Insecure sub

Insecure sub (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive

Message

Phaness -> Insecure sub (12/27/2013 12:28:46 PM)
Does anyone have any views on if a sub is insecure and has low self-esteem? Is that considered 'normal'? Is it 'workable' ? Can a 24/7 relationship survive with someone like that ?

OsideGirl -> RE: Insecure sub (12/27/2013 12:35:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Phaness Does anyone have any views on if a sub is insecure and has low self-esteem? Insecurity and self esteem comes from within, so the answers for those issues cannot be solved by a relationship quote: Is that considered 'normal'? Extreme insecurity? Normal, no. But, it's not uncommon to have some insecurity. It's all in how you deal with it. quote: Is it 'workable' ? Depends, but the sub is the one that needs to work on it. The Dominant should be supportive. quote: Can a 24/7 relationship survive with someone like that ? Maybe.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Insecure sub (12/27/2013 12:45:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Phaness Does anyone have any views on if a sub is insecure and has low self-esteem? Is that considered 'normal'? Is it 'workable' ? Can a 24/7 relationship survive with someone like that ? Can you give examples of what you're talking about?

Phaness -> RE: Insecure sub (12/27/2013 12:58:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 quote: ORIGINAL: Phaness Does anyone have any views on if a sub is insecure and has low self-esteem? Is that considered 'normal'? Is it 'workable' ? Can a 24/7 relationship survive with someone like that ? Can you give examples of what you're talking about? Being needy / clingy... Feeling worthless if something goes wrong. Having fear of abandonment.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Insecure sub (12/27/2013 1:41:38 PM)
Well... are you hot? A lot of guys will put up with anything if she looks good in a thong. People with all kinds of mental issues find partners for long-term relationships. So it isn't as though you can't find anybody. You might even find someone here. But I have to ask: mightn't it be better to be single and working on improving yourself, instead of being in a relationship and in constant fear of being abandoned?

OsideGirl -> RE: Insecure sub (12/27/2013 1:47:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 Well... are you hot? A lot of guys will put up with anything if she looks good in a thong. The OP is a male Dominant.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Insecure sub (12/27/2013 1:59:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 Well... are you hot? A lot of guys will put up with anything if she looks good in a thong. The OP is a male Dominant. Ha! Well, in that case, OP: do you love her? What are you getting out of this, and do you think it's enough? She isn't likely to wake up tomorrow and be magically cured. As a word of advice: don't try to fix something with kink that can only be fixed with therapy -- and can only be fixed by the sub. It's a bit like a drug addiction. The sub has to want to change, has to work at it, and has to have both personal and professional support.

Phaness -> RE: Insecure sub (12/27/2013 2:32:35 PM)
Yes, I do love her, and she was everything I could ever imagine I would want. She left though. I guess I was just wondering if I should or could do something or forget about her. And I was also wondering if, since she is/was a sub/slave, her mindset would be different than in a vanilla situation.

HipPoindexter -> RE: Insecure sub (12/27/2013 2:39:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Phaness And I was also wondering if, since she is/was a sub/slave, her mindset would be different than in a vanilla situation. no. being a "sub" is neither a legal status nor a personality type, not really. it's a sexual role with which some people, for various reasons, identify. people with all different kinds of personalities and abilities and tendencies identify as "submissive." without telling us a lot more about other aspects of her personality than you have any business doing (and also a lot more than i would ever want to know) just labeling her as a "submissive/slave/whatever" is not very instructive.

Phaness -> RE: Insecure sub (12/27/2013 2:52:28 PM)
The problem is I am not sure where or wich sites she visits. But she was 24/7 full service, taking care of me, asking me for permission for everything. Catering to my every need. I'm not the one labelling her, she herself and her past did/do that. In words and actions. quote: ORIGINAL: HipPoindexter quote: ORIGINAL: Phaness And I was also wondering if, since she is/was a sub/slave, her mindset would be different than in a vanilla situation. no. being a "sub" is neither a legal status nor a personality type, not really. it's a sexual role with which some people, for various reasons, identify. people with all different kinds of personalities and abilities and tendencies identify as "submissive." without telling us a lot more about other aspects of her personality than you have any business doing (and also a lot more than i would ever want to know) just labeling her as a "submissive/slave/whatever" is not very instructive.

HipPoindexter -> RE: Insecure sub (12/27/2013 2:56:55 PM)
right. this still doesn't say as much about her (beyond what she finds sexually gratifying) as you seem to think it does. there is a limit to how much i care about someone else's problems for free. but if you want advice from internet strangers then the right advice to someone who has been left behind by a partner for whatever reason is almost always "move on." quote: ORIGINAL: Phaness The problem is I am not sure where or wich sites she visits. But she was 24/7 full service, taking care of me, asking me for permission for everything. Catering to my every need. I'm not the one labelling her, she herself and her past did/do that. In words and actions. quote: ORIGINAL: HipPoindexter quote: ORIGINAL: Phaness And I was also wondering if, since she is/was a sub/slave, her mindset would be different than in a vanilla situation. no. being a "sub" is neither a legal status nor a personality type, not really. it's a sexual role with which some people, for various reasons, identify. people with all different kinds of personalities and abilities and tendencies identify as "submissive." without telling us a lot more about other aspects of her personality than you have any business doing (and also a lot more than i would ever want to know) just labeling her as a "submissive/slave/whatever" is not very instructive.

OsideGirl -> RE: Insecure sub (12/27/2013 2:58:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Phaness The problem is I am not sure where or wich sites she visits. But she was 24/7 full service, taking care of me, asking me for permission for everything. Catering to my every need. I'm not the one labelling her, she herself and her past did/do that. In words and actions. quote: ORIGINAL: HipPoindexter quote: ORIGINAL: Phaness And I was also wondering if, since she is/was a sub/slave, her mindset would be different than in a vanilla situation. no. being a "sub" is neither a legal status nor a personality type, not really. it's a sexual role with which some people, for various reasons, identify. people with all different kinds of personalities and abilities and tendencies identify as "submissive." without telling us a lot more about other aspects of her personality than you have any business doing (and also a lot more than i would ever want to know) just labeling her as a "submissive/slave/whatever" is not very instructive. Regardless, Poindexter is correct. Being submissive is a sexual orientation. It would be like asking "Can lesbians be insecure?" The answer is that neuroses aren't based on orientation. Although, some people use the orientation as a crutch for the neurosis. ie: insecurity and co-dependency tend to go hand in hand, so acting as the submissive hides those issues and gives the person a reason to not address those issues. But beyond anything else, what you need to understand is that you cannot fix her. Only she can do that.

kalikshama -> RE: Insecure sub (12/27/2013 3:05:23 PM)
quote: the right advice to someone who has been left behind by a partner for whatever reason is almost always "move on." Yes, indeed.

Phaness -> RE: Insecure sub (12/27/2013 3:08:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: Phaness The problem is I am not sure where or wich sites she visits. But she was 24/7 full service, taking care of me, asking me for permission for everything. Catering to my every need. I'm not the one labelling her, she herself and her past did/do that. In words and actions. quote: ORIGINAL: HipPoindexter quote: ORIGINAL: Phaness And I was also wondering if, since she is/was a sub/slave, her mindset would be different than in a vanilla situation. no. being a "sub" is neither a legal status nor a personality type, not really. it's a sexual role with which some people, for various reasons, identify. people with all different kinds of personalities and abilities and tendencies identify as "submissive." without telling us a lot more about other aspects of her personality than you have any business doing (and also a lot more than i would ever want to know) just labeling her as a "submissive/slave/whatever" is not very instructive. Regardless, Poindexter is correct. Being submissive is a sexual orientation. It would be like asking "Can lesbians be insecure?" The answer is that neuroses aren't based on orientation. Although, some people use the orientation as a crutch for the neurosis. ie: insecurity and co-dependency tend to go hand in hand, so acting as the submissive hides those issues and gives the person a reason to not address those issues. But beyond anything else, what you need to understand is that you cannot fix her. Only she can do that. This is actually what I was looking for. And I thank you kindly for that.

kalikshama -> RE: Insecure sub (12/27/2013 3:17:59 PM)
Phaness - I had already met my man when I found this book, but I was able to review past relationships and see how they were doomed. I am now with a Secure type and can be my normal Secure self. However, when I was with Avoidant types, I became Insecure. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love We rely on science to tell us everything from what to eat to when and how long to exercise, but what about relationships? Is there a scientific explanation for why some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly, while others struggle? According to psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, the answer is a resounding "yes." In Attached, Levine and Heller reveal how an understanding of adult attachment-the most advanced relationship science in existence today-can help us find and sustain love. Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways: Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. In this book Levine and Heller guide readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mate) follow, offering a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love.

ResidentSadist -> RE: Insecure sub (12/27/2013 4:12:08 PM)
"workable" if you can eventually install a new system of self image i. e. she sees herself through your eyes and sets her self worth based on your value of her.

HipPoindexter -> RE: Insecure sub (12/27/2013 4:17:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist "workable" if you can eventually install a new system of self image i. e. she sees herself through your eyes and sets her self worth based on your value of her. that sounds like so much work!

Phaness -> RE: Insecure sub (12/27/2013 4:48:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kalikshama Phaness - I had already met my man when I found this book, but I was able to review past relationships and see how they were doomed. I am now with a Secure type and can be my normal Secure self. However, when I was with Avoidant types, I became Insecure. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love We rely on science to tell us everything from what to eat to when and how long to exercise, but what about relationships? Is there a scientific explanation for why some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly, while others struggle? According to psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, the answer is a resounding "yes." In Attached, Levine and Heller reveal how an understanding of adult attachment-the most advanced relationship science in existence today-can help us find and sustain love. Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways: Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. In this book Levine and Heller guide readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mate) follow, offering a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love. Hi, Thank you for pointing out the book. I already knew about it and read articles on it. This wasn't us though. She knew I was secure. She was already insecure before we even met or started talking relationship. A 1000 'what if' questions I had to answer before we ended up together. I already knew of many occassions where she felt worthless because something didn't go as planned (even before we met). She managed to start feeling unwanted and unloved by sheer incidents. Silly incidents that I can't give examples of, again because I don't know wich sites she visits. Me being a Dominant and actually wanting and liking that, and it resembling a D/s relationship only became apparent after she left. But I knew her history regarding BDSM. Her kneeling before me on the floor with a straight back, or asking permission for everything she wanted to do are just the more apparent examples. I guess what I truly wanted to know is if she could be attracted to that just to not deal with her issues. And if there are 'normal' subs, since now I finally know what I want and what was lacking in my relationships.

ResidentSadist -> RE: Insecure sub (12/27/2013 4:54:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HipPoindexter quote: ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist "workable" if you can eventually install a new system of self image i. e. she sees herself through your eyes and sets her self worth based on your value of her. that sounds like so much work! When my slave(s) say something self judgmental, they get reamed for it . . . "It is not your job to judge, that's my job. Do you want my job? Do you feel I do not perform my duties properly and think you have to take over? You are as good as I say you are and you are as valuable as I deem you to be! No more, no less. Now say it, you are a __<insert your value here>___ slave." Anyway, that's a good start and there's more. Correct their thinking, make them act out the corrections saying it, with education and perspective adjustment, they will eventually learn until they experience a paradigm shift and truly think differently. They will begin to self correct and eventual alter their way of thinking. It's not as simple as the one routine explained above but that is a good start.

LeatherBentOne51 -> RE: Insecure sub (12/27/2013 5:51:14 PM)
OP stick around. OSideGirl has a wonderful habit of doing that.

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

4.296875E-02