How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation?

How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master

Message

JessieMe -> How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/6/2006 11:04:00 AM)
You broke up with a dom and are now searching again. The new "potential dom" wants to know why it ended. (valid question in my view as I tend to ask the same of potential doms regarding previous submissives) How do you respond to that when you dont want to bash (and look like a dom hater) and you dont want to give the impression that you were at fault (when you were not)? Seems to me this can be a no win situation.

Emperor1956 -> RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/6/2006 11:07:02 AM)
Honesty. Tell Me what you perceived happened, and why. That's all. E.

HollyS -> RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/6/2006 11:24:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JessieMe You broke up with a dom and are now searching again. The new "potential dom" wants to know why it ended. (valid question in my view as I tend to ask the same of potential doms regarding previous submissives) How do you respond to that when you dont want to bash (and look like a dom hater) and you dont want to give the impression that you were at fault (when you were not)? Seems to me this can be a no win situation. Just like with vanilla relationships that end, it really depends why you broke up. There are plenty of ways to say "We were incompatible" without making either party look bad. Differences in experience, desire, availability, and a million other things all play into breakups. It may be perfectly fair to say "I wasn't what s/he was looking for and after trying for awhile, we broke up." How much information does the new "potential dom" want? I would think that a basic explanation would suffice at the beginning of any new relationship. Perhaps if/when you progress further, you might feel more free to fill in the details. Having a partner sympathetic to hearing things from your perspective can make a world of difference. ~Holly

subedana -> RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/6/2006 12:06:28 PM)
I'd simply tell them it didn't work out. The rest is honestly none of their business..

TxBadMan -> RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/6/2006 12:22:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JessieMe You broke up with a dom and are now searching again. The new "potential dom" wants to know why it ended. (valid question in my view as I tend to ask the same of potential doms regarding previous submissives) How do you respond to that when you dont want to bash (and look like a dom hater) and you dont want to give the impression that you were at fault (when you were not)? Seems to me this can be a no win situation. I have found that total and complete honesty works very well. However, I have to point out ( and this is purely a personal opinion and observation ), that it takes two people to make a relationship work, and it takes two to let it go under.

mnottertail -> RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/6/2006 12:27:12 PM)
And in keeping with the BadMan, I usually say, without going into excruciating detail kinda what I think went wrong in the relationship and tell them that I believe there are two sides to the story and that my previous other partner would probably have a different slant on it seeing as how I ain't no fuckin' day at the beach, either. Ron

juliaoceania -> RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/6/2006 1:46:02 PM)
I am a submissive but I can tell you how I handle these questions no matter who asks them. I do not make it about "fault". People do not get along, do not share the same goals, find that their feelings change, or suffer setbacks they cannot overcome in the context of a long term relationship... there is no "fault" necessarily, there are just outcomes for actions. I know in our culture we need to assign blame for every damn thing that ever happened to anyone because we live in this society that is punitive. I am not into punitive thinking. It is not about fault for me when judging why relationships end, it is about context and trying to get the meaning from it all.. what I learned from it, what purpose it served are far more important questions for me than why it ended necessarily, but you only get to that point when you forgive and are over it... until then you are caught in a cycle of blame and victimhood... that isn't attractive.

michaelGA2 -> RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/6/2006 1:50:17 PM)
i can answer this from experience i ended it with my former Mistress, quiet honestly, due to distance. any other explaination is not necessary.

MrDiscipline44 -> RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/6/2006 1:51:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subedana I'd simply tell them it didn't work out. The rest is honestly none of their business.. I can understand this answer, but it wouldn't be acceptable comming from a potential Dom or sub. The baggage that you bring from a previous relationship impacts the new relationship your trying to start as well. This kind of answer shows me that your defencive as well as possibly hiding something. Honesty shows trust. The answer above shows niether. Also, the ending of a relationship shouldn't be about blame, but about what you learnd from that relatiionship. (this second part has nothing to do with what I quoted above)

LaTigresse -> RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/6/2006 1:55:41 PM)
Honesty is always best in my opinion. I would rather hear an unpleasant truth rather than find out I was told a line of bull later on. I also agree with the others, it does take two. Any relationship I have had in the past, no matter what the problems caused by the other person , I most certainly was no angel either. The best part is that I have, at worst, civil relations with one and at best, she is still a very good friend. I always have references![;)]

subedana -> RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/6/2006 2:11:09 PM)
[so as not to hijack you have mail Mr.Discipline. quote]ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44 quote: ORIGINAL: subedana I'd simply tell them it didn't work out. The rest is honestly none of their business.. I can understand this answer, but it wouldn't be acceptable comming from a potential Dom or sub. The baggage that you bring from a previous relationship impacts the new relationship your trying to start as well. This kind of answer shows me that your defencive as well as possibly hiding something. Honesty shows trust. The answer above shows niether. Also, the ending of a relationship shouldn't be about blame, but about what you learnd from that relatiionship. (this second part has nothing to do with what I quoted above)

BitaTruble -> RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/6/2006 2:14:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JessieMe You broke up with a dom and are now searching again. The new "potential dom" wants to know why it ended. (valid question in my view as I tend to ask the same of potential doms regarding previous submissives) How do you respond to that when you dont want to bash (and look like a dom hater) and you dont want to give the impression that you were at fault (when you were not)? Seems to me this can be a no win situation. There is only one "no win" situation and that's hiding the truth. Sometimes the truth is ugly, sometimes painful .. but when it's out there, you never have to worry about what you've said coming back to bite you in the ass like you have to worry about such when you lie or withhold. Stick to facts, don't let past emotional turmoil engage in your narrative of it and that will come through if one is truly listening to what you are saying. If they aren't listening.. then it won't matter what you say anyway. Celeste

juliaoceania -> RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/6/2006 2:23:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44 quote: ORIGINAL: subedana I'd simply tell them it didn't work out. The rest is honestly none of their business.. I can understand this answer, but it wouldn't be acceptable comming from a potential Dom or sub. The baggage that you bring from a previous relationship impacts the new relationship your trying to start as well. This kind of answer shows me that your defencive as well as possibly hiding something. Honesty shows trust. The answer above shows niether. Also, the ending of a relationship shouldn't be about blame, but about what you learnd from that relatiionship. (this second part has nothing to do with what I quoted above) I would agree and disagree with this approach. In the beginning of the "getting to know you" phase I do not owe anyone information about myself or my past. I reveal what I feel like revealing and I expect it would be the same for whomever I am getting to know. If things move along well I will reveal more and more as time goes by and eventually they are owed my perceptions of what didn't work in the past and what I learned from it. Before that they haven't earned the right to know all of my secrets and I am not going to tell them. I am more likely to say "At this point I am not comfortable sharing that with you:" then informing the person "it is none of yourbusiness". When we open ourselves up to someone we are giving them information that could be used against us one day, and we should tread carefully when doing so. For the most part I have no secrets, but I am likely to hold back things that someone did that was truly hurtful to me then anything I may have done wrong. It takes intimacy to share certain things. Basically I want a future and I try not to live in the past anyways.. but that is me and I could be wrong.

Padriag -> RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/6/2006 2:30:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Emperor1956 Honesty. Tell Me what you perceived happened, and why. That's all. E. I'll second that.

subedana -> RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/6/2006 2:31:33 PM)
Yea what you said.. quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania quote: ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44 quote: ORIGINAL: subedana I'd simply tell them it didn't work out. The rest is honestly none of their business.. I can understand this answer, but it wouldn't be acceptable comming from a potential Dom or sub. The baggage that you bring from a previous relationship impacts the new relationship your trying to start as well. This kind of answer shows me that your defencive as well as possibly hiding something. Honesty shows trust. The answer above shows niether. Also, the ending of a relationship shouldn't be about blame, but about what you learnd from that relatiionship. (this second part has nothing to do with what I quoted above) I would agree and disagree with this approach. In the beginning of the "getting to know you" phase I do not owe anyone information about myself or my past. I reveal what I feel like revealing and I expect it would be the same for whomever I am getting to know. If things move along well I will reveal more and more as time goes by and eventually they are owed my perceptions of what didn't work in the past and what I learned from it. Before that they haven't earned the right to know all of my secrets and I am not going to tell them. I am more likely to say "At this point I am not comfortable sharing that with you:" then informing the person "it is none of yourbusiness". When we open ourselves up to someone we are giving them information that could be used against us one day, and we should tread carefully when doing so. For the most part I have no secrets, but I am likely to hold back things that someone did that was truly hurtful to me then anything I may have done wrong. It takes intimacy to share certain things. Basically I want a future and I try not to live in the past anyways.. but that is me and I could be wrong.

shadevarr -> RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/6/2006 9:26:37 PM)
Myself, I tend to be quite honest about what happened in the past. Usually placing the blame on both parties and explaining how I grew from that relationship. this lifestyle is balanced on a blade called trust, break it and it is pretty much over.

txpet -> RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/6/2006 9:54:26 PM)
There is no basis to a relationship without honesty ... pure, simple, unadulterated, to-the-best-of-your-knowledge, complete honesty.

marieToo -> RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/6/2006 10:51:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JessieMe You broke up with a dom and are now searching again. The new "potential dom" wants to know why it ended. (valid question in my view as I tend to ask the same of potential doms regarding previous submissives) How do you respond to that when you dont want to bash (and look like a dom hater) and you dont want to give the impression that you were at fault (when you were not)? Seems to me this can be a no win situation. The question of 'why did it end" when refering to a break-up, never struck me as an ignorant one, until I was going through my divorce. As the news was spreading throughout family and friends, people were asking me "What happened"? And in trying to answer them, I found myself dumb-struck with a puzzled look on my face trying to come up with a summary. One action (or shortcoming) by one person doesn't end a relationship, whether its a marriage or partnership, or whatever. So the whole "fault" thing is so juvenile. Relationships end for one fundamental reason. Its no longer working for the two involved. Sounds overly simplified. But it really is. The reason we cant accept or give such a simple answer is because we are hard wired to find fault with the other person, so that we may go on with our lives thinking that we did nothing "wrong". We want to know that its not our fault, lest we have to question ourselves. Since both parties have faults, and both parties always dealt with each other's faults and accepted those faults, something must have shifted. It just no longer fits for you. The bottom line, is that the other party just is not the right person for you. And thats what I'd tell him. "It didnt work anymore because Im A, and he was more B". "I wanted WX...and he wanted YZ, therefore we werent a good match". No one is wrong. You're just wrong for each other. Shift into that mindset and see how easy it becomes to explain why a relationship didnt work.

Noah -> RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/6/2006 10:56:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BitaTruble There is only one "no win" situation and that's hiding the truth. Sometimes the truth is ugly, sometimes painful .. but when it's out there, you never have to worry about what you've said coming back to bite you in the ass like you have to worry about such when you lie or withhold. Stick to facts, don't let past emotional turmoil engage in your narrative of it and that will come through if one is truly listening to what you are saying. If they aren't listening.. then it won't matter what you say anyway. Celeste That bit I bolded ought to be carved on a wall somewhere. Thank you. Yeah, as others have suggested, be clear on your boundaries and engage in intimacy--like self-revelation--only at a pace that feels healthy and right for you. But when the time comes to share this or share that, just say it. If he's put off by the truth about you ... well what the fuck, do you really want to keep him artificially interested with anything but the truth?

Focus50 -> RE: How do you prefer a submissive handle this situation? (7/7/2006 4:53:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JessieMe You broke up with a dom and are now searching again. The new "potential dom" wants to know why it ended. (valid question in my view as I tend to ask the same of potential doms regarding previous submissives) How do you respond to that when you dont want to bash (and look like a dom hater) and you dont want to give the impression that you were at fault (when you were not)? Seems to me this can be a no win situation. While I agree with being honest, I don't necessarily agree that it's a valid question to ask or be asked. I'd be honest and simply say it didn't work out and we've both moved on - end of story. I prefer to leave the past in the past and I don't ask others why their relationships ended. I only need to know truthfully that the relationship has ended. I'll make up my own mind about a new woman in my life and I'd expect the same consideration in return. We're all supposed to be individuals - that Dom/sub 'A' didn't work out for someone is no valid reason to say Dom/sub 'B' will end the same. Looking for a pre-conceived pattern of behaviour in a stranger shows immaturity, insecurity and, frankly, issues. I won't be pre-judged like that and I don't do it. Focus.

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875