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how do I identify my dom - 2/6/2014 1:22:21 AM

kinghole

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Joined: 2/5/2014
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And how do I open up in my profile and to someone who is asking me about anything bdsm related because I'm new to most of this I would think inexperience would be good because I am trainable but they seem to want only experience how do I show them I can handle what ever they have for me?

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RE: how do I identify my dom - 2/6/2014 1:58:55 AM

AthenaSurrenders

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Joined: 3/15/2012
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Don't try to be something you're not. If someone wants experience, no amount of persuading will change their mind. Hold out for someone who wants YOU. Even if you talked someone who cared about experience into taking you on, you'd both be set up for disappointment since that's not what they really want.

Thing is, you don't honestly know that you can handle 'whatever they have for you'. You have limits. You will have limits you don't even know about yet. Your pain tolerance might be more or less than you think, or you might find some activities more scary or unpleasant than you think. And this is all fine. We all have to learn and figure out. But when inexperienced people say that they can handle anything, it puts people off. Why? Because it suggests you might not have realistic ideas. Better to be upfront that you're not quite sure yet what you can take, and need someone to experiment with.

For me, inexperience would be no problem. But for some it would, and that's their choice.

You are young, and that limits your options, but that's ok, you're only getting older. Go and find your local 'TNG' group which will have young kinksters. Learn from others. Watch play and maybe make friends and join in. Voila. Now you have experience. You will have better luck in the flesh than online because male subs get lost in the crowd on here. Use all the tools available to you. And don't discount just experimenting with girlfriends and causal partners - are you in college? Because I bet most college girls would be up for kinky playtime with their boyfriends.

In the mean time, it's worth looking at your profile. At the moment it's hard to read because it's one long sentence. Break it up. You do mention your vanilla hobbies which is a good start, maybe add another sentence about who you are as a person. Go ahead and put what you want in a partner too - an age range? similar hobbies? girlfriend+kink or always-in-charge or friends with kinky benefits? It seems counter-intuitive to limit the people who might be interested, but being a little bit picky is a good thing. Otherwise it might seem that you will take any woman at all, and nobody likes desperation.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to kinghole)

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RE: how do I identify my dom - 2/6/2014 5:22:13 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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You can't handle anything they throw at you. We all have limits. So stop approaching this as though it were some macho test.

Beyond that, fill out your profile. I'm surprised anyone will talk to you. Write about nonsexual things you are passionate about. Use your journal to talk about the funny movie you just saw or the great day sledding with buddies you had. Show yourself to be a happy and involved person.

And how much experience do you need to wash someone's dishes to help them out? What can you do for them? What good traits do you bring to the table?

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(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

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RE: how do I identify my dom - 2/6/2014 6:23:08 AM

DarkSteven

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Joined: 5/2/2008
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My girlfriend Athena is spot on. But I'd add something. When you write something, go back and read it. What impression will it have on your target audience?

The first thing noticeable is the lack of periods. That indicates to me that you just threw something out there without realizing how, on the Internet, writing quality is premium. As a Dom, I want someone who cares about appearances and is willing to work on their writing to make it look good.

The second thing I notice is that you're trying to anticipate what others want, randomly. That's natural because you're new. You say "I am here to become a better sub and to develop a relationship eventually but for now I'll do anything to learn I have no problem sending pics but I want more than an online fling". I'd replace that with "I'd like to find out what you want. Please let me know."

The third thing is "I have been on here before and find it hard to stay away its addicting". That phrasing says you have little self control. Instead, say, "I've been here before. I like this place."

Finally, you say, " I'd like to have a reason to stay please let me know if your interested". Sorry, but men have to take the initiative here, even if they're sub.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: how do I identify my dom - 2/6/2014 6:46:43 AM

MisterP61

Posts: 1345
Joined: 10/9/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kinghole

And how do I open up in my profile and to someone who is asking me about anything bdsm related because I'm new to most of this I would think inexperience would be good because I am trainable but they seem to want only experience how do I show them I can handle what ever they have for me?

I would be very wary of those who say they only want experience, as well as those who want only your kink related stuff in a profile. Who are you as a person, that is what I really want to know. The other stuff we would find out as we got to know one another.

_____________________________

Proudly married to the "Diva of Destruction" LadyPact
Though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore - Of Monsters and Men
What is the maximum effective range of an excuse? Zero meters!

(in reply to kinghole)

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RE: how do I identify my dom - 2/6/2014 11:41:11 AM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline

Everything the others told you, paying special attention to what AthenaSurrenders and DarkSteven advised.

You say you are "open to anything"--No, you're not. Don't even give the impression that's how you feel. There are absolutes in life and as a young adult, you should be old enough to have some idea where to draw the line.

An absolute No-way-not-going-there or Hell will freeze over first is a Hard Limit. I am highly averse to this, or would hate/detest doing this and find it repugnant, is a Soft Limit. Everyone has them, every single one of us.

Btw, I would rather have a submissive who is inexperienced, but one who is flexible, adaptable and versatile, than one who is overly experienced and set in his ways, kink-obsessed or fetish-driven. I won't go into all my reasons here, but many of us prefer to work with a blank slate. Is it possible you are placing over-emphasis on your lack of experience? Totally unnecessary, given that you are 19, as only an idiot would expect you to have much of any experience or maturity yet. The good news is, you're only getting older, and in time you'll attract more interest.

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Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

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RE: how do I identify my dom - 2/8/2014 3:40:15 PM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
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quote:

I am trainable but they seem to want only experience how do I show them I can handle what ever they have for me?

The "how do I show them I can handle what ever they have for me" is understandable since all new submissives have that passion and this comes from a real desire to prove yourself and nothing I can say will quench that belief you have and I will not try.

Besides, it does not matter since it is predicated on the mistaken belief that "they seem to want only experience". That is a miss-conception and you will find many experienced Doms count passion first and experience second and besides, it gives them a chance to grow with you together, as one. So, they might have a preference but honestly, the passion you bring to the table is enough to satisfy any experienced Dom. This means you are talking to inexperienced or fake Doms and you need to simply be aware of this and forget any man who says they are seeking experienced only because there are too many real Doms who want passion over experience and besides, many of us like to train unless we are well attached like myself.

< Message edited by Arturas -- 2/8/2014 3:42:28 PM >

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RE: how do I identify my dom - 2/8/2014 3:42:32 PM

RemoteUser

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Joined: 5/10/2011
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Are you good enough?

Not for them, silly. For you.

The rest falls from there.

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There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.

(in reply to Arturas)

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RE: how do I identify my dom - 2/8/2014 3:45:04 PM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RemoteUser

Are you good enough?

Not for them, silly. For you.

The rest falls from there.

This too.

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"We master Our world."

(in reply to RemoteUser)

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RE: how do I identify my dom - 2/10/2014 6:11:51 AM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
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I liked what AthenaSurrenders said:

quote:

Thing is, you don't honestly know that you can handle 'whatever they have for you'. You have limits. You will have limits you don't even know about yet. Your pain tolerance might be more or less than you think, or you might find some activities more scary or unpleasant than you think. And this is all fine. We all have to learn and figure out. But when inexperienced people say that they can handle anything, it puts people off. Why? Because it suggests you might not have realistic ideas. Better to be upfront that you're not quite sure yet what you can take, and need someone to experiment with.

This is exactly what I tell them all the time....and I get mixed reactions. They all want to know "what I'm into". I might list a couple of things that I know I enjoy, but very often I will say "I'm not completely sure yet. I'm still exploring some things and I'm looking for someone to help me explore. There are some things I havent' tried that I think I will probably like....and some that I'm pretty sure I won't like, but I won't know for sure until I try them"

As she said...."You will have limits you don't even know about yet". And you also very well may not have limits where you expected you would. It is a journey and exploration.

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“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

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RE: how do I identify my dom - 2/10/2014 6:16:09 AM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

I am trainable but they seem to want only experience how do I show them I can handle what ever they have for me?

The "how do I show them I can handle what ever they have for me" is understandable since all new submissives have that passion and this comes from a real desire to prove yourself and nothing I can say will quench that belief you have and I will not try.

Besides, it does not matter since it is predicated on the mistaken belief that "they seem to want only experience". That is a miss-conception and you will find many experienced Doms count passion first and experience second and besides, it gives them a chance to grow with you together, as one. So, they might have a preference but honestly, the passion you bring to the table is enough to satisfy any experienced Dom. This means you are talking to inexperienced or fake Doms and you need to simply be aware of this and forget any man who says they are seeking experienced only because there are too many real Doms who want passion over experience and besides, many of us like to train unless we are well attached like myself.

I think that's really interesting because to me it seems like most of the profiles I read say that the Dom would prefer to have someone who has the least experience. Most of the Doms I talk to would prefer to have someone that they need to train for themselves.

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to Arturas)

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RE: how do I identify my dom - 2/10/2014 6:28:56 AM

sunshinemiss