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mnottertail -> RE: Toothpaste (7/9/2006 11:05:45 AM)
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Does anybody remember Herbie Comic books?
We shall see...
So I had crabs once at a very young age....far less than the law allowed. There was a doctor that had an office on mainstreet, he was at odds with the other medicos in the area. HIs wife, a whiskey throated bitch, was his nurse, she was the spitting image of Kitty on Gunsmoke.....with a constant cigarette and sidejaw and squint from the smoke thrown in. And boisterous...so anyway, I had some gal, and several days later, itching becomes unbearable, well in those days I had pretty good eyes and at the root of my pubic hair there were these little pearly grey like dewdrops...I am maybe 14 or so (old enough to get a hardon and cute enough (I had hair that was blond and curley and like lambswool) and so I have no idea that there is a connection in the two events.........so I take $10 dollars (figuring that should handle everything) and go to the doctors office cause what the fuck is this, right? I go in the waiting room, and there are some older ladies in there.....I go up to the nurses station....theres miss kitty...I need to see the Doc.........what about? I would rather not say, it is private.....oh, don't worry honey....nope, I wanna talk to Doc...ok..
So I go in to see the fabled Dr. Roy A. Nelson (aeons dead, so no problem with the name) He looks like Herbie (as wide as he was tall, a very round fellow, but had a grey crewcut instead of a bowlcut. Smokin' and chewin' on a big dogshit cigar..... sits on one of those low bar stool type doctors chairs with casters and never gets up, justs zips back and forth like the crab guy played by James Coburn on Monsters, Inc.
Puffin' away, what do you want the Doc for?...Well, I have these little grey pearl things at the base of my........YOu got crabs!!! What? Don't you want to see? (as I start unzipping my bluejeans) ......You filthy little cocksucker, get your fuckin pants on right now and get out of my office........(cigar ashes flying allover as he gesculates spasmodically)...you got crabs .....go across the street and see Doc Beske (the pharmacist across the street) and tell him you got the crabs!!! So he scribbles on the papers and tells me to hand them to the nurse........
I do, she looks at my papers and the ten dollars and back and forth and ........
A cackling, haunting, echoing derisive laugh........never mind, honey.....you don't owe a thing!!!!!!!!
I rush out red as hell......
Go see doc beske...fuck...people in there too........
yadda yadda yadda...oh, you need Kwell (it was a sliver less than 2 bucks a bottle.....that was spendy in them days........) and he is talkin all loud and shit......Kwell, it's for crabs; it is right there on the middle shelf...hollering all across the store. How did I get crabs? You got them from a girl....(that was all he said)..........
Of course, I wanted to park the cadillac in the garage again, and she was more than willing (because I spose she didn't know she had crabs either, and it felt good to itch them from the pelvic pressure, she probably just thought she was a nymphomaniac......who knows?)
Anyway, I get the crabs again.....(and I am figuring, Jesus, do you gotta go thru all this shit every time you get some?) so I am thinking about my past experience so far........and I spy a can of Raid on my dads workbench.......hmmmmmmmmmmmmm ... ingredients list: 2,3-5 dimethylatrocilaiscopo.....this cant be good for nobody........this is gotta slow em down at least.........
WHHHHHHOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHH!!!!
Hey; the itching kinda stopped...........oh oh oh....this shit is getting warm............OMFG !!! I am on fire ..........
And now you know the rest of the story,
Ron
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