Showing emotion.... (Full Version)

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sleazybutterfly -> Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 3:01:08 PM)

It's with all due respect that I ask this question. 
 
I will refer in my question to Doms..but it is for Doms/Masters/Daddies..I just don't want to have to type that out a million times in the next 20 minutes.
 
I am not really sure how to ask this.. I want to make sense..but my thoughts are a bit jumbled this evening.. so please bare with me.
 
If you have a sub/slave do you have trouble showing your feelings for them?  I know that Doms are supposed to have this tough streak..this macho thing.. something like that to live up to..whether they think so or not.. I am sure the pressure is put on them for it. ( maybe I am totally wrong..just my thoughts..so don't be offended)..actually.. I do take that back.. it is probably put on men in general...not just in the "life" or whatever.

Do you fall if love with your sub/slave.. do you gain feelings for them?  Do you think of them as just a "thing" or an object? 
 
Just assuming you do love her...Is it a sign of weakness to show your feelings..to say I love you... to hold her..to let her know how much she means? 
 
Does any of that make sense?  Do you keep that emotion away...even if she doesn't deserve to be punished..and you know it hurts her?  To feel you pull away.. or to not feel that coming from you anymore.
 
I know..that is all jumbled.. I am sorry.. please forgive me..If you can make sense of it.. please feel free to answer. 
 
                I ask all of the above... Respectfully, andrea



Level -> RE: Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 4:13:24 PM)

I wouldn't be with someone I didn't have some feelings for. I'm an emotional man, and though I believe in controlling those emotions, that doesn't mean trying to do away with them.
 
I don't have any desire to punish someone with me. If they need correction, that's another matter, and I don't think emotions would, or should, get in the way of that.



sleazybutterfly -> RE: Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 4:24:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level


I don't have any desire to punish someone with me. If they need correction, that's another matter, and I don't think emotions would, or should, get in the way of that.


If you feel you have to make yourself harder.. or make your emotions fade for something you are going to face...do you think that comes back to reflect..and is taken out on your sub/slave? 
 
Maybe what I am trying to say is... if you are angry.. sad..pissed...any emotion....do you bring that into your relationship..and take it out on your sub/slave?  I don't mean in a physical way.. more a cutting off of emotions or something along that line.
 
                                                      ~andrea

edited to say.. maybe you answered that in the above.. I am sorry, Level.. ugh.. I hate when I get jumbled thoughts.



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 4:59:30 PM)

I am just a novice sub..but have been on CM for a wee bit..and from what I have observed..there are some Dominants who prefer to remain emotionless when it comes to their sub/slaves..But have actually I have noted that there is proportionately more who do love/care for their mates..but even in the loving and caring, for the most part ,they do not seem to have any diificulty in keeping their emotions under control especially when they are reigning in undesireable behavior..just my observations...be well..Tempting



Caretakr -> RE: Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 5:03:12 PM)

I'm myself around other people, I don't put on acts.

I also don't feel any need to act macho-phhhttttt!!!!!!!

By the way, did you know that "macha" means "goat" in spanish?[;)]



Level -> RE: Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 5:09:12 PM)

Nothing to be sorry for, andrea, the best way to unjumble thoughts is to talk them out.
 
I don't think holding emotions in is good for anyone. The key is how you let those emotions out. Negative emotions should not be taken out on the submissive; this is one place control comes in. Of course, dominants are human beings, so things happen --I don't mean abuse, there never is an excuse for that.



babysburnin -> RE: Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 5:13:36 PM)

Andrea,

You are confusing so many things...all myths.  The best men I've ever known had genuine feelings...were/are strong and confident enough not to silence there "feelings".  My suggestion... get your head out of "what is expected by male and female", and just see people - yourself included.   



feastie -> RE: Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 5:45:55 PM)

Andrea,

There is a huge fallacy that dominant men and women should not love their submissive or slave.  While that works in certain situations, (service only slaves, etc.), it's definitely not the case or true for everyone.  For many people, myself included, the relationship between a dominant and submissive is one of mutual loving and caring.  It starts there. 

A lot of people, however, D/s or not, have trouble communicating their emotions, especially the "L" word.  I guess it's kind of scary, and it is.  But I think, if you're feeling it, be honest to yourself about it first, then tell the person and take joy in it.  It's a wondrous thing.



Kree -> RE: Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 5:54:39 PM)

My best answer to your question is that I am just me...all the time.  I show my partner the respect, the caring and the love that she deserves as my partner.  If I felt a need to "toughen up" to show off for others, I would be losing who I am.  If I had a need to withdraw affection from my partner for the benefit of some macho bullshit club, I would resign from that club and avoid those who belonged to it.  In some ways, your question reminds me of things I have seen in online chatrooms where "dominants" try to show out for the benefit of submissives that are dumb enough to be impressed by someone that puts on his dominant's disguise to impress.  Those who have to put on their dominant's cape are not capable of maintaining the display for long, and it shows.
Frankly, I do not set out to impress people with a display of any sort.  As long as I know who I am and what I am, I am quite content to let the actors in this lifestyle wander across whatever stages they feel they need to and play whatever role they have chosen for that day.  It is often good for a laugh.   



firstsub -> RE: Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 7:29:47 PM)

What a great thread this has been.....recently Master has brought His baby girl over to play with us.  i was very upset to see how different she was treated by Master.  Master has a very strict, controling and dynamic personality with this fuck pig.  With His baby girl Master's personality was more friendly and light hearted.  Still Master was the same with me in front of baby girl as He always is.
Master treated us differently but we are His for different purposes.  This is something i am now trying to get used to.
Master's fuck pig 



sleazybutterfly -> RE: Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 8:49:21 PM)

Let me see if I can explain myself better without being disrespectful.  Forgive me if I am.. I don't mean to be.
 
I am not meaning to lump anyone together.. or say that they should be a certain way.  I am just trying to understand my situation a bit more..and maybe why things are being handled in this way.  I know that there is not one perfect way for everyone to deal with things..but..I am not sure how to handle what is happening. 
 
My Sir is going thru a hard time right now..and I understand that.  During this time, I want to be the best I can for him..in every way.  In order for me to do that, I am told not to expect affection.. a lot of contact.. things of that nature.  For me, those things are important..the love..the compassion..the sound of his voice even.  I know they are to him also..yet at this time.. he must make himself more "cold" or "closed off" in order to be and do what he needs to. 
 
I am not sure how I can best support him.. or what to say..or not say.  I know I shouldn't say that I miss him.. or ask him that question..and I shouldn't expect "I love you's"..and probably shouldn't put those out there either.  He told me of this in advance..so it's not meant as something to just be mean.. it is his way of coping..and I understand that. 
 
It seems that most people think the Dom should always be strong.. always be there for the sub/slave..but I think it can be the other way at times..that a Dom needs his sub/slave to be strong for him.  That means she might have to put up with a little more.. or even pull back from him some..to give him the room that he needs. 
 
Is there anything else I can do to help?  Is it better for me to just back off..and give him time?  Am I being too needy.. or emotional?  I want to be strong..and be what he requires of me.. yet.. I am not sure exactly what that is...
 
Once again, I am not sure I am making sense.. I am trying..but writing it out does help some... at least it gets it in words so maybe I can figure my own codes out..lol.. sad I know.
 
Hopefully I got my questions out though.. not sure if I asked them in the right way or not...but I tried.
 
What I don't want.. is my need of closeness, or of hearing words from him..to get in the way of him doing what he needs to..and I need to handle this all in the best way possible for us both.
 
My brain is a mess with thoughts.. so again.. forgive the babbling a bit.
 
                   Respectfully, andrea
 
 



akisha -> RE: Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 8:59:00 PM)

Holding back emotions is not just a Dominant trait. i hide my emotions probably more often then not. It takes alot for me to let my walls down. I'll submit, i'll play, i'll laff but rarely do i admit to loving someone for a long time, even if i do love them. I'll let them know i care but to say the words i love you is not something that comes easily or often from my lips. except with my mini me *S*

I'm not saying it's a good thing, i'm just saying it;s not only a male thing or a dominant thing to do.

[:o]



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 9:06:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sleazybutterfly

It's wIf you have a sub/slave do you have trouble showing your feelings for them?  I know that Doms are supposed to have this tough streak..this macho thing.. something like that to live up to..whether they think so or not.. I am sure the pressure is put on them for it. ( maybe I am totally wrong..just my thoughts..so don't be offended)..actually.. I do take that back.. it is probably put on men in general...not just in the "life" or whatever.

Most people have difficulty expressing their emotions openly and honestly.

Yes, many doms have a lot of trouble opening up and being emotionally vulnerable and DO use their place as the authority figure as a way to avoid dealing with emotional issues.



Emperor1956 -> RE: Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 9:49:13 PM)

sleazybutterfly, I do not think you are being disrespectful, I think you are in denial and you are being naive. 

I am not exactly sure what is going on in your relationship; you keep hiding the ball, alluding to "things that Master must do" and saying He is having a hard time with no specifics.  But you keep asking "If you have a sub/slave do you have trouble showing your feelings for them? "  Inherent in your plaintive question is an assumption that there ARE feelings on His part, and that those feelings are positive (affection, care...dare I say it -- love). 

Miss, maybe those feelings don't exist for Him.  Maybe they did once, but it surely seems they do not, now.  People in a loving relationship, even a D/s relationship, don't say to the other (as your Master has to you) "In order for me to do [unspecified things that you claim He must do], I am told not to expect affection.. a lot of contact.. things of that nature. " Indeed, someone seeking to cut off affection might well tell a submissive that so as to make His role in ending the relationship much easier on him.

FWIW, no, I do not hide my emotions.  Nor do I wallow in them.  But my girl knows I love her, and I know she loves Me.  And we reinforce that every time we interact.

I am sorry if this hurts miss.  But the pablum you are being spoon-fed makes nicey nicey; it doesn't make for truth, and ultimately truth heals even as it may hurt.

E.





Emperor1956 -> RE: Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 9:50:41 PM)

LA, do you have any support for these two statements?

quote:

  Most people have difficulty expressing their emotions openly and honestly.

Yes, many doms have a lot of trouble opening up and being emotionally vulnerable and DO use their place as the authority figure as a way to avoid dealing with emotional issues.



I do not see either of them as true, indeed they strike me as vapid unsupported generalizations.

E.



CrappyDom -> RE: Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 9:55:53 PM)

I am not even sure what to say.  Have you READ these boards? 

I posted a rather deep and vulnerable post and one guy dared say anything in it and it was mainly something to make himself look good.

I think most male dominants are LESS in touch with their feelings than your average vanilla joe.



ownedgirlie -> RE: Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 10:03:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

I think most male dominants are LESS in touch with their feelings than your average vanilla joe.

Really?  Why do you think that is the case?  Master is mostly rather stoic but he does express joy, amusement, lust and anger (god I hate that anger bit).  And yep, every once in awhile...mmmm...the love, baby, the love!  [:)]

But I'm curious why you think what you do.  Do you think they feel the need to portray a certain demeanor? 



Emperor1956 -> RE: Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 10:09:14 PM)

I would never take the CM boards as a basis for ANYTHING dealing with real life emotions, CD.  I assumedthe OP meant real life, and that LA was talking about real life.  And that's what I was asking about.

As for your "deep and vulnerable post" I regret that I probably didn't see it.  One thing that troubles Me a great deal about these boards is that people get wrapped up in their own stuff, and rarely do I see a thoughtful post recognized.  I will try to say something nice to a writer when I see them develop real emotion or reveal something of themselves,  but I am surely fallible.

I've developed a fairly thick skin, and when something I say is blown off here, I shrug it off.  But others who I know well on here are often hurt when they post something caring and thoughtful, and the CM mill grinds it up and spits it aside with nary a thought.

E.



mstrj69 -> RE: Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 10:20:51 PM)

For myself, it depends on if she wants me to simply train her for a given time frame or does she want a long term relationship.  If the former, there is no reason to become emotional and fall in love with her.  Respect her as whom or what she is, yes always.  If the latter, definitely I would not have any problem saying I love you and I have.

Can there come a time when there is too much going on negatively and I want to keep that away from her, yes and unfortunately it also means I eliminate the verbal comments that I love her but it does not stop my holding her or kissing her.  If I start to let one emotion out, I am afraid the other will also come out so I keep them both inside until I have worked through the negative and gotten it out of me.  If I stop saying I love you once I have, it is normally to protect her from the negative that is also flowing through me.



sleazybutterfly -> RE: Showing emotion.... (7/4/2006 10:24:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956

sleazybutterfly, I do not think you are being disrespectful, I think you are in denial and you are being naive. 

I am not exactly sure what is going on in your relationship; you keep hiding the ball, alluding to "things that Master must do" and saying He is having a hard time with no specifics.  But you keep asking "If you have a sub/slave do you have trouble showing your feelings for them? "  Inherent in your plaintive question is an assumption that there ARE feelings on His part, and that those feelings are positive (affection, care...dare I say it -- love). 

Miss, maybe those feelings don't exist for Him.  Maybe they did once, but it surely seems they do not, now.  People in a loving relationship, even a D/s relationship, don't say to the other (as your Master has to you) "In order for me to do [unspecified things that you claim He must do], I am told not to expect affection.. a lot of contact.. things of that nature. " Indeed, someone seeking to cut off affection might well tell a submissive that so as to make His role in ending the relationship much easier on him.

FWIW, no, I do not hide my emotions.  Nor do I wallow in them.  But my girl knows I love her, and I know she loves Me.  And we reinforce that every time we interact.

I am sorry if this hurts miss.  But the pablum you are being spoon-fed makes nicey nicey; it doesn't make for truth, and ultimately truth heals even as it may hurt.

E.





Yes, just for the record, I do mean "real life".
 
I know it seems like I am hiding something but I am not.  Let me just say..this has to do with an unmentionable.  I think you all know what I am talking about. 
 
I am not being let down in a "gentle way" or anything of the nature. 
 
He explained to me..that when he was younger..he would shut himself off..and not care..not show emotion..things of that nature in order to survive..and maybe even not get hurt (the last are my words..not his). 
 
What I am wondering is..is this common among Doms (maybe among men in general..I don't know)?  If it is..how do I handle it the best way?  Like I stated above..am I better for him by just backing off..and becoming almost "cold" myself?  Or is it ok to still let him know how I feel..or does that only annoy the situation and make it worse?
 
I hate when I feel I can't quite get across what I am wanting to say....that is no ones fault.. it's just in my explaining it.  What I write can make perfect sense to me..but I have to remember that I know all of the details..and you all don't.   Please forgive me if I am still not clear on what I am asking.
 
                                        Respectfully, andrea




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