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How would they know? - 2/5/2014 10:32:18 AM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline

I've only been active in D/s "real life" for a few years now, but before I started exploring things "real life", I spent a LOT ...and I mean a LOT of time online talking to probably hundreds of people....men, women, Dom/mes, subs, switiches.....people from all parts of the spectrum.

There's one things I keep hearing from only one particular segment of the population, and it's because I only hear it from this one group and no others, it kind of irks me a bit.

I hear Dominants (especially male Doms) all the time say how being submisive, surrendering, giving up control with "set you free". And all I can think of is "You're a Dominant....if you've never been submissive, how would you know?" They tell me that this is what other submissives have told them.

Maybe I just never "listened" to all the other submissives I've talked to....but I haven't heard many submissives describe it in that way at all.

So....is that how you feel? Does your submission "set you free"? Free from what?

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

Post #: 1

RE: How would they know? - 2/5/2014 10:41:13 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

It's a cliche, much like submission being a gift. But, to be honest, I don't read much into it when people say things like that. Take "submission is a gift." There are submissives with extensive real-life experience who believe that to be true, and there are also submissives with extensive real-life experience who believe that is bullshit. I bet the same is true about doms who say submission will set you free. Some are remembering a relationship they had where the sub felt that way, and others are just parroting what they've read in erotic literature.

So my suggestion would be that when you hear a dom say that -- or say anything that seems kind of odd to you -- ask, "What do you mean by that?" Then you'll be able to tell whether the comment was vapid, or whether it had support underneath.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 2

RE: How would they know? - 2/5/2014 10:55:22 AM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50
<snip>
Does your submission "set you free"? Free from what?

I'm not a submissive, but I've never heard a male s-type say this before. Quite the contrary--they usually clamour to be owned and insta-Dommed, prematurely collared by a Mistress.

Both male and (bisexual) female slaves have expressed how they want to be perfected via discipline. I hear that a lot, but more in the context of their supposed willingness to accept punishment or expecting to be humiliated & punished, along those lines.

This must be a line that fake Doms feed submissives as a way of saying you will be freed from personal responsibility by doing a TPE with them since they are so deserving and fully capable of assuming it for you.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 3

RE: How would they know? - 2/5/2014 11:06:14 AM

Blueswordsman

Posts: 173
Joined: 10/3/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

I hear Dominants (especially male Doms) all the time say how being submisive, surrendering, giving up control with "set you free". And all I can think of is "You're a Dominant....if you've never been submissive, how would you know?" They tell me that this is what other submissives have told them.

I think most submissive women on the various dating websites including CM are seeking a fulfilling relationship. Several sub ladies seek fulfillment outside of a romantic relationships. I think most are tying to satisfy their cravings. I also believe many ladies on this site are looking to find friends that they can share their thoughts and feelings with.
Blue

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 4

RE: How would they know? - 2/5/2014 11:32:02 AM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Blueswordsman

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

I hear Dominants (especially male Doms) all the time say how being submisive, surrendering, giving up control with "set you free". And all I can think of is "You're a Dominant....if you've never been submissive, how would you know?" They tell me that this is what other submissives have told them.

I think most submissive women on the various dating websites including CM are seeking a fulfilling relationship. Several sub ladies seek fulfillment outside of a romantic relationships. I think most are tying to satisfy their cravings. I also believe many ladies on this site are looking to find friends that they can share their thoughts and feelings with.
Blue

Ok....so what does that have to do with submission setting the submissive free? Free from what and in what way? Is this like some kind of "Calgon take me away!" ?

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to Blueswordsman)

Post #: 5

RE: How would they know? - 2/5/2014 12:44:56 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

It's relaxing, to hand over control and not feel as though all the burden is on me.

I find bondage very freeing though. Just relax into the rope and float.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 6

RE: How would they know? - 2/5/2014 12:49:51 PM

Blueswordsman

Posts: 173
Joined: 10/3/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

quote:

ORIGINAL: Blueswordsman

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

I hear Dominants (especially male Doms) all the time say how being submisive, surrendering, giving up control with "set you free". And all I can think of is "You're a Dominant....if you've never been submissive, how would you know?" They tell me that this is what other submissives have told them.

I think most submissive women on the various dating websites including CM are seeking a fulfilling relationship. Several sub ladies seek fulfillment outside of a romantic relationships. I think most are tying to satisfy their cravings. I also believe many ladies on this site are looking to find friends that they can share their thoughts and feelings with.
Blue

Ok....so what does that have to do with submission setting the submissive free? Free from what and in what way? Is this like some kind of "Calgon take me away!" ?

Simply put... I posted what I think are the reasons some ladies crave submission. I never hear your premise "setting the submissive free". I'm positive most submissive women don't feel freer bathing in water softeners. ... most prefer to warm water.

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 7

RE: How would they know? - 2/5/2014 1:02:12 PM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Blueswordsman

Simply put... I posted what I think are the reasons some ladies crave submission. I never hear your premise "setting the submissive free". I'm positive most submissive women don't feel freer bathing in water softeners. ... most prefer to warm water.

You said "I never hear your premise "setting the submissive free"....and that's my point.
While I agree with DesFIP that bondage is "relaxing"....I don't really see it as being set free.

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to Blueswordsman)

Post #: 8

RE: How would they know? - 2/5/2014 1:05:59 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

OP, come now, you know why those Doms say that.

Those are the profiles that seek newbies, so they tell them that giving into your dark fantasies will free you and they can help you with that.

They are using semantics to suggest giving in to them, will unleash your inner slut.

(in reply to Blueswordsman)

Post #: 9

RE: How would they know? - 2/5/2014 1:24:09 PM

mummyman321

Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

So....is that how you feel? Does your submission "set you free"? Free from what?

As a submissive I will say yes, my submission sets me free. Each and every person will have a different answer but here is one of the things it does for me.

At work I am the Dom. I am in control. If I get 5 minutes without someone asking me a question or asking what to do I count myself lucky. So coming home and willfully giving up control of my mind and body to my Domme does set me free. Its sets me free from the stress of having to make decisions. It sets me free from the stress of being in control. I get to apply all my energies into pleasing her without having to worry about other things that are distracting. I get to fully enjoy the power exchange that happens and if playing enjoying the subspace that I get into as a result of the play.

_____________________________

Life - Its not about where you are but about the journey to get there - I prefer to choose the road less traveled

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 10

RE: How would they know? - 2/5/2014 2:04:23 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

~FRing it~

For me (as an exclusive switch with my switch partner), there is a feeling of freedom in submitting to him that I honestly feel. By nature, Im a very highly controlled person. I do not like others seeing me vulnerable, emotional, or anything that Id consider appearing weak in the eyes of someone else. If I'm hurt or if I'm sad, I'll fake like everything is fine and that "I've got this"...even when I know I don't. I'll fully admit that it's a facade that I find myself putting a lot of unconscious energy into maintaining.

But when I surrender control to him, all of that goes away. He sees me at my most vulnerable and exposed. There is nowhere to hide, the facade cracks, and the raw human being beneath the armor shows through. Believe it or not, that is actually liberating. The more he restrains me, the freer I become. It's the weirdest phenomenon, but submission is the one place where it's safe to be anything other than calm, cool, and collected.

As a side note, I fucking HATE that horseshit line that "submission is a gift." But I know that's not the topic of this thread

(in reply to mummyman321)

Post #: 11

RE: How would they know? - 2/5/2014 2:28:39 PM

anniezz338

Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline

It's like a hot bubble bath. It's like getting out of a crowded elevator. It's like Friday's at 5 o'clock. It's like getting off the roller coaster after a crazy ride. It's like a hot shower after a long run. It's like noisy neighbors finally moving.

_____________________________

I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)

Post #: 12

RE: How would they know? - 2/5/2014 2:48:48 PM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingTrinity

~FRing it~

For me (as an exclusive switch with my switch partner), there is a feeling of freedom in submitting to him that I honestly feel. By nature, Im a very highly controlled person. I do not like others seeing me vulnerable, emotional, or anything that Id consider appearing weak in the eyes of someone else. If I'm hurt or if I'm sad, I'll fake like everything is fine and that "I've got this"...even when I know I don't. I'll fully admit that it's a facade that I find myself putting a lot of unconscious energy into maintaining.

But when I surrender control to him, all of that goes away. He sees me at my most vulnerable and exposed. There is nowhere to hide, the facade cracks, and the raw human being beneath the armor shows through. Believe it or not, that is actually liberating. The more he restrains me, the freer I become. It's the weirdest phenomenon, but submission is the one place where it's safe to be anything other than calm, cool, and collected.

As a side note, I fucking HATE that horseshit line that "submission is a gift." But I know that's not the topic of this thread

I guess I don't get it because to me, no matter what situation I am in, I am ALWAYS doing what someone else tells me to do. Whether it's home or at work or obeying the law and the government. That's why I don't understand the part of my question.....freedom from what?

Maybe it's because I don't have a facade that I put a lot of energy into maintaining....I'm just....me, and I wouldn't know how to do it any other way.

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)

Post #: 13

RE: How would they know? - 2/5/2014 3:16:46 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

So you aren't a single parent, or an employee with a lot of responsibility but no power to implement changes that would improve the situation? Because many of us have heavy responsibilities with no power to fix problems and just want a break from them.

Having someone else take the responsibility for the outcome lessens my stress. It is relaxing and freeing.

For example. I used to freeze up in the ice cream section trying to find something that everyone in the house would like. Taking into account that some didn't eat nuts, others didn't like fruit, others didn't want anything hard in it like chocolate chips. And they always wanted something new each week. Simply trying to make the perfect choice was exhausting. The Man watched this for a while and then started narrowing down my choices. No fruit, had to have chocolate. And then he told me to buy one with mint for him, and one of few things my daughter could eat for her. Sensory Integration Disorder limited what she could then tolerate.

Having him take over like this meant I could go into the aisle and out within five minutes instead of 30. And yes, it is freeing to have that stress removed.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 14

RE: How would they know? - 2/5/2014 3:28:20 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

I made a point of specifying that I was NOT speaking for everyone as a whole. I'm speaking for ME because that is all I can speak on with any sort of authority. I outlined the reasons I felt submission was freeing for me.

You no doubt won't see things the way I see them for one very simple reason...I am not you and you are not me. Take from what Ive said what you will...or won't. It's no skin off my nose either way. I've outlined very clearly what I felt my freedom came from. Just take it at its face value, rather than superimposing what your definition of freedom is. Freedom can come in many forms.

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 2/5/2014 3:39:08 PM >

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 15

RE: How would they know? - 2/5/2014 3:47:35 PM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingTrinity

I made a point of specifying that I was NOT speaking for everyone as a whole. I'm speaking for ME because that is all I can speak on with any sort of authority. I outlined the reasons I felt submission was freeing for me.

You no doubt won't see things the way I see them for one very simple reason...I am not you and you are not me. Take from what Ive said what you will...or won't. It's no skin off my nose either way. I've outlined very clearly what I felt my freedom came from. Just take it at its face value, rather than superimposing what your definition of freedom is. Freedom can come in many forms.

I understand that completely and that's why I asked the question. I know that the stresses I have in my life are very different from the stresses everyone else has in their lives, and in my life and view, this "freedom" doesn't compute. As much as I enjoy and want to submit to my partner, I don't see it giving me anything I would define as "freedom". Enjoyment....yes....freedom....not really. So I'm wondering and asking.....what kind of "freedom" does submission give you? Freedom from what or maybe freedom OF what? What is your definition of "freedom"?

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)

Post #: 16

RE: How would they know? - 2/5/2014 3:51:15 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline

I haven't heard a lot of "submissions sets your free"

What I have heard a lot of is variations of:
"I like the feeling of total power over my partner I get from submission."

The subs I talk to say it's a lot like stripping. Outsiders think the voyeurs are 'abusing' the strippers but the strippers say it empowering. The men slaver over the right to give them money, all in exchange for....?????

Of course, all of this only applies if it is consensual.

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)

Post #: 17

RE: How would they know? - 2/5/2014 3:58:57 PM

anniezz338

Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline

It seems people are trying to give you an idea of their views of freedom but you still don't seem to get it. I don't think there is one set definitions for everyone. I feel there have been some fairly good examples.

One definition would be absence of undue restrictions. Like I gave the examples above seem to say that for me. Those examples are the closest I come to showing how I see freedom.

It's a relief of sorts. Like a burden being lifted.

_____________________________

I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 18

RE: How would they know? - 2/5/2014 4:29:05 PM

Milesnmiles

Posts: 1349
Joined: 12/28/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

I've only been active in D/s "real life" for a few years now, but before I started exploring things "real life", I spent a LOT ...and I mean a LOT of time online talking to probably hundreds of people....men, women, Dom/mes, subs, switiches.....people from all parts of the spectrum.

There's one things I keep hearing from only one particular segment of the population, and it's because I only hear it from this one group and no others, it kind of irks me a bit.

I hear Dominants (especially male Doms) all the time say how being submisive, surrendering, giving up control with "set you free". And all I can think of is "You're a Dominant....if you've never been submissive, how would you know?" They tell me that this is what other submissives have told them.

Maybe I just never "listened" to all the other submissives I've talked to....but I haven't heard many submissives describe it in that way at all.

So....is that how you feel? Does your submission "set you free"? Free from what?

I apologize for commenting in the "ask a submissive", cause I'm not but I would like to put in two cents worth.

First, although a Dom may be very intuitive, he can't guarantee how a person will feel about being a sub and if he says to someone he just met that submission will "set you free", he either just read it some where and it sounded good to him or he is trying to sell someone a bill of goods.

As for something setting you free, a person can only be set free, if they have something to be set free from.

If some one is being kept as a slave and they don't want to be a slave then they can be "set free" from slavery.
But if a person is being kept as a slave and they want to be a slave, "setting them free" from slavery, isn't doing them any favor.

Likewise if a woman feels a desire to be a submissive but is trapped in a world where they are told that submission is wrong and they need to stand up for women everywhere, conform to feminist ideals and that all men are repressive "male chauvinist pigs", that are just keeping women "in their place", then I could see how dumping all that for a chance to be submissive to someone who genuinely cares for them, could definitely "set them free".

Just saying...
;-)

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 19

RE: How would they know? - 2/5/2014 4:32:55 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

Hmm..
I cannot say it makes me feel free. I feel like me everyday, just like most people I guess. I do stuff I need to to get by. I work, I play, I explore and I rest. Just like regular people do.. I think. Beats me because I am just me and can only assume the rest of the world just moves day to day. Sometimes I feel free and sometimes I feel oppressed, IN or OUT of a ds relationship.
I cannot say that when I am in a relationship I am somehow more free to be me than I right now. I still have the same responsibilities and worries, the same need to survive. There may be a slight difference in sexuality in that I am sated, but I am still perfectly ok in my masochistic submissive persona even if I don't have a partner. And that may be what they are talking about when people say they feel free. Because for many people sexuality is not as free as one would like. And having a partner that verify's your desires without judgement can relieve you of the guilt you may feel for wanting PLEASURE.

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 2/5/2014 4:33:54 PM >

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 20

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