Breasts and submission (Full Version)

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hejira92 -> Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 8:46:25 AM)

I've spoken to some of you privately about this issue, but now Sir has given me permission to post publicly.

(deep breathe)

As some of you know, I've been battling breast cancer and, a few months ago, underwent a double mastectomy. I am in the reconstruction process now- I have implants and next summer will be getting nipple reconstruction and areola tattoos.

Here's my issue- I have always identified as a toy. Sir and I met and defined our relationship in this manner. He's also a breast man. Very, very much so- to the extent that whenever we've played in public, it has never been flogging my back and ass, always various forms of breast torture.

So, now- not only do I have no feeling on the skin of my breasts, I have no nipples and the surgeon has said no to any bondage, bruising or even clothespins on the area.

Although Sir has assured me, many times and in many ways, that He will elicit the response He wants from me in any way He wants (and will have fun finding new ways to do it), I still feel diminished as His property.

I know He values me and loves me- we are life partners and I know that will not change. But I can't get over the feeling that I have let Him down and am no longer His Perfect Toy.

I'm not asking for reassurance. I'm asking this community because the vanilla world could not understand why I feel this way. He's been wonderful and has stood by me through it all- so what could be the problem, right?

I guess I'm just asking for suggestions on how to get over this. Can I redefine myself? If we ever get another female partner (and we are continuously looking), will this effect how I feel about her?

Have you experienced anything similar? How are you dealing?




RedMagic1 -> RE: Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 9:14:43 AM)

If I were your Sir, I'd be glad you were alive. That would be your greatest service to me. In the morning, when you first wake up, smelling funky, with crappy bedhead, when you open your eyes for the first time each morning, you could think to yourself, "I just performed the most important act of service for him that I'll do all day." Because it's true.

On the flip side, when my brother's cancer was end-stage, people would sometimes tell his wife how much she did for him. Her response always was, "But he's doing so much more for me. The way he's handling the disease is so inspiring. He's teaching me so much about how to be a mature person." You have more time than he did. So maybe use this as an opportunity to live your life in a way that finds joy in everything? Serve and inspire by example.



LeatherBentOne51 -> RE: Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 9:22:58 AM)

Have you tried to find a counselor who is at least kink friendly? Does your partner know that you have these feelings? What about confiding in a submissive mentor, who may or may not have gone through the same experience you have? Have you thought about starting a blog if one doesn't already exist?

Good luck and I hope all works out well with you. Best of health.



hejira92 -> RE: Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 9:47:14 AM)

RedMagic- thank you for the perspective. I try to remember this (and He certainly has told me). I am still here and I plan to be for a long time! I just have a need to serve Him in exactly the way I imagine He desires. Maybe I am presuming and forgetting my place in this?



hejira92 -> RE: Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 9:50:28 AM)

LBO- I have some amazing submissive mentor/friends who know my situation quite intimately (one of whom happens to be a counselor), and have discussed this. I posted this because I still feel I haven't processed fully and am looking for more input. I would love to find someone who has gone through this.



ResidentSadist -> RE: Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 9:51:02 AM)

My ex had a double. They moved muscle tissue and veins from her back to build up support for her implants. Later, they rebuilt her nipples and areola using skin from her pussy (Florida doctors btw). I think she looked hot without nipples, but that is aside from the topic. The point is, she was an adult actress/model and her tits were an important feature for her, both personally and professionally. So she got hit hard with changes on several levels.

In time, the scars healed and her tits look real nice now. She is happy and content with them so she isn't even going to have the follow up cosmetic surgery to cover what little is left of the scars. She changed careers and moved back closer to family during her recovery. Nowadays you can play a bit with her tits again but, you can't hang her from the ceiling by them. You couldn't really do that before because she had implants before. She has no sensation from her nipple but appreciates when they get attention for other reasons. Like your sir said, there are other avenues to explore and neither you or my ex are any less or diminished by any means. You are different than you were, but not diminished.

It's like the changes that come when growing up or aging. You can take the changes in stride and go with the flow. At 16 you didn't know half of what you did at 46 so those changes were mental and emotional. At 66 you may start doing things differently than you did at 46 because of changes that are physical. The same is true for the mastectomy. You are no less than you were, you just went through changes. You can have just as full a life, be just as useful, desirable and purposeful as you were before. But there will be some changes.

You have my best wishes and hopes for a speedy recovery.



kajirarainn -> RE: Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 10:31:53 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

If I were your Sir, I'd be glad you were alive. That would be your greatest service to me. In the morning, when you first wake up, smelling funky, with crappy bedhead, when you open your eyes for the first time each morning, you could think to yourself, "I just performed the most important act of service for him that I'll do all day." Because it's true.

On the flip side, when my brother's cancer was end-stage, people would sometimes tell his wife how much she did for him. Her response always was, "But he's doing so much more for me. The way he's handling the disease is so inspiring. He's teaching me so much about how to be a mature person." You have more time than he did. So maybe use this as an opportunity to live your life in a way that finds joy in everything? Serve and inspire by example.



Very good advice!!!!!



hejira92 -> RE: Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 10:38:53 AM)

Thank you RS. Hearing about your ex really helps. Sir also reminds me to give it time- that we are still in the process- that this is not the finished product. As an adult actress/model, she must really have felt the changes!



evesgrden -> RE: Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 11:04:15 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: hejira92

I guess I'm just asking for suggestions on how to get over this. Can I redefine myself? If we ever get another female partner (and we are continuously looking), will this effect how I feel about her?

Have you experienced anything similar? How are you dealing? [/color]




The loss is real, so allow yourself to grieve. You've lost an important part of you, and an important part of you that you enjoyed giving to Him, and pleasing Him with. These are pleasures that you will not have again, not in the same way. This may sound corny or even trite, but pay your respects to your breasts. Heck (and this might be really weird) but the two of you can have a memorial service, spend some time remembering various play sessions, or embarrassing moments, who knows. Glass of wine, box of tissue. But the mistake would be to pretend that you never had them or they weren't important, or that you miss having them, miss sharing them and so on.

The loss is real, and loss requires time. Rather than trying to force yourself to get over it, just bring the grief under your control. Allow yourself, or even set aside extra time in the shower to .. mourn. Suppressed grief is brutal and will raise it's ugly head at the worst possible time. However, taking control of it, meaning you give yourself a set time to just feel what you feel.. if only for 10 minutes a day (you'll be surprised how long 10 minutes can be with no interruptions), then you can start to get over it.

As for bringing in someone new.... I don't have any advice for that other than to say "tread carefully". You are a long way from being ready for that and finding a unicorn is rare enough anyway that it may never be an issue. You don't have to address that today. All you have to do today is get through today. Take care of business, look for joy. And respect the loss.

all the best to you



hejira92 -> RE: Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 11:30:38 AM)

Thank you, evesgrden, You hit a nerve- I know because I started sobbing reading your post. I think, because with the reconstruction, I look perfectly fine in clothes, that people think I haven't lost anything. I've tried to describe it - my breasts have been bigger (I had a reduction) and smaller (when I lost a lot of weight), but they always felt like mine. These don't.

I love your idea of formal mourning. I will bring this to Him and see if we can do it.



RedMagic1 -> RE: Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 11:47:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: evesgrden
As for bringing in someone new.... I don't have any advice for that other than to say "tread carefully".

Yeah, I'd wait on this for a while.



hejira92 -> RE: Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 1:12:53 PM)

Well, we've been searching for about 7 years for the right one, so it's not like we're rushing into anything. Lol. We keep our eyes, minds and hearts open, but if it never happens, we'll be alright with that too.



DarkSteven -> RE: Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 1:26:34 PM)

I've met you. You're one helluva gorgeous woman, and reconstructed breasts won't change that.
You've got the classic sub problem- you know and trust him and know he's telling the truth, but still...

It'll just take time. Time for you to adjust to your re-racking, time for him to adjust his play, and time for you to accept that you remain His, mastectomy and all.



DesFIP -> RE: Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 3:30:41 PM)

I'm surprised your vanilla friends don't understand this. Feeling less; less attractive, less of a woman, less desirable is pretty much par for the course. One of the ways we define female is by possessing breasts.

I presume you're going to support groups. Beyond that, you might benefit from some short term one on one to discuss this issue. It's an issue of self definition more than anything else.

Good luck with your recovery.



kiwisub12 -> RE: Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 3:33:24 PM)

I think you need to give yourself time to accept all that has happened to you. Its a massive body change, and besides changing the way you look, it threatened your life!!!! Its not a small life experience to be assimilated in a couple of months.

I'm thinking you haven't truly accepted your new body yet. Once you are more comfortable with it, I think you will be more accepting of your doms feelings about it. He can accept you and your changes faster than you because its not his body. Its his to play with , but not his to live in. I think you are projecting your worries onto him.

When my late Dom was diagnosed with cancer, he was very anxious( in a very domly manner), because I think he was worried I would leave him, or be disgusted by his body changes. The silly thing was, I could have cared less about his hair, or his weight loss. The thing I loved about him was him - his personality, his dominant side, his sense of humor. Those things didn't change with his diagnosis.

You are his life partner for more than your breasts, or your butt or your hair. He is with you for who you are and aren't - if he wanted a pair of breasts, he could get those anywhere. He wants you and your reactions, not an abstract pair of boobs.
Give yourself time to accept your altered body image, and believe that your partner loves more about you than your boobs.



LittleGirlHeart -> RE: Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 5:11:58 PM)

My best friend went through a double, n did not bother to reconstruct. She felt all this and like nobody wanted a woman with no breasts.

Hejira, maybe you might want to talk to her?
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I'm surprised your vanilla friends don't understand this. Feeling less; less attractive, less of a woman, less desirable is pretty much par for the course. One of the ways we define female is by possessing breasts.






DesFIP -> RE: Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 6:42:16 PM)

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/12/men-more-likely-to-leave-spouse-with-cancer/?_r=0

I know there was a discussion on this not so long ago. But when the stats are this high, it's a reasonable concern.



hejira92 -> RE: Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 7:10:21 PM)

My vanilla friends can understand the anger and the loss of my breasts and how it can affect my body image, but I couldn't imagine trying to explain about feeling like I won't fulfill His needs for a submissive plaything. I had lost a lot of weight before I met Him, and was at the smallest my breasts had ever been. The first big thing we did when we realized we were going to be permanent was to have my breasts augmented. He's into the doll-ification thing. I now wear make up all the time, have my nails done and have grown out my hair. I dress very differently, too. It's part of our kink. I don't think my vanilla friends would understand. lol.

It's these kind of things that add that extra edge to my anxiety. If my primary service to Him was laundry and cooking (although I do those too, lol), I don't think I'd be having as hard a time. I feel my primary service is as a sexual toy and arm candy. And as someone who was an awkward, nerdy, overweight teen and young adult, it's been a helluva lot of fun to be the rock singer's girlfriend.

But, I'm wrong. My primary service is pleasing Him. And me healthy and here is pleasing to Him. I know that. I just feel, on some level, that I need to be perfect- that He deserves perfect. And I can't give that to Him anymore.



DesFIP -> RE: Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 7:23:20 PM)

That's an unwarranted expectation.
Has he told you he expects you to be perfect? That any error may get you booted?

I'm betting exactly the opposite.

To err is human. You both have and will make mistakes. None of which are unfixable.
This is your problem coming from your youth, one many women have. And indeed, many men as well.

You are much more than your body. And I know that although he has enjoyed this play, he loves you for your self.
If all he wanted was a perfect body then he'd have bought a sex robot.

You're far more than that. If you need to hear that from him more now, just ask. I'm sure he'll be glad to repeat it as often as necessary.



RedMagic1 -> RE: Breasts and submission (12/5/2013 7:28:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hejira92
My vanilla friends can understand the anger and the loss of my breasts and how it can affect my body image, but I couldn't imagine trying to explain about feeling like I won't fulfill His needs for a submissive plaything. I had lost a lot of weight before I met Him, and was at the smallest my breasts had ever been. The first big thing we did when we realized we were going to be permanent was to have my breasts augmented. He's into the doll-ification thing. I now wear make up all the time, have my nails done and have grown out my hair. I dress very differently, too. It's part of our kink. I don't think my vanilla friends would understand. lol.


Sure they would, ya goofball. "He's a breast man. Believe me, I know. And that's always been something I could bring to the relationship. So I feel as though I'm letting him down. I love dressing up for him and being sexy for him. It's one of my favorite things."



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