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My D/s Relationship And My Child - 11/25/2013 11:02:24 AM

SweetLaura1

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Joined: 11/1/2013
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Hi. My name is Laura.
I've been thinking about the affect my having a D/s relationship might have on my 8yr old child.
I have to wonder if it would affect my child negatively.
I would really appreciate any feedback from anyone, particularly sub women who have experience with this.

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RE: My D/s Relationship And My Child - 11/25/2013 11:15:29 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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What negative effect do you think it would have?

Are you concerned a child might view females as lesser b/c their mother defers to their father?

I think in most households one of the parents is stronger.

I would have no issue raising children with my current relationship, since Himself and I don't fight or argue, there is no need to. If we disagree, he decides.

If your relationship is healthy and happy, the kids will know it, feel it, and be healthy and happy as well.

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RE: My D/s Relationship And My Child - 11/25/2013 11:36:18 AM

AthenaSurrenders

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetLaura1

Hi. My name is Laura.
I've been thinking about the affect my having a D/s relationship might have on my 8yr old child.
I have to wonder if it would affect my child negatively.
I would really appreciate any feedback from anyone, particularly sub women who have experience with this.

I think it's a valid concern, but as Chatte pointed out, it's not necessarily going to cause any problems.

Assuming you and the other person have half a brain, you're not going to conduct caning sessions in front of the kids, any more than you'd have vanilla sex in front of them.

The rest is just personal interactions. From the outside, you would never know that I'm in a D/s relationship. We still do things as a family, have fun together, pay the bills, and occasionally fall out.

My own child isn't yet at an age where she questions our behaviour, but I have been asked by other children in the family circle why I act the way I do - for example, fixing his plate at a buffet and bringing him drinks while he sits down. I tell them that I'm "doing 'I love you' ". You can tell someone 'I love you' in words, or you can tell them in your actions by doing kind things for them. Children understand that. They also understand that two people can have different roles and be equally important.

The single most important thing is that you and the dominant are a team. When there is a child involved, obviously that child's needs will be the priority over the way you get to express your relationship. You won't be able to have spontaneous kinky play time whenever you like, for example. But as long as you are both committed to working together, these things are simple to work round. The only way it will impact on your family is if one party isn't willing to do their share of the working and sacrificing.

I don't know if you are talking about introducing D/s into a current relationship (in which case you are probably used to working together to meet your child's needs) or finding a new partner. If it's the latter, the same challenges apply as in any step-parent situation. Both adults need to acknowledge that their romance will often come second to the child's need for a stable home life.

edit for typing errors, as usual

< Message edited by AthenaSurrenders -- 11/25/2013 11:37:10 AM >

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RE: My D/s Relationship And My Child - 11/25/2013 1:32:06 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetLaura1

Hi. My name is Laura.
I've been thinking about the affect my having a D/s relationship might have on my 8yr old child.
I have to wonder if it would affect my child negatively.
I would really appreciate any feedback from anyone, particularly sub women who have experience with this.

What you do negatively will affect those close to you negatively including a child! Any authority dynamic is neither inherently positive or negative. But how you approach it and practice can and will have a positive or negative impact. The choice is yours !

My four children have been raised in the a loving polyamory authority dynamic. Two of my children are into adulthood and the other two are knocking on the door. I am very confident that they are growing up to be very well adjusted and capable human beings that I am proud of. Maybe being raised in a loving and stable environment is what is making that possible.

I think you should consider what a child needs to have to grow into a functional capable adult you can be proud of. Then consider how your authority dynamic can promote and facilate that and ensure your dynamic doesn't hinder it.

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RE: My D/s Relationship And My Child - 11/25/2013 1:56:46 PM

JetOnly

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetLaura1

Hi. My name is Laura.
I've been thinking about the affect my having a D/s relationship might have on my 8yr old child.
I have to wonder if it would affect my child negatively.
I would really appreciate any feedback from anyone, particularly sub women who have experience with this.

Hi Laura
Is this adding a D/s element to an existing relationship or starting a new relationship that will have a D/s dynamic?

Either way just like any vanilla relationship it does not have to if you choose not to let it. Your 8 year old possibly needs to know you are in a relationship - but does not need to be aware of anything else about it

I am sure your priority is your wee girl and that is what to remember. Your D/s thing is something between you and your partner, you are not a sub with your child, you are her mother and for me my very first hard limit would be anything that in any way will effect your daughter - as decided on by you.

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RE: My D/s Relationship And My Child - 11/25/2013 2:00:20 PM

Moonlightmaddnes

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What are you worried about? I have two little girls, one 8 years and an 8 month old baby. So far no negative effects. Well my 8 year old asked to get her ears pierced and I said we would ask and she didn't like him saying no. But in order to be fair I have to say he is my girls father, so your worries may be different.

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RE: My D/s Relationship And My Child - 11/25/2013 2:14:05 PM

OsideGirl

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I don't see how being raised in a male led D/s relationship is any different than a child being raised in traditional male led relationship. If fact parental relationships where there aren't power struggles do best for children.

I would assume that you're not engaging in kink in front of your children.

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RE: My D/s Relationship And My Child - 11/25/2013 2:50:40 PM

kiwisub12

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My feeling is is that if the relationship is love led, there won't be any problem. I have had friends who were gay with kids and the kids were as well adjusted as any other out there. I don't see D/s as being any different. Unless you are playing in front of the kids there should be no ill effects- well, none except the fact that the kids may think that they need to serve the ones they love.

And really, is that such a bad thing?

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RE: My D/s Relationship And My Child - 11/25/2013 4:57:01 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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It helps if you pick a sensible partner. The Man announcing he never wants to see a brussel sprout in this house again has not scarred my children for life. Him telling me to bake an apple pie and not peach cobbler, ditto.

But he understood that he isn't their father and that any step parenting relationship requires years. According to the textbooks, 7 years before they're willing to let a stranger set rules for them. He has to prove that he's in it for the long run before they will trust him.

This means he needs to be fine with you doing things differently than he would. And it helps if he's a single father who is as devoted to his children as you are to yours.

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RE: My D/s Relationship And My Child - 11/25/2013 7:04:31 PM

Dyfrynt

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Hello and welcome,
Your query is too vague to give a proper answer. Here are some guidelines worth considering. The power exchange dynamic should be subtle, not overly kinky. The Dom can be the one in charge, the one who makes the decisions; that is fine. Your Dom hauling you to your knees by grabbing your hair - that sort of activity is absolutely not appropriate in front of a child.

Toys should be out of sight when your child is around. You don't want the kid bringing you a ball gag and asking what it is for. Or worse, bringing it to school for show and tell!

And any scening should never be done where the child could see or hear it. Never.

Not only are all the above situations that could harm an impressionable young psyche. It could mean your child being taken from you. In many parts of the U.S. a BDSM parent could lose their child to the state if someone let the word out. The mere fact that you are into BDSM is enough to damn you as a bad parent no matter your actual circumstances.

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RE: My D/s Relationship And My Child - 11/25/2013 7:12:31 PM

LittleGirlHeart

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It's just like anything else, if you do your homework pick careful and pick someone responcible, it can be done with out being negative to the child.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetLaura1

Hi. My name is Laura.
I've been thinking about the affect my having a D/s relationship might have on my 8yr old child.
I have to wonder if it would affect my child negatively.
I would really appreciate any feedback from anyone, particularly sub women who have experience with this.

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We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

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RE: My D/s Relationship And My Child - 12/1/2013 6:40:04 AM

kajirarainn

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Joined: 11/29/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

I have been asked by other children in the family circle why I act the way I do - for example, fixing his plate at a buffet and bringing him drinks while he sits down. I tell them that I'm "doing 'I love you' ". You can tell someone 'I love you' in words, or you can tell them in your actions by doing kind things for them. Children understand that. They also understand that two people can have different roles and be equally important.

[ took out the fluff so I could respond]

That is a wonderful way to explain to children why we do what we do!

I don't have children living at home but I do have grand children who love to visit, in my D/s relationship I also serve my Master by doing what is required (no kink outside of bedroom) He understands that they come first when they visit and He may wait for just a bit for His coffee or food but the children need to come first, they have to know they are loved and adored, that Nonna is the one person who will take time out of her busy day to listen to them and answer their questions no matter how silly it seems. My point is as long as the child knows they are loved then every thing else will fall into place as it should.

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