Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (Full Version)

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LadyShiloh -> Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/2/2014 9:51:52 AM)

First, let me say that I'm not trying to berate anyone, put anyone down for their feelings, or start any arguments. I'm truly trying to understand what goes on in the mind of someone when this happens.

I've spent hours online and on the phone chatting with male subs. I've put in the effort to get to know them as much as possible through those mediums. But when the time finally comes to meet for the first time face to face, I've lost count of how many times I've been stood up. All this time and effort up in smoke. When there was such anticipation and excitement.

What is the thought process behind this? Is the fear just too much? I always do a first meet in a very public and vanilla setting. For the sake of us both. Are you only looking for the feeling of anticipation, but the actual meet really isn't the objective? Or is it something else? I'm really just trying to understand this.

Thank you for any male sub insights you may be willing to share.



LadyConstanze -> RE: Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/2/2014 10:11:28 AM)

I'm not a male sub, but a good way to avoid being stood up and going through a lot of inconvenience, that you meet them if it suits you, in a place that suits you, so if there is a coffee shop where you go often or you like, meet there. They want to meet you? They'll make it happen, after all, female d-types are in short supply.



LadyShiloh -> RE: Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/2/2014 10:14:53 AM)

I do exactly that Constanze. I have them meet me in a food court within walking distance of my work. It's somewhere I go nearly daily anyway. Still, it's frustrating to be stood up when I've invested all this time and effort. I'm just wondering why this happens so often.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/2/2014 10:19:18 AM)

Some of them just wanted to talk to you and get the thrill of that. Others wanted to meet but chickened out. Some were married etc and so not able to go through with it. I imagine for a lot of them the plan to meet fed into their fantasy enough that they got what they needed.

If I were in your position, I'd spend as little time as possible getting to know them online. Just enough to think they're worth meeting. That will mean less wasted time for you and will deter those who just want the talking.



DaddySatyr -> RE: Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/2/2014 10:46:33 AM)

OP, I am not suggesting that this is you but ...

If, in the "getting to know you" stage, I get the impression that there's some dishonesty, I don't invest any more time. Also, I generally tend to ask some questions if I feel there's been some dishonesty.

Now, I also don't "stand up" anyone. If I say I am going to be somewhere. I'm there unless something really catastrophic happens.

There could be a whole bunch of reasons but my best guess is that the people that you're finding are dealing with some insecurity issues. True enough, as someone has mentioned; they might be married or "involved" but, to me, even this is chalked up to insecurity issues.






LadyConstanze -> RE: Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/2/2014 10:51:03 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyShiloh

I do exactly that Constanze. I have them meet me in a food court within walking distance of my work. It's somewhere I go nearly daily anyway. Still, it's frustrating to be stood up when I've invested all this time and effort. I'm just wondering why this happens so often.


Shiloh. no worries, it's not just you, it was one of my main complains and to be honest, unless somebody is in the area and wants to have a coffee, I don't meet them, I only meet to be social anyway, when I was looking for a sub, let's say the results were less than stellar, apart from being stood up, so bad that I picked places where they didn't know me well, it's a bit hard to explain that some dude has no idea how to act in public and that trying to kiss your feet in a cafe is not acceptable behaviour... One who freaked out that I dared to suggest we share expenses (he had some rather elaborate ideas including a lot of medical gear that's naturally disposable, I had bought all that and I suggested he would cover the rent of the dungeon, which was about 1/3rd of what I spent on supplies) and called me about every name under the sun...

Mind you I met 2 lovely play partners but not through here, one actually in the supermarket and one in the theater, and we both behaved normally, we just joked about things and some of the things could have been perfectly innocent, but they also could be taken as BDSM... Well, turned out they were.

I would seriously recommend munches in your area instead of relying on guys from online, they may or may not play games, but hey, you call the shots, I wouldn't do all that preparation, seriously, I usually don't even dress up, it's really what you see is what you get, if they only want me as glamour puss, well, sorry, then they're better off with a pro-Domme anyway, I'm not going to be the service top for anybody just because they want it.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/2/2014 11:14:00 AM)

I've met at least 20 males subs from here, none have failed to show up.

In fact of all the people I've met from online and then met in person, I've had zero no shows.

What's my secret? I have no idea but I suspect I have great bullshit radar. I don't talk about sex, only vanilla things, and I meet early, like within a few weeks.

I always talk on the phone first, hearing someone speak helps me tune that radar.

I've had a couple end up being married but they hid it well for a couple weeks.

I think you just need to hone your bullshit detector.




Rawni -> RE: Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/2/2014 11:32:29 AM)

I've never had a no show either. I get a throw away phone and I want to talk to them quickly. I can hear things much clearer that way. I only had two that showed that I had issue with and each was someone I hadn't talked to by phone.

I tell them in my profile that we will speak soon... therefore they know what I expect if they read and many do. So there are fewer problems from those that will get busted. Some see it as a challenge to see if they can get passed my radar and try. I get a lot of laughs from that.

The chase... for some may not mean the get. Its the game, the attention, can they win you over enough to meet them and then they are on to a new profile and a new dominant to chase and win over and if they are really lucky, she might get naked or tell them what to do on cam.

Forced conversation... them not talking much and play shy or new... run. I have never seen one so shy or new that they couldn't speak about life in general or themselves. What they are shy about is telling about themselves because they are afraid they will get caught in a lie. (My experience and take on it, anyway.) They can't call... bummer.. see ya and one condition I have on the phone calls is... after the first call, I will never use that number, but if we do continue to talk... I can call when I want to. You can't set hours for all of them figuring weekends the wife might be home. I call, you answer. It isn't fool proof, but helps.

I had one call in bed with his wife. I could hear her softly snoring and that wasn't a dog. lol

Another thing that has served me well is.. if I ever get confused about things they say, their situation or story... I start looking for the lie. It is there. Every single time it has been there.

I do better at a grocery store than online. [:D]



MissToYouRedux -> RE: Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/2/2014 11:44:53 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

If I were in your position, I'd spend as little time as possible getting to know them online. Just enough to think they're worth meeting.



Frankly this is what I do. I don't invest a whole lot of time in the "getting to know you" internet phase on here. From the probably too embarrassing to count number of subs I've met for coffee from this site (I've been a member for longer than this profile) I can count on one hand the number of no-shows and only two that had a real "ick" factor (though they were memorable lol).

I don't think there's any particular trick, but I am clear to anyone I talk to online that no one is real to me until I meet them, and that should be the same for them. It saves a lot of emotional wear and tear... and keystrokes. [;)]

I also want to say as a lifestyle Domme, I've met and eventually owned multiple wonderful multi-year real-time subs and slaves through CM. [8D] I continue to be a fan. I'm not a particular fan of munches. My experience has been too much like a wedding reception where one has to make continuous small talk with people with whom one has very little in common except the bride and groom. lol YMMV, and I'm sure living in the SF Bay Area helps. [:)]




Rawni -> RE: Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/2/2014 11:55:39 AM)

California is way better. Way, way better.

[:(] It's snowing again and I can't find any good submissives. I guess I ought to go to Walmart for salt, a shovel or something. [:D]



NiceButMeanGirl -> RE: Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/2/2014 1:09:58 PM)

Don't feel too bad. I just got stood up yesterday by this guy. I went to my favorite place to meet for coffee, he said "Oh yeah, I'll be there for sure!" and POOF! No show. I had coffee & treated myself to a salad, I wasn't going to let him ruin my day. I don't know why they do this.

NBMG



windchymes -> RE: Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/2/2014 1:52:15 PM)

In show biz, there's a saying, "Always leave them wanting more". You say you've spent "hours" online and on the phone with much excitement and anticipation. Maybe they're getting what they wanted and they can't justify getting dressed and going out for what they're getting at home for "free". Or maybe they never intended to meet in person at all, just played along as long as you were interested in keeping the excitement up without meeting in person.

Maybe you should keep the conversations less exciting and more getting-to-know-you vanilla. That way, you can weed out those who are just using you for non-in-person thrills and focus on the minority who is truly serious about starting a real life relationship with you.

Another reason might be that they look nothing like what they may have been pretending to be online and just don't show up because they know they're busted?




searching4mysir -> RE: Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/2/2014 2:40:47 PM)

Perhaps he read your journal before meeting and didn't want to be blacklisted (which violates TOS) if it didn't workout?



littlewonder -> RE: Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/2/2014 8:51:34 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyShiloh

I do exactly that Constanze. I have them meet me in a food court within walking distance of my work. It's somewhere I go nearly daily anyway. Still, it's frustrating to be stood up when I've invested all this time and effort. I'm just wondering why this happens so often.


Stop investing time and effort and expectations. When I was single and still meeting men, I would meet them someplace that I liked to go and would have gone to anyway even if I wasn't meeting someone. If they didn't show up it was no big loss on my part. I still enjoyed the time I had there. I didn't go out of my way to make room for them in my life. I didn't make any extra effort than I would have done for myself anyway. And I never had any expectations. My only expectation was of myself to enjoy my own life and let the other person decide what the hell he wanted to do. If he didn't show up, I shrugged my shoulders, sat there and read my book, drank my coffee and went along my merry way to do something else I enjoyed. No big deal.

Maybe try it this way and you won't have this issue anymore.




littlewonder -> RE: Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/2/2014 8:56:27 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

Perhaps he read your journal before meeting and didn't want to be blacklisted (which violates TOS) if it didn't workout?


DOH!!!

scratch everything I said previously!

Ding ding ding....I think we have a winner here!



DarkSteven -> RE: Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/3/2014 2:30:31 AM)

LadyShiloh, I read your profile. You're looking for someone who may not exist.

You want someone who:

1. Will be available for vanilla dates when you want.
2. Is a service slave, doing household chores for you.
3. Will have sex with your husband.
4. Will not have sex with you.
5. Will take branding, whipping, etc., from you.
6. Has no sissification fantasies.
7. Lives within two hours of Toledo.
8. Will financially support your household.

Despite the fact that you're searching for Superman, he's gonna have to take the backseat to your husband.

Forget it. Your expectations are unrealistic. So all you'll get are catfishers that try to draw things out online because they know that they'll not last once you meet them and find out that they're not what they stated online.



smileforme50 -> RE: Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/3/2014 10:49:59 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

I've met at least 20 males subs from here, none have failed to show up.

In fact of all the people I've met from online and then met in person, I've had zero no shows.

What's my secret? I have no idea but I suspect I have great bullshit radar. I don't talk about sex, only vanilla things, and I meet early, like within a few weeks.

I always talk on the phone first, hearing someone speak helps me tune that radar.

I've had a couple end up being married but they hid it well for a couple weeks.

I think you just need to hone your bullshit detector.



I could say the exact same thing. Over 4 years I have met probably.....15-20 men from this CM and FL and I have never been stood up. Even had guys from 800+ miles away, they said they were coming to my part of the country, we agreed to meet where and when, and they showed up. I also have had a few turn out to be married who hid it well for a few weeks.

I have had a few not contact me again after the first meeting....even though they said they were interested in meeting again. So I don't invest a lot (emotionally) in a first meeting. I tell him I'm interested in getting to know him better, but I don't get too excited.



JustMichaelK -> RE: Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/3/2014 11:54:23 AM)

Lady Shiloh,
You have hit on a few very valid reasons why Your being stood up. Many males who clams to be a submissive are in fact just "testing" the waters. Many get the idea that being a sub is nothing but sex and playtime. But, when You talk about the rules and all the other tings that go along with being an "owned" sub it goes against what many males are taught while growing up. i have lived as a 24/7 sub. It did at 1st go against what i was taught. The "trick" about it is to trust Her and let go of the past teachings and give Her control. You will find Your boi. Just hang in there and when the time is right you both will know it. Keep Your chin up and keep swinging. Once You have him.....it will be worth the wait and the disappointments.



shadowborn61 -> RE: Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/3/2014 12:46:57 PM)

LadyShiloh
I think maybe you expect too much from one submissive. I could perhaps fill two maybe three of the roles you are searching for someone to fill but to fill all of them i would have to be super human (and not in Iowa) I did read at the end of your profile that a submissive who could meet all of those requirements would be perfect so maybe you need to stop looking for perfection and start looking for one you can work with and teach.



LafayetteLady -> RE: Trying to understand being stood up for a first meeting (3/3/2014 1:06:36 PM)

DS, you made me go look at the profile. I agree the OP is unrealistic, but also after reading some of the journal entries sounds a bit desperate, spenind so much time trying to figure out what happened.

A wish list for the "perfect" one is great, but then reality has to come into play as well. OP, you have some obstacles that even though you are up front about them, severely narrow your choices. Admitting you lack knowledge on your disease doesn't speak of leadership. Perhaps you should take some time to do the research you admit to having neglected to do so you can change your profile to state that you are aware of ALL the risks asscoiated and will happily discuss them with someone should their be a mutual interest.



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