RE: When is it abuse? (Full Version)

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CollaredProperty -> RE: When is it abuse? (12/23/2013 8:18:09 PM)

Blonderfluff-- this profile was initially created for us to find a slave.. this incident happened recently... and I've been confused about if my consent to bdsm was the same as allowing everything else.. because it felt wrong to me.. and he was trying hard to convince me..that him busting my eardrum.. wasn't a big deal.. that couples go through these things... and I wanted an opinion from people who are more experienced in the lifestyle... He was the first man I gave consent to hurt.. me and everything about our incident was/and has been horrible ever since



CollaredProperty -> RE: When is it abuse? (12/23/2013 8:19:29 PM)

angelika thanks.. this profile wasn't started until 2012



Blonderfluff -> RE: When is it abuse? (12/23/2013 8:21:07 PM)

Thank you for clearing that up.
It wouldn't be a bad idea to go into your profile and put a simple line in there that you are not looking. Or better yet. Un tick the "couple" button in the "edit profile" section.

I probably won't be the only one from over here to check. :)



MsMJAY -> RE: When is it abuse? (12/23/2013 8:23:52 PM)

Whatever is or isn't going on with your signature line is irrelevant and has nothing to do with the fact that you came here asking for advice regarding abuse.

The lines in this are not blurred and it would not matter if you cheated on him or not. No one has the right to abuse you. You should end this now. Seek legal help if he continues to harass you and possibly seek counseling so that you may be able to get past this and move on.

If you choose to stay in the lifestyle I would suggest you get acquainted with members of your local BDSM munch. You can do a web search to find out when and where they meet in your area. Its helps a lot to have local friends in this lifestyle.

I wish you well in making this difficult transition.

Be blessed.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CollaredProperty

I don't know what the signature line is.. when I click add signature... that signature was showing up.. but I'm not slave susan.. and I have no idea who Master L could be... I am most definitely NOT looking for a Master-- and I wasn't looking for another while we were together... my adjustment to the lifestyle was such a process and just overwhelming at timess.. that I'm considering leaving the lifestyle after this experience... it seemed that too many lines were blurred and the very thing I feared happened.. we had conversations early on.. about the difference between bdsm and abuse...




angelikaJ -> RE: When is it abuse? (12/23/2013 8:27:03 PM)

So my guess is you ended up with a profile that was discarded but the posts are still connected and the old profile was still active on this side.



SweetAnise -> RE: When is it abuse? (12/23/2013 8:28:41 PM)

This is most definitely abuse. Follow you instincts and your gut. I would like to suggest a book to you Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Read the book, heal yourself, and make some space between you and him. Healing and Blessings to You.



angelikaJ -> RE: When is it abuse? (12/23/2013 8:29:42 PM)

As you heal, you may find this text helpful:
http://www.buildfreedom.com/content/books/survive/

You have multiple losses: the loss of trust, the loss of a dream... .

Take good care of yourself.



VideoAdminDelta -> RE: When is it abuse? (12/23/2013 8:30:50 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

So my guess is you ended up with a profile that was discarded but the posts are still connected and the old profile was still active on this side.


Very good.

That is exactly what has happened. Just because a profile is deleted on the CM side does not make it deleted on the CC side. It is a glitch.

Delta



Blonderfluff -> RE: When is it abuse? (12/23/2013 8:41:50 PM)

Collared
I am so glad your profile stuff was figured out.... Please, continue to seek help and advice in real life. You came here, and got much support and confirmation of what You already knew in your heart. Be courageous enough to take care of yourself. Let us know how you are doing.



hlen5 -> RE: When is it abuse? (12/24/2013 12:21:24 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: CollaredProperty
He became very angry out of jealousy, and during an argument in anger he hit me, to the point that I required medical attention, am I being harsh on him, or correct in reading this as abuse?

I would call this abuse. But ask yourself this, if your best friend asked you this same question, what would you tell her??

NBMG


An excellent question!!



hlen5 -> RE: When is it abuse? (12/24/2013 12:29:09 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff


quote:

ORIGINAL: hlen5

Another vote for abuse. All the posts on here, however, are opinions. How do YOU feel? Given the fact you have cut off communications, I'd say you feel the same way.

Please remember the first time someone strikes you in anger, you are a victim. The second time, you are a volunteer.

^^^^THAT is excellent. I'm keeping that in my notebook.


I'm glad you liked it! The truth of that statement rang out like a bell to me. I think I first read that from the book "The Gift of Fear". That book should be on every mandatory high school reading list!



hlen5 -> RE: When is it abuse? (12/24/2013 12:33:50 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: CollaredProperty

RedMagic1-- if you said go back, I would say I can't I absolutely don't trust being vulnerable to him again. I'm scared he will hurt me again, I'm incredibly disappointed and broken hearted because he was my air, and I just can't believe he would hurt me-- like this.



This speaks well for your sanity.



hlen5 -> RE: When is it abuse? (12/24/2013 12:38:51 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: CollaredProperty

angelika thanks.. this profile wasn't started until 2012



Did he have access to your passwords??



CynthiaWVirginia -> RE: When is it abuse? (12/24/2013 4:00:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CollaredProperty

He keeps telling me it's a small issue and reiterates the physical activities i have consented to, and how he's confused about this being different.


Before I decided to master another person...I worked on mastering myself. I took time to learn the difference between BDSM and abuse, between Dominance and merely being domineering.

Using physical violence...would be admitting to myself and to the world that I was incapable of getting what I wanted/needed by using my intellect, kindness, patience, and sheer force of personality.

When I'm angry I walk it off, go watch some tv, go outside to prune my rosebushes or write some huge rant that I delete. I deal with the issue that angered me when I am calm, even if it takes hours or days before I am up to having a constructive conversation that will end in my getting what I want. (Or rather, what's best for all concerned. His needs will come before my wants, and I have to factor our dependents and extended families into the equasion.)

Btw, not taking responsibility for injuring my lifemate/slave on purpose or by accident...I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around that. If we mess up then we need to "man up" and take responsibility for it.

I would leave someone who hit me in anger, if it resulted in a hospital visit. Especially if I loved them. I would figure that their growth was being stunted by being with me...and that staying would be enabling this unacceptable behavior. (If several people left a relationship for the same reason, wouldn't the one left standing alone eventually figure out that the one common denominator...?)

There are exceptions to the hitting in anger thing; if I played with bo so hard that his brain shut down and he went "feral"...then I would take responsibility for his condition.

What attracted me to the D/s side of BDSM was the amazing trust that can be built between two people. If this is what you need...don't settle for less.



HntersToy -> RE: When is it abuse? (12/25/2013 1:52:00 PM)

CynthiaWVirginia that was a well written, thoughtful and at some points a funny post! I agree with what you said about dealing with the what angered when you are calm.

At one point, I angered my Master, He had every right to be very angry with me, i stepped completely out of line in what was probably a sub drop moment, not sure I completely understand sub drop, but any way, i acted poorly in an email or two to Him. He put me on hold for a couple of days and dealt with me in a calm controlling manner, He was still angry, but we were able to deal with it in an adult D/s fashion.

OP, I pray that you leave this jerk wannabe and do so safely. When I was young I dated a man much older than me. He never once displayed his anger to me....until I broke things off with him. He saw me with another man and followed us, it was literally a car chase. We lost him. Problem is he found where my car was parked and sat in waiting for me to return. As I was getting my car, he came from behind and pushed me over to the passenger seat and took me for a ride while repeatedly hitting me, he drove me to places in the city that were pretty scary and I truly thought I was going to die that night of his doing.

This was AFTER we split...please be careful.



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