Straight Dom and male sub / slave (Full Version)

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HandyD314 -> Straight Dom and male sub / slave (1/23/2014 11:36:08 PM)

Strictly speaking, I am heterosexual. I have never had a male sub before. Keeping in mind that a M/s or D/s relationship doesn't have to be about sex, several males have approached me for consideration.

Basically, this would be completely new territory for me. I do not find males physically attractive, but I can bond mentally and emotionally with some. Some of the ones seeking my attention say they want some pretty hardcore and serious play. My own hard limits would allow for their requests (okay, I would probably actually enjoy it), but I am not entirely sure that they understand everything involved.

If you approached a Dom asking about body and life altering events, would you be able to actively follow through? Would you be willing to form a proper relationship, or would you be looking for one sided use? Would you be patient enough to let the relationship form before these desires were acted upon?

I know that sometimes people will want something, or think they want it, but as soon as they experience release the desire fades and sometimes builds again. For those with the desires that most Doms in their right minds wont touch, how can I know that it is your true desire and not a transient fantasy?

In the heat of passion and desire, can you make the right choice when faced with a big decision?

I suppose it would be best if it was someone who had truly submitted, so that may be my answer. If they can't submit fully then it is not worth the risk, even if they really do desire it.

One further question for the males. Can you truly submit with the knowledge that it will not involve sex?



Daeson -> RE: Straight Dom and male sub / slave (1/24/2014 3:06:51 AM)

You might be hetroflexible under the terms of service,there will always be,a level of connection that inherently takes even a pseudo sexual attachment.

Also,just do it.™ There are going to be things that you can't speculate,until you just do it. Good luck in finding out something new.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Straight Dom and male sub / slave (1/24/2014 4:04:35 AM)

It seems to be that your concerns are less about the gender of your sub, and more about whether the subs that have approached you are making good decisions.

It sounds like someone has asked you to engage in some fairly extreme play with either high risks or permanent marks, is that right? And you are concerned whether they mean it, whether they intend to do this with just anyone or if they will build a bond of trust first, and whether they have really considered the likely consequences.

Follow your gut on this one. You obviously have nagging doubts about whether they actually want these things or if it's just a fantasy which will fade after they jerk off or get some play. If you even slightly doubt that someone has thought this through and knows what they are signing up for, don't do it. Anything that causes permanent damage leaves you open to legal consequences if he changes his mind after the deed is done. And you are well within your rights to say 'no hard play sessions until we've got to know each other and built some serious trust'. I would imagine that most people's decision making is slightly impaired during the height of arousal, passion, endorphins etc, which is why any negotiation should be done clothes-on, away from the play session, and why you should pull the plug if you suspect subby isn't thinking straight (no pun intended).

In the same vein, you will have to use your best judgement to determine whether you think these people really will be happy with totally non-sexual service, or if you think they are counting on your changing your mind. Personally I would err on the side of caution.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Straight Dom and male sub / slave (1/24/2014 5:10:20 AM)

Nice to see you starting your own thread, Handy.

I come at this from a different perspective, since I have a bit of experience with male 'subs.' I put sub in quotes for a reason, which is that most aren't subs in the least, they are what I would call fetishists, which means they get their kink on for purely sexual reasons, and aren't in the least bit interested in actually serving another. They want their own needs served.

Is this *all* male subs? Of course not. But I do think male subs who are new to BDSM have many issues to overcome, not the least is watching way too much porn and being totally fantasy and kink driven. In order for them to really find out who they are and what they want, they need experience. Unfortunately, there are not many outlets for them to get the experience.

They either hire a pro (which if it's a good pro is a great way to explore) or they turn to online and offer themselves up to anyone for anything.

We've seen that time and again in the intro section of the forum, clueless male subs saying they are 'no limits.'

What does this mean for you Handy?

First it means the chances of these subs actually showing up for a meet are nil.

Second it means those that want some extreme activity are almost certainly 100% fantasy based and don't have a clue how they would actually react in person.

Third, assuming you get to this point, you have no idea how they will react hours, days or weeks after the event. Will they call the police on you? Think about that.

Fourth, yes, service can most definitely occur without sex, I have such a relationship. However, it should be built with the same care as you would a romantic relationship, due to the above.

I'm not saying this isn't something you should go for, but please be very careful.



HandyD314 -> RE: Straight Dom and male sub / slave (1/24/2014 8:37:37 AM)

Thanks. ChatteParfaitt, your point about fetishist vs sub is right to the heart of my concerns. Thank you for putting it so succinctly.

I will probably pass on the males who are asking. The proper connection doesn't seem to be there.

This is useful information for if and when it does happen, though. Thank you all again.



ResidentSadist -> RE: Straight Dom and male sub / slave (1/24/2014 9:18:32 AM)

I feel ChatteParfaitt pretty much nailed it. I know I would refuse to be responsible for "body and life altering events" on someone when if I were "not entirely sure that they understand everything involved."



DesFIP -> RE: Straight Dom and male sub / slave (1/24/2014 10:16:43 AM)

Why not start by topping men at your local dungeon. Nothing wrong in talking to someone, discovering you're both without partners but he wants to bottom and you want to top. See if you can separate sex from s & m. Some can, some can't. Nothing wrong either way but it's important to know which you are.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Straight Dom and male sub / slave (1/24/2014 12:03:42 PM)

^^This is good advice, topping someone at a play party is an excellent way to find out if dominating males will work for you or not. Since it's a social event there's no pressure.



ResidentSadist -> RE: Straight Dom and male sub / slave (1/24/2014 1:48:53 PM)

^^^ That really is a good idea.



HandyD314 -> RE: Straight Dom and male sub / slave (1/24/2014 2:55:07 PM)

Nice. That is really good advice. The scene around here is a little limited, but I'll keep my eyes and ears open.



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