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njlauren -> RE: Help with changing interests in F/m marriage (1/18/2014 9:28:30 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Expecting your spouse to be fine with no sex for a short term illness, or during hospitalization or immediate grief is one thing. Expecting them to be happy at 28 being told he's never having sex again for the rest of his life is unrealistic. Unmet needs will eventually destroy relationships.
I would think that this is especially important to fix now that they have a baby. Because babies are stressful by themselves. Add unhappiness and resentment and she will be a single parent in a couple of years. Is that what she wants? Or would she prefer a two parent home where the parents are happy and loving?
I agree with you, that unless the husband doesn't want sex, or at least doesn't want vaginal sex, this could be a problem in the long run. One of the problems I have seen over the years with D/s, F/m, etc relationships is this idea that somehow it HAS to come with sexual denial, it HAS to come with the dominant sleeping with others, etc, etc.....the word HAS to me only is valid with safety issues, and with consent, the rest is up to the couple. I also have seen cases as I mentioned in my last post where the D was using their control to avoid things because of trauma in their life (and also spoke to my therapist about it, who had more than a few BD/SM folks as clients, as well as being lifestyle herself), and that concerns me as well, because it could lead to an imbalance.
I have dealt with situations with no sex, not just when our S was young, but in large part because my spouse was sexually abused as a teenager for a number of years by her F, and it not only led to problems with our sex life for a lot of the years we were together, when the shit hits the fan and the person who was abused starts working through the trauma, for the partner, well, let's just say it is the equivalent of walking across the Sahara Desert and expecting to be able to take unlimited showers.....:).
In the end it all depends on what the people want, consensuality isn't just to me saying yes, it is meaning it, too, where what they consent to is what they really want. It is very easy for a sub, for example, to say yes to something feeling like it is their 'duty' to accept the condition (like no sex) because after all that is what subs are supposed to do, there are dominants who because they want to feel like they are 'authentic' who feel even if their natural state is to be monagamous, that somehow they 'have to' have sex with others......my take on D/s is that both people need to work through what they need, that kind of like a house it is never really finished, that people grow and change, and their idea of what they need changes, too, it is why I really like the idea of people in D/s relationships who have built into it 'forced review' times, rather than saying "we can talk about issues as they occur". Having it as a recurring, scheduled thing kind of forces them to think about things and bring things up they otherwise might bury IME.
Again, if the OP simply isn't interested in vaginal sex and the H is okay with being denied, it could work, but to be honest based on what I have seen, unlike in stories I think most men faced with that kind of situation will eventually balk, that the glow of 'serving' and 'being denied because the M wants it' will tail off over time, and what may replace it is hidden resentment and such and that is when things go south, as DES said. If the OP is denying vaginal sex because of some sort of issue that makes her want to avoid it, that can be a major train wreck down the road.
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