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Need help with bdsm lifestyle - 2/24/2014 11:40:34 AM   
MistresSamanthaa


Posts: 1
Joined: 2/24/2014
Status: offline 		Hi Ladies! I am looking for a mistress that can help me become a better mistress. My bf and I want this lifestyle, he has always been into it and I want it but dont know what I am doing or how to live the bdsm lifestyle, just game sessions. I have read so many stories and done my research but reading a story is not really helpful when wanting to live it. I just would like someone that can point me in the right direction and assist in training me into the best mistress I can be. I have always had the dominating personality and sex life but need to incorprate it into the actual lifestyle. Thank you so much for any help... I really appreciate it!!!! -Misstress Samantha (in training)
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Need help with bdsm lifestyle - 2/24/2014 11:43:16 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		That's simple, you sit down and write what you like and what you want to do and what you want him to do, then you sit down with him and check what is against his hard limits, you reach an agreement and you start, you review in say a month and are both honest with each other... Experiment, have fun...

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to MistresSamanthaa)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Need help with bdsm lifestyle - 2/24/2014 5:05:57 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Check out the non fiction in the booklist and buy the ones that resonate with you: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

(in reply to MistresSamanthaa)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Need help with bdsm lifestyle - 2/24/2014 8:30:06 PM   
njlauren


Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline 		Not even sure what the BD/SM lifestyle is, since there are so many variations to it. It depends on what you guys are interested in doing.is it only in the bedroom? Do you want it to be in your regular lives, and want to find ways to have that happen? These are basic questions that can help decide what you want to do. Do you both want a D/s (dominant/submissive) relationship, where as the Domme you take the balance of the power in the relationship? If so, what does that mean to you? Does that mean you decide what you guys eat for dinner, what movie to watch? Do you decide what he can wear any given day? It boils down to what you want out of it, and there is no magic formula or 'right way'...the nice part with BD/SM it is your relationship and your decision how it plays out, there is nothing that says you are real or not real, totally up to you. One of the nice things about BD/SM is other than safety issues, there isn't any rule book, you create it as you go.

My advice is to start small, come up with a basic outline of what you both want, negotiate it, then live it. After a period of time (week, month, whatever), renegotiate, discuss what worked, what didn't, and adjust/add/subtract. The reading lists are great, too, the books and such have a lot of information, and if something hits your fancy, try it....my only warning is don't let it get too far, too fast, it is how people get hurt (emotionally I mean more than physically), whether it is the eager sub who is so caught up they end up comparing their domme to everyone else and enough is never enough, or the domme who forgets that the sub is someone (I would hope) they love and respect, and get caught up in being 'the bitch goddess' or something and causes a train wreck; the key is this is a mutual thing between the two people, and never lose sight of the fact of who the other person is, communicate, and also become good at reading the other person's feelings and body language, to prevent hurt. Hurt is very easy in a vanilla relationship, it can happen very easy in a BD/SM one, too, if you lose sight of or take for granted the other person:).

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Need help with bdsm lifestyle - 3/1/2014 11:52:53 AM   
dominalisa


Posts: 129
Status: offline 		Figure out what you want him to do for you, and then tell him. If he makes mistakes, correct him and/or punish him. (Do not compare yourself to others. Do what you want.)

(in reply to njlauren)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Need help with bdsm lifestyle - 3/1/2014 3:10:14 PM   
LeatherBentOne51


Posts: 89
Joined: 12/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dominalisa

Figure out what you want him to do for you, and then tell him. If he makes mistakes, correct him and/or punish him. (Do not compare yourself to others. Do what you want.)



Just thought I'd add: Be consensual and take safety issues very seriously.

(in reply to dominalisa)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Need help with bdsm lifestyle - 3/1/2014 3:11:31 PM   
LeatherBentOne51


Posts: 89
Joined: 12/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: njlauren

Not even sure what the BD/SM lifestyle is, since there are so many variations to it. It depends on what you guys are interested in doing.is it only in the bedroom? Do you want it to be in your regular lives, and want to find ways to have that happen? These are basic questions that can help decide what you want to do. Do you both want a D/s (dominant/submissive) relationship, where as the Domme you take the balance of the power in the relationship? If so, what does that mean to you? Does that mean you decide what you guys eat for dinner, what movie to watch? Do you decide what he can wear any given day? It boils down to what you want out of it, and there is no magic formula or 'right way'...the nice part with BD/SM it is your relationship and your decision how it plays out, there is nothing that says you are real or not real, totally up to you. One of the nice things about BD/SM is other than safety issues, there isn't any rule book, you create it as you go.

My advice is to start small, come up with a basic outline of what you both want, negotiate it, then live it. After a period of time (week, month, whatever), renegotiate, discuss what worked, what didn't, and adjust/add/subtract. The reading lists are great, too, the books and such have a lot of information, and if something hits your fancy, try it....my only warning is don't let it get too far, too fast, it is how people get hurt (emotionally I mean more than physically), whether it is the eager sub who is so caught up they end up comparing their domme to everyone else and enough is never enough, or the domme who forgets that the sub is someone (I would hope) they love and respect, and get caught up in being 'the bitch goddess' or something and causes a train wreck; the key is this is a mutual thing between the two people, and never lose sight of the fact of who the other person is, communicate, and also become good at reading the other person's feelings and body language, to prevent hurt. Hurt is very easy in a vanilla relationship, it can happen very easy in a BD/SM one, too, if you lose sight of or take for granted the other person:).


lauren,

I always enjoy your posts and wisdom.

(in reply to njlauren)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Need help with bdsm lifestyle - 3/17/2014 5:39:19 PM   
MistressMary51


Posts: 5
Joined: 2/3/2014
Status: offline 		I am looking for help I know I am the dom I have read a lot written down what I want can talk online about what I want from my sub but then to meet my sub and do anything I don't know where to start

(in reply to LeatherBentOne51)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Need help with bdsm lifestyle - 3/17/2014 7:05:45 PM   
seekingOwnertoo


Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline 		Mistress Mary 51 (as well as Mistress Samanthaaa)


I understand you don't just want to read books ... or try what you want. A little conversation and discussion helps, big time!


I want to preface this by saying: I am not selling, recommending or pimping this ... but ....

There is a Lady whom I have spoken with a number of times. And it might sometimes seem a bit of a romantic discussion ... yet ....


She has an advanced degree and clinical training in Counseling Psychology, with a focus on Female Domination. Typically she works with men ... She also does Domme Coaching Programs .... do not know what the cost is ...

But I do know She has dynamite intellect and interest in the topic ...

If you would like contact info ... email me on the other side. If not, than I would recommend munches and gatherings with some focus on education.

Good luck!

And hoping when LP sees this thread, She will have some really good advice. (LOL i don't teach Female Dommes, well! )








< Message edited by seekingOwnertoo -- 3/17/2014 7:17:42 PM >

_____________________________

Got my second paddle! Finally! :-)

Heck I had one in 2010 .. now in 2013 another! Yes you can say, i am just a gifted slow learner!

(in reply to MistressMary51)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Need help with bdsm lifestyle - 3/18/2014 3:29:37 PM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline 		I think everyone starts with passion and little knowledge.

The book list link above is absolutely great. Start with Screw the Roses... and The Loving Dominant so you know something and have a little more confidence before moving forward to the next step I will recommend, and confidence is what you need I am sure you agree.

incidentally, the LD book had some great tips for developing great scenes and also developing skillsets with detailed instructions on how to use a flogger properly, for instance, and even how to practice without a submissive so you learn before attempting to use a flogger on your special other half, a good notion. Screw the roses... is entertaining and enlightening and has much to offer a Mistress as far as stories about relationships, a section in the back about a big city mistress and her dungeon and a section on resources for the "tools" and props you might need in the back.

Finally, if you want to learn specific skill sets which in turn will give you even greater confidence and domination with substance then you might attend classes and demonstrations at the local club. Then branch out into specialties you and he like using targeted books so you then have some basic knowledge to begin watching and talking to skilled practitioners when they demonstrate and/or are just are playing at the club.

Some of that might be more than you desired but certainly knowing what you are doing and what some other mistresses do will make things more enjoyable for you and yours. Good luck!

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Need help with bdsm lifestyle - 3/18/2014 4:41:52 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		First of all, MistressSamantha & MistressMary, welcome to the forums!!

Second, seekingownertoo, I'd love to know who that "Lady" is.

NBMG

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.


(in reply to Arturas)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Need help with bdsm lifestyle - 3/22/2014 4:05:10 AM   
MadammeAnne


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/18/2013
From: Jakarta-Indonesia
Status: offline 		I think become a mistress is a nature call, so... let it flow, just stay consider to the limits

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Need help with bdsm lifestyle - 3/22/2014 5:24:01 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Fr

You might find this article helpful:

http://beyond50shades.com/planning-scenes-for-beginners/

_____________________________



(in reply to MadammeAnne)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Need help with bdsm lifestyle - 3/24/2014 3:46:57 PM   
edendream


Posts: 9
Joined: 4/5/2004
Status: offline 		Mistress Mary51,

It is great you are reading! That helped me so much! I also have learned much from others in the lifestyle at conferences and play parties. Everyone is so willing to help!

However, first and foremost, get in touch with yourself. What do you want out of either a top/bottom scene or a dom/sub relationship? Both are great, and there are variations in between. How do you feel about the prospective submissive? Have you communicated with your prospective bottom or submissive some of your desires and listened to theirs?

I like to fantasize before I play - I take some quiet time and go into a daydream state (I meditate, too) : ). Then I find myself following the energy of 'what might be' with this particular person. This process helps me tune in to things I had never thought of before with my analytical mind. I connect with my dominant energy and sexuality and trust it to lead me into a basic plan for a scene with this person. I do often, before a scene, have a small game plan in mind to start up with. The fill-in part comes naturally.

I wish you the best in your journey and trust your intuition. : )

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Need help with bdsm lifestyle - 5/10/2014 10:16:06 AM   
Sexyladydee


Posts: 60
Joined: 9/3/2009
Status: offline 		Reading and researching is great to give you ideas. But in reality you are who you are and how you are going to act is unique to each individual. Don't over think it and lose out on the joy of being yourself and growing into the person you are becoming. It's a journey just as your life before deciding to be a member of this lifestyle was. With each experience you will learn and grow. You will decide what you like, what works for you and what makes you happy and gives you pleasure. Someone else's experience and journey is not yours. They can give you a blueprint but follow your own path. Hopefully you will meet a more seasoned Domme who can answer practical question. Good luck.



I'm not selfish, just stubborn and usually right. LadyDee

(in reply to edendream)
Profile   Post #: 15
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