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Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 7:53:13 AM   
Shaded1


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/3/2013
Status: offline 		Alrighty, so I am new to this site. Just joined today. I have been around the world of BDSM for some time now and have a fair amount of experience both online and in real time. My question today is - can submission be taken back once it is given in full. When a sub gives her heart mind and soul to Another, does a piece of her remain with the Dom when the dynamic changes?

I discussed this with a friend on another site recently and I wonder what people here thought.
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RE: Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 7:59:38 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Shaded1
Alrighty, so I am new to this site. Just joined today. I have been around the world of BDSM for some time now and have a fair amount of experience both online and in real time. My question today is - can submission be taken back once it is given in full. When a sub gives her heart mind and soul to Another, does a piece of her remain with the Dom when the dynamic changes?

Isn't the only real answer, "It depends on the situation?" If she still loves him, or she hates him, then yes. If she doesn't think about him at all any more, then not so much.

Vanilla people give heart, mind and soul to Another, as well. Ain't nothin special going on with hetero sub women. Gay vanilla people do that romantic shit too.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Shaded1)
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RE: Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 8:05:37 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Not a kink thing. When a relationship is over, how much remains?

I've been pretty successful at transitioning from kink relationships to kink friends. if the woman finds another, it works well. If not, usually not.

One of my best ex-subs recently announced her engagement. I wrote on her wall:

DarkSteven wrote 21 days ago:

You know, I'll concede that <your fiance> won you. But the way you announced the engagement ignored <another local Dom>and I. You really should announce how we finished as runners-up, first and second, before you announced who won. Just like Miss America.

And she responded:

You think that's how the rankings came out, huh? ;-)

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 8:13:19 AM   
SoulAlloy


Posts: 2106
Joined: 8/23/2009
From: Preston, UK
Status: offline 		Submission can always be taken back, though admittedly it can be hard sometimes, particularly when ex's know what buttons to push should they want to.

It's a matter of trust and taking responsibility for your own actions. We have minds to control our instincts. A piece of my heart is often left behind, I rebuild it each time and put locks on those doors to the past.

_____________________________

"Better to be a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without" - Confucius

"It'll be alright in the end - if it isn't alright, it's not the end." - unknown

Kinky crossdressing Whovian

Host of the Preston (UK) Munch, 2nd Wednesday each month

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RE: Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 8:42:28 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		FR:

can submission be taken back once it is given in full. When a sub gives her heart mind and soul to Another, does a piece of her remain with the Dom when the dynamic changes?


I agree with RedMagic's answer: it depends. Some people retain a place in your heart, others don't. The whys and wherefores of that have nothing to do with submission, in my mind at least.



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RE: Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 8:45:33 AM   
Shaded1


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/3/2013
Status: offline 		@DarkSteven - I agree and I have also been lucky in remaining friends with the Doms that I have had been in relationships with. I guess what I am getting at is that if a sub gives her submission to Another, can it all be taken back or does a piece always remain. And if a piece remains, then does that mean a piece remains with every Dom she has relationships with?
**of course there are situations where there are issues in the dynamic causing it to end*
@SoulAlloy - yes, it is very hard, but we do have to just keep moving forward :(

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RE: Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 8:58:00 AM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Each person is going to feel differently about whether or not they leave pieces of themselves with others. There honestly is no set answer that is going to fit everyone. I personally don't subscribe to the notion of leaving parts of myself behind when a relationship ends. I came into it a whole person and I leave just as whole.

Depending on the reasons behind why a dynamic ends, some people don't deserve to have you leave a piece of yourself behind with them anyway.

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 12/3/2013 9:05:41 AM >

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RE: Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 9:08:19 AM   
Shaded1


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/3/2013
Status: offline 		Oh I agree with that. And I know that everyone will have different views. I just was curious to hear a few. I of course have my own

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RE: Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 9:11:53 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		When I submit, I submit in full. I am committed for as long as that relationship endures. When it is over, the submission ends. We remain friends but the desire to be ruled by him is no longer in place. And when I love, I love in full. I am committed to loving him for life, even if our relationship ends. I have been in relationships where I did submit. I have had relationships where I have loved. Only once did the two converge. I still desire to submit. I still feel the love. For my survival I shove both those things to the back of my brain and never indulge.

For some things there is no choice except how you make yourself behave.


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to Shaded1)
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RE: Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 9:35:44 AM   
Shaded1


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/3/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you Myssokyst. I guess that sums it up. I really like your answer.

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RE: Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 11:46:35 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Shaded1

I just was curious to hear a few. I of course have my own


And what are yours? Since you're the OP, I'd like to hear your views on this.

Personally, I agree with most of the others. There is no set answer. Each relationship/situation is different.

I've been at this for over 20 years, and there are a few Dommes that I left a piece of myself with. But there are others that I barely remember. In that regard, I don't think that kinky relationships are any different from vanilla relationships. Each is unique, and some are more memorable than others.

(in reply to Shaded1)
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RE: Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 1:21:19 PM   
Shaded1


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/3/2013
Status: offline 		My own opinion goes along the lines of this.

I believe that D/s relationships are much similar to any other with the slight difference that I think they entail more trust. That of course depends on what the dynamic is. I think to allow someone TPE requires more trust than normal. That is simply my humble opinion and I dare say others will disagree :)

When it comes to taking submission back I can only give my own experience. In the 4 serious L/T D/s relationships I have been involved in over the years, I have always managed to walk away from it being friends and feeling able to move on. All apart from 1. The difference, I gave everything I had to Him. I held nothing back. When we separated there was no option for me to take it back. My submission belonged with Him. To Him. Yes I can move on and submit to others but there will always be a part of me belongs to Him.

Someone ^^ there described it perfectly. It's when love and submission converge/intersect that, for me, it cannot be taken back.

This is simply my own feelings and as I say, others will perhaps disagree :)

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
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RE: Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 1:28:09 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		FR,

Would someone please explain the "leaving the piece of me behind" metaphor?

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RE: Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 1:35:25 PM   
Shaded1


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/3/2013
Status: offline 		Sure :)

*Leave a piece of me behind* - when the dynamic is no longer active but the connection you had to that person still exists strongly for you even if you move forward to another relationship. Feelings still remain (a bit like having your first boyfriend and never quite getting over him/her) perhaps there are areas of submission that you can give to others and felt only able to give to that one person.

Hope that explains.

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 1:59:49 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Shaded1
The difference, I gave everything I had to Him. I held nothing back. When we separated there was no option for me to take it back. My submission belonged with Him. To Him. Yes I can move on and submit to others but there will always be a part of me belongs to Him.

You might eventually decide to move on, once you realize what a red flag this sounds like to men. He isn't your child or your bff. He's an ex. Loved ones who are actively in your life are part of the package, and I think women with kids are on average more emotionally mature than women who never had kids, because they've had to live their lives for something outside themselves. But a woman who believes I would never have as much claim to her as a ghost from her past? No thanks.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Shaded1)
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RE: Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 2:09:35 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		I feel the same way as you, Red. I think it's a big red flag to me (as a woman) too. It's not really appealing to be in a dynamic with someone and the looming shadow of a past partner. What incentive is there to fully invest yourself in a relationship with someone who only offers a percentage of who they are to things because some ghost hangs onto the missing percentage?

It's the romantic stuff of a Nicholas Sparks novel, but not really practical from a real life perspective. Just my $ 0.02

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RE: Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 3:06:33 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		How romantic and naive.

Look, I don't know anyone who got married not truly believing they would make it, that their relationship was transcendent, above the norm.

Most of them are divorced or living lives that are very different.

Obviously anyone who has successfully separated from a previous dominant and moved on happily with their life will prove the op false.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 3:24:30 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Caroline Myss talks about energy drains and calling your energy back. Here's a powerful story about taking your spirit back through forgiveness. I have used the cutting the string technique myself.

When we let go of the past, we have more energy for the present.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sZKwLoLiaI

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RE: Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 4:36:51 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Thanks for the link, kalikshima. Very interesting story and idea.

best,
sunshine

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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RE: Can submission be taken back - 12/3/2013 5:45:06 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I would disagree somewhat with the leaving a piece behind as if it would make a person less than whole.
Part of my psyche will always be attached to Gary, but that does not mean there is a damaged part that can never love again. I loved a man before him and was still in love when I found more love inside for him.
Love is not a finite box. Submission is not a finite box. There is room for more if you allow it. I allowed it when I became attached to G.
I hope I can find that with another in the years to come.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

FR,

Would someone please explain the "leaving the piece of me behind" metaphor?



_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to kalikshama)
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