Transparency

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KnightofMists -> Transparency (12/2/2013 3:23:08 AM)
I don't believe that lifestyle relationships monopolize the need or desire for transparency in there relationships. However it does seems to be an important value in many of the lifestyle relationships that I have seen. So. What is transparency? What are the principles and values needed for transparency to be effective and authentic?

heartfeltsub -> RE: Transparency (12/2/2013 6:48:28 AM)
Although not currently in a relationship, transparency is something that I believe is incredibly important to having and maintaining a successful relationship. To me, for me, it means being painfully honest about myself, not what some call painful honesty which seems more often to be an excuse for viciousness, but rather that when I am most afraid of someone seeing about myself, being willing to show them, tell them, regardless of how afraid I am of their reactions. The principles and values needed for transparency is courage, belief in the need for transparency in the face of fear and a willingness to take the emotional risk.

shadowborn61 -> RE: Transparency (12/2/2013 10:07:23 AM)
Quite simply for me transparency is open honest communication. One does not lie or hide things from ones partner even if those things may cause emotional pain because you never really know what your partner can and will accept and it is not your right to decide what is best for them to know or not know if you are being transparent.

anniezz338 -> RE: Transparency (12/2/2013 10:51:54 AM)
Transparency to me is calling for both partners to be vulnerable. Trust of each other will allow freedom to express without the fear of that vulnerablity being used against you.

littlewonder -> RE: Transparency (12/2/2013 4:24:11 PM)
I guess transparency for me isn't as important as other things. The most important for me is trust. There are times I have no idea what Master may be up. There may be things he hasn't told me but you know, it doesn't bother me because I trust him. I don't need to know every tiny little detail of his life. Besides we live predictable lives. I can pretty much know what he's doing and where he's at all the time. Even the beginning of getting to know each other, we just talked and got to know each other and shared stuff about our lives as it came up in conversation. I didn't require transparency.

DesFIP -> RE: Transparency (12/2/2013 5:59:33 PM)
As far as I can tell, a majority of subs are driven by either the desire to serve, the desire to obey or the desire for transparency. Obviously you can have a mixture. Me? Totally not interested in service, it's mainly about the transparency and then about obedience. Transparency for me is about being totally heard and known. Accepted all the way down. Not having my thoughts and feelings be invalidated. There's a problem with having that and obedience or service because frequently in the other two it's "shut up and do what you're told" which can be hot but you can't shut up, not share, and still be known all the way through.

MistressDarkArt -> RE: Transparency (12/2/2013 7:28:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: anniezz338 Transparency to me is calling for both partners to be vulnerable. Trust of each other will allow freedom to express without the fear of that vulnerablity being used against you. ^^^Nice way to express it. The timing of this thread is very apt. Huck was just here for a few days and because he noticed I explained an embarrassing coping mechanism I use when stressed/in pain. It could be viewed as very 'undomly'. It was a big relief to tell him and know I wasn't being analyzed or judged for it.

sunshinemiss -> RE: Transparency (12/3/2013 3:37:14 AM)
Transparency is about sharing what is necessary and what can affect the relationship. I think there is some room in relationships for privacy. Is privacy the opposite of transparency? I don't think so. (Note the "think" rather than "believe"). As trust and respect and belonging can take time to deepen, so too with transparency. Some privacy until the next door is ready to be opened is not a bad thing... nor is it the opposite of transparency. Perhaps it is, in fact, the road that leads to transparency. best, sunshine

Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Transparency (12/3/2013 8:36:39 AM)
I love this post ^

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Transparency (12/3/2013 9:01:06 AM)
Me too. I also think people have to have the personal space they need. For some this can be called privacy. I also think you can't be transparent about your thoughts and feelings unless you've evolved to the point you can articulate your thoughts and feelings. Not everyone can. I think this is perhaps the single most common factor in relationship issues, the inability to adequately articulate thoughts and feelings.

Arturas -> RE: Transparency (12/3/2013 2:01:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists I don't believe that lifestyle relationships monopolize the need or desire for transparency in there relationships. However it does seems to be an important value in many of the lifestyle relationships that I have seen. So. What is transparency? What are the principles and values needed for transparency to be effective and authentic? Transparency in relationships is the state of being one. Only in being one with another is our thinking, our emotions and our actions transparent to each half of this relationship. Trust. Hope. Love. These three human interactions are built upon like desires, like morals and like goals which in turn strengthen these same interactions in a circle which forever must not be broken for transparency to be effective and authentic. Arturas and star

needlesandpins -> RE: Transparency (12/3/2013 4:19:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shadowborn61 Quite simply for me transparency is open honest communication. One does not lie or hide things from ones partner even if those things may cause emotional pain because you never really know what your partner can and will accept and it is not your right to decide what is best for them to know or not know if you are being transparent. this ^^^ also, if you have given your word on something then stick to it, and act like you mean to stick to it. if you want to be trusted, then be trustworthy. I never get the 'privacy' word being thrown in to the mix when you'll talk about one aspect of a given subject, but not another. I've learnt that when that word is used there is something to hide. It's used because whatever is going on means something to the person. I have huge trust issues, and anyone I get involved with knows this about me right from the outset. I ask for total honesty because no matter how bad the truth is, it's easier on me than the lie you think telling me will be. the truth would also earn the trust, harsh as it is because at least it is the truth. in reality the lie is only easier on the liar. it takes courage to tell the truth in the worst of times. It is all about communication, but there is no point in communicating if one of you picks and chooses when to be transparent, and when not to be. also when, and when not to apply what was agreed to in the communication in the first place. needles

LadyPact -> RE: Transparency (12/3/2013 4:22:59 PM)
A few years back, everybody and their brother were doing presentations on transparency. It was almost like the new kink kool-aid and everybody was drinking it. Here's why I don't. In My opinion, transparency is a really cool concept for monogamous folks. It gets a little trickier when you are a poly person who does not consider their relationships as equal. There are parts of My primary relationship that frankly aren't the business of My submissive. There are parts of My dynamic that aren't the business of My spouse. Each independent relationship still does involve Me as a whole person. However, if either of them are going to trust Me, they both have to know that there are parts of their independent selves, that they choose to share just with Me. Sometimes, that means the answer to inquiries are going to be "that's none of your business." No, that's not transparent. It's a lot of other things, but transparency isn't one of them.

NuevaVida -> RE: Transparency (12/3/2013 10:24:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists What is transparency? Being open, honest, and allowing oneself to be vulnerable as a result. quote: What are the principles and values needed for transparency to be effective and authentic? We didn't set out and strive to be transparent, we just evolved to it. It took time, getting to know each other, and coming to trust each other enough to feel safe (physically, mentally, emotionally) with each other. There wasn't a switch we flicked and suddenly transparency was there. It was an evolution. We're probably still not fully there yet but we have the rest of our lives to get there, if we so choose. Neither of us needs to know every detail about the other, but we know each other well enough to not need to be told. Sometimes he plans/strategizes ahead, and I don't need to know what he's aiming for until he is ready for it to come together. Nor would he be interested in some of the minute details of my day. But together we share a common level of knowledge about each other, which makes our balance nearly perfect.

lloydirving -> RE: Transparency (12/4/2013 12:53:57 AM)
I like what was said, transparency being not just open and honest with your partner, but being open and honest with yourself. I have had total trust in a partner, yet there will always be little things about females that I will never understand and will mystify me. It's for that reason that I love them. Hence the ability to love as the years go by. I hope I can always surprise them as much as they do for me. I think it is right to say that knowing yourself and having mutual trust through being honest is a way to keep a relationship solid and have that transparency.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Transparency (12/4/2013 4:48:53 AM)
I agree that a poly dynamic should be structured differently when it comes to transparency. Everyone, poly or not, needs a certain degree of privacy and that should be respected.

MariaB -> RE: Transparency (12/4/2013 5:21:55 AM)
I have to agree with LadyP regarding poly relationships. Chloe is the partner of Steve and what they share together is none of my business. I have a relationship with Chloe and what we share is none of Steves business and so on and so on. The three of us have seven relationships going on between just the three of us and only one of those relationships, 'Steve, me and Chloe together' are absolutely transparent. The transparency we have when we are all together is vitally important, at least in our world. This is a time when we can all ensure we are happy and iron out any problems. This can sometimes run into one of the other relationships. Perhaps Steve said something hurtful to Chloe when they were on their own and perhaps she mentions that to me when we are on our own. In such situation we tend to agree that talking about it openly in our threesome group is probably the best way to resolve things. What I absolutely won't tolerate is one of them bitching about the other. Fortunately its never happened but Chloe has been poly for 15 years and she's really got her head screwed on the right way. When we are a pair, whoever that pair is, we have secrets but keep in mind, none of those secrets could be destructive to our whole unit. Chloe is very different from Steve and for Steve, I'm very different to Chloe. We are bound to say and do things together that would bare no relevance or interest to the third person. When you go out with a good friend for lunch, you don't go home and tell your partner word for word what went on. Its no different in poly.

KnightofMists -> RE: Transparency (12/4/2013 6:15:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt I agree that a poly dynamic should be structured differently when it comes to transparency. Everyone, poly or not, needs a certain degree of privacy and that should be respected. I complete disagree with this statement. Privacy is not an option in my family and never will be.

Rasciallymisty -> RE: Transparency (12/4/2013 6:37:31 AM)
I agree with you Knights ......privacy for me = secrets which can destroy some of the strongest people and relationships. Having this happen a few times also leave trust issues. A year after Brads death some of those privacy issues that I thought we did not have are still coming to life for me to deal with, and not only for me but also for those he was involved with.

LadyPact -> RE: Transparency (12/4/2013 6:41:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt I agree that a poly dynamic should be structured differently when it comes to transparency. Everyone, poly or not, needs a certain degree of privacy and that should be respected. I complete disagree with this statement. Privacy is not an option in my family and never will be. Really? None? Not ever? I couldn't imagine not ever having quiet time to Myself.

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