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Don't judge... - 12/23/2013 12:36:50 PM

somdkink

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/28/2008
Status: offline

Please don't judge me - looking for some advice.

To make a long story very short - I am married and now find myself in a situation where my wife (whom I love very much) was recently injured and is no longer able to participate in activities we used to enjoy together.

How do you go about meeting someone that is understanding of our situation?

Post #: 1

RE: Don't judge... - 12/23/2013 12:41:14 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

Does your wife know?

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Post #: 2

RE: Don't judge... - 12/23/2013 12:42:57 PM

hlen5

Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Does your wife know?

His profile indicates maybe.

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One time "Phallus Expert Extraordinaire"

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 3

RE: Don't judge... - 12/23/2013 12:43:18 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Your methods for going about meeting someone doesn't change. Online, in person, what did you do before you were married?

I most strongly suggest you be honest with your wife AND anyone you're trying to hook up with about your situation. It's not ideal but it can be overcome.

_____________________________

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Post #: 4

RE: Don't judge... - 12/23/2013 12:44:07 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: somdkink

Please don't judge me - looking for some advice.

To make a long story very short - I am married and now find myself in a situation where my wife (whom I love very much) was recently injured and is no longer able to participate in activities we used to enjoy together.

How do you go about meeting someone that is understanding of our situation?

Before my brother died, he was sexually nonfunctional for some time. I would have supported his wife if she'd wanted a sex partner, because I could see how much she loved him, and how much she did for him. I think he would have had a hard time with it. Also, it wasn't something she wanted before he passed away, so it came to nothing. But life takes hard turns sometimes, and mature people understand this.

About as many women cheat as men, so it isn't as though you'll never find anybody.

But to answer your question: to find a decent person who will get involved with this situation, don't do any looking until your wife is ok with it. And that doesn't mean she says she's ok with it. It means she's really ok with it.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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Post #: 5

RE: Don't judge... - 12/23/2013 12:47:46 PM

somdkink

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/28/2008
Status: offline

Let me clarify - I'm not really interested in meeting someone. Just someone who may also understand this situation from experience.

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Post #: 6

RE: Don't judge... - 12/23/2013 12:49:37 PM

somdkink

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/28/2008
Status: offline

And thanks for the responses - I really thought I would throw this out there and not get a response. Our interests have never gone beyond our own explorations so the idea of a community of like-minded people is foreign.

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Post #: 7

RE: Don't judge... - 12/23/2013 4:06:54 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

I'm not understanding what you are looking for, could you clarify some more? What do you mean you are looking for someone who may understand your situation from experience - you want someone to talk to about it in a general way? Or you want someone to talk to about kinky things and get your rocks off? Are you looking for community or a sexual outlet?

(in reply to somdkink)

Post #: 8

RE: Don't judge... - 12/23/2013 4:10:37 PM

somdkink

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/28/2008
Status: offline

Community - great way to put it. Doubt anyone has the same life experience - but you never know.

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 9

RE: Don't judge... - 12/23/2013 5:58:32 PM

VideoAdminChi

Posts: 3086
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline

While this thread is now in Off Topic, posters should not interpret that as a green light to attack the OP. Please read his subsequent posts before replying.

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Post #: 10

RE: Don't judge... - 12/23/2013 6:10:36 PM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

I may be totally off base but I am getting the impression that you are looking for more of a traditional friend or therapist....just one who will understand what "type" of activities you now miss. I get that...often if you discuss any thing related to BDSM with vanilla people, they spend more time focused on the sexual or "abusive" elements than the human interactions and relationship issues that are the same for ANY relationship..

There is a list of "kink aware" therapists and you may find several sympathetic ears around here.

(in reply to VideoAdminChi)

Post #: 11

RE: Don't judge... - 12/23/2013 7:14:42 PM

somdkink

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/28/2008
Status: offline

Sorry if I offended with off topic.

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Post #: 12

RE: Don't judge... - 12/23/2013 7:18:30 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

You didn't offend in the least, in my opinion.

And you'd be surprised at the number of people who would understand your situation very well. I am going through something similar in that my aging, arthritic body won't let me do many things I used to enjoy.

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Post #: 13

RE: Don't judge... - 12/23/2013 7:24:02 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

My late dom was ............unable to do the things we enjoyed for several months before he died. He also had erectile dysfunction from heart disease from the time I met him.
I missed the things we did a lot more than sex.

It would have made things a lot easier if I had had someone I could have talked to about my situation. I felt l couldn't talk to any of our bdsm friends because it would be disloyal, and I didn't want to expose him to ........ pity. I loved him very much, and there were times I wished he would hurry up and die so I could get back to a normal life. I also felt very guilty about my feelings.
There were times I would have given anything for a good caning the way he could do them.

There are several people on CM that have lost people and don't mind talking about it. Perhaps they will chime in.

Of course, it would help if your first post didn't sound quite so much as if you were looking for a bit on the side - lol.

(in reply to somdkink)

Post #: 14

RE: Don't judge... - 12/23/2013 7:30:53 PM

VideoAdminChi

Posts: 3086
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: somdkink

Sorry if I offended with off topic.

You didn't offend. Your first post sounded like you were trying to cheat on your injured wife, which people tend to judge harshly, but your later posts indicate that's not the case. I'm not sure what you are asking for, but want people to read more of your responses before answering you.

(in reply to somdkink)

Post #: 15

RE: Don't judge... - 12/23/2013 8:03:44 PM

somdkink

Posts: 6
Joined: 1/28/2008
Status: offline

I can see that - thanks everyone that responded and helped clarify - i may not be the most articulate and even just looking for someone to exchange thoughts on this situation feels to me like it is out of bounds. I can't imagine seeing a therapist about this - so maybe I just need to figure it out myself.

Sincere thanks to all for taking the time to read and respond.

(in reply to VideoAdminChi)

Post #: 16

RE: Don't judge... - 12/23/2013 8:12:16 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: somdkink

Please don't judge me - looking for some advice.

To make a long story very short - I am married and now find myself in a situation where my wife (whom I love very much) was recently injured and is no longer able to participate in activities we used to enjoy together.

How do you go about meeting someone that is understanding of our situation?

You tell them and make sure you have your wife with you when you meet that person or otherwise they will just assume you're cheating on her.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 12/23/2013 8:15:12 PM >

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Post #: 17

RE: Don't judge... - 12/23/2013 8:14:11 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: somdkink

Community - great way to put it. Doubt anyone has the same life experience - but you never know.

I bet most of us do. I can't play like I used to. Master understands and we just change the way we play. Is this not possible for you?

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Post #: 18

RE: Don't judge... - 12/24/2013 4:57:18 AM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: somdkink

And thanks for the responses - I really thought I would throw this out there and not get a response. Our interests have never gone beyond our own explorations so the idea of a community of like-minded people is foreign.

If you want to talk about the issues you and your wife are having, feel free to send me a letter on the other side. Many of the kinksters I know have some disability or another. bo and I are also riddled with disabilities that often interfere, limit, yada yada, with our ability to...do what we want.

I could start a long list here but you might be drinking coffee and I don't want to make you fall to sleep or ruin your keyboard. Okay, a short list, lol. Erectile dysfunction, lotsa penile piercings to increase sensitivity (for me it was like having sex with an insertable cheese grater), three surgeries, my spending 10 days in the hospital at death's door and losing 25% of my lungs...and one of the dozens of clots in my lungs getting into my heart murmer area and giving me a small heart attack, bad knees, and early menopause from past chemos ...and ...and ...and!!! The only lube that worked on me has been recently discontinued! My flogging ability is at the mercy of my carpal tunnel syndrome and arthritis, and bo has a brain injury that f*s up his body's thermostat. For him to be comfortable and not sick as a dog I have to be shivering and wearing a sweater. Live goes on. We get by anyway.

There are so many gadgets out there and BDSM furniture available (have y'all bought a Hitachi Magic Wand yet?), people to meet and scene with, etc.

It took me eight years to join a real time "kink community"...and it's been good. There is an M/s support group called MAsT, BDSM "Munch groups" that show up at restaurants for a meet and greet, private play parties, experienced fellow kinksters who have built BDSM furniture to get around disabilities, folks who are poly and want play partners, and others who have made me aware of swinger groups who are kink friendly/curious. If you need help finding your groups...

I can get you information but you will need to be a lot more specific. I don't know what you and your wife had been doing that you can't do any more and I don't like to guess.

(in reply to somdkink)

Post #: 19

RE: Don't judge... - 12/24/2013 8:42:54 AM

Rasciallymisty

Posts: 5749
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline

Somdkink I have dealt with my Dom being ill for over three years and then his death......if you wish someone just to chat with please feel free to look me up on the other side. I would be most happy to share with you and maybe offer what helped me the most. :) Glad you have come looking it can help to have others to talk with.

Also welcome its nice to have you join us here and I am sorry to hear about your wife.

_____________________________

~misty~

Been here since 2004

Fear has two meanings: "Forget Everything And Run" or "Face Everything And Rise." The choice is yours!!!!!

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Post #: 20

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