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How to talk to people better? - 2/16/2014 11:46:23 PM

Kirasen

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Joined: 10/2/2013
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I come off rude sometimes.... Alot of the time... i speak my mind and recently someone told me that i can come off as rude. I want to know how to talk to people better. In my opinion i speak just fine, but i know I dont want to be alone forever. After my master died I lost my ways of existance, and i stoped caring about what people thought of me. I really stopped my life allmost completly, and I did bad things to get away from feeling like junk, like making my friends feel bad, saying things I didnt really mean, and even trying to cause horrible things that would make everyone else be broken too. I hate that I'm stuck here without him, I really did love him with what heart i have. Im trying to move forward though, that is my reasoning for this. I hope he will forgive me for continuing my life. I need to remember how to talk with restraint. I need to figure out how to say things with more kindness less attack. I want to know how not to get suckered into a flamers post, and how to not get mad online when someone insults me. Teach me what you know. Please.

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RE: How to talk to people better? - 2/17/2014 1:09:53 AM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
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From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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Your post touches on quite a few things so ...

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirasen

I come off rude sometimes.... Alot of the time... i speak my mind and recently someone told me that i can come off as rude. I want to know how to talk to people better.

Sometimes, people that speak their mind; especially when they're telling hard truths that people need to hear, are said to be rude. I find this happens when we touch a nerve that the other person isn't ready to deal with or doesn't want to deal with. This may not be entirely your fault.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirasen

In my opinion i speak just fine, but i know I dont want to be alone forever. After my master died I lost my ways of existance, and i stoped caring about what people thought of me. I really stopped my life allmost completly, and I did bad things to get away from feeling like junk, like making my friends feel bad, saying things I didnt really mean, and even trying to cause horrible things that would make everyone else be broken too.

There are some, when they are feeling badly, who will lash out at others as a way of keeping people at arm's-length. It's a defense mechanism.

I'm not advocating it by any stretch but, you've kind of already touched on my answer. You've been in a "downward spiral" since your master died. You're either stuck in the stages of grief or you may be into full-on depression. Please seek some help (even an evaluation to see if you need help)!

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirasen

I hate that I'm stuck here without him, I really did love him with what heart i have. Im trying to move forward though, that is my reasoning for this. I hope he will forgive me for continuing my life. I need to remember how to talk with restraint. I need to figure out how to say things with more kindness less attack.

This is troubling on a couple of levels; the one that screams the loudest to me is: "I hope he will forgive me for continuing my life." Jumpin' Jesus Christ on a Pogo stick! Do you really believe that he wanted anything but the best for you? I re-state my advice to seek counseling, please?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirasen

I want to know how not to get suckered into a flamers post, and how to not get mad online when someone insults me. Teach me what you know. Please.

This is just online bullshit. I can't count how many morons, twat waffles, douche canoes, liars and just plain stupid people that I have hidden because they have proven that what they have to say is far too insipid to be worthy of my time reading it or answering it.

I will say this: when using the written word it is imperative to take the time to fully express your thought because you don't have the advantages of tone of voice and other nuances that vocal communication offers.

Good luck,

Michael

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 2/17/2014 1:34:40 AM >

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RE: How to talk to people better? - 2/17/2014 1:17:42 AM

Rule

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Have you done grieving? Have you said good-bye? Are you indeed ready to move on?

The next step is to love yourself. For how can you love other people and be kind to them if you do not love yourself nor are kind to yourself?

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"I tend to pay attention when Rule speaks" - Aswad

"You are sweet, kind, and ever so smart, Rule. You ALWAYS stretch my mind and make me think further than I might have on my own" - Duskypearls

Si vis pacem, para bellum.

(in reply to Kirasen)

Post #: 3

RE: How to talk to people better? - 2/17/2014 1:45:56 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
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From: The cold bit of the UK
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Kirasen, I know how you feel.

When I lost my dad a couple of years ago I changed. I said what I thought, bluntly and honestly. People online and in real life used to wind me up and I used to go off like a firecracker. I felt guilty that I couldn't save my dad (I helped nurse him at home through a terminal condition), I was angry with everyone who seemed to be able to 'forget' him and get on with their life, and I was angry and frustrated with people who just didn't understand how shitty life can be and how hard it was for me.

Really, it was all about me.

I was lucky - I fell apart at work. Shouted at a poor guy I worked with, then cried. For hours and hours and hours. Next day, I went to see my doctor. He immediately diagnosed depression and put support in place.

Recently I lost a very dear friend and nearly lost another. Work has been hellish and I seriously considered ending it all. Thankfully I went to see my doc, and now I'm back on the road to recovery.

Grief is a bitch. It's an all-consuming, hateful bitch. But you can beat this bitch with help. Please, please go see a health professional and talk to them, frankly and honestly.

Remember - you are not alone. And your Master would want you to go on and continue to make him proud of you. I wish you luck.

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RE: How to talk to people better? - 2/17/2014 11:37:48 AM

servantforuse

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There is a book that has been around for ever. It's title is " How to make friends and influence people". I believe it was written for sales men back in the day but the advice in that book covers much more in day to day relationships with others.

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 5

RE: How to talk to people better? - 2/17/2014 11:52:06 AM

kalikshama

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Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

I come off rude sometimes.... Alot of the time... i speak my mind and recently someone told me that i can come off as rude. I want to know how to talk to people better.

It's hard to be rude if you stick with "I" statements..."I think...," "I feel...," etc. (Note: "I think you're a jerk" is not an I statement :P)

Here's more: http://www.humanpotentialcenter.org/Articles/IStatements.html and http://www.chopra.com/community/online-library/tips/conscious-communication

I've had workshops on conscious communication and active listening at a yoga center and by my church's minister, who is a Buddhist. There may be something similar in your community.

You may also wish to look for some support around grief.

Best of luck to you,

KK

(in reply to Kirasen)

Post #: 6

RE: How to talk to people better? - 2/17/2014 12:43:58 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
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From: Northern New Jersey
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What you need to do most of all is get counseling to deal with your feelings. You aren't ready for a relationship right now. You feel you need forgiveness for not dropping dead after your partner died, that's hardly something he would want.

You haven't moved past your loss. Please find a good therapist to help you with this.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 7

RE: How to talk to people better? - 2/17/2014 1:40:39 PM

Domnotlooking

Posts: 249
Joined: 8/11/2013
Status: offline

Consider googling loving kindness meditation.

Consider honoring him via your actions in daily life.

Occaisionly, I will take a moment to experience joy on behalf of a loved one who's gone and can no longer do so; a taste of food, the feeling of a breeze. I know not if this transmits to the great beyond, but it makes me feel better to offer up some love for someone so worthy. And being in the moment does me some good too.

I'm done being with her, but I'm not done loving her. Neither are you with your partner. Find outlets for that love that nourish you instead of destroying you.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 8

RE: How to talk to people better? - 2/17/2014 2:35:05 PM

HipPoindexter

Posts: 188
Joined: 12/20/2013
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I'm editing this because it was a dick post as Kana pointed out. I did not even read all of the OP I just thought I had a dumbass funny thing to say. My bad and I'm sorry to the OP.

I come off rude sometimes.... Alot of the time... i speak my mind and recently someone told me that i can come off as rude. I want to know how to talk to people better. In my opinion i speak just fine, but i know I dont want to be alone forever. After my master died I lost my ways of existance, and i stoped caring about what people thought of me. I really stopped my life allmost completly, and I did bad things to get away from feeling like junk, like making my friends feel bad, saying things I didnt really mean, and even trying to cause horrible things that would make everyone else be broken too. I hate that I'm stuck here without him, I really did love him with what heart i have. Im trying to move forward though, that is my reasoning for this. I hope he will forgive me for continuing my life. I need to remember how to talk with restraint. I need to figure out how to say things with more kindness less attack. I want to know how not to get suckered into a flamers post, and how to not get mad online when someone insults me. Teach me what you know. Please.
[/quote]

< Message edited by HipPoindexter -- 2/17/2014 2:40:01 PM >

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RE: How to talk to people better? - 2/17/2014 2:37:23 PM

Kana

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Before you press post, pause and ask yourself, "How would I feel if this missive was aimed at me?"

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RE: How to talk to people better? - 2/17/2014 2:40:15 PM

HipPoindexter

Posts: 188
Joined: 12/20/2013
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Yes, good call.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Before you press post, pause and ask yourself, "How would I feel if this missive was aimed at me?"

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RE: How to talk to people better? - 2/17/2014 3:15:17 PM

kdsub

Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline

It is easy to come off rude on message boards because there is often a lack of communication without seeing the body language… but that said… I believe the way to be respected on a message board is to say what you mean and understand the odds are not many will agree with you. It is not only ok but it is desired to speak with passion if you truly believe in a subject….BUT… the real secret is to not be afraid to say you were wrong. I see so many here argue for the sake of argument even when they know they are wrong.

Another attribute I believe is to apologize when it is appropriate. In the heat of a discussion I will say things that are not necessary. They are meant to show distain and frustration and don’t really reflect my personality…other than to say I’m human and loose my temper now and then. So I will apologize.

Finally…listen… I mean really listen to what others are saying… read all their post and try to figure why they think the way they do. I am guilty sometimes of jumping on the first thing in a post that I don’t agree with and don’t even read the rest… not smart.

Finally…understand just because someone vehemently disagrees with you does not make them a bad person. There are many here I argue with all the time…but I like them and respect them even thought they are dumb asses… I mean mistaken.

I forgot to mention… lighten up now and then and just have fun.

Butch

< Message edited by kdsub -- 2/17/2014 3:17:16 PM >

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RE: How to talk to people better? - 2/17/2014 3:22:47 PM

windchymes

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I'm not going to address the whole OP because there are already some very good things posted. But I do have to ask, why does your master need to forgive you for continuing on with your life??? Would he not have wanted you to?

Of course he would have. And it would be to his honor for you to live a good life and do good things, wouldn't it?

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RE: How to talk to people better? - 2/17/2014 4:45:55 PM

HipPoindexter

Posts: 188
Joined: 12/20/2013
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Here is some legit advice about moving on that worked for a friend of mine whose first love, with whom she had a very deep (if dysfunctional) Daddy/daughter relationship, died suddenly:

There were certainly times you can think back and remember him as someone who primarily wanted you to be happy and would have wanted you to get on with your life. Think of his as him being at his best, at his most loving, and picture him at his best. When someone we love dies, we can remember them at their best and those good feelings can be indelible because, just as they will never be around to fix their mistakes, they also aren't around to make any new mistakes to sully their good intentions. So remember the people you love who move on as they would want to be remembered, as the kind of person they wanted to be, as showing you the kind of love they could show you when they were at their best.

This advice also worked for me when my real father, a real sonofabitch whom I loved dearly, died.

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RE: How to talk to people better? - 2/17/2014 5:03:29 PM

PeonForHer

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Kirasen,

I'd say, learn to value gentleness. On yourself first, then on others. That's all.

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RE: How to talk to people better? - 2/17/2014 8:11:09 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You appear to be suffering from clinical depression. This is unlikely to lift on its own. Please get evaluated for this and then seek treatment. I find a combination of medication and therapy is the most successful.

Medication will fix the problems with your brain chemicals, lifting the depression. Once lifted, you will then be much more able to learn better coping skills.

In the meantime: Make a list of things you used to enjoy but no longer do. Then do at least one of those things every single day. Don't worry if you aren't taking any joy in them. In time that will return.

If you are having thoughts or plans about hurting yourself or others, then go to the nearest ER. That qualifies as the definition of a psychiatric emergency.

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RE: How to talk to people better? - 2/17/2014 10:18:23 PM

dcnovice

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Joined: 8/2/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: servantforuse

There is a book that has been around for ever. It's title is " How to make friends and influence people". I believe it was written for sales men back in the day but the advice in that book covers much more in day to day relationships with others.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1392704133&sr=1-1&keywords=dale+carnegie

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RE: How to talk to people better? - 2/18/2014 1:10:35 AM

Rule

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Joined: 12/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

You appear to be suffering from clinical depression. This is unlikely to lift on its own. Please get evaluated for this and then seek treatment. I find a combination of medication and therapy is the most successful.

Medication will fix the problems with your brain chemicals, lifting the depression. Once lifted, you will then be much more able to learn better coping skills.

In the meantime: Make a list of things you used to enjoy but no longer do. Then do at least one of those things every single day. Don't worry if you aren't taking any joy in them. In time that will return.

If you are having thoughts or plans about hurting yourself or others, then go to the nearest ER. That qualifies as the definition of a psychiatric emergency.

Good posting. Quoted for truth.

Also get out and walk somewhere pleasant. Be active, even if you do not feel like it.

_____________________________

"I tend to pay attention when Rule speaks" - Aswad

"You are sweet, kind, and ever so smart, Rule. You ALWAYS stretch my mind and make me think further than I might have on my own" - Duskypearls

Si vis pacem, para bellum.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 18

RE: How to talk to people better? - 2/18/2014 7:45:03 AM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
Status: offline

People have different communicating styles and, unless you know what style the person you're communicating with is, it can be a guessing game. What makes it even more difficult is that tone is hard to relay in a written medium. I'm a highly sarcastic person, which doesn't come off well when written, so I try to avoid sarcasm.

But, I'm not so convinced that's your problem. Sounds like you're hurting and often times those inner feelings come out and are reflected in our words. Intentional or not.
The best advice on this thread, IMO, is first take care of yourself then start worrying about how you come across to others. If you're in a good place, you may not need to work on the communicating to others.

(in reply to Kirasen)

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RE: How to talk to people better? - 2/18/2014 11:32:09 AM

JeffBC

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Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirasen
I hope he will forgive me for continuing my life.

Carol has the opposite problem. I have made it abundantly clear to her that should I die first she has six months... that's six months start to finish... for moping around, eating ice cream, and generally being annoying to everyone around her. After that, if she hasn't gotten her life together and is out there actively seeking some guy to love her the way she deserves to be loved then I'm coming back to haunt her ass.... white sheets, chains, randomly ghostly noises in the middle of the night... the whole nine yards.

What I would not forgive her for is failing to continue her life. Frankly, I'd prefer if she did it the day after I died but that's probably unreasonable. All of that is because... you know... I love her and I want what is best for her.

Enjoy the Ride

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I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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Post #: 20

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