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The most novice-novice.... - 3/3/2014 9:16:30 PM

MissMarieCA

Posts: 6
Joined: 3/1/2014
Status: offline

So here goes. I met a man a few weeks ago on a social site. Eventually he tells me he is a Master Dom and wants to make me his sub. Me? I don't even know the first thing about it. I have asked him a hundred questions, about the lifestyle in general, as well as specifics about what he would expect from me. Eventually, he recommended this site to me, to help me garner information. I'm a complex case, because, while I do have that side of me that likes to please and make others happy, I also have this intense resistance to being controlled by anyone (bad mother, bad marriage, blah!). Except in the bedroom, where I like to be told what to do, and be rewarded for a job well done. Idiosyncratic I think. I have so many questions, it's even hard to know where to begin. But I think that is my first concern. Is being a sub equivalent to having one's life controlled by another? Or can a happy medium be attained? Bear in mind that this man does not intend to control every facet of me. But would a person who detests control be more resistant with any control that he would exert outside of the bedroom? He is not looking for a slave, which relieves me. And he does not have hard interests, which also relieves me. And I have tried to remain upfront and honest with him. On the up-side, some of our verbal experimental play has been most arousing. I am beginning to think that for the first time in my life I could experience ecstacy that has been sorely lacking in my life. Is the "reward" worth the "price"? I don't mean that to sound as bad as it does, I just don't know how better to phrase it. I really am just winging it here. I am sure I will have more questions...but that's a good start I think. I appreciate any input for the novice-novice like me!! Love and smiles all around!!

Post #: 1

RE: The most novice-novice.... - 3/4/2014 5:05:39 AM

shadowborn61

Posts: 143
Joined: 11/5/2013
Status: offline

First welcome to the lifestyle.
I am a submissive as well and will tell you there is no "right way" to do it. If you are only comfortable being submissive in the bedroom then that is what works for you and is fine as long as you can find a Dominant who's desires match you own.
Now on to the scary part... be very careful when you are just starting out and do not get in a rush to play with any Dominant there are many many very nice and good ones out there but there are also preditors saying they are a Dominant some just to get laid others who will cause you a lot of harm so again be careful and be smart.
I would recommend the fetlife web site specifically the group novices and newbies and tell you to read all the stickies and ask questions.
CM is a great site but the group on fetlife is geared towards helping people new to the lifestyle find the information they need.

(in reply to MissMarieCA)

Post #: 2

RE: The most novice-novice.... - 3/4/2014 6:39:16 AM

subbibear

Posts: 46
Joined: 3/2/2014
Status: offline

shadowborn61 has given you some good advice about getting yourself a Fetlife account set up and exploring their novice and newbie groups sticky posts in detail. There is a great deal of good information there for people in just the same situation as you. I would highly recommend that you read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker as well.

From what you have posted here it sounds like you have some conflicting emotions about being submissive vs your natural resistance to being controlled. I think that is something that you need to be clear about with the man you are seeing. Indeed, open and clear communication is the foundation upon which the trust necessary to enter a power exchange relationship is built.

Yes, a happy medium can be found, if that is the desire of both parties to the relationship, and that again comes back to the level of communication.

I can only really speak from my own experience and try to put myself in your shoes. I think if I were in your position I would want to meet some more local kinky folks and get to know them a bit. There are local groups who hold very open and vanilla gatherings for dinners, called "munches" on a regular basis almost anywhere in the US. Using Fetlife to locate your own local groups is relatively simple. I would try to get myself out to meet some of these folks. Along the way, I would continue to ask questions here and on Fetlife, and I would work on acquiring a reading list to help me gain some basic knowledge of what I was getting into before I dove in head first.

Is the reward worth the price?

It certainly can be. But that is really a question that can only be answered subjectively. My experience won't be the same as yours. And it depends on how high the price is from your perspective.

Keep in mind that all of us were in your shoes at some point. There is nothing wrong with being new to the scene and really there are no dumb questions. But if you work your way through some of the FAQ's both here and on Fetlife, I think you will find some answers that can help you assess your situation with some clarity and decide how you want to proceed.

(in reply to shadowborn61)

Post #: 3

RE: The most novice-novice.... - 3/4/2014 7:21:40 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

You may find the book list thread to be very helpful:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to MissMarieCA)

Post #: 4

RE: The most novice-novice.... - 3/4/2014 8:02:43 AM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline

Hi and welcome :)

I hate being controlled outside the bedroom too.
I have a boyfriend, he is my "Top" I'm his "bottom"

There's a very happy medium- it just takes the right people :)
I'll never do a Total Power Exchange (TPE) again, personally, its just not for me.

As far as getting a good return on your investment, I think that really depends on how well you and yours communicates wants and needs.
Know yourself.
Know to negotiate.
Know if its time to leave.
Know that being an s type isn't a reason to put up with abuse.
Know how much you trust the other person.
Know your wants and needs.
And HAVE FUN. That is the most important part.

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 5

RE: The most novice-novice.... - 3/4/2014 12:22:27 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I met a man a few weeks ago on a social site.

Have you met him in person? If not, I would caution you against getting emotionally invested in someone you have not met. The reality often does not match the picture you build up in your head.

Additionally, I warn you against entering into a Dominant/submissive dynamic until you have met him in person and established compatibility.

Is this man local to you?

(in reply to MissMarieCA)

Post #: 6

RE: The most novice-novice.... - 3/4/2014 12:25:47 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

I met a man a few weeks ago on a social site.

Have you met him in person? If not, I would caution you against getting emotionally invested in someone you have not met. The reality often does not match the picture you build up in your head.

Additionally, I warn you against entering into a Dominant/submissive dynamic until you have met him in person and established compatibility.

Is this man local to you?

This^^^^^ In a major way, this^^^^^

I'll also add that if you haven't met him and he's saying he wants you to be his sub, you should be worried.

Have you asked him why he's looking for a submissive on a vanilla site?

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 7

RE: The most novice-novice.... - 3/4/2014 12:49:46 PM

Blonderfluff

Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline

I think you already know the answer to the question that is bugging you. If you HATE giving up control, you will not be happy with a Dominant man. You may accept him as a bedroom Top, but you should have a long convo with him about this. Bedroom play, and living as Dominant/submissive, are two very different things. If he thinks you just need "time" to learn to obey, or hand him all control, you are both in for some heartache. If you think he will be satisfied with having control in the bedroom, and he really wants more, you are going to become resentful and frustrated.
I think you need to get some things clarified before you even contemplate this relationship.

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.

I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 8

RE: The most novice-novice.... - 3/4/2014 2:05:34 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

On the up-side, some of our verbal experimental play has been most arousing.

Oh, so you have entered into a D/s dynamic with him already...I really hope you have met him.

(in reply to MissMarieCA)

Post #: 9

RE: The most novice-novice.... - 3/5/2014 6:12:21 AM

MissMarieCA

Posts: 6
Joined: 3/1/2014
Status: offline

Just wanted to touch base, and thank you all for your lovey replies. Thank you so much. And let me just follow up with a few comments, and answers to your own questions.
Yes, we met on a vanilla site, but it is a social site for making friends, and he did not say he was looking for a sub there. We simply made contact, and after a few weeks of friendship, is when the discussion of D/s came up, and he expressed his desire for me to be his sub. I have not met him in person yet, but I have told him that a final decision will not be made without that happening, maybe more than once. We have not yet entered into any arrangement, but we do spend ample time talking to each other, sometimes on this specific subject, sometimes just as the friends that we became before the subject came up. I am forever sharing with him my thoughts on the pros and cons of every aspect that I think of. I am definitely doing my homework. He is aware that a compromise would be needed and that my limits may be far different than his. He has come across as most understanding. He is the one who recommended this site so I may gain knowledge. And he is not pressuring me. The site FetLife has been recommended to me more than once, I will definitely take a look. I am still not sure what will happen, but I am certainly interested and intrigued enough to want to keep looking into it. Thank you again for being so nice, and so welcoming! Love to you all!

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 10

RE: The most novice-novice.... - 3/5/2014 11:16:44 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I have not met him in person yet

What's the reason for the delay?

quote:

I am definitely doing my homework.

What do you mean by homework?

(in reply to MissMarieCA)

Post #: 11

RE: The most novice-novice.... - 3/5/2014 12:04:43 PM

anniezz338

Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline

The first things that come to mind for me is ask him how sadistic he is. i am not into humiliation or degradation so that would be something I would get straight first. Also, is he a high protocal master or a low one. Like asking to go pee everytime, sitting on furniture or eating out of a dog dish. Ask him if he is a punishment dom. Alot of doms seem to be into that but there are others that would rather talk it out than to cane the bottom of your feet.

_____________________________

I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 12

RE: The most novice-novice.... - 3/5/2014 6:08:54 PM

MissMarieCA

Posts: 6
Joined: 3/1/2014
Status: offline

The reason for the delay in meeting is to ensure total comfort with each other first. Plus there is some distance between us, and we both have busy schedules, so coordinating our time will be tricky. "My homework" meaning I do not know the first thing about the D/s lifestyle, and I am trying to learn as much as I can, and speak to many people, so that I may make an informed intelligent decision.
Cheers!

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 13

RE: The most novice-novice.... - 3/5/2014 6:28:39 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Okay. A few things in no particular order.

1. I like to say that D/s can take place either in the bedroom or outside of it. A bedroom sub, or bottom, simply gets off on being dominated during play. Outside the bedroom, it's sometimes called service submission.

2. There are lots of reasons a sub likes to submit. The extra closeness, the idea of handing over control after a stressful job, the desire to please another, just liking getting tied up and spanked, being the center of attention from a Top. A negative reason is not trusting their own decisions as much as another's.

3. The drive to dominate is to want to control. Ideally, it is accompanied with a large enough mind to take into account what is best for all concerned, not just selfishness.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to MissMarieCA)

Post #: 14

RE: The most novice-novice.... - 3/5/2014 7:47:25 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

The reason for the delay in meeting is to ensure total comfort with each other first. Plus there is some distance between us, and we both have busy schedules, so coordinating our time will be tricky.

Ah, you have entered into a cyber relationship. They are fun at first, but in the end, unfulfilling, like cotton candy at the fair. It may feel very real now, but in the end, is as ephemeral as soap bubbles.

(in reply to MissMarieCA)

Post #: 15

RE: The most novice-novice.... - 3/5/2014 8:19:56 PM

shadowborn61

Posts: 143
Joined: 11/5/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
Ah, you have entered into a cyber relationship. They are fun at first, but in the end, unfulfilling, like cotton candy at the fair. It may feel very real now, but in the end, is as ephemeral as soap bubbles.

That is not always the case i know of two D/s couples personally that started out online and then became real life couples one couple is still together and it has been almost two years now the other couple i lost track of when i moved to Iowa.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 16

RE: The most novice-novice.... - 3/5/2014 9:35:08 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Those are extremely rare. You have a better chance of being struck by lightning.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to shadowborn61)

Post #: 17

RE: The most novice-novice.... - 3/5/2014 10:26:08 PM

shadowborn61

Posts: 143
Joined: 11/5/2013
Status: offline

That may be true but it can still happen. I would not hold my breath waiting for it to but then again i don't want to be struck by lightening either.... now maybe a violet wand hmmmm have to find someone to try that with ;)

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 18

RE: The most novice-novice.... - 3/5/2014 10:59:13 PM

TheWillToThrive

Posts: 36
Joined: 3/8/2013
From: Texas
Status: offline

Welcome to the lifestyle and collarme. We have a lot of pessimist and while their advice is legitimate even their opinions should be taken with a grain of salt. Congratulations on meeting someone who you are connecting with! Every relationship vanilla or not comes with a risk and if you feel he is worth the risk by all means take it, albeit, one step at a time. If you feel uncomfortable with something speak up and if he is anything but understanding you will know where his head is at. Don't let the scariness of letting go of your control overwhelm you too much. Its something that is as adjustable as you need it to be. Go at your own pace and if it isn't fast enough for him, send him packing.

If you ask 100 people to define being a submissive you would get 100 different definitions. Being brand spanking new (pun intended) only means you need to understand the clinical definitions of terms to move forward. What those terms mean to you as an individual will change a lot as you understand the lifestyle and yourself more and more. There is no reason to be in a rush and every reason to not too. At this point absorbing all the knowledge you can is a great idea. Fetlife is a good resource as well as asubmissivesjourney. Once you feel confident you understand how that information relates to your self, then, you can connect with someone in a bdsm relationship. Define the terms of the relationship well and be open to some compromise on both sides.

Have fun exploring new boundaries!

(in reply to shadowborn61)

Post #: 19

RE: The most novice-novice.... - 3/6/2014 5:31:01 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shadowborn61

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
Ah, you have entered into a cyber relationship. They are fun at first, but in the end, unfulfilling, like cotton candy at the fair. It may feel very real now, but in the end, is as ephemeral as soap bubbles.

That is not always the case i know of two D/s couples personally that started out online and then became real life couples one couple is still together and it has been almost two years now the other couple i lost track of when i moved to Iowa.

I lived with someone for 5 years after having a six month long distance relationship with him. He was very different in person than he'd been when we were long distance and this is very common, which is why I always encourage people to meet in person ASAP, so they don't get emotionally attached to someone with whom there ends up being no chemistry in person, or who is not the person they represented themself to be.

We get a fair amount of "Disappearing Dom" threads, where the woman is in a great long distance relationship, and then he disappears when it is finally time to meet, or he fucks her once and then stops taking her calls.

Dom disapeared
Disappearing Dominant
One date wonder doms who never return
Being snubbed and not given a reason

(in reply to shadowborn61)

Post #: 20

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