ChatteParfaitt
Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
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In another thread we were talking about a master who seemed to ignore his sub, and punished her for continuing to discuss something. He wanted something a certain way, and he didn't seem to want to listen to anything about changing it. It led me to think about something that worries me greatly: what is the relationship between, or difference between, dominance and selfishness?
That dominant was being abusive and emotionally unresponsive (IMO). You could say he was being that way *because* he was selfish and I agree. But dominants as a rule have an inherently selfish streak, else they wouldn't be so convinced they should be the one telling others what to do. That does take the kind of ego that comes across as selfishness, even if (in a good dominant) that ego makes decisions for the betterment of all.
I see some Dommes on this site discussing men who want women to do things to them, almost like a joke. Like saying "If you were a true submissive, you care about me, not what you want." It seems like the suggestion in these posts is that "real subs are selfless, and I want a sub who is all about me." Is this selfishness? Then I see suggestions that basically run along the lines of "Make it all about me, and I might deign to possibly do something you might enjoy."
This is b/c so many male subs learn about BDSM through porn, and get the idea that all fem dommes should be their fetish delivery system b/c they offered themselves up as a slave. They have the mistaken assumption that since they want instant kinky sex, all the women on this site should want it too.
They get classified as 'do me' subs, but in the end, all subs are 'do me' subs in the sense that we wouldn't be with a dominant unless he or she floated our submissive boat. However, part of being submissive is giving up your ego and letting your dom have their way, whether it's right or wrong, good for you or not, selfish or not. If you can't do that, you're not very submissive in my mind.
As others have pointed out, the trick here is to be with a dominant who cares about your needs and wants as well as their own. Who doesn't use that giving up or the sub's ego to inflate their own. This isn't always so easy to see, which is why subs get told to take it slow and make sure you know the person.
Is dominance inherently selfish? When I take control, I'm only ever interested in ensuring we will get both of our needs met. I'm taking control of the experience for both of us. I kind of can't comprehend the selfishness I spoke of above. It would never sit right with me to be that uninterested in the needs of the other person, no matter the power exchange occurring. I might decide that right now, I'm going to get what I want, their pleasure is delayed, but it still certainly is extremely important to me that they get what they want.
In a sexual way, I think *most* dominants (certainly good ones) care about fulfilling their sub's needs. In non-sexual ways, many dominates make choices based on what *they* want and put their sub's needs secondary, which is their right in many relationships. This may be selfish, but it is a selfishness that (hopefully) was agreed upon with an open mind. I have that type of relationship, Himself just gets to decide some things b/c he wants to and no, he doesn't take my 'needs' into consideration.
I put needs into quotes b/c many people get needs and wants mixed up. Beyond the physical basics of food, water, air, shelter, clothing, humans do have some emotional needs. But the truth is, many things that people perceive as needs are merely wants.
I think I need a new pair of boots, in reality, I merely want them, unless not having the boots means not having proper protection for my feet.
It's relatively easy to fulfill physical needs, they don't change person to person. Emotional needs are different. Dominant who don't care about their sub's emotional needs will either not have a sub for long, or will choose those who are not very emotionally stable and who in the end go emotionally berserk.
Am I missing something here?
Being a good dominant means treading a fine line between your own selfish wants, and your sub's wants. If and when that jeopardizes a sub's actual needs (most especially his/her emotional needs) you are now becoming abusive. And that line varies with the individual.
< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 3/5/2014 7:06:33 AM >
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RE: Dominance and Selfishness - 
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