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Trying to find the right Dom - 12/27/2013 8:43:27 AM

subbbw1966

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/21/2013
Status: offline

After a few failed attempts on another site, I am trying my luck here. I think I was unfortunate to chat with some fake Doms who told me that they wanted r/t but just wanted online. I went into it hoping to find someone who starts online then moves to r/t. I felt silly talking to one for months, whether by phone or cam and then setting up that first r/t meeting and then they didn't show up. I thought I had made a good mental connection with this Dom. He reached out later to say there was a death in the family so I can understand that but it really upset me that he could go talking for a few hours per night to absolutely nothing. Nerves might have taken over?

I am trying to do my best to weed out some of the fakes. I have found some Doms require obedience right away, calling the Sir or Master. To me, this isn't quite right. That title is earned. It takes a while to get to know someone well enough to call them Master. I am told I am not submissive because I don't obey right away. Is that wrong? I have been submissive to a Dom before but after he earned it.

Post #: 1

RE: Trying to find the right Dom - 12/27/2013 9:24:45 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Is there a reason you aren't meeting for coffee or dinner within a few days of knowing that the email contact went well? I don't understand how you expect to attract men who want something in real life if you want to start out online and then move to real time "later."

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to subbbw1966)

Post #: 2

RE: Trying to find the right Dom - 12/27/2013 9:30:22 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

It depends what you want.

When I was looking, I wanted a man who was looking for an exclusive ltr. He had to be dominant, but he also had to be 'partner material'.

So I made it clear to him that there would be dating before there was kink. He agreed, so we chatted online for a while and we avoided talk of sex or kink (at least in any kind of detail). We met for coffee, dated for several months and then transitioned to D/s.

Think of it like dating a vanilla person until you really get to know each other in real life. Explain that the person you're talking to. If he chooses to cross those boundaries, then move onwards and upwards.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to subbbw1966)

Post #: 3

RE: Trying to find the right Dom - 12/27/2013 9:30:46 AM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

I am told I am not submissive because I don't obey right away. Is that wrong?

Yes, it is wrong that they say you are not submissive because you don't obey right away.

Pretend Doms ask this because they think demanding this up front projects them as a Dom when in fact a confident Dom waits for it to happen.

Arturas

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to subbbw1966)

Post #: 4

RE: Trying to find the right Dom - 12/27/2013 9:32:20 AM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

Here is the best way I can put it...

You may be submissive, but that doesn't mean you are automatically to submit to every asshat that graces your inbox. If it doesn't feel right to you, DONT DO IT regardless of what some person tells you. If they told you to jump off a bridge to prove you are submissive enough, would you do it? Of course not, so why dance to their tune right now?

You are on the new users list right now. So every idiot is bound to come out of the woodwork to take a run at you. No one said you had to insta-submit to anyone just because they thump their chest and grunt about how über dominant they are. In reality, a kitten could probably out Dom them

(in reply to subbbw1966)

Post #: 5

RE: Trying to find the right Dom - 12/27/2013 9:51:35 AM

subbbw1966

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/21/2013
Status: offline

You are correct about the coffee/dinner thing in the past little while . I haven't felt comfortable yet. I have had some success in the past with meeting I should say just not lately.
I appreciate the feedback. Yes I am a newbie to this site. Not newbie to the lifestyle.

It is nice to know there is a forum like this to ask simple and sometimes dumb questions :-)

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)

Post #: 6

RE: Trying to find the right Dom - 12/27/2013 9:57:04 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

It sounds like your instincts are good, just don't throw them out of the window and you'll be fine.

(Though I have to say, if internet message boards are anything to go by, deaths in the family are worryingly common...)

I do think that by advertising for online to begin with will attract a lot of people who only ever want online. Not many women are interested in online-only, so the guys who are looking for that will come looking for the next best thing - someone who wants online to start - and then move on when you want to move into real life.

The quickest way of weeding out 99% of those who are a) only into online b) totally different than they claim to be and c) attached is to have a quick coffee date as soon as there's some mutual interest. You still don't need to submit quickly, but at least you'll know they're willing to put some effort in AND you won't get your hopes up about someone you have zero chemistry with.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to subbbw1966)

Post #: 7

RE: Trying to find the right Dom - 12/27/2013 10:01:48 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

" I felt silly talking to one for months, whether by phone or cam and then setting up that first r/t meeting and then they didn't show up."

You have been on CollarMe since 12/21/13. How could you be talking for months?

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to subbbw1966)

Post #: 8

RE: Trying to find the right Dom - 12/27/2013 10:06:12 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbbw1966
I haven't felt comfortable yet.

Would you rather spend (waste?) months of your life with someone who doesn't want to meet you ever? If so, then rock on with your bad self. Otherwise, seems to me, if he isn't good enough to shake your hand, he isn't good enough to obey, much less to get naked for.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to subbbw1966)

Post #: 9

RE: Trying to find the right Dom - 12/27/2013 11:33:02 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

If you are looking for a dominant who will not bolt at the last minute perhaps you need to start to go to munches. Munches are social events where kinky people meet, usually in a restaurant to get to know each other. Your chances of finding someone at munch are probably much greater than your chances of finding someone using online. Anyway google Ontario Canada munches and you will find a few in that area. Also a munch might be the best choice for meeting someone for the first time if you still want to use online for the initial contact. If they don't up you'll have others to talk with you.

_____________________________

We are stardust, we are golden, and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to subbbw1966)

Post #: 10

RE: Trying to find the right Dom - 12/27/2013 11:35:08 AM

subbbw1966

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/21/2013
Status: offline

I was on other sites before. Whether it be Alt or FetLife not here. Thanks for your comments Athena. The funny thing is he said he did want to meet. Oh well, I want to leave that in the past. Everything does happen for some sort of reason so maybe it is for the best.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 11

RE: Trying to find the right Dom - 12/27/2013 12:06:11 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbbw1966

I was on other sites before. Whether it be Alt or FetLife not here. Thanks for your comments Athena. The funny thing is he said he did want to meet. Oh well, I want to leave that in the past. Everything does happen for some sort of reason so maybe it is for the best.

Probably. Welcome to the forums, however you ended up here!

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to subbbw1966)

Post #: 12

RE: Trying to find the right Dom - 12/27/2013 12:14:53 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbbw1966
I went into it hoping to find someone who starts online then moves to r/t.

I think that may be part of the problem though. I found that if you kept it completely vanilla and wouldn't even discuss sex, it weeded out the guys that were looking for online wank sessions. I also made it very clear that I wouldn't play or have sex on the first meeting. In fact, it there would be no D/s or sex until I felt comfortable giving over that power. That got rid of the guys that were looking for quick kinky sex.

Yeah, I got told I wasn't submissive by a lot of guys. But, I feel I ended up with a group of quality guys, some of whom I'm still friends with.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to subbbw1966)

Post #: 13

RE: Trying to find the right Dom - 12/27/2013 1:04:49 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I went into it hoping to find someone who starts online then moves to r/t.

I don't recommend starting online because this is exactly what happens:

quote:

I felt silly talking to one for months, whether by phone or cam and then setting up that first r/t meeting and then they didn't show up.

Or you met and there is no in-person chemistry. I've spent months in long distance relationships, only to have them fall apart once we met.

I then adopted new rules - local guys only, no cyber sex before we met, and if he wasn't available to meet within two weeks of establishing rapport, to move on. This served me much better!

quote:

I am told I am not submissive because I don't obey right away.

This is an excellent screening tool - you can dump these guys with no regrets.

Best of luck,

KK

(in reply to subbbw1966)

Post #: 14

RE: Trying to find the right Dom - 12/27/2013 1:37:14 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

You have to stop thinking of the "Doms" in here as some special class of mythical beings. They're just dudes like the ones you see in traffic or at work or in the stores every day. They snore when they sleep, burp after they eat, go to work (hopefully), come home and watch sports on tv, they cuss, some of them smoke and drink. They're just dudes, and they're in here because they think there are mythical beings called subs and slaves who live in here, naked and horny, and will automagically do whatever they tell them to do because that's what subs and slaves do, not real women.

In other words, you don't have to do things you wouldn't do in your real, everyday life simply because you're on this website. Treat them like you would treat the men you meet in real life and expect the same from them. If they act rude or stupid or make inappropriate requests and you don't want to comply, don't. Move on. You'll never get respected until you hold out for it.

Starting online relationships is hard, no matter what site you're on, whether it's this one, eHarmony, or ChristianMingle. And even if you've spent years cultivating something and think you've done everything right, it can still go belly-up in your face. Get to know each other as people first and figure out a way to get comfortable meeting them in real life as soon as possible. Don't get on webcam, photos are good enough to start with, and if you go to phone, don't phone-sex. Skip the dirty talk at the beginning. If it doesn't feel right to you, move on, don't dwell on how you can MAKE it right. It is what it is, and isn't, and move on.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 15

RE: Trying to find the right Dom - 12/27/2013 6:56:40 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

What would you do if you were seeking a "vanilla" date? It's absolutely no different. Drill that into your brain.

Now if you're the impulsive type who has no self control then it might be time to stop dating for awhile and figure out why you do that and work on that problem first.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to subbbw1966)

Post #: 16

RE: Trying to find the right Dom - 12/28/2013 2:29:29 PM

subbbw1966

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/21/2013
Status: offline

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it all. I can certainly tell you that I did romanticize about Doms at first. But honestly, I know my limited experience still makes me a newbie. I hope to change that over the next few months.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 17

RE: Trying to find the right Dom - 12/28/2013 3:01:08 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbbw1966

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it all. I can certainly tell you that I did romanticize about Doms at first. But honestly, I know my limited experience still makes me a newbie. I hope to change that over the next few months.

It doesn't make you a newbie, it makes you human clay... And your potential D doesn't have to lobotomize the messed up stuff someone else did to you.

Furthermore, I understand that /s's want to be meek, mild, blah blah blah... But CM is your buffet. Don't wait for the magic letter to hit your inbox, use your filters, search, and by all means make contact. Look over the profiles, find a match, and take initiative.

Jus sayin

Exiled

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to subbbw1966)

Post #: 18

RE: Trying to find the right Dom - 12/28/2013 3:34:16 PM

subbbw1966

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/21/2013
Status: offline

Thanks Exiled. I am doing so. I do not believe that I am weak. Though most are not interested in a BBW so that does limit me. But at least I have tried :-)

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 19

RE: Trying to find the right Dom - 12/28/2013 3:38:02 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbbw1966

Thanks Exiled. I am doing so. I do not believe that I am weak. Though most are not interested in a BBW so that does limit me. But at least I have tried :-)

Well darlin, you're on the harder side of the kneel IMO, so it is very hard for me to equate weakness with any /s. Nevertheless, you're in the right place to find your happy.

Exiled

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to subbbw1966)

Post #: 20

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