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RE: Play Partner Etiquettes for the Male Subs - 2/10/2014 3:35:32 AM   
orgasmdenial12


Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline 		No, I would let her pay her own way, she might not want to feel that you are buying her dominance. Buying her drinks is perfectly acceptable, and if she wishes to be more equal, she can offer to buy you a drink in return.

(in reply to ChaoticIntent)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Play Partner Etiquettes for the Male Subs - 2/10/2014 6:04:11 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		The mixed signal that some women send is, "we should be equal, but you must protect me.,

I have never expected a man to"watch out for me," or "run interference." I'm an adult and if I can't watch out for myself and keep unwanted advances away on my own (excluding of course being attcked), then I should not leave the house.

While many women like to believe they are in the posession of the golden pussy and any men should be grateful just to get a glimpse, that simply is not the case. No one should feel as though they have been granted some great "priviledge" getting to have sex with someone else, outside of a D/s game.

Women who play the "oh, I must/should be protected by men" perpetuate the "woman as delicate creatures" myth and do a disservice to all other women every where. I can take care of myself quite well when out without a man's help and don't view "running interference" as being gentlemanly or an act of chivalry.

Do I believe if I'm on a date with a man, he should open doors and pull out chairs? Yes, that is being a gentlemen. If we were in a club and a fight broke out, would I expect him to do something to help me from being close enough to the sidelines to get hurt? Yes, but that would only be if I was oblivious to that fact myself.

We often tell s-types of the female persuasion they shouldn't think of themselves as special little snowflakes, yet in this thread, everyone is behaving as though this guy, who isn't butt ugly by any means, should practically be on his knees grateful that this woman has chosen him as a bottom. Ridiculous. They are two young adults who BOTH have decided they like to play with each other. Both are getting something out of the deal.

Yes, its true in vanilla and BDSM, that women pretty much can have their pick of playmates (of cousre, some of us have standards that make that playing field smaller), but to take the position that any man should be grateful a woman decided it was he she would play with is silly.

Regardless of that, the answer to the OP's question remains that he should ask HER how she feels about it and respond accordingly.

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Play Partner Etiquettes for the Male Subs - 2/10/2014 9:57:07 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		I don't tell men 'we should be equal' because I don't play the "we are all the same" game, since each of us have our own unique strengths and weaknesses.

Friends watch each other's backs, at least my friends have no qualms about that, and neither do I. I watch their backs and look out for them as well. So do buddies. Would you tell a soldier who takes precautions for his safety and those of his comrades-in-arms not to leave his barracks (if he had any choice)? Would you consider a female soldier to be behaving like a special/delicate little snowflake for not venturing out alone at night unaccompanied?
It isn't always a matter of protection from others. If a friend or companion has had too much to drink, I'm not going to let him/her drive home. (Tell me to f--- off all you want with your macho bravado, I'm grabbing those car keys.)

I don't consider my lips "golden," but I don't go around kissing and necking with just any man either. My body is precious to me. My man's body is precious, and when I own that dick, he better treat it like it's my golden property--yay, more precious than diamond-encrusted platinum.

What signals you seem to be advocating is to send the message that a man should act like only half a gentleman, or more like a valet. Chacun à son goût.

I believe I've already concurred with OP working this out with his Top to their mutual satisfaction.

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(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Play Partner Etiquettes for the Male Subs - 2/10/2014 11:19:25 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		We aren't talking about comrades in arms or friends going out for the evening and neither were you. You werequite specific in that you expect a man to do these things when you are out, regardless of relationship

Obviously, you would not be in a "friends with benefits" situation, and that's all fine and good. However, it does affect your opinions of the OP's situation making them far from objective.

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Play Partner Etiquettes for the Male Subs - 2/10/2014 11:34:31 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

We aren't talking about comrades in arms or friends going out for the evening and neither were you. You werequite specific in that you expect a man to do these things when you are out, regardless of relationship

Obviously, you would not be in a "friends with benefits" situation, and that's all fine and good. However, it does affect your opinions of the OP's situation making them far from objective.


Thank you for pointing out that my personal preferences are subjective. So are my opinions, and so are yours.

I don't believe I am leading anyone astray by voicing my personal beliefs. I don't know what it is exactly that you're trying to prove here, but OP sounds sincere about exploring his options from many uncensured PoVs.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Play Partner Etiquettes for the Male Subs - 2/10/2014 2:34:12 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
Do you frequently buy drinks for your female friends? I do not. I expect my friends to pay their own way as a general rule.

I do . . . but you may think it is more an extension of my chauvinism than gallantry.


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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Play Partner Etiquettes for the Male Subs - 2/10/2014 3:53:42 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Fast reply.

This thread was pointed out to Me. I have something of a different take on this.

To Me, somebody who is just a play partner is exactly that. There's not a relationship. We're not having sex. If we are regular play partners, we're probably also friends. That means that I don't expect any more out of them on a friendship level as any other friend. In My terminology, a play date is when two people get together to play. It's not about entry fees or who is buy who drinks.

I don't let folks pay My entrance fees if they are a play partner. That includes stuff that we're doing that are vanilla activities that we're just doing as mutual friends. It's a nice offer to make. I'd probably still reject it so that we're really clear that we are just friends. I might let somebody buy Me a drink or two.

However, (and I think this might be why somebody wanted Me to respond to this thread) if she is the top and you are the bottom, and your BDSM activities are such that she incurs cost, if you really are just play partners, you can do something to off-set that. Buy the needles, pay for some of the wax play candles, and pitch in for your single player use items. If you are just 'friends that play,' don't expect her to foot the bill every time you are having fun. If you aren't comfortable doing it that way, offer to take her out and pick up the tab in exchange for what she has, essentially, already spent on you. I'd be more likely to accept an offer like that.




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The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Play Partner Etiquettes for the Male Subs - 2/10/2014 4:58:48 PM   
subfever


Posts: 2895
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChaoticIntent

This may seem like a stupid question, but I will ask it none the less.

I will be meeting a female play partner of mine. She is the top and I the bottom when we scene, but we are not boyfriend/girlfriend in any way shape or form. We are just friends. With that said, when we meet at a dance club for a fetish party (it may be only us two, so no third wheel so to speak). Should I pay for her to get in the club and for the drinks? I know I can always offer to buy her a drink as a token of our friendship, but not sure as to how far I should go with it being that I am the "bottom" and she is the "top."





In my opinion, there are no right or wrong answers to your question. As we can clearly see, there's a wide range of opinion regarding how you should handle the situation. Your play partner's opinion could be anything. This being the case, the question to ask yourself is "Who's opinion is more important; hers, mine, or some stranger on an internet message board?"

Now I don't know for certain what your answer to the above question is, but I'm going to assume here that your play partner's opinion is the most important to you.

This being said, if I were in your situation, I would be inclined to discuss the issue directly with your play partner. You might say something like "I've been thinking about something, but haven't been able to come up with a clear answer. I want to do the right thing, and I need your help. Obviously, the type of relationship we enjoy together falls outside-the-box in terms of cultural etiquette. How do you feel about me paying your way when we are out together? Would you feel most comfortable if I paid all, some, or none?"

Something along those lines should open the door for relevant and meaningful communication regarding your concerns.

Good luck, regardless of how you decide to handle the situation. Don't forget to come back and let us know how it all played out.

(in reply to ChaoticIntent)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Play Partner Etiquettes for the Male Subs - 2/10/2014 4:59:57 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		When it comes to "supplies" as you are talking, I agree. I was under the impression that the OP was talking about the venue where they meet up, entry fee and drinks there.

FO, the point I'm making is your perspective and opinion is about "relationships" or the potential of such, and nothing to do with people who meet just for play.

Like you, I don't "do" play dates." In the past (long ago past), I did do things like that. When there is no relationship and no intention of such, the whole "gentleman" thing can muddy the waters and cause confusionmaking one or the other think there is more interest/potential for relationship.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Play Partner Etiquettes for the Male Subs - 2/10/2014 6:30:13 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Oh, I was too, LL. What I'm saying is, I wouldn't want a play partner to pay for such things *unless* I was the person who always footed supplies for play. Consider it a nice gesture since I've taken care of needles, toys, etc and the money that was spent for our play time was already an investment. Some folks aren't as good about picking up BDSM supplies or are good about knowing where to get them.

If she (the top) is the person who always hosts, provides snacks, meals, etc, I don't see anything wrong with him offering to take her out to make up for that. Just like somebody wouldn't always accept dinner invitations to someone's house without taking a turn at hosting, themselves.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Play Partner Etiquettes for the Male Subs - 2/10/2014 6:31:03 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Yup, so true. My fuck buddies didn't hold doors open for me or my car door or pull out chairs. He treated me and I treated him like we do all our friends...male or female. The gender was not important. It did not matter. We played, we fucked, we drank, we fucked, we played and both went our separate ways until the next time one of us was hungry.

We didn't sit around and talk about a relationship or him being some kind of perfect gentleman and the one time he did bring up that kind of stuff I told him that was not part of the arrangement and it's not something I wanted from him. That pretty ended our arrangement right there because I didn't want him confused that if he stuck around I might change my mind or that I didn't mean what I said.

So this woman....do you pay her? What does her contract state? Or is she just a fuck buddy?


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(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Play Partner Etiquettes for the Male Subs - 2/10/2014 6:50:39 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		Since we don't know what kinds of play they are into or what bondage gear they might be using, it's good that LadyPact brought up associated costs. Obviously there is a difference between a steady play partner and those you might randomly run into at an event. The latter wouldn't be expected to reimburse you for a set of needles or to replace them, but the former shouldn't assume his Top should always eat the cost every time they meet to play, however infrequently.

This issue isn't unrelated to OP's playdate issue. It does tie into a more balanced give-and-take. It also deals with etiquette in a broader sense between Tops and bottoms.

I can see where you, LafayetteLady, may have thought that some of my tangential comments weren't relative to OP's circumstances. At his age, he will no doubt have future experiences with a Domme, or with a kink-curious vanilla lady. It does no guy in his 20's and early 30's any favors to be clueless about dating. (Which isn't to say the middle-aged ones are adept at it.) These men who are much too young for me leave messages on vanilla dating sites inviting me to "hang out" with them. WhyTH would a woman my age "hang out" with a strange guy in the first place, esp. one who is young enough to be my son? Speaking only for myself, of course, keeping within my own time warp.
(That's all right, though, I don't mind being an anachronism of sorts. )

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Play Partner Etiquettes for the Male Subs - 2/10/2014 7:57:29 PM   
ChaoticIntent


Posts: 12
Joined: 7/17/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you all for the reply! My decision is to simply ask her and communicate to see what she is comfortable with.

(in reply to eulero83)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Play Partner Etiquettes for the Male Subs - 2/10/2014 8:20:10 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChaoticIntent
Should I pay for her to get in the club and for the drinks? I know I can always offer to buy her a drink as a token of our friendship, but not sure as to how far I should go with it being that I am the "bottom" and she is the "top."

If we're play partners/fuck buddies and not a "couple" on a "date," I like to pay my own way. Unless of course we take turns paying for our outings or it's like you pay for this round and I'll pay for the next one, something like that.

It's nice for him to pay for his own insertables and single-use toys, i.e. needles, wax, etc. That is, things I can't re-use or use with another person besides just him. That just makes sense to me. But, since I'm not her, I say just talk to her honestly about it and see what she says. Then go from there.

NBMG

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(in reply to ChaoticIntent)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Play Partner Etiquettes for the Male Subs - 2/10/2014 8:54:21 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		FO, I admit I didn't consider supply cost at all. I'm much more of a psychological domme, so my "equipment " is with me always and quite re-usable without any fuss or muss, lol.

Typically "play partners" aren't dating. Its all about the play/sex. In a dating scenario for me? I think you and I think much alike. Even that first coffee meet, I expect him to pick up the tab and do all thos gentlmanly things, andthere is NO power exchange at that point at all, pure vanilla date.

To the OP, talking with her is best. As you can see, there are many opinions.

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Play Partner Etiquettes for the Male Subs - 2/10/2014 9:55:43 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

For example, my fuck buddy and I had an agreement.



But that's what the op hasn't bothered to do, talk about it and come to an agreement.

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Play Partner Etiquettes for the Male Subs - 2/11/2014 3:25:53 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		It isn't all on the OP. His partner hasn't bothered to express her preferance either.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 37
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