A submissives place

A submissives place (Full Version)

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HalfLife -> A submissives place (7/6/2006 1:38:20 PM)
First off I would like to say I am new to bdsm. I fell in love with a girl that as fate would have it turned out to be a female dom. I was exposed to bdsm and thus far have loved every minute of it. I want to please her above all things. An open relationship, however, is a new thing to me and is what she wanted. I trust her explicitely and she trusts me. She says that she in no way is looking to replace me and I know that it is true. Does the lingering irrational shadow of worry and jealousy go away over time or is it just human nature. Do doms understand that sometimes a submissive will be jealous and thus a little is ok or am I being a bad submissive and need to shape up. I have plans to move to be with her all the time in a little under a year (after my graduation) since right now we have to do a long distance thing. I very much am in love and would like to show her that when we are in role as much as I try to do when out. Could use a few pointers since pretty new to my role as submissive. I want to be the best I can for my mistress. Also what is a good gift for a loving submissive to give his mistress. What would make you all giggle or smile and at the same time want to tie a guy up. I want to surprise her without stepping over any boundries I did not know about.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: A submissives place (7/6/2006 2:04:59 PM)
Feelings of jealousy and envy can and will always crop up in a poly relationship. The key is to communicate. In the poly families that I know, the things that works best is if one person is having trouble, everyone in the family talks about it and they work it out as a family. No emotions are swept aside nor are the slaves required to "just deal with it". Also, if one person of a triad is having issues, the other two people in the triad put things on hold until the first person is comfortable again, usually after some adjustments are made. This is assuming that this is a committed triad, of course. The primary relationship should always come first...when that is solid, working things out while involving the secondaries is somewhat easier. Communicate with her...hopefully, she will communicate back. Here's a decent list of tools to have (also, back out to the main site. It seems to be full of good info). http://www.polyamorysociety.org/tools.html Master Fire

thetammyjo -> RE: A submissives place (7/6/2006 2:10:07 PM)
Most of us were likely raised to view monogamy as the height of love, the goal of love, thus it isn't surprising that when we try or do poly it can be difficult. The best way to cope is to be honest and to communicate about what you need. Remember while you may be a submissive or her submissive you are a person first and foremost. When you feel worried, let her know just don't use it to try and manipulate her or control her. If you find you are doing that, step back and access what exactly you feel you are missing or what you are worried about. If you feel up to it and it doesn't break your negotiated rules, perhaps try out poly yourself. Sometimes experiencing the responsibility of having multiplt partners can help us understand how much work (rewarding but still work) it is to be poly. Also remember that if in the end you find that you can't do poly, there's nothing wrong with that just don't expect her to change for you any more than she shoud expect you to change for her.

BBWDomme1 -> RE: A submissives place (7/6/2006 5:31:27 PM)
When you said "graduation"................That was from college yes?

ladylexington -> RE: A submissives place (7/6/2006 8:21:51 PM)
Check out "The Ethicial Slut." It has some great information on poly and open relationships.

HalfLife -> RE: A submissives place (7/7/2006 5:47:11 AM)
Yes I did mean graduate from college. Currently reading "The Ethical Slut." The rules and boundaries have been talked about and set was just wondering if the occasional irrational jealousy and worry would go away as became more experienced with it. I have thought about trying to be with another person but the idea is still foreign to me. I think in time I will work up to it. Another question is about training. My mistress has been doing this a while. I have liked everything she has done to me and trust her. I want to please and know that she enjoys needle play among other things that she has not yet tried on me due to me being new. Is there any way to let my mistress know I am ready or do I just let her train me at her pace. I sometimes feel out of place with her having so much more experience than me and worry that because of it she is not getting full fulfillment. Her having more experience than me is also another reason I asked what a good gift would be. Figure all mistresses have their own specific taste, but feel there are probably some similarities. So any suggestions?

Evanesce -> RE: A submissives place (7/7/2006 7:37:09 AM)
Usually, jealousy stems from insecurity and not knowing where you stand in terms of your place in your partner's life. As you become more secure and settled within your relationship, your feelings of jealousy should lessen and, hopefully, eventually disappear (mine did). If they do not, then you've got some work to do in overcoming this tendency. On the subject of needles, I'd say if you're ready to try it, tell her you'd like to try it. If she's as experienced as you say she is, she'll know enough to start you off slowly. As far as gifts go... I'm not the one to give you advice in this area, because I tend to want things that make others question my sanity. I've actually asked for a vacuum cleaner for Christmas.

WhiteRadiance -> RE: A submissives place (7/7/2006 7:50:45 AM)
You are a keeper! You sound incredibly sweet. I think it is human nature to be jealous, when others get attention, affection, or anything we want from the person we love. My dogs are jealous of one another, and it looks like it will stay that way! I don't think it makes you bad. It is hard to control core feelings. As far as gifts, make a mental note of what she likes. Lotions, perfumes, candles.. a book, perhaps. Take her to a fetish store. I personally like shoes! :) Bubble bath is nice, or a gift certificate to a spa..

planomaid -> RE: A submissives place (7/9/2006 7:45:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HalfLife Yes I did mean graduate from college. Currently reading "The Ethical Slut." The rules and boundaries have been talked about and set was just wondering if the occasional irrational jealousy and worry would go away as became more experienced with it. I have thought about trying to be with another person but the idea is still foreign to me. I think in time I will work up to it. Another question is about training. My mistress has been doing this a while. I have liked everything she has done to me and trust her. I want to please and know that she enjoys needle play among other things that she has not yet tried on me due to me being new. Is there any way to let my mistress know I am ready or do I just let her train me at her pace. I sometimes feel out of place with her having so much more experience than me and worry that because of it she is not getting full fulfillment. Her having more experience than me is also another reason I asked what a good gift would be. Figure all mistresses have their own specific taste, but feel there are probably some similarities. So any suggestions? I think the best suggestion anyone can give you is - never forget that communication is the key! You need to feel comfortable enough to tell her your biggest fears, and what you are truly thinking and feeling. Amazingly enough, dommes are NOT mind readers! :) They need for you to be honest with them. Lifestyle notwithstanding, trust and honesty are important for any relationship - and become even more paramount when you increase the number of people in that relationship! As far as experience goes, well, we all have to earn that through trying, learning, and hopefully not repeating the same mistake too often.

HalfLife -> RE: A submissives place (7/11/2006 7:54:54 AM)
Thank you all for your advice. I have another question if I may. My mistress introduced me to being a submissive and I enjoy it very much. In fact I love every minute of it. I think it will be the role I always prefer. However, I am curious as to trying out being dominant, although it is just curiosity and not something I feel I will ever need or have to do. Would this be something I should go somewhere else for or do dominant women occasionaly like to be submissive so I should ask my mistress? I know it varies probably from person to person but I thought I would ask for some input before I put my foot in my mouth in real life for something that is just a curiosity.

Jasmyn -> RE: A submissives place (7/11/2006 8:56:16 AM)
Yes, ask your Mistress, at the very least voice your interest in it and let her make a decision either way if she is want to.

thetammyjo -> RE: A submissives place (7/11/2006 9:06:17 AM)
I also wanted to add to my original post on this thread that every there is a new person, you may feel an upswing in feelings. I think that is normal to feel this way because new person is a new situation, a situation where you cannot predict what might happen. This is one reason I add folks slowly and if a relationship ends, I take some months off to mourn and reconnect with myself. Also that new relationship is not just one relationship, it is several. Let me explain using me and mine as an example. In the beginning was Tom and I = 1 relationship. Then we added a couple -- big mistake, too many relationships in the mix and things were never able to settle down. Tom and I added Faith = 4 relationships me and Tom me and Faith Tom and Faith the three of us Then we added Anna = 8 relationships at least me and Tom me and Faith Tom and Faith me and Anna Tom and Anna Faith and Anna the four of us three of us Then we added Fox = 13 relationships at least me and Tom me and Faith Tom and Faith me and Anna Tom and Anna Faith and Anna me and Fox Tom and Fox Faith and Fox Anna and Fox the five of us four of us three of us My point is that if you are poly, your lives will interconnect and each connection will have its own dynamic. Every new person is a new challenge and a new joy. But each needs time to adjust. If you take that time to adjust, if can go very very well but each needs time. Right now, its just back to our triad of me, Tom and Fox.

MistressTaboo -> RE: A submissives place (7/11/2006 9:41:07 AM)
Part of what you need to find out is what EXACTLY is your role in the relationship. I’m married to my slave, I play others, I even have sex with other men. But he knows without a shadow of a doubt when it’s all said and done I go home with him at the end…that in 40yrs we will be walking hand in hand on the beach joking about someone needing a paddling. Because he has this confidence in our relationship he can stand there and hand me toys when I play, go find condoms when I want to have sex with someone else. I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t think he was the ONE…but it doesn’t mean that I don’t occasionally crave what he can’t give me. But I also make sure that he has equal play time and we have equal down time where we are just a couple. As for the wanting to Dom part…I don’t think you are looking to Dom as much as you want to try Topping. A Dom has the whole power exchange, revel in their Dominance. A Top on the other hand plays a submissive or a bottom but there is no power exchange. My husband occasionally tops a submissive, sometimes by himself and sometimes with me, but always with my permission. For him it’s the novelty of using the toys used on him, to see how someone else reacts to it. Another book for you is SM101. Before you jump into this relationship…sit down and find out what your rolls are and then be honest with yourself if you can live with them. My husband has moments of envy, not jealously…envy that they are cumming and he’s not, or that they got played when he didn’t…But he’s instructed to bring me this feelings…he’s kept mostly chaste because it turns us both on to know he’s chaste when none of my other subs are. So that feeling is encouraged, but when he’s envious of their play time it’s my attention he’s looking for. We try and do a dinner and some play time for just us. Hope that help, Mistress Taboo

Calandra -> RE: A submissives place (7/11/2006 1:46:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Evanesce As far as gifts go... I'm not the one to give you advice in this area, because I tend to want things that make others question my sanity. I've actually asked for a vacuum cleaner for Christmas. ~chuckles~ I usually ask for things I really want/need for the household on holidays and my birthday. Only in recent years with a little financial security do I expect fun, or luxury gifts instead of useful ones....

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