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Where to begin? - 1/28/2014 2:09:01 PM

rachek128

Posts: 5
Joined: 1/19/2014
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Getting into this lifestyle is more difficult than one would think. I'm at a bit of a loss and I can't really say what my best choice would be (or even what choices are available.)

So, a bit of exposition for those that didn't see my ramble-tastic intro: I'm what you could call a persistent fanboy. I've struck out on everything beyond books, some awkward discussions with similar-minded friends (and the one wacky aunt - now that was scary), and the all-knowing Google. For a long time I've been hoping to find myself a nice dom to let me experience things in reality and perhaps even tame me (not that I'd make it easy on him - ha!) Still, that's mostly beside the point.

The problem is that while I can wax poetic all night on here, outside the internet I clam up so hard I'm surprised people don't think I'm a bit touched. I have the power to make any conversation awkward and stuttering, and just thinking about meeting people is a joke. Dating is kind of in the fantasy realm.

So, does anyone have any sort of suggestions for just starting out? I expect I'm kind of hopeless and need to just fling myself out there, but I don't even really know where or when to do said flinging. I was hoping that I'd be able to find someone on the other side to chat with and sort of show me the ropes so to speak, but then I realized that pretty much everyone I've seen over there is either incompatible with my gender or completely hung up on their inability to be comfortable with their sexuality (or just plain illiterate - eww.) So I'm fleeing back over here to ask for sage advice.

Any tips, warnings, suggestions or the like?

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RE: Where to begin? - 1/28/2014 2:14:37 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
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Invest in your future. Pay money to spend time with a therapist or a dating coach so that you get past your social anxiety or awkward penguinosity or whatever it is. But you might as well think of it as a disease that needs to be cured, and act aggressively to cut it away, just as you would with a tumor. No matter how good you are at writing emails, sooner or later you'll have to meet people in real life, if you don't want to be forever alone.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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RE: Where to begin? - 1/28/2014 3:43:49 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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I have a little social anxiety and I find volunteering helps with this. I'd rather work at a party than be a guest at a party. I still get to socialize, but I'm busy, and thus not anxious.

Big BDSM events are always looking for volunteers.

You can use fetlife to find groups. Contact the organizers and let them know you are new and shy - all the munches I've been to have had friendly people to make newbies feel comfortable.

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RE: Where to begin? - 1/28/2014 8:22:22 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
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If your problems is mostly verbal you can always go to a club wearing a gag. It's amazing how communicative you can be even without using your mouth.

But most people have problems with being social, not being verbal.

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RE: Where to begin? - 1/28/2014 9:23:56 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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You could always do as Raj does.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIZgzzBGnjA

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RE: Where to begin? - 1/28/2014 9:49:18 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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OP,

You sound like a smart, cool guy.

You need to project confidence. Channel your well spoken writing.

I am sure you can do this!

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RE: Where to begin? - 1/28/2014 11:10:04 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
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If your social anxiety is as bad as you say, RedMagic is right and you need to look at some professional help to get through it. There are no shortcuts which allow you to bypass social interaction, unfortunately. That really would be an investment in your future and I daresay it would help in all areas of your life.

Most groups and munches will be able to put you in touch with a friendly member who can show you around the first time, but of course you will still need to socialize with people to take them up on that offer.

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Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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RE: Where to begin? - 1/28/2014 11:33:42 PM

orgasmdenial12

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline

Find someone who is similarly shy in public, and then go to events together - you can post on the page of events and ask if anyone else who is shy is going to that event. It is much, much easier to join in when you are part of a pair than on your own and you can support each other and keep each other company if no-one else is talking to you.

Contact the event organisers and ask for a meet and greet, so that you are taken in and introduced to the regulars.

While you are at munches, ask for recommendations about good play parties. There is a world of difference between good and bad play parties and the regulars will know which are the best ones.

Good luck!

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RE: Where to begin? - 1/29/2014 1:46:04 AM

rachek128

Posts: 5
Joined: 1/19/2014
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Thanks for your feedback everyone!

Hmm. I have to say, I think it's actually a sort of "acquired" social anxiety as opposed to actual shyness. I had the stereotypical sheltered childhood with minimal human interaction. Gotta love protective parents. The end result is now that I'm out in the world and making a place for myself, I'm finding that I'm pretty much out of the loop on just about everything and unable to connect to anyone. Small talk fails when you don't know anything to say.

I'm actually a pretty self confident and - dare I say - charismatic guy. I have plenty of friends and I was even the president of the LGBT organization at my college. Trying to get a room full of queens and flamers to do just about anything without apocalyptic drama requires pretty effective speaking. Things just go downhill once I run into cultural references I don't get or social situations I'm clueless at. Once there's awkwardness I tend to flounder and increase it exponentially. I even tend to stutter a bit which just drives me crazy. So, usually I just tend to avoid people, shameful as it is.

So, I'm not really sure this is a kind of issue that therapy would help so much as exposure. I'm not finding that to be too easy. I live in an area that doesn't exactly scream "alternative lifestyle friendly" in any sense. I'm really thinking just getting some friends that happen to be as nonstandard as myself would be a good place to start. I'll have to see if I can pull that off.

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RE: Where to begin? - 1/29/2014 2:30:17 AM

pg4g

Posts: 296
Joined: 12/31/2013
From: Australia
Status: offline

Yeah, I understand your frustration. I didn't have much exposure to BDSM (or gay culture for that matter) in outback Australia. Made stuff somewhat awkward.

I agree it sounds like exposure would help. Helped me interact with other gay men 5 years back, and I'm just learning the ropes (no pun intended - unless my guy is around

) but hey, everyone seems friendly here. And looking into your local scene is important. I'll be doing that as soon as I move. It may not be out in the open with a neon sign, but it's there.

< Message edited by pg4g -- 1/29/2014 2:39:23 AM >

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RE: Where to begin? - 1/29/2014 5:30:57 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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You seem like a great guy and frankly I wish you were closer. You are intelligent, articulation, and self-reflective, not traits easily found on the net or in real time.

Lacking enough confidence to actually meet people is a huge barrier to you ever having anything close to a well-rounded life. Which is why I believe previous suggestions to seek a therapist are spot on. There's shy, and then there's SHY. You appear to be crippled by your shyness and if that is the case, you need to get professional help.

My therapist tells me that extreme introverts are difficult to deal with b/c even professions have trouble drawing them out. So get yourself to the online bookstore and pic out a book or two that seems to address your issues. Before you meet with the therapist, be prepared to properly address your issues. There is no use to pay for sessions where you just sit there thinking of what to say.

Are you a student by chance? Most schools have a counseling center.

If I can help in any way, please feel free to message me on the other side.

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RE: Where to begin? - 1/29/2014 6:36:59 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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So it sounds to me like the typical home schooled kids that I know. They stayed home with parents all day, so they were very sheltered from life, never got to experience the cultural references and mom and dad rarely let you watch tv or read the books all the other kids were reading or playing video games, etc....

So now you have nothing to reference.

My suggestion is to brush up on these. Take some classes, read lots of books about the culture of the times when you grew up, watch and read the new religiously. Talk to your friends who are good at such things and ask them to help you by setting up mock talks like you would have when talking to someone you like.

Good luck

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RE: Where to begin? - 1/30/2014 6:53:48 AM

rachek128

Posts: 5
Joined: 1/19/2014
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

You seem like a great guy and frankly I wish you were closer. You are intelligent, articulation, and self-reflective, not traits easily found on the net or in real time.

Ha! Keep it up and you'll make me blush. Thanks muchly for the kind words. Personally, I wouldn't mind being closer - or, anywhere that isn't here. I'd have never picked Arkansas as a place to settle down but when the parents moved I was dragged along for the ride. Now that I'm independent (much as my mom would prefer otherwise) I'm just too broke to up and leave. Ain't life grand?

You know, I have to say, I am an introvert but because of it I'm extremely self-aware. I'm fascinated by the way thoughts and emotions work and since I don't have intimate access to another test subject I largely study myself. I'm quite familiar with both the effects of my shyness as well as the causes. Just a few years ago I dare say I'd never even think about even talking to anyone online. So far, just looking at myself as objectively as I can seems to help me figure things out and move past them. I'm fairly sure the awkwardness will pass with enough observation - both of myself and my reactions as well as those around me. People watching is rather informative.

Gah. It seems like I start out wanting to write a little comment and it turns into a dissertation. I'll cut myself off here. Ta ta for now!

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RE: Where to begin? - 1/30/2014 7:44:04 AM

Blueswordsman

Posts: 173
Joined: 10/3/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rachek128

Getting into this lifestyle is more difficult than one would think. I'm at a bit of a loss and I can't really say what my best choice would be (or even what choices are available.)

So, a bit of exposition for those that didn't see my ramble-tastic intro: I'm what you could call a persistent fanboy. I've struck out on everything beyond books, some awkward discussions with similar-minded friends (and the one wacky aunt - now that was scary), and the all-knowing Google. For a long time I've been hoping to find myself a nice dom to let me experience things in reality and perhaps even tame me (not that I'd make it easy on him - ha!) Still, that's mostly beside the point.

The problem is that while I can wax poetic all night on here, outside the internet I clam up so hard I'm surprised people don't think I'm a bit touched. I have the power to make any conversation awkward and stuttering, and just thinking about meeting people is a joke. Dating is kind of in the fantasy realm.

So, does anyone have any sort of suggestions for just starting out? I expect I'm kind of hopeless and need to just fling myself out there, but I don't even really know where or when to do said flinging. I was hoping that I'd be able to find someone on the other side to chat with and sort of show me the ropes so to speak, but then I realized that pretty much everyone I've seen over there is either incompatible with my gender or completely hung up on their inability to be comfortable with their sexuality (or just plain illiterate - eww.) So I'm fleeing back over here to ask for sage advice.

Any tips, warnings, suggestions or the like?

If you want to get into the lifestyle attend local fetlife munchies. Like any mixer there will be people looking to meet people to befriend or date. The differences is many will have similar anxieties about their own kink. If you're shy sit in a corner like a clam. Others will come. In time you will meet and friend many others with similar interest.

If you go to a munch and sit in a corner like a sunby clam, the only warning I can give you is bring a fly swatter to brush away all the Doms.

Happy Hunting Blue

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