we need help (Full Version)

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cpllooking13 -> we need help (12/12/2013 7:26:54 PM)

My husband and I are both new to this lifestyle. We've played around with it a little and we would like to know if there is any way we can learn more on it? We would like to see what our boundaries are.



RedMagic1 -> RE: we need help (12/12/2013 7:32:50 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: cpllooking13

My husband and I are both new to this lifestyle. We've played around with it a little and we would like to know if there is any way we can learn more on it? We would like to see what our boundaries are.

Take a look at this book list, and buy a book that resonates with you both, then read it together.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm



cpllooking13 -> RE: we need help (12/12/2013 7:36:38 PM)

I've heard that there are Mentors, how would we go about finding one?



Blonderfluff -> RE: we need help (12/12/2013 7:44:39 PM)

Find a local Munch and go together to meet others in your area. This is the best way to find someone compatible to mentor you both
If you haven't found FetLife yet, go check it out. It has many local groups, discussions,events and munches.

And read all you can. It's great you are embarking on this together !!



SeekingTrinity -> RE: we need help (12/12/2013 7:45:36 PM)

Mentors are generally found within the local community. I'm not sure where you live, but FetLife tends to have lots of listings for groups and gatherings that are near you. You will hear folks talk about munches, which are gatherings of kink-minded folks that can take place at places like local restaurants. It's a great way to meet likeminded folks and you could probably meet up with someone experienced who could serve as a mentor.

My only caveat is that it really depends on the "Who" as far as any sort of mentor goes. Being new, it's a bit more difficult to figure out the clueless twits who could be out dominated by a kitten and someone who would be worthwhile to learn from. Connect with people in a community sense, but figure out between you both what's going to work best for you both. Good luck [:)]



KnightofMists -> RE: we need help (12/12/2013 7:48:08 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: cpllooking13

I've heard that there are Mentors, how would we go about finding one?


I would not recommend this.

Instead... I suggest you go out to munches and meet other lifestyles and make friends.



littlewonder -> RE: we need help (12/12/2013 8:52:43 PM)

how about just have fun together? Do something that you both dream up and if you don't like it, don't do it again. If you like it then try it again. Repeat, rinse. You have now found your boundaries....all by yourselves.



RedMagic1 -> RE: we need help (12/12/2013 8:59:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
quote:

ORIGINAL: cpllooking13
I've heard that there are Mentors, how would we go about finding one?

I would not recommend this.
Instead... I suggest you go out to munches and meet other lifestyles and make friends.

Yeah. Your question is kinda spooky, to be honest. How could a kinky stranger know your relationship better than the two of you? If you're having trouble in the relationship, see a licensed professional who can help you learn to communicate with each other better.

What do you want to learn?



BecomingV -> RE: we need help (12/12/2013 9:18:18 PM)

I would suggest that you both talk about your learning styles. Do you prefer to learn alone, or in public? Do you prefer an authority figure, a peer or a group? Do you like to read, watch videos (forget the porn on this, though) or to listen to audios? I would add, "learn by doing" but that's kind of a "given."

I agree that munches are a great way to expose yourselves to lots of variations on what's out there. If you are seeking a mentor, it would be a good idea to take your time to choose one. In the meantime, it's fun to just do a lot of listening and questioning and see what resonates with you.

Best of luck to you both. [:)]



DarkSteven -> RE: we need help (12/12/2013 10:27:41 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists


quote:

ORIGINAL: cpllooking13

I've heard that there are Mentors, how would we go about finding one?


I would not recommend this.

Instead... I suggest you go out to munches and meet other lifestyles and make friends.


Agreed.

It would be so easy for some guy to slap a "mentor" label on his forehead and mess with you.

KoM's suggestion will allow you to learn from people who are not actively involved with you. Avoids a conflict of interest.



JeffBC -> RE: we need help (12/13/2013 11:08:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cpllooking13
My husband and I are both new to this lifestyle. We've played around with it a little and we would like to know if there is any way we can learn more on it? We would like to see what our boundaries are.

Carol and I were new not so long ago. I'd recommend a few books from the booklist but in truth, reading is not the same as doing. So I'd suggest heading on out to a local munch or finding some local person on Fetlife and having a real discussion with real people about whatever it is that might float your boat.

edited to add
Be cautious of the advice you get. Just as always, it pays to get multiple viewpoints. Also, lots of BDSM people make up lots of stuff all the time. Be wary of the guy who's had 30 slaves yada yada.... My rule of thumb was that if it sounded stupid it probably was.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: we need help (12/14/2013 1:14:10 AM)

First welcome to the discussion side. There is a ton of information right here, so learn how to use the clunk search feature on *this* side and you'll bring up tons of threads on most any subject.

Feel free to jump in and start your own thread if you have a specific question. As for the replies you get, use common sense and take it all with a grain of salt, as needed.

Munches are a great idea, it's how you meet like minded friends, and how you find a solid mentor. Like others I recommend being choosy when picking a mentor.

In the meantime read, learn, explore together. Have you filled out a BDSM checklist? That's a great way to open up sexy conversation.

Best, CP



Moonlightmaddnes -> RE: we need help (12/14/2013 8:04:22 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

how about just have fun together? Do something that you both dream up and if you don't like it, don't do it again. If you like it then try it again. Repeat, rinse. You have now found your boundaries....all by yourselves.




Yep, this ^ Your husband knows you and your reactions far better then a stranger.
The only time I have heard of someone being mentored in our local community is learning how to use a whip and not seriously hurt someone.



ResidentSadist -> RE: we need help (12/14/2013 8:57:45 AM)

Mentoring was "the way" at one time. 60 years ago or so, mentoring was just about the only way since there weren't many books available. Also, you had to have a mentor/sponsor to even get invited to a party.

Nowadays it is a bit different. They have workshops, lectures, demos and almost all the events are open to the public for the price of admission. But a good mentor is the still the very best way to learn. However, a bad mentor is among one of the worst ways.

Best advice is to get familiar with your local scene and the people in it. Good mentors don't take on strangers. They teach out of compassion and friendship. For example, any stranger that would respond to you from this thread and offer to mentor you is probably a real bad choice. So go make friends in the real world at munches, parties and events . In the meantime, read some books so you are familiar with your areas of interest, get to know the lingo and learn enough to get comfortable with it and talk socially about it.

good luck



PheonixRose -> RE: we need help (12/14/2013 4:28:06 PM)

As everyone prior to me has said: get a interest survey, fill it out and look up what you dont understand, then start trying out different stuff that you both have marked interest in. Best way to learn stuff thats a little harder or that you dont know how to do is[i ]ask youll never go wrong by asking there are alot of experienced lifestylers on this side of CM and the best way to look for a local group to be a fly on the wall at is going through Fetlife.

I suggest when you go to your first munch that has a play party type environment take some of your own toys that are within Rules of the group (ie. no penetration toys if that is not allowed). I took my floggers to my first munch and sat by the wall in the play room and played fly on the wall. i looked at all the toys they provide (ie spanking bench, suspended bed, saint Andrew's cross) then decided to use the suspended bed so me and my now ex husband took our toys to it and he flogged my back for a little bit till i got subspacy and then there was something that we both got intrigued about so he talked to the couple that was doing it. it was fire play. I watched from my subspace area them do it a little to him and then was asked if i wanted to try. It was fun. I also got to try cupping and loved it.

after playing for a bit we went into another room and sat and talked till we were ready to leave.

Master and pet and i plan on going to munches in what will be our local area when we are all able to be together.

This is one of the many that exists. The best i can tell you is do a google search for BDSM Checklist find one that you like the layout and diversity of questions then print out and fill out then discuss.


Wish you Blessed Beginnings in the lifestyle.



petitespot -> RE: we need help (12/14/2013 6:13:57 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: cpllooking13

My husband and I are both new to this lifestyle. We've played around with it a little and we would like to know if there is any way we can learn more on it? We would like to see what our boundaries are.


Screw all of the suggestions about munches, and checklists and stuff.
Get naked explore and have fun.
It's a relationship, not a business arrangement that you have to fill out a form or attend a meeting to learn more about.



littlewonder -> RE: we need help (12/14/2013 6:54:53 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: petitespot


quote:

ORIGINAL: cpllooking13

My husband and I are both new to this lifestyle. We've played around with it a little and we would like to know if there is any way we can learn more on it? We would like to see what our boundaries are.


Screw all of the suggestions about munches, and checklists and stuff.
Get naked explore and have fun.
It's a relationship, not a business arrangement that you have to fill out a form or attend a meeting to learn more about.


Yup exactly!

I personally don't think munches teach you shit. Exploring each other and just having fun is how you learn each other.



TheWillToThrive -> RE: we need help (12/20/2013 5:36:07 PM)

I have to agree with the people saying just relax and explore together. The difficult part is finding a quality partner who wants to explore with you. Since you have that the fun can begin. Research something that interest you both, together. Put it into practice, together. Learn from your mistakes and don't get fixed on "this way is the right way". The right way is whatever way you find that both of you enjoy. Have fun on your journey!



ShaharThorne -> RE: we need help (12/20/2013 5:57:55 PM)

I do advise NOT to read Fifty Shades. Just a knock off of vampire fanfic...



luv2bcuck -> RE: we need help (12/20/2013 10:25:02 PM)

I agree with the mentor comments, you are going to experience a very narrow perspective having a person influence what you do, my advice is to jump in and play and ultimately be honest with each other about what you like, dislike & anything you are worried about.

Good luck on your journey[:)]



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