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Kana -> RE: messaging subs (1/11/2014 6:09:08 AM)
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I put this up a long time ago on another BDSM site as a comment (for a female friend who was having some issues) but I still find that it holds true today.
Here are what I term, for better or for worse, Kana's rules for contacting:
"What is with the influx of absurd one line comments that endlessly flow in on BDSM sites? Were it limited to a compliment that would be one thing, but to approach someone with a graphic or lewd sexual comment and expect a response that is positive is ridiculous to the point of stupidity. The same applies for making orders to someone who the sender has not even met yet. Where does this Neanderthal approach originate? I am aware that I am taking a stand against an ocean of banality, but damn it, Quixotian I will remain, tilting at windmills, someone has to try and maintain dignity and standards. Just because it is the Internet does not preclude basic human decency. How can one master another unless one has already mastered himself?
Can it possibly be that the sender actually believes that it will work to impress the recipient? I presume these are the same people who wear a dinosaur skin and bring a club to a singles bar so as to smack women unconscious and drag them back to their caves to do God knows what actions on them.
I am aware that there are basically two schools of domination, that of the iron fist with the other being the silken glove. Personally I tend towards a combination, an iron fist encased in a silken covering. To make the approach using nothing of subtlety, disregarding tact and nuance completely screams beware to me. Anyone who cannot grasp the details that make up a bound relationship in my mind has nothing to do with BDSM but has slid into the realm of misogyny. Plus, if the person is so totally incapable of attempting to have any compassion or feel for the other party, how in the world can they be trusted in heavy play? In BDSM, these things are huge, far more important than in the vanilla world because the physical, emotional and spiritual connections run so much deeper, thus making the capacity to grasp the tiny touches that can make or break interaction that much more important.
Take the time to really carefully read the profile to which you are responding. Check to make sure that you fit what they are looking for, then slowly craft a response based on what you see there. Let the person know through what you write that you are sending them something written only to them, make her feel special, this cannot be stated often or loudly enough. Trust is given and can never be taken; domination comes from respect, trust, love and desire. If you are incapable of making the effort to make a good first impression, then how should it be presumed that you will act in a week or a month or a year when you are now taking the other party for granted?
Try being honest and real, dropping the uber-dom nonsense and approaching her like you would any other human being whose respect you desire to win. Lead with your best foot; show some personal touches about yourself. No one spends their entire life in BDSM, we all have hobbies, families, hopes, desires and dreams, flush them out a bit, make yourself seem a whole person and not a caricature. Humor is always good, far too many people in internet BDSM take things way to seriously. Write something, then and this is huge, take the two seconds to spell check it. To not do so ruins hours of work right out of the gate, nothing says nimrod like someone who can't take the two minutes involved to ensure that the document is spell checked. You wouldn’t send a work document without checking it, so why not one of these?
With all that done, before you send your response, stop. Wait a while, like overnight, and then check it again. Ask yourself, "Am I showing myself the way I would like to be perceived? Am I being persuasive? Have I stuck to my boundaries or roamed all over the place? What would I think were I to receive this message?" When all those questions are answered to your satisfaction, then and only then send your response. It works I promise it does. It takes time and effort, but hey, on ALT men outnumber women about 30 to 1, do something to shift the scales in your favor and amazing things could happen for you. There are real people out here who know what they are doing; it is just sometimes a tedious process to find these diamonds in the compost heap. Personally I am thankful that the nimrods are so glaring in their extreme moron hood, they might be very dangerous if they were to get any brains about what they do. Instead it is like a form of social Darwinism, they eliminate themselves from the gene pool and also make the rest of us look much better in the process, simply by the virtue of not being them. That I must confess is a happy thought to end this little missive (or maybe I should say missile) with."
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