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sub drop and asking for help - 12/26/2013 5:48:22 PM

lovethyself

Posts: 1818
Joined: 11/4/2012
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How can you tell if what's got your head in a spin is sub drop?

I'm in a bad headspace right now, and I'm not exactly sure what the cause is. I've been playing with someone recently, and the last time, the conversation afterwards led towards the possibility for more. But it's triggered some insecurities in me. I've been able to hold it off for the family dinners, but now that I'm back home, with an empty house, I can't ignore the thoughts.

I don't know if this is a burn out moment from too much holiday stress, pms, or a bump in the bi-polar (I've been pretty good at keeping myself level for a couple of years now).

I'm really not good at asking for help from partners, especially when it shows me in a less than appealing light. I want the support, but I don't want to come across as an emotional nutcase.

Part of the problem is that my trigger is something that he said, where he needs time to see if he can get past something I disclosed. I don't want to seem like I'm trying to manipulate the situation by sharing what him needing time to figure things out is doing to me.

How do you know when to ask for help? Especially something new and casual (up until the last conversation)?

Post #: 1

RE: sub drop and asking for help - 12/26/2013 5:56:51 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

It's definitely not sub-drop. Your problem is you are insecure with this guy. You need to talk to this guy about what happened and what you are feeling. Sounds like you have begun to maybe have more feelings for him than just a play partner and you're not sure where all of this is leading. So you two definitely need to talk about what's going on.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to lovethyself)

Post #: 2

RE: sub drop and asking for help - 12/26/2013 6:11:50 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

I don't think it's subdrop. I think you may have shared something intimate and difficult with him, and now you're left hanging until he figures out how to process it. So you might be feeling like you're the subject of a "keep or toss" decision, and that's a pretty sucky feeling.

I know when the Mister & I were first getting to know each other (with the idea that if we kept moving forward it would not be casual) I revealed something very difficult to reveal to him. I did it through an email, because I couldn't actually look him in the eye and verbalize it yet. And I knew that he may or may not be able to receive it, but it was something I needed to share, even if it meant he'd say "see ya later." It was a difficult place to be - a very insecure feeling, indeed.

I'm pretty open and honest. In your shoes, I'd tell him his reaction has left me feeling rather insecure, and I'd like to talk about his thoughts about it. And if he didn't want to...well...that might turn *me* off.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to lovethyself)

Post #: 3

RE: sub drop and asking for help - 12/26/2013 6:20:29 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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I'm something of a stickler about space and drop. In the very simplest terms, space is the reaction of the brain's chemistry from an overabundance of endorphins in the brain. Drop is actually the brain readjusting to the 'normal' flow of endorphins, which after a rush, doesn't really seem like normal. It's our own brain fooling us into thinking we're in a low. It can make people feel lonely, sad, depressed, etc. However, not all loneliness, sadness, or depression are necessarily drop.

Some people drop immediately after play or it can be even two or three days later. If you played a week ago, you probably don't have drop. You have normal human emotions that don't have anything to do with the tricking the brain chemistry that we do when we engage in BDSM.

As far as people experiencing drop because of play that I've engaged in with them, yes, I want to know about that. I tend to send people that I have played with (casually) an email the next day to check in on them. Remind them to do the things that help folks avoid drop. (Extra rest, if needed, make sure they are remembering to stay hydrated, and they pay attention to eat.) I open the door by asking if they are experiencing any drop so they feel better about discussing it with Me if they do. Other than that, if there isn't more than a friendship between us, if we played on Saturday, drop hasn't hit by Tuesday or Wednesday, (and even that's a stretch) My responsibility as a top has ended when it comes to the subject of drop.

A few times along the way, I've had people where I wasn't the top who conducted the play, but bottoms have contacted Me for a bit of help. Most folks who have experienced drop (and some tops get it, too) are willing to help out. I've had friends who have done the same thing for Me when the positions are reversed.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to lovethyself)

Post #: 4

RE: sub drop and asking for help - 12/26/2013 6:26:58 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovethyself
Part of the problem is that my trigger is something that he said, where he needs time to see if he can get past something I disclosed. I don't want to seem like I'm trying to manipulate the situation by sharing what him needing time to figure things out is doing to me.

This doesn't sound like drop; it sounds like a trigger.

Maybe do this? "Hey, can we have lunch/coffee/dinner together tomorrow? I want to talk about what we did together. Ok?" Then, when you meet, "Hey, John, I wanted to hear you talk for a bit. I know I told you the other day that (whatever it was that you disclosed), and I want to know what you're thinking and feeling."

If he says he needs time, say, "no problem, I'm not asking to play, or to go on a romantic date. But it's important to me to know how what I said affects you, because I don't tell people very often. So please talk for a bit."

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to lovethyself)

Post #: 5

RE: sub drop and asking for help - 12/26/2013 6:28:12 PM

lovethyself

Posts: 1818
Joined: 11/4/2012
Status: offline

We have talked. It's one of the things that I really like. The openness in communication. It's that this particular thing I don't want to bring to him because I don't want it to influence his decision. He needs to make that call on his own, free and clear of doubt.

I'm just scared, I guess. Rejection sucks, and sitting in limbo is driving me nuts.

lw, we did talk about where this is going. That's sort of what started all this.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 6

RE: sub drop and asking for help - 12/26/2013 6:33:30 PM

ThundersCry54

Posts: 71
Joined: 5/6/2013
Status: offline

I can remember after some *play* and dropping...I had to force myself to *process* what was going on with me...
Thats what your doing imo, and thats great! processing *stuff*...
I had friends, though not local I would have to email and spit out what was going on. They were a huge help...kinda what LP, mentioned...
I was not always great at communicating with my partner in the beginning, so I relied on friends within the scene at the time...
From all I have read from your posts the past few months I think YOUR doing GREAT!
Have fun!

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 7

RE: sub drop and asking for help - 12/26/2013 6:39:21 PM

lovethyself

Posts: 1818
Joined: 11/4/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

This doesn't sound like drop; it sounds like a trigger.

Maybe do this? "Hey, can we have lunch/coffee/dinner together tomorrow? I want to talk about what we did together. Ok?" Then, when you meet, "Hey, John, I wanted to hear you talk for a bit. I know I told you the other day that (whatever it was that you disclosed), and I want to know what you're thinking and feeling."

If he says he needs time, say, "no problem, I'm not asking to play, or to go on a romantic date. But it's important to me to know how what I said affects you, because I don't tell people very often. So please talk for a bit."

I like this. I think the problem is that we've talked a lot of it through already, but he still needs time to assimilate the information and decide if it's something he can accept. I'm currently in a holding pattern while that happens. In the mean time, we're still making plans to hang out outside of play. I'm just scared to invest too much of anything into it while that hangs over my head.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 8

RE: sub drop and asking for help - 12/26/2013 8:44:24 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Do you want to spend time with him with this hanging over your head? Because if you feel you would do better without being reminded, then tell him that.

But you need to talk to him. Yes, maybe this will give him the prod to decide that you're too high maintenance for him. But if so, don't you think it would happen anyway? And wouldn't it be better to find out sooner instead of later?

How long are you okay with him taking to process before you decide it isn't working for you?

_____________________________

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Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to lovethyself)

Post #: 9

RE: sub drop and asking for help - 12/26/2013 8:55:04 PM

EventideFortuna

Posts: 31
Joined: 10/8/2013
Status: offline

First, Apples, pineapples,mangos and red meat (if you eat it) and lots of water.

This will help with the bi polar funk. The fruit naturally releases saritonin in the brain which makes you feel happy and the red meat helps with iron and protein to help replenish the body after play.

Then give him space, let him know your around for him to ask questions to process further, but until he makes the decision of friends or not or what ever. You need to do what you need to do to keep out of limbo.

It might push him one way or the other but it keeps you from going one way or the other mentally.

Also what is it he has to process if you dont mind me asking?

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 10

RE: sub drop and asking for help - 12/27/2013 5:14:12 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

How long are you okay with him taking to process before you decide it isn't working for you?

I think this is an important question to answer. Yes he has a right to take time to consider things. But you also have a right to only wait so long before you decide to move on. But before you move on... I think you need to make it clear that you will not wait forever.

Not pressure him.... But you should make him aware that you are out of sorts with this hanging over your head. That you can only tolerate it for so long. The problem is. You likely can't define that time line anymore than he can define how long he will take to process things.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 11

RE: sub drop and asking for help - 12/27/2013 5:02:22 PM

LeatherBentOne51

Posts: 89
Joined: 12/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Do you want to spend time with him with this hanging over your head? Because if you feel you would do better without being reminded, then tell him that.

But you need to talk to him. Yes, maybe this will give him the prod to decide that you're too high maintenance for him. But if so, don't you think it would happen anyway? And wouldn't it be better to find out sooner instead of later?

How long are you okay with him taking to process before you decide it isn't working for you?

I'm always amazed at the common sense and wisdom of your posts.

Personally, I don't like to be prodded once I mention I need time to process and digest, but I make sure that I keep and mention a timeline so this process has some closure for myself and the other person; ie., sometimes a few days or perhaps a week depending on the circumstances.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 12

RE: sub drop and asking for help - 12/27/2013 8:58:22 PM

FrostedFlake

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

I don't know what was disclosed. I hope there is a very good reason to leave you hanging. And I offer my best wishes.

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simul justus et peccator
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(in reply to LeatherBentOne51)

Post #: 13

RE: sub drop and asking for help - 12/29/2013 12:04:37 AM

lovethyself

Posts: 1818
Joined: 11/4/2012
Status: offline

Des, Red, thank you. I did talk to him again. It turns out that I missinterpreted what he meant to say. I let my fears make it more than it was. Your perspectives gave me pause, and Red, your spin on how to talk about it really helped.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThundersCry54
I had friends, though not local I would have to email and spit out what was going on. They were a huge help...kinda what LP, mentioned...
I was not always great at communicating with my partner in the beginning, so I relied on friends within the scene at the time...

That's kind of how I view the forums here. I see it as an online munch that I can get perspectives from a variety of people. I know that I can let my mind get me in trouble sometimes if I'm not careful, so I'll ask for people's perspective so I can see if from a different angle. Even this discussion was enough for me to get a handle on it and be able to have a mature, constructive conversation with him. Which was the goal to the thread.

FrostedFlake, yeah, it was a good reason. His caution is one of the things I like about him. That and his honesty. Thanks for the good wishes.

(in reply to FrostedFlake)

Post #: 14

RE: sub drop and asking for help - 12/29/2013 12:46:33 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovethyself
That's kind of how I view the forums here. I see it as an online munch that I can get perspectives from a variety of people. I know that I can let my mind get me in trouble sometimes if I'm not careful, so I'll ask for people's perspective so I can see if from a different angle. Even this discussion was enough for me to get a handle on it and be able to have a mature, constructive conversation with him. Which was the goal to the thread.

Just so you know, that part is pretty awesome.

I am glad it turned out ok and really appreciate the update.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to lovethyself)

Post #: 15

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