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My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/21/2013 2:41:25 AM   
sub4Domme95211


Posts: 1
Joined: 8/21/2013
Status: offline 		We live in a society today where it is difficult to escape technology, especially when we've developed a comfort in searching for people within the community online so we can feel safe, make our own decisions without question, and choose which people to talk to based off of similar interests.

Part of this second world has turned into cyber sex, phone sex, online play/fantasies, whatever you wish to call it. I must say- it does absolutely nothing for me. I have tried it countless times, with a couple strangers but mostly people that I have come to trust and respect and care about.... and I always feel down after the fact. It's not just that it does not satisfy me, but it almost makes me depressed at times. No piece of technology TRULY makes me feel submissive, no matter how much I want to please the other person or what it is they want from me. After discussing this with a few highly respected Dom's and Domme's... some completely agree and others say that my denial to this opportunity will greatly hinder me in the future, and that the people I've tried online or phone play with have guided me wrong.

Is it really me in denial, or are they stuck in our current modern so society with our use of computers and phones to solve our problems or desires at any moment we feel is necessary? I think the most captivating and inspiring connection between a sub and Dom or Domme is one that does not need assistance of technology, but rather a trust between one another that can live and influence them daily without question.

Yes- I'm using a computer right now, and I use it for my personal desire to search for the right person. But this is only 1 way I choose to search, and my ultimate goal is a connection in real life. Also, I must mention that I often go on trips outdoors with no phones or computers for days. Do I expect everyone to do this? Of course not. It works for some people, but please respect and understand that it does not work for everyone.

I kindly appreciate anyone and everyone's thought on this, whether it's your personal experience or just that you agree or disagree with me. Please understand- I'm NOT attacking those who enjoy the online community, but rather critiquing those who say that it is necessary or ultimately satisfactory for anyone.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/21/2013 2:59:00 AM   
directiveerror


Posts: 128
Joined: 11/17/2013
Status: offline 		i'm like the stereotypical old person when it comes to phones, i don't like the confounded things, i got my first (that wasn't a prepaid i just used in case of emergencies) in january, and they still scare the bajebus out of me. i dont mind talking to people once i know them but something about hearing someones voice without seeing them automatically makes me throw the device against the wall... which leads me to promptly pick it up, apologize and ask when they wanted me to come in for work... still don't like it though. mostly i think because i rely heavily on expression to understand peoples intentions, over the phone its almost like talking to someone in another language, if i meet them first then i know what faces to match to which vocal mannerisms and its fine.... but i know that thats weird and i'm most likely the only person on earth that has that strong of a dislike for telephones.

(in reply to sub4Domme95211)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/21/2013 3:50:02 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		It doesn't work for me either. When my now-husband and me were still living in seperate countries we experimented a bit, but far from feeling like it was the next-best-thing to being there, it always felt icky and uncomfortable. I felt like a phony acting out a scene and like you, felt a bit depressed afterwards.

You've given it a fair try, it isn't for you. Nothing wrong with that.

I may be cynical, but I suspect the people who are telling you that not playing online will hinder you are just hoping to worry you enough that you give them a cam show. Likewise with the people who say, 'you just haven't met anyone who does it right.' You have your preferences and that's fine. Don't let people push you into doing things you don't like - if it's something they need in a relationship, they're obviously not a good match.

There are ways to connect by phone and online that don't involve play. There's no reason you couldn't discuss your feelings, things you want to try, your worries and your limits while you are getting to know someone. If they need to also hear you cum and/or see tits to develop the relationship, move on.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to sub4Domme95211)
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RE: My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/21/2013 4:07:58 AM   
muhly22222


Posts: 463
Joined: 3/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

There are ways to connect by phone and online that don't involve play. There's no reason you couldn't discuss your feelings, things you want to try, your worries and your limits while you are getting to know someone. If they need to also hear you cum and/or see tits to develop the relationship, move on.


I agree. Me and a girl from Massachusetts (I'm from Ohio) have been talking for a while, and we've just significantly increased the amount of D/s in our relationship. It's purely online/phone at this point (we're trying to work out a time when one of us can go to the other one).

I haven't asked to see her tits or anything like that (well...I did ask, but I was joking when I asked), but we still manage to be our respective roles, even while we simply enjoy talking to one another. I've made a few rules, and I make certain decisions for her...and we manage to keep the sex minimal, though we've talked about what each of us enjoys in the more intimate moments of a relationship.

And guess what? I feel closer to her than I have to other people who I had conversations with that were significantly more sexual. We've spent more time getting to know one another and less time trying to figure out how to do something that isn't all that appealing anyway, showing off for each other (I don't really enjoy doing it, and I know she's not interested).

_____________________________

I have always been among those who believed that the greatest freedom of speech was the greatest safety, because if a man is a fool, the best thing to do is to encourage him to advertise the fact by speaking.
-Woodrow Wilson

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
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RE: My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/21/2013 4:52:20 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		It was great when I first started, and I don't look down on those who choose to use it. But after playing on the flesh, phone and cyber doesn't cut it.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to muhly22222)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/21/2013 5:03:54 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		With the right person phone phun is well fun... To each their own.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/21/2013 5:37:53 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		If you are talking cyber only, like an online relationship, that is not a "whole" relationship for me either. You are missing the flesh & blood contact and technology can't replace that. I think you won't miss much if it doesn't float and like me, you should stick with like minded people that believe in real world contact. If you canvas the world and poll all the partnerships, you will find we are in the vast majority and easy to find.

But, if you are talking about a flesh & blood relationship that is using technology to enhance it, then you will be missing out on the additional contact technology offers. You may want try and adjust your perspectives about technology and realize it isn't the hardware you are submitting to but the person using it. Just like collars, whips, chains and etc. Those are just the tools of a BDSM relationship, not the object of it. They help forge the bond. It is not the leather tools that excite, it is person behind them and how they use them. Same for technology.

43 years ago, when I collared my first girl, part of our bond was that we were mutually responsible for each others' sexual pleasure. Ya ya ya . . . I know, "bend over and take it like a slave bitch" and the typical slave "begging" for sex on her part . . . very stereotypical. But, hey, we were really young and it was my first experience in lifestyle relationships. Nonetheless, I traveled a lot and when I was away, I used to call my girl on the phone and tell her dirty stories while she rubbed one out. Being able to inspire her orgasm via long distance was the coolest thing. I thought I was the Al Green of the telephone with my deep sexy voice. It was great because it made me feel connected, not disconnected. I felt like a powerful genius who had overcome great distances with the discovery of phone sex that allowed me to reach out and touch her . . . even from a long distance. In which case, I would agree with your "highly respected Dom's and Domme's", that say you're gonna' miss an opportunity on that one.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to sub4Domme95211)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/21/2013 6:02:08 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4Domme95211
I kindly appreciate anyone and everyone's thought on this, whether it's your personal experience or just that you agree or disagree with me. Please understand- I'm NOT attacking those who enjoy the online community, but rather critiquing those who say that it is necessary or ultimately satisfactory for anyone.

I think any form of communication can be a useful tool, and I've used a lot of them. However, if you want to meet someone in real life, and they say no, online only, then there is some aspect of their real life that your presence would fuck up. Most commonly, their relationship with their girlfriend or wife. They're happy to cyber with you in private, but they don't want to be seen with you in public. That makes you a cybernetic piece on the side.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to sub4Domme95211)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/21/2013 6:28:45 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		I have often written about my ideas about online and by phone. When I am involved - even if it is online or by phone - I am INVOLVED. My head space is there. Is it the same? No. But if I agree to do something, I'm pretty much gonna do it. THAT is not SOLELY about the relationship. It is also about MY integrity. And frankly, isn't that where all of this starts anyway?

I am pretty in touch with myself and also have an imagination that can weave through my mind with vivid details, and for the most part I do what I say I'll do... so phone and online are fair game in my world. I take a long time to trust someone, but by the time I do, I'm ALL IN. same has consistently held true when I have been (occasionally) involved with long distance relationships. This may be foolish on my part, but I'm ok with it. Due to geographic circumstances, face to face is not particularly doable.

Here is a piece I wrote over a year ago about online relationships. It may shed some light on why Online IS a very real part of my life.

***********************
Many, many of my relationships are online. My relationship with my family is predominantly online, my relationships with friends (including people on here) is predominantly online, my relationships with some colleagues is online, my university experience is about to become online, my 12 step meetings are online... Sorry, but online is real for some folks and in fact the only available outlet for others.

So for example, my schooling - I don't speak Korean fluently at an academic level, so I MUST have an online relationship if I want to attend university. Does that mean the class is not a real class? Well, if I read the books, write and submit the papers, get feedback on them, and chat with the professor on a university website, I still get credit, right? And golly, having dinner with my family via skype (ok - for me it's breakfast) is a real experience as far as I can tell. We catch up on all the news, we argue, we laugh, we show each other our new clothes / books / phones. I'm pretty sure that's a real relationship. The support I get from the people in my meetings and that I give them sure seems real - it's pretty much just like a f2f meeting only I sometimes attend in my pajamas. We still read the literature, share our experience, strength and hope, listen to each other share, etc. I'm pretty sure I'm still in recovery. I'll check with my sponsor - she's in another country, but I'm fairly sure it's a real relationship. When a couple of the ladies here had b'day parties, they brought computers and let me toast them. Yeah, we still have a relationship. I have scheduled appointments - even had therapy online when I was trying to sort something out...

For some people - including me - online relationships are REAL... Are they the same? No. I can't pet my aunt's dogs, and I don't get to taste my mom's pumpkin pie. I don't get to feel the heat of the birthday candles, and the student-professor interactions take more time than an actual f2f discussion, and a virtual hug doesn't pack the same umph as a body to body hug. But just because they are not the SAME does not make them dismissable.

All the relationships I've listed above include time, connection, and interaction. It may not be your cup of tea - and frankly it's not ideal for me either. However, for you to say they are not relationships shows a pretty narrow definition of "relationship".

I sure would like to hear from anybody who considers my life and relationships to be of the "in the stands watching and/or dreaming" ilk. Yes, I surely would like to hear from anybody who thinks that's how I live. And then, I'll compare notes with that person. Mmm hmmm.

*******************
ETA: OP: You've had an experience or two that doesn't jive with who you are. That's cool. So, don't do it. You'll find that here on the forums, your pov is in line with most of the other folks here.
best,
sunshine

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 11/21/2013 7:07:49 AM >

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/21/2013 7:00:52 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Some people are vegetarians, and they never eat meat. Assuming they've done their homework, their diet is complete, and they are satisfied.

Others, like to have veggies and meat, and they are satisfied with their choices as well.

It doesn't have to be one or the other. You can have both real life and phone play if you like. But if it does nothing for you, then, just don't do it. (and don't worry about those who try to convert you; you have your own life to live.)

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/21/2013 8:58:47 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You don't like it, we get that. But saying that anyone who does is wrong is not acceptable. You don't get to tell a woman whose husband is in Afghanistan that she can't keep her sexual relationship with her husband going through use of technology.

Hell, I have an aunt and uncle in Florida. Their grandson is in Chicago. Instead of not ever seeing him, they Skype regularly. So why is that wrong?

Phones, computers, etc are just tools. There's nothing better or worse tin using a hand screwdriver or a power one. You use whatever gets the job done. You may feel that one is more purist than another, but you don't get to tell anyone else that they're being a fake by not using hand tools solely.

And for many people, these tools do work.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/21/2013 9:09:34 AM   
Moonlightmaddnes


Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

It was great when I first started, and I don't look down on those who choose to use it. But after playing on the flesh, phone and cyber doesn't cut it.

I have always imagined someone sounding really convincing but in reality they are really bored and painting their toenails.

_____________________________

Submission is a gift that must be earned. It can be given, but never taken


(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/21/2013 5:56:23 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4Domme95211

We live in a society today where it is difficult to escape technology, especially when we've developed a comfort in searching for people within the community online so we can feel safe, make our own decisions without question, and choose which people to talk to based off of similar interests.

Part of this second world has turned into cyber sex, phone sex, online play/fantasies, whatever you wish to call it. I must say- it does absolutely nothing for me. I have tried it countless times, with a couple strangers but mostly people that I have come to trust and respect and care about.... and I always feel down after the fact. It's not just that it does not satisfy me, but it almost makes me depressed at times. No piece of technology TRULY makes me feel submissive, no matter how much I want to please the other person or what it is they want from me. After discussing this with a few highly respected Dom's and Domme's... some completely agree and others say that my denial to this opportunity will greatly hinder me in the future, and that the people I've tried online or phone play with have guided me wrong.

Is it really me in denial, or are they stuck in our current modern so society with our use of computers and phones to solve our problems or desires at any moment we feel is necessary? I think the most captivating and inspiring connection between a sub and Dom or Domme is one that does not need assistance of technology, but rather a trust between one another that can live and influence them daily without question.

Yes- I'm using a computer right now, and I use it for my personal desire to search for the right person. But this is only 1 way I choose to search, and my ultimate goal is a connection in real life. Also, I must mention that I often go on trips outdoors with no phones or computers for days. Do I expect everyone to do this? Of course not. It works for some people, but please respect and understand that it does not work for everyone.

I kindly appreciate anyone and everyone's thought on this, whether it's your personal experience or just that you agree or disagree with me. Please understand- I'm NOT attacking those who enjoy the online community, but rather critiquing those who say that it is necessary or ultimately satisfactory for anyone.


You are?

(in reply to sub4Domme95211)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/21/2013 6:22:21 PM   
KYsissy


Posts: 781
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline 		It can serve a purpose for me when separated from someone i already have a relationship with. But otherwise, no.
But that is just me. Others get into it, good for them.

_____________________________

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
Will Rogers, 1897-1935

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/22/2013 2:17:13 AM   
orgasmdenial12


Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline 		So here's what happens:

You try something and it doesn't work for you.
Someone asks you about it and you say it doesn't work for you and explain why.
They tell you that they disagree and that you're making a mistake, blah blah blah.
You get defensive about your opinion and utilise the 'offence as the best means of defence' approach.
You create a post seeking validation of why (x) play is lacking and artificial.
Other people feel attacked and tell you you're wrong.
You get more defensive, and the cycle continues.

The fact is, it doesn't make any difference what others think, and listening to them will only perpetuate this cycle. You simply need to be comfortable in your own opinion. If it doesn't work for you, then all the answers in the world won't make it work for you. At the same time, just because it doesn't work for you, doesn't mean that it doesn't work perfectly for other people.

Learn not to be affected by others' opinion of your preferences, and break the cycle.

(in reply to sub4Domme95211)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/22/2013 4:43:01 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		FR

Not everyone lives on the west coast and has relatively easy access to thousands of kinksters in their area.

Although I think people should get out to the local munch, many groups are filled with those who are already coupled. There just aren't that many singles floating around, b/c people in general don't like to go to social occasions alone.

So many concentrate their search to online, b/c they don't have a choice.

For those who do meet online, phone and cam help people explore one another to determine if they are a good match. Not everyone talking on the phone or camming is having sex.

Some of course *are* having sex. Is phone sex or cam sex as good as real sex? I think most of us say no, just like most of us say no to virtual submission or domination. Frankly I haven't come across the droves of people preferring phone or virtual sex.

For some phone and camming are their way of sticking their toes into the wild waters of BDSM. That's where they feel comfortable. Perhaps in time they will manage to move out of their comfort zone into real time. Many do.

I don't care what the OP says, the post looks like an oblique attack to me.








< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 11/22/2013 5:10:27 AM >

_____________________________



(in reply to orgasmdenial12)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/22/2013 4:47:09 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		You've learnt a useful thing, cyber and phone sex don't work for you.

That's great. For you.

I would say that you ought to keep a slightly open mind, you should remain ready for the possibility (and sure, it might be a remote one) that you'll encounter someone who, through their emails, chats, or the power of their voice leaves you with a full on wettie.

For me... I am with the FABULOUS Sunshinemiss.. online relationships are no more or less "real" than any other kind.

Case in point, my online friendship with Sunshinemiss is real, and important, to me (albeit we have actually met in person on one occasion as well).

Sure, online / cyber / phone isn't the <twinkle>same</twinkle> as meatspace, and for some people it just doesn't work.

But, when I see people proclaim that online is somehow not real, I have to admit that a part of me is tempted to say something snarky like "Oh bless your heart, I feel sorry that you lack the communication skills to establish chemistry without having to be in the presence of the other person."

That's not what I actually think, mind you, not actually... but... yanno...

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to sub4Domme95211)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/22/2013 6:30:03 AM   
SweetAnise


Posts: 480
Joined: 8/23/2013
Status: offline 		I can't stand cybersex and phonesex. Such as waste of time. Now unless I am with a person whom I am having a LTR with than nasty talk can be great when they come over to spark the fire. But online stuff NEVER does it do for me. Never and I don't disrespect those who like...but you will find that those who like will try to push you into doing what they want because it is their thing. Even if you tell them...it isn't. People tend to hide behind the screen. I can't stand it. But I do enjoy online communities, forums, and the like.

(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/24/2013 6:11:39 PM   
HumiliASIAN


Posts: 3
Joined: 8/10/2012
Status: offline 		Sometimes is acceptable. Sometimes is waste my time. To me is only interesting for short time but that way cause problem too. To obey written message is waste my time. That cause too many problem because other person does not understand well my life. Order is impossible, dangerous or stupid. Is too easy to quit if I do not enjoy.
I try video chat few time and is interesting but become repeat quickly. Beginning is very exciting because other person really see me and that embarrass me a lot. Is more easy I obey even I embarrass a lot. Maybe my situation is unusual because I only enjoy embarrass, never sexy. Problem is that feeling disappear quickly. My opinion is two people fit well and wish temporary relationship is acceptable. Medium relationship is boring. Longer relationship is temporary solution during separate. That is my opinion for my situation. My opinion is only useful you wish temporary satisfy.

(in reply to SweetAnise)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: My thoughts of online or phone play. - 11/25/2013 5:27:35 PM   
Moonlightmaddnes


Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline 		My husband and myself do a bit of fun texting. ;) Most times it is fun. It is all in fun and we are not really serious. He always sends me a text when he leaves work. We live in a small town an hour away from where he works, so if we need something from town he can pick it up on the way home. I got a text and assumed it was him telling me he was on his way home. I sent a very explicit text only to have a friend of mine text WTF?!!!? I asked her what and she repeated the explicit text. I turned 10 shades of red as I texted back OMG that was not for you I thought you were him. Once she realized what was happening she cracked up laughing. She said she was so putting that on facebook. Then I was really dying. THEN my husband sends his I am on my way home text. Oh fine now that I am dying you are on your way home is what I sent him. LOL

_____________________________

Submission is a gift that must be earned. It can be given, but never taken


(in reply to HumiliASIAN)
Profile   Post #: 20
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