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HisBestStory -> RE: Ignoring a sub/slave (1/29/2014 11:30:05 AM)
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i just am recovering from leaving my Sir specifically because of this... His communication skills are horrible and the more i got to know him the more i realized that his prior 32 yr relationship was incredibly dysfunctional. They never communicated anything at all. And I by nature am just a ball of words that express feeling.. that is more true than saying i am flesh and blood. and i grew up with abandonment, and his ignoring would throw me into terror, a symptomatic response i'd not had in over 20 years. He quickly learned that because he doesn't like to share his feelings-or had fibbed and knows i'll spot it- or knows he is wrong- that abruptly stating some mean response out of the blue and cutting off communication would send me into hysteria. I actually wound up in the e.r. twice because of self harm issues, again not experienced for over 20 yrs.
i would frantically text and email begging him to please please just call me so we could talk and he can tell me what i've done wrong. He would ignore me for days sometimes and my symptoms became worse and worse and this new "correction" he was using as the method of of choice to let me know he was angry was soon throwing me into depressions only his love could help me out of. i had been islated and he was my only friend for 10 months. i had no one to talk to and even if i was strong on the next abandonment day (usually firiday after exceptional thursday promises) those little girl abandonment fears would always take over starting in little whispers. and i would become drive to find out why i was so easy to leave, totally internalized it and i would just terrorize myself in my own mind making it all about my failures even when i clearly had come to the realization that it was his failure.
But the damage turned that knowledge of its not me its him into the new mantra that circled constantly--"Why are you so stupid and naive that you would let someone treat you like this" " you know better than to know he's lied early on and you stayed with him, you did this to yourself" "you can't choose someone good for you" "every time you click with someone they turn out to be emotional terrorists and the ones that choose me are always better with less hangups." i had become totally distrustful of my judgment and the worst of that is, he was the only one i had to talk to about it and he used even those huge fears that inhibited me to even choose what kind of coffee I wouldn't regret buying every time i made a pot... it was horrid.
then i realized he would only stop and get back to me when the emails and tests stopped -- usually by the time that silence in my own mind occurred i would find myself beginning to disassociate, losing hours just sitting in silence brain apparently turned off. and hours would pass and i'd "come to" and see that i had been sitting in silence since morning with no tv, no music just me. in silence and suddenly its mid afternoon with a cold first cup of coffee still in front of me full.
I put myself into therapy and am still there. and will be for a very long time as now if i feel a click after talking online or whatever, it no longer gives me the hope and excitement of new possibilities but actually is a trigger of fear and a reason to run away and build walls higher. And i'm still isolated, afraid of everyone and why i seem to have this i'll be who you need til you don't need me sign on my head... which is something that i began work on over 5 yrs ago and had successfully thought i'd worked past all of that crap.
My point is, perhaps he is
1. an emotional amputee and hasn't learned how to be his whole self or has blocked off a part of him that he finds weak and shameful and he's frightened to tell you- which is a mistake on his part because it is only when we are vulnerable that we can make a connection with another and our society views vulnerability as a weakness when it's the only way to make your self strong. especially in men... i think
2. he has not done anything to you, but it is easier to push you away as punishment to himself rather than dealing with the issue he's feeling he needs punished for (my ex husbands favorite type of argument) and he can't say a word to you cause he's disconnected and doesn't know where or why he's so pissed off.
3. He's a predator and thinks he can control you as my Sir is.
4. He has another life going on when he is absent.
these are only my opinions that i have formed by being in an extreme situation similar to yours. Just some a-ha's that I've experienced. This isn't meant to be anything more than just that, my thoughts
My final thought is this, if he will check out on you now, what other situations could he check out with you in? Can you trust that person to be your armor and to make sure no harm comes to you? isn't' that like, his primary job. to ensure your emotional/physical well-being?
best of luck to you, i'm glad you can see it much more logically than i, i think your strength is commendable. but ya know, i'm working on it.
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