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sheisreeds -> RE: Your kink or your relationship (1/7/2014 2:58:25 PM)
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There have been times we needed to not be kinky, we could not act on all of our terrible thoughts, for the most part to anyone else we would have looked like any other relationship. However, if he were to come to me and say I can never be that to you again, it has to be vanilla sex, and I'm gonna stop calling you names, and messing with you all the time, the relationship would essentially be over. Since he would no longer be the man I fell in love with, and have spent the past 5 years of my life with. Though I ain't too worried about it's about as likely as me waking up tomorrow next to a zebra.
I don't expect that when we're in our eighties will be beating the crap out of one another, but I expect his last words to me to be something along the lines of , "I love you, you dumb cunt." We imagine our seventies being smackin' each other's hands and saying mean things to one another in our side by side rockers and being crazy cat people.
I have had BDSM fizzle out of relationships before, and the relationships died. It wasn't like at that moment it was over, but I disengaged, even from myself. After that ended up being a key factor in my divorce, I re-evaluated and changed the priority of kink in my relationships.
BDSM/kink whatever the hell ya want to call it can fall into all different levels of who we are as people and/or our sexualities. It can be window dressing, it can be central air, it can be the foundation. I don't give 2 shits about curtains, the cats just rip them up. I don't care about central air, my central air conditioner has been broke for like 5 years. Without a solid foundation, soon there wouldn't be no house.
I am one of those chicks where BDSM is a part of the foundation of who I am as a person AND how I express my sexuality. It HAS to be a part of the foundation of a healthy intimate relationship, if I am going to be healthy in that relationship. I've learned the hard way what happens when I do not respect the role BDSM plays in who I am as a person, and I don't give it the proper respect in regards to my relationships. I can't be with a partner for whom BDSM is fun once and awhile, or they really like it, but are ok without it. My experience is that those partners do not get me, and a critical piece of me is not critical to them. And even when they did engage it, what they got out of it was not the same, what it meant was not the same.
With my marriage my ex did not understand the divorce and was pushing to reconcile until I told him that I felt there were darker parts of my self and my past that I needed to deal with and to honor, and that I felt he did not want to be a part of that, understood them or wanted to. To which he totally agreed and within a week were signing a finalized separation agreement. While tying each other up, and wrestling around and all the other stuff was fun to him. It was an integral part of me, that he didn't share. BDSM is fucking spiritual to me, it isn't just "fun".
That being said, plenty of other stuff is negotiable. My partner had it up to here with public dungeons, we took over a year off, and now there is only one monthly event we will even consider attending. Honestly it bothered me more when I couldn't pull is hair for a couple months as he attempted to put dreads in. You could take away all of our toys, he could tell me I could never light him on fire again (and he might after an recent OOPs), there are plenty of other limits that could be set. Though that stuff is just the window dressing on our BDSM, it's not the foundation, we could both be quadriplegics and still be kinky.
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