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BecomingV -> RE: 50s style household (5/29/2014 5:59:26 PM)
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVpcmJFbXfI
^^^Social Courtesy (1951)
I searched youtube using "social graces" and clicked on "social graces etiquette." Many, many instructional vids come up on this topic.
For poise (classy composure), a video won't do the trick. Some parts can be mimicked or learned through practice. Posture, voice modulation and extreme control of voluntary facial muscles, including eye lid control, are superficial parts of poise.
What sets poise apart from other social graces, such as hosting a formal dinner, ballroom dancing or how to drink from different glasses, is that poise cannot be taught or learned. It flows from the inside. That is why a woman can be on a yacht wearing a gown, while another is in farmer's overalls in a corn field, and BOTH can be poised.
So, what makes a woman poised? First, self-respect, then respect for others. It's an agreement to participate with others in ways that are beyond reproach. There's a confidence in the knowledge of what is honorable and respectable behavior, and what is unacceptable. Strength of character, gained through consistency of moral choices and fair play, is the core of steel beneath the soft, gentle presence. She knows when to yield and when to take charge. She is like the willow tree, bending with the breeze so as not to break when the storm hits. She is confident in her ability to endure, to rise again and to offer hope to others, through soft, caring eyes. No one can fake this.
Since there are things that you cannot control just now (like, surgery today), I'd suggest that focusing on the parts that you can do, will bring you closer to the goal. And, you'll have some skills for your life in your new body. What can you do right now, for free?
Go to the library. Look for books from the 50's. My daughter found a "Bartender's Guide" for home hosting. Every page has illustrations of people dressed in clothes of that time period. There aren't just drink recipes. There are etiquette tips, advice on types of glasses, serving platters and more. What's fun to read is the patriarchal advice on how to please your husband, why doing things one way will ease his burden, and how you should do it that way, even though it presents major pains in the ass, for you. It goes all over the place in terms of "correctness," so look for books like that. It can be culture immersion.
If library hours make it difficult, try online - Project Gutenberg, which offers a gazillion books and audio books, for free. They also need volunteers to create audio books, so this could be a way for you to add gender-issues literature to the online library. If that interests you.
Kitty, I've led an incredible life, so far. Granted, I'm a little nuts, but I'm a lovable nut. As I get older, I've learned to put words to... my patterns, which are not easily discerned. Here's why I attain ridiculously lofty goals, when I decide to reach them while others, superior to me in many ways, cannot do the same.
I do what I can do, right now. Others, wait before acting.
Picture yourself on a city street, standing on the sidewalk, mid-block and you are looking at the intersection from that distance. You want to go to a place that is up at the cross light, and then to the left, and beyond that, you aren't sure. But, you are mid-block and can't see to the left of the intersection. The buildings block your view.
If you just know the goal, even though you don't know exactly how to get to it, you only need start. So, walk to the intersection, go left. Explore, pay attention. Voila! There's a sign that gives you another set of incomplete directions. Follow them, even though you can't be sure there's another sign ahead. Maybe another person walking will offer directions.
It's a cliche to go boldly towards your dreams, but I live it. You see, once you understand that if you commit to a goal, with no doubt because there's too much determination, surprises happen. But, you see that first sign to the left, would not have been found, unless you walked in that direction without knowing everything, for sure.
I've found that plans and methods may change, but so long as the goal is steady, with persistence and effort, I get there.
Here's a scenario. You join an online etiquette group, and through them, you connect with a group of ballroom dancers who invite you to learn with them. At the dance hall, you meet a person whose sister is a surgeon who does pro-bono work. Not the kind that you need, but... because you volunteered and decorated the hall for the Doctor's Ball, you got to meet her, and her old medical school study group leader, who does perform the surgeries that you need. You've given so much of yourself, the dancers rally behind your back and convince the Doctor to put you on the schedule.
Sound unbelievable? To a lot of people, it is fantasy. To me, it's experience.
So, commit to a goal and just whip up any old plan for reaching the goal. The plans will change as you get closer to the goal, so you only need, starter plans. Taking action now in any area towards the goal, is progress. Watch the video, read a book... anything that you CAN do.
I'll end with focus. This is a Tony Robbins thing...
You are learning to drive a race car and the instructor is sitting beside you. You are speeding up to the curve and each second, the concrete wall gets bigger and bigger. If you don't make the turn, you will go splat and become wall paint. It's terrifying and compelling. You have to keep an eye on that wall.
The instructor grabs your helmet by the chin and turns your head towards "the direction you WANT to go," not on the direction you don't.
Our hands follow our eyes. This is why some people notice that they have attracted their worst fears. Well, that's what they focused on with the most intense emotions behind the thoughts. So, control your focus.
Your post expresses pain, but in an anti-social, repellent and alienating way. So, you are getting flack, and rightly so. But, I can't deny being moved by your desperation, however offensively you convey it. People do care, but your posts show that you are your own worst enemy. It appears that you are currently incapable of receiving support and encouragement... and it's all through the thread... amid other stuff. I don't think that therapy - the "go to" around here, works for everyone. Translate that into a wish that you expand beyond the current hell you live in, using whatever approach works for you.
The race car is you, the finish line is surgery and everything else (energy spent on rage, wishing for a knight in shining armor, and wasting time paying attention to things or people that you have zero chance of controlling), be clear... those are indulgences that you are choosing INSTEAD of choosing to focus on the goal.
BTW, the stories above... I taught my daughters that these are the qualities of women of substance. Other mothers teach different things.
I wish you all the best, Kitty.
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