhere. I think he posted here to get reassurance, to shed the shame and indulge the kink . . . like the note a runaway leaves that says they are "leaving on bus # 7 at 4:00 and don't try to stop them".

Were the OP seeking a way to avoid the kink in order to avoid his shame, he would be at the local "Lady of Grace" or the posting on christiansexaddict.com forums seeking advice from people that have recovered from sexual vices . . . not from CollarMe.com where people advocate, indulge and celebrate these type of kinks.

Lets assume we are old enough and smart enough to take the post and the environment it is posted in into account. Let's presume that "I don't want to have a Femdom fetish" is like the runaway note and the real issue is "Even when I masturbate now, I feel horrible and ashamed with myself." That is where your advice about how to accept his kinks comes in. But for the same money, if the mission really is to get acceptance, wouldn't it be faster results in fewer sessions with a dominatrix than a therapist? Somehow I see him finding acceptance in a pool of jizz on a leather boot that smells like it has been in his ass . . . and now he has to lick those boots clean. I see it as years of therapy vs 1 hour and 30 minutes with a wicked good pro Dominatrix.

Just sayin'
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'm not going to say that you need therapy because you are kinky. You might want to think about some therapy *if* you want some help accepting your kinky self.

You may not really be kinky. It might be a phase. On the other hand, you might just be kinky, and why struggle if you don't have to?

Whoever you are, self acceptance is a really wonderful thing.





BecomingV -> RE: Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/18/2013 1:33:46 AM)

"The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it... I can resist everything but temptation."

Oscar Wilde

Hi Ulfbehrt,

I wish you all the best in your journey of self-discovery and hopefully, self-acceptance.

Virtually everyone in their 20's is experiencing a decade of discovering their identity. I'd like to encourage you to keep discussing your desires, fears and questions.

I've also traveled while raising kids and like another poster said, they came out open-minded, enthusiastic about exploring and highly adaptable. However, they did have each other and they had me, encouraging them to write and keep up friendships after we moved away. In later years, the internet made that easier to do.

So, in reading your post, I'm surmising that you felt isolated while growing up. You perceived your Mom to have power and your Dad to be a man who did not express power. Now you discover that you have your sexuality linked up with kinky ways, ie/ submitting to Dommes. Although, your isolation habits lead you to interact with both online distance and financial considerations involved. You may need it to be that way. I'd look into the FinDomme, ProDomme and Domme differences. You are in your 20's. Explore the different ways of relating to women sexually. You may not need the distance or the financial factors. Like everyone else, you have to try to know what is right for you.

When you say you don't want the kink... that could be a problem. Sexual kinks tend to be overwhelmingly hard-wired. If you can't change your kink, then you will have to change your attitude about it.

You can control your self-acceptance. There's a saying, "You can't put an old head on young shoulders." That is sometimes taken by young people as an insult, but really, I think it's more about the futility of elders passing on their experience-based wisdom. You have to create your own experiences.

Another thing about youth and in particular, your age group, is the fast food, google it and know it all right now environment, is that you may need to exercise some patience muscles. Just because this kink distresses you now does not mean that it need distress you always. You may come to derive immense pleasure from the kink, the identity and the lifestyle.

This site has many kinky people who married vanilla partners. Some lie. Some cheat. Some live in constant guilt, shame and regret. So, please, understand that you have choices to make. I suggest that the first one is to accept who you are right now, the way you are, with your thoughts and feelings as they are. It is okay to be you. As for the angst, there's no substitute for trying things out for yourself.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/18/2013 1:55:31 AM)

FR

I strongly suggest you go to a munch and meet some real kinky people in person. A munch is just a group of people with a shared interest having a meal or drinks together. No play, no sex, no one in thigh-high boots waving a riding crop around. No one outside the munch will know you are there because of kink - you could just as easily be a bowling league or a book club.

I think if you meet a bunch of kinky people in person and talk to them, it will go a long way to dispelling the idea that there is something shameful about it. What you will notice is a bunch of pretty normal folk - there will probably be someone who's a bit grumpy, someone who is very friendly and welcoming, someone who tells bad jokes, someone who likes to show off, someone who is very shy: in other words, all different types of people, just like normal life. Some of them will be in committed, 24/7 dom-sub relationships, some of them will only play in the bedroom, some of them won't have it figured out yet. I think once you meet them and realise there's nothing unusual about them, you will start to feel more relaxed. What you do or don't do in the bedroom doesn't define you as a person.

Sex is normal. It's part of the adult experience. Human sexuality is weird and freaky and bizarre and that's fine. Everyone you meet has some sort of fantasy. Your neighbour, your ex girlfriend, your old math teacher, your granny! They all have sex, and they all like it differently. It's nothing to be ashamed of - it's an in-built function of the human body, and we're designed to want it and like it. The only times that sex is something to worry about is if it's causing major problems in your life - ie. getting STDs because of repeated unsafe encounters, or ruining your relationships because you can't resist the urge to screw around, or making you unable to think about anything else. Otherwise, give yourself permission to get freaky. Own your own sexuality. You owe it to yourself to explore your entire personality and try tons of different things.

I strongly suspect once you come to terms with what you like, you will find that you can come again from non-kinky sex.

Go out and experience kink, and meet some kinky folk. Remind yourself that there are thousands of people who like the same thing (seriously, do you think there would be so much femdom porn if you were weird?). If you still feel horribly conflicted and ashamed in six months or so, then yes, consider therapy. Just don't think that the kink is the problem, the problem is the internal conflict.



LadyPact -> RE: Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/18/2013 2:29:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist
I agree that self acceptance is a really wonderful thing and therapy may help *if* he wants to accept his kinks. But I don't think it is an "if" situation and suspect you don't think so either. I don't think he posted here on CollarMe forums which are billed as "The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet" because there was an "if" in there somewhere. I think he posted here to get reassurance, to shed the shame and indulge the kink . . . like the note a runaway leaves that says they are "leaving on bus # 7 at 4:00 and don't try to stop them".

Were the OP seeking a way to avoid the kink in order to avoid his shame, he would be at the local "Lady of Grace" or the posting on christiansexaddict.com forums seeking advice from people that have recovered from sexual vices . . . not from CollarMe.com where people advocate, indulge and celebrate these type of kinks.

Lets assume we are old enough and smart enough to take the post and the environment it is posted in into account. Let's presume that "I don't want to have a Femdom fetish" is like the runaway note and the real issue is "Even when I masturbate now, I feel horrible and ashamed with myself." That is where your advice about how to accept his kinks comes in. But for the same money, if the mission really is to get acceptance, wouldn't it be faster results in fewer sessions with a dominatrix than a therapist? Somehow I see him finding acceptance in a pool of jizz on a leather boot that smells like it has been in his ass . . . and now he has to lick those boots clean. I see it as years of therapy vs 1 hour and 30 minutes with a wicked good pro Dominatrix.

Just sayin'

I tend to think it's both. You know I'm usually the first person to say get out, meet people, and do things. At the same time, we do get a lot of submissive males who do tend to struggle with being a submissive male. A lot of it is social/stereotypical crap, but even just saying that doesn't change the thoughts the OP has in his own head. When a person feels ashamed just for their own thoughts, it can be a tough leap to get to the action part.

While each gender, role, orientation, and/or combination of these have their own set of things to accept, I think I see the word "shame" associated most often with the way submissive/bottom males say they feel about themselves. Especially when they don't have their feet wet yet.

I also think there's more help than what there might have been before. It could go either way. If he's worried about engaging in his kink because there will be a shame backlash, there's also some possibility that he would feel better if he addressed that first. Always hard to tell just from a single post.

Either way, best of luck to the OP.




KYsissy -> RE: Having issues with Femdom fetish (11/18/2013 7:33:50 AM)

It took me to about the age of 35 to fully accept and embrace my kinks. I had the same conflicts at your age. dont what else to say except that at some point you will probably accept it fully and then you can find a like minded partner and have a good relationship with her.



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