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When To Try Something New - 12/28/2013 9:31:25 AM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		I have been on a snarky rampage for a couple days but, have a question that needs some serious input.... For those who do not know me..I am VERY cautious by nature. I don't just dip my toes in to decide whether to jump or not..I do a whole analysis of entry points, wave conditions, high tide/low tide charts...

There are many things/fantasies that I have begun to consider trying..things a year ago that I would have put as NO WAY, NO HOW, DON't NEED TO EVER TRY!!! It has been a progressive thing..hear & read others experiences, think about WHY I would not do them, come up with "best case scenarios/worst case..." Most of these things are pretty standard..nothing edgy (Kana and RS would probably yawn!!) I recently started casually dating & talking to a man who has about 20 yrs experience. He has mentioned having done some of the things that I now have as "maybe".

My biggest concern now is not DOING these things but how I would feel about myself after. I have previously "pushed forward" because I have a mentality of the more involved WITH somebody I am, the less limits I have and the less I care...

No one can tell me WHEN it is right for me but I am curious what others have done it..known the time is right to shake it up & throw caution to the wind, and how it worked out. I am not talking about being coerced or guilted...
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RE: When To Try Something New - 12/28/2013 9:37:22 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

My biggest concern now is not DOING these things but how I would feel about myself after.


Unless these are things that may go against your moral code, I don't see why/how you would get after the fact regrets. Maybe I'm missing something?

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
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RE: When To Try Something New - 12/28/2013 9:40:52 AM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		I guess my "moral code" is evolving... I am a former "good girl"... Believer of monogamy, M/F marriage for life, liking to give or receive pain is "sick", mouths are for food, only one position for sex... I would say getting to the age of 40 was my "change"

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RE: When To Try Something New - 12/28/2013 9:41:01 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I am curious what others have done it..known the time is right to shake it up & throw caution to the wind, and how it worked out. I am not talking about being coerced or guilted...


Some things worked out better than others, but I have no regrets, and right now, am not able to think of something that I would have done differently, except for stand up against coercion sooner, but you've excepted that, so disregard :)

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RE: When To Try Something New - 12/28/2013 9:51:18 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I guess my "moral code" is evolving... I am a former "good girl"... Believer of monogamy, M/F marriage for life, liking to give or receive pain is "sick", mouths are for food, only one position for sex... I would say getting to the age of 40 was my "change"


As I don't have good/bad or wholesome/shameful conflicts, I can't really help you with this. My question is more "Did I like it?" and there's no guilt associated with the answer.

You know intellectually that there is nothing shameful about sucking cock. I wish I had the words to help you internalize this.

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RE: When To Try Something New - 12/28/2013 9:56:25 AM   
EventideFortuna


Posts: 31
Joined: 10/8/2013
Status: offline 		Im a fair bit younger but had the same views, it wasnt until I joined my local community that It started to change, and now its changed even more. I take the, Try it with someone I trust, and go from there camp, if i love it I continue it, If i hate it i dont do it again. If it messes with my head i talk it over with the person i played with or a shrink and move on.

I guess my biggest help is, when i die be it tomorrow or 90 years from now, will i have regrets?

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: When To Try Something New - 12/28/2013 10:10:48 AM   
FelineRanger


Posts: 658
Joined: 9/4/2012
Status: offline 		Call this one more vote for the attitude that says, "What the hell, I'll try anything once." Whatever it is, only you can decide if you enjoyed it. It's probably superfluous to say this, but the only thing you really need to do is let your master know about any concerns.

_____________________________

Bill

(in reply to EventideFortuna)
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RE: When To Try Something New - 12/28/2013 10:28:29 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss
mouths are for food, only one position for sex

That's really something. Part of the deal behind lifelong monogamy is "I'll satisfy you in every way possible so you have no need to look elsewhere." Or, in other words, the marriage bed is undefiled, it's a sin-free zone, go for it.

Just as a practical matter, how can a woman expect to keep a man if she never blows him, never rims him, and never lets him hit it from the back? The threat of taking half his stuff?

That's a serious question.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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RE: When To Try Something New - 12/28/2013 10:33:46 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
You know intellectually that there is nothing shameful about sucking cock. I wish I had the words to help you internalize this.

Well I do. And here they are.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? Have you ever looked at a poll for what the word "sex" means? Women under the age of 30 don't even consider oral sex to be sex. How many great guys do you want to meet who start doing mental math like, "She's awesome, but if I dated a younger woman I'd get better head." It's a bit like being homophobic. Sure, there are still people who don't want gays to marry, but, increasingly, society thinks they are kind of ridiculous.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: When To Try Something New - 12/28/2013 11:25:12 AM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		Oh I am no longer like that!!! That thought process went out the window in my 20s...the more BDSM type stuff went out the window in my 30s!! I am actually now more thinking in the MFM range.

. I had always said no multiples but it has started to intrigue me. The guy I am dating mentioned (as have a couple of others I have met) that it is extremely erotic to have a sub orally service another man at their command/request.... Am wondering if it would BE as hot as it is starting to sound!!!

ADDED-- you have to remember that 1) I grew up in a traditional immigrant Catholic family, went to Catholic school and was very much the "pleaser" so I never rebelled. 2. I became a teenager when HIV was first entering the heterosexual world and there was a lot of fear about what transmitted it...

Sometimes I don't think that people who grew up as "baby boomers" and became sexually active after the pill (to prevent pregnancy) and antibiotics (to kill most diseases known then) were invented (sexually active initially in 70s) and then those who came of age when Bill "I did not have sex (because blowjobs are NOT sex) " Clinton was on every TV screen ( in the 90s) understand what those of us who were Tweens & teens in the 80s were scared of!

Those of u

< Message edited by TieMeInKnottss -- 12/28/2013 11:32:31 AM >

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RE: When To Try Something New - 12/28/2013 11:26:04 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

I guess my "moral code" is evolving... I am a former "good girl"... Believer of monogamy, M/F marriage for life, liking to give or receive pain is "sick", mouths are for food, only one position for sex... I would say getting to the age of 40 was my "change"



Mom??? Is that you???

Just kidding. But she did say a lot of those very kinds of things, "I'm not putting that filthy thing in my mouth!" lol

For the record, there's still nothing wrong with monogamy and M/F marriage for life (though same sex is okay, too, don't do a Robertson on me!). They are still acceptable choices for the way you life your life, as long as no one's being judgemental about anyone else's choices.

Since you've just started dating him, and you say he's only MENTIONED having done things that are your "maybe's", are they things he's planning on doing again, or does he have an "I can take them or leave them" attitude about them? In other words, are they his "must have's" or just "been there done those"? Maybe you're worrying about being expected to do things that he's not planning on doing anytime soon anyway?

The best way is to tell him what you told us, that this is new for you and you're open to learning, but you might need to take it really slow. If he cares about you, then he'll be patient and might even enjoy teaching you and showing you new things. But if he's only all about himself and his wants and needs and kicks you to the curb because you don't meet them, well, sitting on the curb with your self-respect isn't a bad place to be sitting

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
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RE: When To Try Something New - 12/28/2013 11:41:16 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I think the key here is that you said your big concern is how you would feel afterwards.

I still believe in monogamy because I do everything possible within a relationship except multiples. I don't share and will not be shared and being a sub never will change that.

You have to ask yourself if you would change your maybes if this was vanilla.

You have to decide if you trust a partner enough to try this out.

You have to decide if this is what YOU want vs. trying to please some new guy.

For me, I respect people into poly and multiples, but would not engage with them.

P.S. I did try multiples earlier in my life and found it exactly as I expected, boring, not at the same level of intensity and intimacy that I achieve with one person I care about.

(in reply to windchymes)
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RE: When To Try Something New - 12/28/2013 12:35:36 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		I was 14 years old before I found out my mom didn't like broccoli. She never wanted to bias me against it. I was lucky, raised to have an open mind and try something first, then decide if I want to do it again. I don't over think it, study it, worry about it or analyze it in advance. I don't care what other people might think about me for doing it. But my self image comes from finishing things I started, not what my parents, the church or society thinks about what I am doing. What few morals I have are thin and flexible.

If you have inflexible morals, they may be a stumbling block in regards to your self image. Especially if you think you are a good person and if you think badly of the things you want to try. I've held de Sade's words in my heart and as part of my core since I was 13 years old and first read them . . . "morals only serve to define your geographic location". The example that came to my mind was how bank robbers and cowboy outlaws are revered iconic symbols of American freedom . . . in the Middle East, thieves and robbers are the lowest criminal scum and they cut off your hand to mark you as one. I stopped trying to be a good person at age 13 and focused on being good at what I did instead.

I don't know if all that I said helps put what you already know into other words and perspectives. But, whatever path you choose, wild or mild, if you are enjoying the journey, it doesn't matter where you are going. So you see, the path choice is not as important as just taking the journey, whichever one it is.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

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RE: When To Try Something New - 12/28/2013 12:46:53 PM   
Blonderfluff


Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline 		I can relate to your post very well. I can't speak for how you may feel "afterwards". I can only let you know that every time I've been with someone that stretched my experiences, and "pushed my limits" it's always been great. I've felt inordinately proud of myself !!

That being said, it was always with someone that I soooo trusted. Admired. Respected. They made me desire more. And in the desiring, I became braver. Stronger. Much more...me.


Edited to respond to OP.

< Message edited by Blonderfluff -- 12/28/2013 12:47:10 PM >

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.



I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

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RE: When To Try Something New - 12/28/2013 1:02:08 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I am actually now more thinking in the MFM range.

. I had always said no multiples but it has started to intrigue me. The guy I am dating mentioned (as have a couple of others I have met) that it is extremely erotic to have a sub orally service another man at their command/request.... Am wondering if it would BE as hot as it is starting to sound!!!


I've been having threesomes since I was a teenager and the ones with some BDSM flavor have been the hottest. I can take them or leave them, however.

These are good questions:

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

Since you've just started dating him, and you say he's only MENTIONED having done things that are your "maybe's", are they things he's planning on doing again, or does he have an "I can take them or leave them" attitude about them? In other words, are they his "must have's" or just "been there done those"? Maybe you're worrying about being expected to do things that he's not planning on doing anytime soon anyway?

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
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RE: When To Try Something New - 12/28/2013 1:02:41 PM   
Pyramus


Posts: 397
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline 		I like the term "former good girl".... :)

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RE: When To Try Something New - 12/28/2013 7:44:59 PM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes
Since you've just started dating him, and you say he's only MENTIONED having done things that are your "maybe's", are they things he's planning on doing again, or does he have an "I can take them or leave them" attitude about them? In other words, are they his "must have's" or just "been there done those"? Maybe you're worrying about being expected to do things that he's not planning on doing anytime soon anyway

The best way is to tell him what you told us, that this is new for you and you're open to learning, but you might need to take it really slow. If he cares about you, then he'll be patient and might even enjoy teaching you and showing you new things. But if he's only all about himself and his wants and needs and kicks you to the curb because you don't meet them, well, sitting on the curb with your self-respect isn't a bad place to be sitting


Oh! I am not "worried"... I became intrigued by the concept when a friend of mine was trying to explain why it was the only thing he could never give up... I started trying to understand the attraction..began asking questions about WHAT made it so erotic and exciting..Once I got his take, I started reading other stuff, then trying to reconcile to what my reaction was and why... This is my normal thinking process... I do this on EVERYTHING across the board! When he and I started dating, we didn't really get into specifics of our "histories" beyond both being divorced... We got into a more specific conversation and he mentioned having done and liking it..

This really does not have anything to do WITH him and I am not concerned about whether it would be a breaking point...cross that bridge when I get there. This is more about me trying to decide if I. Could handle it, if I have thought every side through, if It would be better with someone I care about or with someone in a more casual thing... One thought that always comes to mind is...how do couples get along after. Does it change how you look at each other ?

My big concern since crossing the 4-0 threshold has been whether I have missed a lot of fun in life because I have always been so cautious.. I have never been a risk taker and now I am more conscious of WHY I don't do things.

(in reply to windchymes)
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RE: When To Try Something New - 12/29/2013 4:57:31 AM   
orgasmdenial12


Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline 		It's a good question.

I have limits where I know I could easily do the thing (I'm quite brave) but what stops me is how I would feel about myself afterwards - would I respect myself? Would I be the kind of person that I admire? And if the answer is no, then that forms its own limit, regardless of the actual difficulty or otherwise of the act.

It's difficult for me because I naturally respect and admire and want to emulate quite dominant behaviour, because that's what I'm attracted to in others. Sometimes, being a submissive means actually acting in the opposite way to what I like in others, so there's a natural and, for me it feels inevitable, kind of conflict.

The only thing that utterly overrules this conflict is my desire. As soon as I feel hot about an idea, any conflict I have about it vanishes into the distance and I have no regret about it afterwards. I guess I see the satisfaction of my sexual desires as a very empowered and feminist thing to do, even where those desires may be humiliating, disgusting or degrading. The element of freedom of choice and satisfaction of my own drives outweighs any shame or self-hate that I might feel if I had allowed myself to be coerced into the act without actively wanting to do it.

I'm a no but yes kind of a person. I instinctively say no but then, sometimes an idea works on me and gets its little roots into my fantasies and masturbatory habits, and once that happens, I know that the option is there for me to explore it in a consciously excited, aroused and curious way. So when is it time to try something new? When the thought of it, or elements of it, excite you then, imo, it's time to try something new.

od xxx


(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
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RE: When To Try Something New - 1/1/2014 7:30:30 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I've never felt obligated to do something when the idea is offensive or upsetting. He's mentioned things that I hadn't thought about and then I take my time thinking them through. At which point I bring the conversation up and tell him where the sticking point is and we talk about that, or he alters it slightly to avoid the one part of it I can't accept.

Which is also how we deal with stuff we try that doesn't go well. It gets dropped for six months until I can hopefully figure out what the problem was. It took multiple tries to finally figure out that why I panic when tied to a pole is because he tied my head to it. Leave my head loose and no panic attacks.

So if your problem with multiple partners is stds then talk to him about that and ask how he protects himself and them. If he's too cavalier about it for you, then make your own decision if or how you'll do this or decide he isn't the right one.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: When To Try Something New - 1/1/2014 1:34:41 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

My biggest concern now is not DOING these things but how I would feel about myself after. I have previously "pushed forward" because I have a mentality of the more involved WITH somebody I am, the less limits I have and the less I care...


My opinion?
Worry less about the act and focus more on the dynamic.
If the dynamic is right, then you'll find yourself opening to some of those things.But when you do, keep an open mind,and open communication, talk about it before,after and, if possible, while doing.

But don't betray yourself in doing so.
That's always my line there.
Talk, try things,be open to enjoying (Or not),find out what works for you in this interaction.
Because, trust me here, each one creates it's own rules and own kinks.
You'll be doing this in some form or the other for the rest of your life
(As will he I might add)

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to DesFIP)
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