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BitaTruble -> My BDSM birthday (7/3/2006 11:35:01 AM)
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24 years ago today.. July 3rd, 1982, I knocked on the door of the first man who was to become Master to me at 4:50 PM in the afternoon. I had never met this man. I told no one what I was doing, where I was going. There was no safe call, no safety net of any kind. He told me that he could kill me and bury me under his home and no one would ever find me .. and he was 100% right.
I was driven purely by need and desire. The thought of my own safety, if it even entered my head, would only have been another component of my desire to become a .. thing .. to be used and if discarded later, that was all good. In order to have self-esteem, one must acknowledge their own ego. I didn't exist to me, as a person .. so could not (or probably would not) acknowledge any ego and self-esteem was a fictional thing which others possessed .. not me.
I had never read a single book, didn't know a single other person who was as I was. I knew nothing of BDSM or the man who would practice his craft on my mind and body for the next three years other than the feeling of power that issued forth from him through snail mail correspondence and a couple of phone calls. I knew only that this beast within me needing feeding and I was bound and determined to have my fill and damn the consequences.
It was exhilarating, thrilling, scary and had a profound impact on me so that when I walked out the front door some 10 or 12 hours later, I was forever changed.
I have never looked back .. never embraced anything other than what it is that I now do .. never left, never thought about leaving BDSM. I've cried tankers full of tears since that time in sorting out what the hell was 'wrong' with me that I love this so .. but it never deterred me from my chosen course in life.
I have grown since that day 24 years ago in a lot of ways and BDSM generally and D/s specifically has influenced me in many other areas .. but I have never regretted my choices in taking that first huge leap and I truly believe there is a luck angel who sat on my shoulder through much of my risk taking .. who kept me from getting seriously harmed.
I'm much wiser today and don't need that luck angel anymore. I'm more aware, more informed. I've dulled some of the edge off my psyche, shined up a lot of the dullness from my self-esteem and have become a fairly well-balanced human. There's good, there's bad and there is mediocre that all reside side by side by side within me.
Anyway, it's my BDSM birthday. I'm 24 years old today and I'm baking myself a cake to celebrate and just felt like sharing.
Celeste
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