PartyGirlsWanted
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The great debate on Religion rages on. In an attempt to discover the truth for myself, I traveled to Palestine. There, in a secluded cave by the shores of the Dead Sea, I came across an Ancient and Sacred Scroll. I have now had it translated from the original Aramaic and trust that this will settle the issue once and for all.
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In the beginning there was the Word and the Word was with Physics and the Word was Physics.
And Physics begat Chemistry and Chemistry begat Biology and together these were the Holy Trinity but Physics was the mightiest and most implacable of all three.
And it came to pass that Physics wrought a mighty bang and lo! There were Stars and Planets and Moons and many diverse Seeds of Life.
And the Planets orbited the Stars and the Moons orbited the Planets as Physics had ordained.
And as the aeons went by it came to pass that on an insignificant little Planet called Earth orbiting an insignificant little Star called the Sun, a Seed of Life germinated and grew and multiplied and adapted to Earth in many diverse and wondrous ways.
And so it came to pass that the giraffe grew a long neck to reach the leaves of the tallest trees; the dove grew a beak to facilitate olive branch haulage and the chameleon learned to change colour to hide from his foes.
And one defenceless little embryo learned to talk to his fellows and make weapons to hunt the deadly sabre tooth tiger and tools to till the soil and so to survive and prosper.
And lo! He was Man.
And Man looked around him at the wonders of the world, at the fish teeming in the rivers, at the fruit hanging from the boughs and the meat running through the veldt and he saw that it was good.
And Man looked again, at famine and flood and pestilence and his babies being carried off by the deadly sabre tooth tiger and he saw that it was bad.
And Man looked again and heard the boom of thunder and saw the bolt of lightning and the Sun put out by an eclipse and he saw that it was very, very scary and completely beyond his understanding.
And Man asked Why? And How? And Wherefore? And he could not answer for he knew not Physics.
And so Man made God in his own image and according to his needs.
In sun-kissed Hellas, the clever, wily, scheming Greeks made their clever, wily, scheming Gods.
In the frozen hell of the North, the warlike Norsemen, those beautiful, half-witted men made their beautiful, half-witted and warlike Gods.
And labouring in chains under the harsh Egyptian sun, the enslaved Children of Israel made but one God to promise them delivery from their chains and their own land for all eternity – a God to choose them above all others.
And they called him Yaweh and they saw that He was good for He had made the Sun and Stars and Earth and everything in it in six days and had chosen them above all others and had answered the Why and How and Wherefore without recourse to Physics.
And Yaweh suffered the Children of Israel to Smite the Amalekites and the Ammonites and the Arafatites and the Hizbollarites and the Hamasites in His Name and He gave them that smug self righteous feeling inside during the Smiting.
And He suffered the Children of Israel to Do Good Works and cure the sick and give to the poor in His Name and He gave them that warm pink fluffy feeling inside during the Doing of Good Works.
And Man saw that the God of the Children of Israel was good and many other tribes took Him unto themselves and renamed Him and remoulded Him in their own images.
And so it came to pass that the God of the Children of Israel became Catholic and Protestant and Islamic and Orthodox and even Born Again and He chose each tribe that remoulded Him above all others.
And verily He was the perfect God.
For He said unto Man ‘Thou shalt not kill’ and He enjoined Man not to suffer a witch to live and bade him take adulterers to the edge of the town and there to stone them.
And He endowed Kings with a Divine Right to rule and enjoined Man to render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s and He praised those who defied Caesar and the King and called them Martyrs and Blessed.
And He suffered the Smiters to smite in His Name and bade them take an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth and He named the Smiting Jihad, Crusade and Holy War. And He blessed the Smitten and the Anti-Smiters and named them The Meek and The Peacemakers and promised they would inherit the Earth and gave them the Kingdom of Heaven.
And He forgave and absolved those who trespassed against Him and He suffered His servants to stretch on the rack and burn at the stake those who trespassed against Him for His glory.
And surely there was something here for everyone.
And so it came to pass that there was much Smiting as the Crusaders smote the Saracens and the Saracens smote the Crusaders and the Conquistadores smote the Incas and the Adamites smote the Paisleyites and the Paisleyites smote the Adamites and the Bushites smote the Ladenites and the Talibanites and the Saddamites and the Ladenites and the Talibanites and the Saddamites smote the Bushites and everyone got that smug self righteous feeling inside.
And there was much doing of Good Works as the Red Crossites and the Red Crescentites cured the sick and the Christian and Muslim Aidites and the Salvation Armites gave to the poor and the G-Eightites talked interminably about saving Africa and the Multitudes bought National Lottery tickets to support Good Causes and everyone got that warm pink fluffy feeling inside.
And lo! God was all things to all men and Man saw that it was very, very good.
And as the years passed Man went forth and multiplied and grew in strength and power – if not in wisdom – and ruled the Earth and all that was in it.
But it came to pass that certain Sons of Man sat in baths and shouted ‘Eureka’ or sat in orchards and were hit by apples and lo! They met Physics.
And these Sons of Man were the Prophets of Physics.
And the father of the Prophets of Physics was Archimedes and Archimedes begat Copernicus and Copernicus begat Galileo and Galileo begat Newton and Newton begat Darwin and Darwin begat Einstein and Einstein begat the heavenly twins Dawkings and Hawkings and the Prophets of Physics studied the Works of the Trinity in Wonderment and grew in wisdom and understanding and learned that the Works of the Trinity are very, very difficult and will take a long, long time to understand completely.
But Man reviled the Prophets for Physics knew not God; nor would Physics suffer Man to mould Him in Man’s own image; nor would He choose one tribe above all others; nor suffer the Smiting in His Name and give Man that smug self righteous feeling inside; nor suffer the Doing of Good Works in His Name and give Man that warm pink fluffy feeling inside.
And Man said unto the Prophets of Physics ‘If you are so clever how is it that you can only answer three quarters of the Why and How and Wherefore?’
And the Prophets of Physics answered thus: ‘We grow in knowledge and understanding as each decade and century and millennium passes but the Trinity is a complicated and many faceted Wonder and you must have Faith that we will get there in the end.’
But Man would not have Faith for he liked the smug self righteous feeling and he liked the warm pink fluffy feeling and Physics would have none of it.
Yet Man took unto himself such teachings of Physics as pleased him and with them he built great fleets of motor cars as numerous as the sand on the sea shore and jet planes in their thousands and atom bombs and power stations and Man prospered and saw that it was good.
And the Prophets of Physics said unto Man: ‘Beware for you have tasted of the Pierian Spring but not drunk deeply and the Scriptures tell us that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction and you are about to screw up big time.’
But Man replied thus: ‘O Prophets of Physics you are a tribe of Cassandras and after all this Smiting to secure our oil supplies for the Glory of God we are damn well going to burn the stuff for God is on our side and Exxon Mobil is His handmaiden and besides we can’t do anything if the Chinese don’t want to play too so it’s not our fault.’
Then Physics waxed wrathful for He had had enough and He said ‘In his high pride Man has placed Idols and False Gods before Me and has caused the rays of My Sun to be trapped on Earth by his carbon emissions and now the ice caps will melt and the seas will rise and Man will see that a piddling little flood which can only just cover Mount Ararat is as nothing to My works when I am seriously pissed off for so it was ordained at the beginning of all time and My laws are implacable.’
And lo! So it came to pass and the ice caps melted and the seas rose and Man and God and all their works perished by flood and fire and famine and pestilence and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth and the Dolphins inherited the Earth.
And so to this day the Dolphins gambol in the warm, balmy waters of the Poles and live in equilibrium with the plankton and the jelly fish and the sharks and all the fishes of the sea and they rear their young and bask in the glory that is Physics.
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The truth about religion finally discovered! - 
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