Career or Love (Full Version)

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OvidInDallas -> Career or Love (2/20/2014 8:30:10 PM)

This isn't a question limited to D/s but it's something that I've been thinking about for several hours after a comment by someone I respect:

Does it show a lack of commitment to creating a F/m relationship if you have career plans that could involve an international relocation in 3-4 years? Especially if you are currently single and looking. Should the male potentially limit his career in the hopes of finding a FLR and does a FLR automatically mean that the male's career should take the backseat?

I hadn't thought about this in terms of the D/s dynamic because in the past I have always discussed career moves and such with my partner when I was in a relationship and made decisions based on those factors. I've honestly never considered making career plans based on the potential those plans might have on a non-existent relationship that might appear before a decision needs to be made.

I guess a simpler question is: would you take a gamble on a relationship with a guy if there was a chance he might have to move in 3-4 years? Would him telling you that there was a potential that he might move signal that he wasn't serious about relationships? I'm not sure what the right answer is or if there even is a right answer but it is an interesting question to me.



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: Career or Love (2/20/2014 8:56:00 PM)

When I was single and looking, it wouldn't have mattered to me. It's 3-4 years away, so anything could happen. You might not even be seeing each other by then. Conversely, you could be engaged and she might be willing to move with you. Or you might decide moving for your career isn't what you want anymore. Another factor would be where she's at in her career and what her field is. If she's in a field where she needs to be someplace like New York or Los Angeles, because that's where her industry is focused, then it might be an issue. However, if she's in a career field like mine (writing) then she can, literally, work from anywhere. Alternately, she might have skills (clerical, bookkeeping, etc.) that could easily transfer to another area.

I think the more important question is whether or not you feel you can make that level of commitment. If you do, then it's something you'll discuss with any potential dominants, just like you would a vanilla partner. A FLR is still a relationship. Kink doesn't change the basics. However, if you don't feel you can make a long-term commitment, then you'll want to be up-front about only wanting something casual because of your career path.



seekingreality -> RE: Career or Love (2/20/2014 10:23:57 PM)

Three or four years is a long time away, and anything can happen. Personally, my introduction to women wouldn't be, "Hey, you're great, but as an FYI, it's possible I may move out of the country in three to four years." Unless that move is 100% locked down and imminent, you don't need to tell anyone that.



Blonderfluff -> RE: Career or Love (2/20/2014 10:47:59 PM)

Hell. No you shouldn't alter ANY of your career plans or hopes "just in case" you find the right woman ! As long as you are clear once you begin a dialog, I would think that your career aspirations would be a positive, not a negative. The right woman for you will want what's best for you as a person, a man and not just as a submissive.



ExiledTyrant -> RE: Career or Love (2/20/2014 11:02:17 PM)

We have two very notorious... Well, maybe more respected people on these boards, and I'm sure they will chime in soon. MP & LP have skipped all over hell's half acre for his career. That is winding down now and they are about to settle in for the long haul. But in the reality of it all, the long haul was in their beginning.

Any woman deserving of you... Wrap your mind around that one, she deserves you, and you deserve her... Needs to know, and I hope, will know what she is signing up for. Your submission is submission to the DYNAMIC, you must control your life and make it the best life possible for the woman that deserves you. You will find her, and you'll find a lot that don't deserve you, chalk it up as a learning experience. But when you find her, she will be awesome, because you controlling your life, being assertive and making the best choices gives her the /s that is going to do right and make the best choices he can make for the dynamic.

Jus sayin
Exiled



DaddySatyr -> RE: Career or Love (2/20/2014 11:41:52 PM)

The best advice I can give you is going to seem kind of convoluted.

Be who you are. Simple. If your career is a driving force in your life; if it's a part of who you are, be that.

Any lady that demands that you give up your dreams doesn't care enough about you to be worth your while.

Just be.

ETA: Too many people spend far too much time searching and not enough time just waiting for the person that fits into their life to enter into it. /edit



Good luck,



Michael



LadyConstanze -> RE: Career or Love (2/21/2014 12:26:29 AM)

In all fairness, if a woman would ask me if she should put her career on the backburner for a guy she hasn't met yet, I would tell her she's a bit nuts, why would I tell a guy something different?



FieryOpal -> RE: Career or Love (2/21/2014 2:36:13 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: OvidInDallas

This isn't a question limited to D/s but it's something that I've been thinking about for several hours after a comment by someone I respect:

Does it show a lack of commitment to creating a F/m relationship if you have career plans that could involve an international relocation in 3-4 years? Especially if you are currently single and looking.


This may not be limited to D/s, but since that is what you seek, I'd have to answer this in three tiers based on FLR commitment level:

1. Domme already has a primary partner or you are one of multiple subs - Non-issue.

2. Domme seeks primary partner - Find out how tentatively relocateable she might be, and within what general timeframe (no restrictions, 1-2 years or more, not likely if she has kids in school to uproot or an elderly parent she may have to care for).

3. Domme seeks sub husband or lifelong partner - If you plan to put your career first, you have no business seeking out a Mistress who falls in this category unless she's also willing to put your career advancement ahead of hers in the best interests of a potential marriage. Too many variables to consider until you can offer greater stability.



GoddessManko -> RE: Career or Love (2/21/2014 6:07:39 AM)

quote:



3. Domme seeks sub husband or lifelong partner - If you plan to put your career first, you have no business seeking out a Mistress who falls in this category unless she's also willing to put your career advancement ahead of hers in the best interests of a potential marriage. Too many variables to consider until you can offer greater stability.


This is categorically what he is seeking. If she has a career/business/plans/family etc of her own, and she is the one LEADING the relationship, then he should be open to whatever path life may take them, including putting her plans before his own.



GoddessManko -> RE: Career or Love (2/21/2014 6:10:42 AM)

In my opinion in response to most replies, it is unrealistic to expect the Dominant partner to rearrange her life completely to accommodate him, while on his end, there is no intentions of doing the same. And that, to me...is CRAZY.



RedMagic1 -> RE: Career or Love (2/21/2014 7:50:01 AM)

~ fast reply ~

Very few lifestyle relationships last three years.



ExiledTyrant -> RE: Career or Love (2/21/2014 9:02:33 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

In my opinion in response to most replies, it is unrealistic to expect the Dominant partner to rearrange her life completely to accommodate him, while on his end, there is no intentions of doing the same. And that, to me...is CRAZY.


I can do my job from anywhere. I'm sure I'm not alone in that respect.

Jus sayin
Exiled



SeekingTrinity -> RE: Career or Love (2/21/2014 9:48:38 AM)

~FRing it~

Someone else above me pointed out what I too was thinking...3 to 4 years is quite a bit of time away. Is this career move a guaranteed thing or is it just on the table as far as a possibility goes? When you first meet someone and begin dating, it's not really one of those "we're going to be together forever" from the get go things. So why not enjoy life right at the moment? Since that takes time, Id not put my personal life on hold waiting for what might or might not happen. If asked about career plans, I would be honest about the potential. But unless your "career plan" is being incarcerated in the TDCJ, just live your life and see where it takes you [:)]



LadyPact -> RE: Career or Love (2/21/2014 9:52:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant
We have two very notorious... Well, maybe more respected people on these boards, and I'm sure they will chime in soon. MP & LP have skipped all over hell's half acre for his career. That is winding down now and they are about to settle in for the long haul. But in the reality of it all, the long haul was in their beginning.


Jus sayin
Exiled

Thank you for thinking of us, but I don't know if it's a fair comparison. In our case, it was pretty obvious from day one that his career wasn't always going to be in the same spot, so it wasn't a discussion that we had to have. It was already known.

To the OP, would I take the gamble? Yes. Nobody knows how things are going to turn out when they are just beginning. All kinds of things could happen between now and when your career would have you looking at that relocation. Like Syl said, you could just as easily find a woman who's career would allow for that in her life or you might want to make different choices based on what the relationship brings you. Would you really want to cheat yourself out of meeting somebody wonderful just because it can't be a life long relationship?




kalikshama -> RE: Career or Love (2/21/2014 10:04:29 AM)

I don't think you or your potential FLR can make any decisions based on "might move in 3-4 years."

I moved in with a woman (platonically) who didn't tell me initially that the co-owner of the house was getting out of jail in 18 months and we'd have to move out. I'm not sure how much notice she gave me, but it was at least 6 months, and by then I was ready to move on. I don't care that she didn't tell me that upfront.

In January of 2011, I committed to moving back to Massachusetts in May and gave notice at work. Because my move was now a sure thing, I then stopped looking for a serious relationship there in Florida.



GoddessManko -> RE: Career or Love (2/21/2014 10:14:37 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant


quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

In my opinion in response to most replies, it is unrealistic to expect the Dominant partner to rearrange her life completely to accommodate him, while on his end, there is no intentions of doing the same. And that, to me...is CRAZY.


I can do my job from anywhere. I'm sure I'm not alone in that respect.

Jus sayin
Exiled


Yes, I can also do my job from anywhere because I work for myself and from home. But some people do have other responsibilities aside from that. When two people share one life, there is constant ebb and flow. Compromise. And like many said, nothing is promised, INCLUDING this job in 3 years that MAY or MAY not be available.
Now hypothetically if it isn't, then what?
There needs to be a plan B, C, D, E etc...at least in my personal experience. There is a saying: Men make plans and God laughs.
Even if one is not a theist, the saying still qualifies in regards to hypotheticals. If she's going to be his life partner, then SURELY she is worth sacrifice IF there is wiggle room at all on where and when (in reference to his future plans).



RedMagic1 -> RE: Career or Love (2/21/2014 10:55:18 AM)

Another general thought:

I don't think this is an FLR issue as much as it is a "date someone with maturity and responsibility" issue. Most women who interest me are going to have one or more of: kids, property, career, aging relatives. All of those might affect her ability to move. I might need to live other places for extended periods, not clear. The way the lady I'm seeing now handled it when I told her that I might need to spend 2015 in, e.g., Singapore, was by saying, "I can find a lot of things to keep me busy in Singapore."

OvidInDallas, a line I've used that you might want to try on for size is, "I want to find someone where we care enough about each other that when special life opportunities come up, we will need to have serious, heartfelt conversations."

Point being: don't predict the answer, or guarantee any outcome, because you can't. Try you best to guarantee that you will make any such decisions in good faith, whatever that means at the time you are staring the opportunity in the face.



ExiledTyrant -> RE: Career or Love (2/21/2014 11:02:02 AM)

GoddesManko, we're on the same bus, just in different rows, looking through different windows. I encourage him to hammer out the details of his life, get those details up front, and the right woman that will own him will be the one that has the flexibility to maneuver through his life, and most likely captain the ship of his life as he defines it, steering him from shoal, reef, and sandbar.

Exiled



OvidInDallas -> RE: Career or Love (2/21/2014 11:15:04 AM)

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your input and advice. It has been really helpful. I think I have a better handle on how I should approach this issue in future both in my head and to prospective romantic partners. I think I am pretty much on the same page with everyone, but seeing how others view the question helped me to frame it in better terms for myself.

Gratefully,
Ovid



mummyman321 -> RE: Career or Love (2/21/2014 3:30:38 PM)

This comes from a person who's career has had him travel to 20+ countries for work and lived on 3 different continents.

I would never hesitate to go into a FLT relationship just because my job had on the road and knowing it would be possible my company would ask I take a temporary assignment in a different country.

Before I got married, my wife and I had a long talk about future work possibilities. This included moving to other countries for several years and also doing short term assignment (3 to 6 months) in other countries. We both worked. We both loved our jobs. We both made the decision we would deal with whatever came our way. The big part for me was talking about it a lot.

The only difficulty I have experienced is after my wife passed away was finding someone who was experienced in the lifestyle that enjoyed many of the things I did. My home town is not big into the BDSM scene. Going to munches, parties etc was problematic as many times I would be on the road. So going to monthly parties 3 or 4 times in a row to try and date someone was not working. So instead of looking at my home town I started looking at where I was traveling too. I ended up meeting someone in one of my travel locations. My company was bugging me to take a temporary assignment to the one location so I ended up taking a 2 year assignment in Germany. I can honestly say I am so happy I made that move.

My point here is I do not think you need to make a career versus love decision. It is possible to have both. I would encourage you to talk and be open with your SO. She may or may no be open to relocating. But you never know until you talk about it. And you may find the person of your dreams in the place you relocate to!



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