RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

StrongSpirit -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/22/2014 6:05:03 PM)

In my personal experience the ONLY people that give the kind of info those guys are asking for that quickly are one of the following:


1) Very Desperate - with good reason to be desperate

2) Tall, strong male subs that are way too confident in the ability to defend themselves from psychos.

3) Liars looking for an online only relationship (no, the info they give is not true).

I suggest you give out your info slowly, building it up as you trust the person on the other line. Don't give out last names, addresses, etc till you have met in a neutral place.

In my experience the real people here (ignoring the MANY obvious scammers) are more trustworthy than people you meet on other free websites. We definitely are better than Craigslist, and usually better than OKCupid and Plenty of Fish. But that is not saying much. (Keep in mind I did meet my wonderful partner on OKCupid - but she left the site before we became exclusive because she had bad experiences with other men there.)

The web is not a small town mixer, it is Time square in the 1980's with porn stores everywhere and Hell's Kitchen just around the corner.



unsuresub93 -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/23/2014 9:04:45 AM)

Thank you so much to everyone for all of your advice. After reading all of this I realize that I'm not crazy to follow my instincts :)

In response to LafayetteLady, the reason I'm reluctant to give out my name and town is that on my first time on here, I was really stupid and when a guy kept pushing and wouldn't leave me alone, I finally gave him a name and town (I know now I should have just blocked him). It wasn't my real name or town, I just really wanted him to leave me alone. Then, when he told me we "had" to meet, and I told him no, he said he would contact the fake town's newspaper and tell them that I was into BDSM. That really freaked me out, and when I went looking I then found the block button (I wish I'd found it sooner!)
I'm not ashamed of my curiosity into BDSM, however I'm so new to it that I don't want it broadcasted around while I'm still trying to get used to it. So that's why I don't feel comfortable giving out personal information.

Once again, thank you for all the advice. I feel much more comfortable now then when I started. I'll definitely be coming back and look forward to learning more.

Thanks!

~Unsure

P.S. I was using S/D in reference to a submissive/dominant relationship. :)



LafayetteLady -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/23/2014 11:06:23 AM)

I can see why that would make you reluctant. I actually had someone try that on me once. I wished them luck.

With nothing more than a first name, no one is likely able to track you, unless it is an unusual name. As for his threat are you some high profile person that a newspaper would care what you do in your private time?

Regardless, there are a lot of jerks who will try anything to get you to do what you want. Most are empty threats that don't mean anything, but always be careful and use that block button.



Apocalypso -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/23/2014 3:29:03 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: unsuresub93
Then, when he told me we "had" to meet, and I told him no, he said he would contact the fake town's newspaper and tell them that I was into BDSM.

For the record, I sometimes freelance for the local paper. And anyone who rang us up with that as a 'story' would get laughed at. There's no news value in it, at all. (Probably not even if you were a celeb, at least for the local media). Unless there's a planning permission issue. We're dead into planning permission issues.



LadyConstanze -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/23/2014 3:36:23 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Apocalypso


quote:

ORIGINAL: unsuresub93
Any advice?

Tell them to "fuck off".


Being grumpy because I still haven't gotten rid of the sinusitis, I'd tell her to do something like

Dear Sir,

I think we're not a good fit, I submissively think you are a jerk and suggest you fuck off, if you still think you're dominant, I suggest you practise with a hand puppet, your social skills suck!

Tata



Greta75 -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/23/2014 8:41:06 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: unsuresub93

Hello,

I am new to BDSM and to CM. I've had a lot of doms approach me and start messaging me, and I usually message back because I want to learn more. But then most start asking for pictures, personal details (i.e. name, age, state, town, place of work or school, etc), and when I don't feel comfortable giving them, I get yelled at and told that a submissive is supposed to be trusting and is supposed to obey the dom.
My question is, doesn't it work both ways? Why must it be the submissive who shares everything, and has to be the trusting one? I understood that BDSM is about trust, on both parts. I don't want a dom who is just going to demand things and not care that I only "met" him minutes before. Any advice?


You will soon get used to it! Lots of immature self-proclaim doms, despite being in their 40's to 50's for some, loitering around collarme, looking for an easy fuck unfortunately, and what you have experienced are these fake doms. My definition of a fake dom is a vanilla dude who can't get laid in vanilla setting, and thought that sub women would be easier pickings, since all they gotta do is command the sub to fuck them, and it would magically be as easy as that. But of course when they slowly learn they are delusional, they get abusive and throw a girly tantrum, which of course exposes what a bunch of little sissies they are. They should've been sub men, they make me wanna take a whip to them and I bet they'll cry like babies. I think it's 100% failure when a dominant man makes me feel dominant towards him cuz his behaving like a child, and my motherly instincts comes up to wanna discipline him, even when they are 20+ yr older than me. That's major fail! Here I am trying to be a sub!

I recently got one who insist that I was a scam, because I refuse to send him my picture. I informed him that I have never even asked him for money, but have asked him to describe thoroughly his bdsm experiences and how are we suitable for each other kink-wise. Also, sending him a picture does not prove I am not a scam. I could send him anybody's picture and claim it was me. He just goes, "Wah!! Wah!! Wah!! No Picture, you are a fake, you're trying to scam men, I got a picture in my profile to prove that I am genuine, but you don't! Wah!! Wah!! Wah!!" Anyway, just a little baby crying. Needs a dildo stuck up his ass! See how these "dominant" men turns me dominant over them? Ridiculous!




FieryOpal -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/24/2014 4:07:30 AM)

Just accept the fact that you're on a kink site and that the men who contact you will be more obnoxious and demanding than they would be on a vanilla dating site.
You're a female. Most of these guys don't care who Tops them or bottoms for them as long as she was born with female parts.
The good news is, on this site, we can have the pick of the litter - femsubs, female switches and Dommes - so don't let any of these Doms fool you into thinking otherwise.
Don't be surprised if you are contacted by male subs. Remember, natural-born female parts are highly sought after.

Bear in mind that this is the Internet. These same safety guidelines can apply to any singles site. Don't make it any easier for a potential stalker to find out about you.

1. Never give out your real name. Never. Not until after you've met someone in person you feel comfortable around and take a liking to. Think of yourself as a writer using a nom de plume, or a celebrity who's changed her name. If you haven't already, choose the name you wish you'd been born with, or go by your middle name, preferably a variation of it. The key is to identify with this name and for it to have sentimental significance attached to it. I don't even give out my real name to other females, and in order to preserve my integrity, I let others know this is not my real name but the name I'm going by. There's also nothing wrong with continuing to use your user name when signing messages or the initials of it. Count on not being given their real name either but the kink-personality name they've assumed.
2. Never list the actual city where you reside. Pick one nearby so you can make slight mental adjustments in distance in calculating how far away somebody is from you. Chances are they haven't listed their actual location either unless they live in a big city.
3. Don't be so specific about your job or company name to make it locatable. You don't have to be evasive when asked what do you do, but you have every right to be vague. You don't open the door by asking them either, and expect to be given misleading information. If something doesn't add up, then ask for clarification.
4. Let them tell you more about themselves than you do about yourself or your personal circumstances.
5. Try to learn some general family history if possible once you do start exchanges messages. Reluctance to discuss their family or marital history may be a sign that you're dealing with a married man, so be on the alert for that.
6. Don't let your guard down. You have no idea whom you're dealing with. Some guys have no intention of ever meeting in person and get their rocks off leading girls on or have so misrepresented themselves that they are nothing like their picture or how they've described themselves.
7. DO be truthful about your physical description, don't use photos that are older than 2 years old or another woman's photos. You want a man to want you and accept you for yourself.
8. Be patient. The good ones are worth the wait.

Best of luck and success.

ETA: If and when you get to the first meeting phase, make sure it is a public place (nowhere secluded like a park or hiking trail, out in the desert, or in wooded mountains), a neutral location that isn't one of your favorite hang-outs. Have independent transportation and meet him there. (If you do start dating, then he can come pick you up and take you home.) Do not under any circumstances get into his vehicle to go to a secondary location. Offer to follow him in your own car, and on the first date it's best not to leave for either his place nor yours. It's only a meeting/intro date to see whether you both have mutual chemistry, compatibility, and want to start seeing one another.



kalikshama -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/24/2014 5:49:00 PM)

Sorry you had that freaky experience :(

Trust your gut and get quicker with the block button :)

I live South of Boston, and when I was looking, put "South Shore" for my city and used the zip code of a nearby town. Of course, men who were interested wanted to know where on the South Shore, but you get a sense from the conversation when and to whom it is right to give this info.

When I was new, a lot of the non fiction in the booklist helped me get comfortable: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

I think you should change your username. It's like chum for those who prey on the new and vulnerable. I deliberately chose something vanilla - I'm a yoga teacher, and made my name from two Hindu deities.

BTW, it's D/s, not S/D :)



seekingreality -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/24/2014 9:37:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: unsuresub93

Hello,

I am new to BDSM and to CM. I've had a lot of doms approach me and start messaging me, and I usually message back because I want to learn more. But then most start asking for pictures, personal details (i.e. name, age, state, town, place of work or school, etc), and when I don't feel comfortable giving them, I get yelled at and told that a submissive is supposed to be trusting and is supposed to obey the dom.
My question is, doesn't it work both ways? Why must it be the submissive who shares everything, and has to be the trusting one? I understood that BDSM is about trust, on both parts. I don't want a dom who is just going to demand things and not care that I only "met" him minutes before. Any advice?


If a dominant acted that way with me I'd either:

1. Just block them.

2. Or if I wanted to give them a chance I'd write: "We need some clarification here. Just because I identify as submissive, that doesn't mean I am submissive to the world. You should no expect me to provide you with my personal information, or to let you make demands of me, than if we were two vanilla people on match.com. If that bothers, go away. Cause if you make one more demand or ask for my personal information, I'll just block. So let's reboot. And approach me as human being, not as a "submissive," because at this point I am not submissive to you in the least. And if I do become submissive to you, it won't happen quickly. So if that isn't what you want, feel free to talk to someone else. If you agree with all that, tell me about the aspects of your life that have absolutely nothing to do with kink or BDSM. (And as a fair warning -- if you and I do end up talking about kink and BDSM, that also won't be happening any time soon.)"



petitespot -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/25/2014 5:09:10 PM)

Tell them to just fuck off when they pull that online dom crap.



windchymes -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/25/2014 5:32:30 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Apocalypso


quote:

ORIGINAL: unsuresub93
Then, when he told me we "had" to meet, and I told him no, he said he would contact the fake town's newspaper and tell them that I was into BDSM.

For the record, I sometimes freelance for the local paper. And anyone who rang us up with that as a 'story' would get laughed at. There's no news value in it, at all. (Probably not even if you were a celeb, at least for the local media). Unless there's a planning permission issue. We're dead into planning permission issues.


This is one of those "use your common sense" moments. Do you really think someone is going to call a local newspaper and say, "Hey, Susy Sunshine is into BDSM!" And then the presses screech to a halt, the media blitz begins, vans with news crews pull up in front of your house, hoping to catch a glimpse of someone into BDSM??? Front page headline with photos? The tabloids offer a million dollars for a fuzzy photo taken with a telescopic lens? I mean, really????

Instead of cowering in terror, for heaven's sake, laugh at them, call their bluff, offer them your FAKE phone number and driver's license number, too. And then call them pencildick, like I did the other night when I received the "come here slut" email from some moron, lol.

Common sense! Stop giving idiots so much power over you!



MarcEsadrian -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/25/2014 5:40:23 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: unsuresub93

I am new to BDSM and to CM. I've had a lot of doms approach me and start messaging me, and I usually message back because I want to learn more. But then most start asking for pictures, personal details (i.e. name, age, state, town, place of work or school, etc), and when I don't feel comfortable giving them, I get yelled at and told that a submissive is supposed to be trusting and is supposed to obey the dom.

My question is, doesn't it work both ways? Why must it be the submissive who shares everything, and has to be the trusting one? I understood that BDSM is about trust, on both parts. I don't want a dom who is just going to demand things and not care that I only "met" him minutes before. Any advice?


Interest requires context in human beings. Those who grasp too quickly for loyalties not yet rationally established are found wanting in experience and respect for the mind craft necessary to wield influence over another. As it has been already said several times in this thread, it's more often than not a sign of predation. That said, it's important not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, either. One can get too caught up in jumping at shadows of BDSM bogeymen, too, missing out on exploring some personalities who simply have a level of protocol to exchange that is a bit more "direct" but no less authentic than those who operate in several slow and polite advances. Chances are exceptionally good, however, that if they are approaching you first and virtually shouting commands, they're of the fool variety.



slavekate80 -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/26/2014 10:44:29 AM)

I think anyone who demands a lot of personal details right from the beginning fails a basic intelligence test; they have no clue how to get good responses. Most people, sub or not, aren't going to be comfortable giving that out and will find it off-putting. "Don't give personally identifying info to strangers" is basic Internet safety, stuff kids learn. Even very submissive people usually hesitate. Maybe even more so. I know I'd have a lot of difficulty taking action to protect myself from someone, so it's especially important to build some trust first and give information out slowly as that trust develops and deepens.

One can be direct and even forceful while keeping the level of self-disclosure on both ends appropriate for the situation. And while there's variance in how quickly different people and different pairs grow trust, "giving home address on the first message" is going to be outside almost everyone's comfort zone.



fucktoyprincess -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/26/2014 11:15:12 AM)

At the end of the day this is the Internet, and so you should approach any interaction here with anyone with an eye to your own personal safety. This cannot be emphasized enough. Lot of excellent advice here already - so yes, trust your gut, and don't forget you already know a lot about how to keep yourself safe, so use your head. You are interacting with complete strangers here and you should always be cautious about sharing personal information until you have a better sense of who you are dealing with on the other side of the emails

With that said, I see in your profile that you list your location as Canada. Is some of the interest in where you live simply coming from people who are trying to narrow down the geographic location at least a little bit to see if they are anywhere even near to you? I'm just wondering if there is something you can do to narrow down the geographic location a teeny bit without running the risk of identifying the exact place where you are. Of course, if you are willing to meet someone from anywhere in the country, I guess it doesn't matter, but I would think you would be interested in starting a search at least somewhat closer to you.

I live in a big city, so it isn't difficult for me to share location and still remain unknown. I suspect you live in a smaller place where you are more concerned about others finding out about your BDSM interests. I wonder if others who live in smaller locales have any specific advice on how to deal with that issue.



MarcEsadrian -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/26/2014 12:30:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekate80

I think anyone who demands a lot of personal details right from the beginning fails a basic intelligence test; they have no clue how to get good responses. Most people, sub or not, aren't going to be comfortable giving that out and will find it off-putting.


Exactly. The above bypasses dialog and seduction, which is usually necessary for humans. What I prefer are more like impressions that I get from conversation. Usually there is a friendly opening discussion that leads, eventually, to kicking around D/s / M/s theory, and what we’re both looking for. I pay very close attention to that prior to delving further with anyone online. I have no interest in any woman, no matter how lovely her posterior or how well worded her profile, until she demonstrates rationalism and a fair grasp of the basic elements I require in a potential slave. A discussion on theory is a great logic test. She doesn’t have to have it all figured out yet, nor must she have X amount of years experience, but she should have her head screwed on right. The latter point sounds a bit facetious, but experiencing a lengthy and half-crazy conversation that doesn't add up one too many times on networks such as these has made me rather wary. You always need to crack open the shell and see what you're dealing with on a conceptual level, I think, before proceeding further. I have no need to know more about someone until I find they're worth knowing more about.



FieryOpal -> RE: Trusting in S/D Relationships (2/26/2014 3:03:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: fucktoyprincess

I live in a big city, so it isn't difficult for me to share location and still remain unknown. I suspect you live in a smaller place where you are more concerned about others finding out about your BDSM interests. I wonder if others who live in smaller locales have any specific advice on how to deal with that issue.

Chances are a major city shouldn't be an issue. If practicable, choose the nearest major city or one which has its own airport. I live in a rural area and didn't list a larger city, just one(s) which I rarely if ever visit. I'm able to stay within a 10-15 mile radius and wouldn't go beyond a 20-mile variance, if it can be helped.

I had a Dom of all people tell me he knew a Domme in *my* town who had never heard of me (my user name), as if we all hang out together. Quite presumptuous of him to assume I go by my user name any other place than here on CM, because he had to throw in there that he couldn't find me on FL. Big f-ing deal. I told him not everyone is an extrovert, and I have no interest in being on FL. I ended up having to block him because when I was not forthcoming with more specific info, he made the snide comment no wonder I was still looking for someone (I'd only signed up 2-3 days earlier.) since I must lead a lonely life with no friends. [8|] Arsehat.

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

2. Never list the actual city where you reside. Pick one nearby so you can make slight mental adjustments in distance in calculating how far away somebody is from you. Chances are they haven't listed their actual location either unless they live in a big city.


OP, you may want to list a city near your workplace instead, especially if you could arrange to meet someone for an intro during your lunch hour. Not a place where you regularly shop for groceries, attend church, or spend your weekends visiting friends and relatives.

You might want to consider taking kalikshama's advice about changing your user name (to a less predator-attracting one). You'll have to open a brand new account, I believe, which is better to do sooner than waiting later.



Page: <<   < prev  1 [2]

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
6.347656E-02