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Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/24/2013 10:47:25 AM

gingerhobbit

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I have depression. I have a relationship. What started out as something vanilla and comfortable progressed, with both of us interested, into a Domme/little dynamic, with myself as the Domme. While I, in a good emotional state, enjoy the dynamic and enjoy being a Caretaker, I often find myself in my periods of depression wishing there were greater equality between my little and I. Jealous that they are the one being taken care of. Maybe that means I'm not well suited for this lifestyle, maybe its just the twisted sadness in my head poisoning something decent.

I found myself sitting in front of my computer, messaging back and forth with said little, pretending everything was good and fine while my body was convulsing with sobs. I find this happening infrequently but it is always a harrowing experience when it does come about.
I have depression. This is well established in my life and a known fact in my relationship. What was once something warm and supportive has now become something I don't feel equally represented in. In the Caretaker role, I am expected to make the decisions, hold my little when they are upset, keep track of their behavior, dole out rewards and punishments as needed, etc etc etc.

But where does that leave me when the light leaves my head and all I see is black? Where do I turn to when I am hysterical and curled in a ball? I have no friends aware of my lifestyle, so any discussion about how I feel seems like only a half, and the time I brought it up to my little they told me they wanted to stop because they felt like they were pressuring me into something I didn't want when I just feel...I don't even know, I feel like I am not allowed to have feelings because I am supposed to be strong, be the adult, take care of everything.

I guess I just wish I had a place to go. Someone who supported me without telling me to abandon the lifestyle, which seems to work rather well when I am not consumed by an ocean inside my head.

Post #: 1

RE: Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/24/2013 10:50:14 AM

OsideGirl

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Are you doing something to address your depression?

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RE: Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/24/2013 10:52:32 AM

gingerhobbit

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Yeah, i'm on meds and pretty damn stable when I remember to take them before half the day is gone. Which only happens about once a month if that frequent. So like for the most part I'm okay? Its just in the moments when I am definitely not okay that I feel like I am not allowed to break down because it wouldn't be fair to my little. And maybe I'm just being overly noble about her needs vs my needs.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

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RE: Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/24/2013 10:55:32 AM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: gingerhobbit
I feel like I am not allowed to break down because it wouldn't be fair to my little.

What kind of partner would it be fair to? A dom? A vanilla?

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to gingerhobbit)

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RE: Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/24/2013 10:56:25 AM

JetOnly

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Have you spoke to your little about it?? I would imagine if they truly cared about you then if they would be more than understanding. We all need care sometimes. So lovely you are putting her needs first, but with something like this you do need to put yourself first sometimes

(in reply to gingerhobbit)

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RE: Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/24/2013 11:04:00 AM

gingerhobbit

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I have spoken to them about it. And they wanted to stop because they seemed to feel my depression stemmed from not wanting to be their Caretaker rather than just being depressed. And I'm just a big ball of nervous right now and I fear losing them if I bring it up again, I'm just afraid because when we started this we were completely vanilla and I feel head over heels for her and I don't know how to merge that with being a Domme and I seem to have this bassackwards way of thinking that Dommes can't have feelings or I can't have feelings when all I HAVE is feelings and I just feel guilty for being sad. Which is stupid. But there you are.

(in reply to JetOnly)

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RE: Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/24/2013 11:11:37 AM

JetOnly

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Its not stupid, its how you feel, or how you are feeling at the moment. You cant help how you are feeling at the moment and that I think is something you have to come to terms with before anything else.
Reading what you have written what would you advise someone else?

(in reply to gingerhobbit)

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RE: Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/24/2013 11:15:25 AM

gingerhobbit

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To stop being an idiot and tell their little, that people are people and people have feelings. You can't escape that fact so you might as well draw up some plan for what to do when you're in a mood, what you might need.
I just feel like.. we're in this 24/7 Big/little sort of thing and I feel like I'm not supposed to break down or feel things because I'm supposed to be the one who is "Adult".

(in reply to JetOnly)

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RE: Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/24/2013 11:18:26 AM

JetOnly

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Are you open for her to negotiate changes if she needs? Would you adapt your expectations if she broke her leg?
I do feel for you, I can hear your stress reading your posts. You know the sensible things but you just cant deal with it properly just now. I wish I could help

(in reply to gingerhobbit)

Post #: 9

RE: Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/24/2013 11:20:23 AM

MsDDom

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From: GA
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To the question:

quote:

Can you be a good Domme when you have depression?

My honest and simple answer would be no.

It is best to be well, taking care of yourself first, before taking on the responsibility of someone else.

_____________________________

...:: MsDDom ::...

... live Life honestly ...

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RE: Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/24/2013 12:36:53 PM

AthenaSurrenders

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quote:

ORIGINAL: gingerhobbit

To stop being an idiot and tell their little, that people are people and people have feelings. You can't escape that fact so you might as well draw up some plan for what to do when you're in a mood, what you might need.
I just feel like.. we're in this 24/7 Big/little sort of thing and I feel like I'm not supposed to break down or feel things because I'm supposed to be the one who is "Adult".

Ultimately you are in a relationship with a grown up, and not a child. Expecting your partner to step up and support you once in a while is not a bad thing. You're not asking a four year old child to deal with your depression, you're asking your adult partner with whom you have a nurturing relationship.

No matter the type of relationship dynamic that we might prefer, real life continues as well. That means, sometimes someone gets sick. Sometimes you have to move house, or someone loses a job, or there's a death in the family. Sooner or later there are adult responsibilities that need to be addressed. I'm guessing your partner has a job? Or if not a job, some other grown up responsibility like looking after the housework and maintenance when you work?

It's not unfair, it's just part of a relationship. You're a team - you pick up the slack for each other. If, god forbid, you were injured in a car accident and needed 12 months of physical care to get back on your feet, your partner would provide it.

Be honest with her (him?). That you like and enjoy being the big 95% of the time, and you need a day off every now and then.
Truth be told, people with actual children also need time to themselves to recharge every now and then. The difference is, they look to other adults in their lives for support, where in your case the other significant adult is taking on the child-like role. Rather than turning to the other parent for support, you need him/her to step up and be the supportive one. If that means you're not acting like adult and little occasionally, so be it. It doesn't detract from your successful relationship.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to gingerhobbit)

Post #: 11

RE: Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/24/2013 12:41:22 PM

AthenaSurrenders

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quote:

ORIGINAL: gingerhobbit

I have spoken to them about it. And they wanted to stop because they seemed to feel my depression stemmed from not wanting to be their Caretaker rather than just being depressed. And I'm just a big ball of nervous right now and I fear losing them if I bring it up again, I'm just afraid because when we started this we were completely vanilla and I feel head over heels for her and I don't know how to merge that with being a Domme and I seem to have this bassackwards way of thinking that Dommes can't have feelings or I can't have feelings when all I HAVE is feelings and I just feel guilty for being sad. Which is stupid. But there you are.

Sorry to double post but I just noticed this.

Does your doctor/therapist know you feel this way?

This is often called 'secondary depression' - becoming depressed about being depressed. You're already depressed, and you start thinking things like 'I shouldn't feel so sad, I'm a terrible person for being so depressed, I shouldn't be depressed because XYZ, why don't I just fix myself?'

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy will work wonders for this in most cases. You are afraid of losing her - I know that feeling well too. I imagine it's probably 90% your own depression talking and creating a vicious circle.

Here's the thing - you love her, let her help you.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to gingerhobbit)

Post #: 12

RE: Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/24/2013 1:21:29 PM

LittleGirlHeart

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i feel if someone would leave you because you're depressed and cant help but have a bad day now and then, that maybe they did you a favor. as unhelpful as that is.

_____________________________

We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 13

RE: Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/24/2013 2:31:19 PM

SeekingTrinity

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Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gingerhobbit

I have spoken to them about it. And they wanted to stop because they seemed to feel my depression stemmed from not wanting to be their Caretaker rather than just being depressed. And I'm just a big ball of nervous right now and I fear losing them if I bring it up again, I'm just afraid because when we started this we were completely vanilla and I feel head over heels for her and I don't know how to merge that with being a Domme and I seem to have this bassackwards way of thinking that Dommes can't have feelings or I can't have feelings when all I HAVE is feelings and I just feel guilty for being sad. Which is stupid. But there you are.

You may fear losing them if you bring it up again, but your needs going unmet in your relationship is not healthy either. And Id venture to say that it would also contribute it's own influence to the depression you deal with. I've battled depression in the past. And from my own experience, feeling like I wasn't living up to all of the expectations being placed on me was a contributing factor to the seemingly neverending battle with the darkness that is depression.

The first thing you (and she) have to understand and accept is that you have needs too. And there is NOTHING wrong with that at all. Dominants (male and female) are human beings, not infallible machines programmed only to be the epitome of perfection. Caretakers need nurturing and support too. If we aren't feeling fulfilled and complete ourselves, can we really honestly expect ourselves to be able to bring our A game when it comes to caring for another? Is it even fair to expect someone to give and give and give, yet receive nothing in return when they need it most?

It might not help much, but you honestly don't have anything to feel guilty for. You are in a relationship...a partnership. Athena is right...even parents of children (Im one) and caretakers of others (I've been one of those too) need to recharge and refresh too. It's not weakness. It's not that I'm not <fill in the blank> enough. It's acknowledging and accepting that I'm a human being with my own needs too. And it's okay.

Good luck to you in finding your way too

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 11/24/2013 2:32:55 PM >

(in reply to gingerhobbit)

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RE: Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/24/2013 3:58:33 PM

ExquisiteStings

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To GingerH.,

IMO, yes, you can be an excellent Dom, even if depressed. You do NOT have to live under a particular label, 24/7..whoever told you that you did? To do so is to bring utter exhaustion upon yourself, which is not good in ANY role. You are an adult, yes, but being an adult does NOT mean that you have to turn off your emotions. In fact it shows extreme maturity by admitting that you're not perfect (no one is) and that sometimes YOU need a shoulder to cry on. Your little, to me, sounds like a selfish master manipulator. Letting the shadow of a breakup hang over you, because little may not be equipped with dealing with emotion on yours or any one else's part, shows extreme selfishness and immaturity; not to mention having a mean streak. If little says that it wants to break things off because it might not be able to handle things...I don't know..it royally smacks of lazyness to me...little doesn't want responsibility for ANYthing...but it has to realize that being part of the relationship dynamic means give and take with BOTH partners...call little's bluff. And know that you ARE strong enough to deal with it..just keep your actual friends close around you..an tell your little that there are plenty of sub's out there who are willing and able to have a shoulder or two to cry on, and that will actually admire you more for being able to be open about it. If the little still shows or pretends to show reluctance at having to care, pick up a rock and give it to the little and tell it that from now on, this hard rock in your hand is your own version of caretaker, goodbye and good riddance. It takes an enormous bit of strength to do this (I've done it personally albeit in a somewhat different situation), but you may find yourself feeling freer and lighter. IMO, it sounds as though this little is just endeavoring to exaccerbate your depression through cold-blooded detachment. If you manage to pull it off, perhaps your little wil stop taking you for granted and actually come running after you to resume your place. I don't know how long you 2 have been together, but before letting little back into its place, firmly establish a rule that it WILL be emotionally supportive. When you have this promise out of it, only then reclaim it as your sub.
This is My opinion of what to do. You are an adult and holding that title, you can do whatever you please; sticking to the laws and mores of your social group and /or government. You are not obligated in any way to take my advice. It might work as a hardball in your corner if you do , though.

ES

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)

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RE: Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/24/2013 7:29:38 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

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From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
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I'm a Domme. And I have a Daddy. He is depressive at times and I am bipolar. I know that sounds like an awful lot of messed upness, but it is what it is. And, when one of us is having a bad day, the other one picks up the slack. I pick up the slack for him and take care of him when necessary, he picks up the slack for me when necessary and, when I've had a submissive and I'm having a bad day, he understands too.

The thing is, we are all people and all people have feelings, regardless of their D/s role or if they are even kinky or vanilla. ALL people are entitled to have feelings and ALL people do, indeed, HAVE feelings. And, in WIITWD, all the participants are actually adults, regardless of role. As adults, we should be able to step up to the plate when our partner(s) need help.

NBMG

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I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.

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RE: Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/25/2013 12:56:56 PM

kalikshama

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quote:

I often find myself in my periods of depression wishing there were greater equality between my little and I. Jealous that they are the one being taken care of. Maybe that means I'm not well suited for this lifestyle, maybe its just the twisted sadness in my head poisoning something decent.

Real life often intrudes on our kink life. He has elderly parents who require a lot of his time; my brother is seriously mentally ill. We react the same way to stress - it dampens our libidos. I don't see him as any less Dom if he is not interested in kink after spending the afternoon in the nursing home. In fact, I make a point of nurturing him and suggesting he get massages etc.

I wouldn't find this relationship nearly as satisfying if there wasn't so much reciprocity. That doesn't happen in a vacuum - we spend a lot of time communicating and expressing our needs.

(in reply to gingerhobbit)

Post #: 17

RE: Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/25/2013 4:39:59 PM

DesFIP

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You have no excuse for forgetting to take your meds. Put them next to your toothbrush and take them before brushing your teeth. Or set your cell phone alarm and take them. I used to take the Zoloft at bedtime. Not optimal for blood levels but meant I had no side effect of nausea. Keep some in your car just in case.

Beyond that, we're partners. That means when he's having a bad day, I'm there for him. But he doesn't lie to me claiming everything is fine when it isn't.

I also can't tell if you've explained what's going on and asked for what you need.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 11/25/2013 4:43:24 PM >

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RE: Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/25/2013 4:47:56 PM

thishereboi

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Not sure if this might help or not but I figured I would mention it. I used to play with a domme who like age play but didn't want to be the parent figure. So she took the role of the kid and made her sub play her daddy. At the time I was also into age play and was about 4. The two of us had a great time being bratty and giving him a hard time. Sometimes it's nice to let someone else take care of you without having to really give up control of the situation.

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RE: Can you be a good Domme when you have depression? - 11/25/2013 5:12:38 PM

MistressDarkArt

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Yes, you can be a good Domme, because you clearly are a good person. They go together, you know.

A few years ago I had a situational depression caused by intense grief, loss, and physical pain beyond anything I'd ever known. That dark time was the deepest hole I've ever tried to climb out of. I alienated my partners because I didn't want to be a burden on them. BIG mistake; they tried to help but I didn't want them to see me in my diminished state. I was prideful about it. I hung on so hard to what used to be, I actually questioned myself and everyone around me if I was still the same person I was before. The answer was 'no', but I was still 'me', and that finally broke through and got me moving again. Life changed, as it always does with or without my consent; nobody left me and nobody felt cheated that they had to forego a little sexy time for a while.

You will be OK. Do what you need to to remember your meds, and hold to the expectation that your little person needs to revert back to an adult when the chips are down for you. I hope you feel better soon. Best wishes.

(in reply to gingerhobbit)

Post #: 20

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