Communication, Privacy

Communication, Privacy (Full Version)

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RemoteUser -> Communication, Privacy (12/13/2013 5:19:53 PM)
Communication is a top-of-the-list kind of thing when it comes to any variant of BDSM I can think of. There's limits, safewords, roleplay scenarios, or what I want in my coffee. Some people don't like to share everything, though. That can make things go anywhere from awkward to dangerous. Where do you draw the line when it comes to your privacy? Maybe you like to keep the sex straight fucking, and don't want to open up about your life or any part of it. Perhaps you have kinks you know aren't realistic and don't want to be judged. My lines are pretty clear. I'm open to talking about most anything. I don't gush about my son, unless things get serious there isn't much point (unless that's what the other person is curious about, with something longer term in mind). The same applies to my family in general. I don't get into fine details about my work because some of it is flat out boring. In return, I expect someone to tell me the things I need to know, let me explore some of the things they choose to share, and if it's something the person doesn't want to talk about flat out and it holds no significance whatsoever, that's cool. I'm curious to hear how open other people feel they should be, and how open their partner should be, in the bedroom and out of it.

DesFIP -> RE: Communication, Privacy (12/13/2013 5:30:08 PM)
Doesn't it depend on what kind of a relationship you're looking at? A long term, live together, co-parent relationship has almost no secrecy. You're going to talk about the boring stuff because most of life is composed of the boring stuff. Two minutes of chatting at a dungeon is going to be solely kink based to see if you want to play with each other.

RemoteUser -> RE: Communication, Privacy (12/13/2013 5:42:32 PM)
Granted. Everyone has their own interests, what they want and how they go about it. That's why I'm interested in hearing how it pertains to individuals, as much to share as to examine different viewpoints for different scenarios. Are there common boundaries? What boundaries do people impose on themselves, and expect from others? It's open ended but the results would be pertinent because kink or no kink, what we share and how we share it is significant in any relationship, even an otherwise cut and dried fwb interaction.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Communication, Privacy (12/13/2013 11:01:26 PM)
I expect bathroom time to be private time. That sounds like a flippant answer, but it really isn't. It's very important to me. When I hear folks talk about having a 'no closed door' policy or having to wait for the dominant's whim to use the loo - makes me shudder. I also don't want to discuss bathroom habits beyond 'hey, we're almost out of toothpaste'. We know and share pretty much everything about each other since we're married. I expect to be told anything that will effect me or our relationship and I do the same in return. That often means telling private feelings because they do impact on the way we interact and behave even if we don't mean them to. I'm sure there are boundaries, but it's not something we ever agreed on in words, we just felt our way there.

JeffBC -> RE: Communication, Privacy (12/13/2013 11:06:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RemoteUser Communication is a top-of-the-list kind of thing when it comes to any variant of BDSM I can think of. There's limits, safewords, roleplay scenarios, or what I want in my coffee. It's also top o' the list for any variant of relationship I can think of. quote: Where do you draw the line when it comes to your privacy? In the immortal words of Merc, "Carol isn't people, Carol is ME". We find no reason or need for privacy from each other because it's pretty analogous to privacy from ourselves. Don't get me wrong, there are times when communication is difficult due to various reasons but privacy is never one of them. Usually it comes down to guilt of some sort.

NuevaVida -> RE: Communication, Privacy (12/13/2013 11:19:34 PM)
Not much is private between us. We're mostly an open book to each other. I say mostly because there are things in my past that would affect other people if I told him, but that do not affect our relationship by not telling him. He doesn't have an issue with that - we both respect OTHER people's privacy, when it comes to what we share with each other. Sure some work stuff is boring, but sometimes we share it anyway, and sometimes we don't. We don't really talk about "privacy" vs "transparency." Never really have. There are things I know he's thinking about or even planning in terms of our future, that he'll tell me when he thinks the time is right. I trust his judgment on that, and it's not an issue here. Sometimes I'm processing thoughts & feelings and not ready to share them with him until I sort out what's in my head. He doesn't have an issue with that, either, as he knows I'll share it with him at the right time. It's really not something we talk about. We just do what comes natural to us both, and it works.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Communication, Privacy (12/14/2013 2:23:08 AM)
I admit I have old fashioned notions of privacy, like knock or inquire before you open a closed door. Himself and I enjoy a very open and emotionally transparent relationship, or at least as much of one as each of us is emotionally capable of. If you don't know you have certain feelings, obviously you can't talk about them, and I hold the position that everyone has unconscious or subconscious thoughts and feelings they are incapable of expressing at that point in time. I say this b/c over time some things that were hidden may become revealed. I also enjoy a very emotionally open relationship with my sub. He's told me he's opened up to me more than any other person, and that makes me smile, a LOT. Feeling close enough, and trusting enough, to really open up to your spouse or partner is what relationships are all about to me.

Missokyst -> RE: Communication, Privacy (12/14/2013 10:12:09 AM)
I grew up with very little privacy. It was very common to hear family gossip spread through the phone line or behind a closed door. I learned early on to mask my thoughts, hide evidence of life in plain sight, and lie through pain. Because I am an artist and a writer I became adept at revealing myself knowing the clueless would never see. All that, proved to be destructive to my psyche and somewhere around 25 I discovered it had to change if I wanted to keep living. So, about myself I am very open to revealing my life experience. But about my family? Only with years of trust built up. I don't being home dates to my house unless I have been seeing someone for a year or more. I don't give anyone my home number. When I am sharing my body with a new relationship he can ask anything about me and I will reveal. Sexually I am an open book. I am of the older generation so for me bathroom time is private. Of course this does not include the shower which is often shared. I don't fart or burp anywhere someone might hear because the thought of being unladylike is horrifying to me. Wasn't how I grew up. I am honest about who I am. But very guarded about those around me. It does take a long time for me to relax my resolve and allow someone into my private family life.

kalikshama -> RE: Communication, Privacy (12/14/2013 10:46:56 AM)
My man and I share quite a bit of our present. When we're watching series on NetFlix, we'll take cuddle breaks in between episodes and talk and talk and talk. He absolutely, positively, does not want to hear anything about my past sexual history, which wouldn't be a big deal if we were vanilla, but until we got into our grove, made discussions about some aspects of kink a bit cumbersome. I was glad when I got him to open up about his ex wife. I like to know why past relationships end.

ResidentSadist -> RE: Communication, Privacy (12/14/2013 11:05:19 AM)
For my slave and I there is no line, no privacy. Not bathroom, email, finance, family, history or anything. Nothing is hidden. In my book, neither Master nor slave can hold secrets or limit exposure if they are to succeed at M/s. I feel trust inspires love and that makes surrender and control possible. If I am to succeed at a 100% power exchange, there is no room for secrets or privacy on either part under any pretense, not even the pretense of respect. My power to control comes from completely exposing who I am, not from false invulnerability created by guarding my exposure to you.

LittleGirlHeart -> RE: Communication, Privacy (12/14/2013 12:59:12 PM)
I am an open book and if i am communicating with others who may be a relationship i ecpect them to be as well. I am learning to be less an open book with some people and in some instances, like on collar me. or fet where it can get me attacked un nessesarily for sharing my soft underbelly to much, or with people like his mother, who will think less of me for having issues. quote: ORIGINAL: RemoteUser Communication is a top-of-the-list kind of thing when it comes to any variant of BDSM I can think of. There's limits, safewords, roleplay scenarios, or what I want in my coffee. Some people don't like to share everything, though. That can make things go anywhere from awkward to dangerous. Where do you draw the line when it comes to your privacy? Maybe you like to keep the sex straight fucking, and don't want to open up about your life or any part of it. Perhaps you have kinks you know aren't realistic and don't want to be judged. My lines are pretty clear. I'm open to talking about most anything. I don't gush about my son, unless things get serious there isn't much point (unless that's what the other person is curious about, with something longer term in mind). The same applies to my family in general. I don't get into fine details about my work because some of it is flat out boring. In return, I expect someone to tell me the things I need to know, let me explore some of the things they choose to share, and if it's something the person doesn't want to talk about flat out and it holds no significance whatsoever, that's cool. I'm curious to hear how open other people feel they should be, and how open their partner should be, in the bedroom and out of it.

littlewonder -> RE: Communication, Privacy (12/14/2013 7:11:15 PM)
There is no privacy between us. If I want some privacy however, I just ask him. Sometimes he allows it. Other times he doesn't. Other times he may allow it temporarily but expect me to not have privacy about an issue at a later time. It just depends on why I want the privacy. Then again, I have never really been a private person, except when it comes to my daughter or someone else close to me, only because they are not me and I don't have permission from them to divulge information. If someone ever asked me something otherwise, I would just be honest and tell them. I just never had a reason for privacy. I just have nothing in my life to hide. ETA: As for Master, there are times he likes his privacy and I'm fine with that. For the most part it's extremely rare though. He's pretty open about everything. His rules are his rules. His rules for me are his rules. Never said we have an equal relationship.

BecomingV -> RE: Communication, Privacy (12/15/2013 4:27:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist My power to control comes from completely exposing who I am, not from false invulnerability created by guarding my exposure to you. RS - I just love that! ^^^ I have a spiritual core that only I access. I differentiate between acquaintances and friends. Friends are family of the heart, so they get all the way in. With acquaintances, my need for privacy is heightened. Friendships with BDSM lifestylers necessitates some extra probing. I always ask if we have private space, or not. For instance, if a slave or sub has entered into an agreement with their Dom/Master to "tell all," then I need to know that. I may not choose to reveal to both what I would reveal to only one, especially if I have a closer relationship to one of them.

KnightofMists -> RE: Communication, Privacy (12/15/2013 8:49:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RemoteUser I'm curious to hear how open other people feel they should be, and how open their partner should be, in the bedroom and out of it. We have a open door policy. But this doesn't mean that we walk into each other's thoughts and feelings every moment of every day. But we can we want to and we often do. Funny story! A week or so ago I was in the bedroom late evening to sleep with one of the girls. Things got alittle frisky and wanting and I slid up on top and was just starting to slide into her. Just as I did this one of the other girls opens the door and starts asking me a couple of questions. She didn't realize that I had just started fucking as we were covered in blankets. I answered her as I give a full thrust. It's then my one girl realized what was happening. We laugh at the situation, the one girl leaves to finish what she was doing and I continue to enjoy myself without missing a thrust ;) Even when the door is closed... We can just walk in. It's how we live.

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