CreativeDominant
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pg4g
This is something I've been thinking about recently, and I want to share, and perhaps get different perspectives.
For a long time, I always thought "the sub is truly the stronger of the two". They endure something for their dominant, they are confident enough in their dom to trust their will, believe in them, care about them. But recently I've experienced more of the other side of the kneel, and I have to say, I... feel newfound respect for the responsibility and worries that a dominant may feel.
Sounds to me like you are serious about aspects that many dominants and submissives are not. That's a good thing.
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For example:
- What if I don't make it good enough for the sub?
As someone else noted, that is not really your main job. Whether in play or in relating to each other, your responsibility is holding up your end of the bargain. If you are playing with your submissive in a way that they have stated is agreeable and enjoyable to them and it is agreeable and enjoyable to you, then venturing into new...at the very least discussed...territory is new to you both and what happens there is what happens. Retain control and remain in communication and know when it is going south and what to do when it does is what your responsibility is. Learning how far to take the wave is a responsible act on your part. BUT the idea that all the enjoyment for the submissive in play or in the relationship is dependant on the dominant is wrong...they are an adult and they are part of the equation.
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- What if I seriously injure him/her?
Try to avoid it but mistakes do happen. And they sometimes happen EVEN WHEN you are being responsible and watching and listening. Once it does, take care of the problem. Don't get caught up in the "OMG!", get caught up in the "let's make this right". Again, communication and level of knowledge about the submissive...and the area you are delving into...are key.
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- What if I hurt them in a way they really don't like, and I scar them psychologically?
Again, mistakes happen. I have gripped parts too strongly, I have left a lash mark where it shouldn't be, I made someone bleed when they did not want to (and I did not want them to). Remember there is a power rush going on for you and that sometimes pushes things too far on your side BUT also remember that some things happen because you are human and so is your partner. As someone else noted, the same flogging they LOVED getting from another partner and so described to you so that you could repeat it may not be as "lovely" coming from you as their memory of it with another is.
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- What if they won't play with me after this because of something I did?
After you have made sure they are alright and you have apologized and you have "debriefed" (with a possible "what would you do next time" speculation), it really is their choice. If they decide no, then you suck it up and move on. You cannot force play on someone. If you are talking about the relationship, then some harder questions need to be faced but...IMHOO...how long do you want to be in a relationship that goes from D/s to strictly vanilla? How long a "time-out" is being asked for? Etc, etc, etc.
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- What if I hit a hard limit they didn't specify and they really hate me for it?
Tough call here. If they did not specify it, how are you to know it? Given the ones they have given you, I suppose you could ask them when you are approaching something that is even faintly similar. If I plan...or think...of something new to try, I can guarantee you that there has been discussion of the "thing" long before I do it. I have a pretty clear idea going into play what is going to be accepted and what will not be, whether it is the first time or the 10th time or the 20th time. BUT again, that is due to communication, both in and out of play.
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- What if they charge me with assault, false imprisonment, rape, or something else like that?
KNOW your partner. My own scare related to this has been gone over by me before and it came down to "Me dominant...Me male...Me need control and pain and pussy". Didn't go so well... . So...KNOW them. Even with that, have a good lawyer at your disposal who knows your "predilections" (love that word!)
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- How do I know when I'm pushing too hard?
The submissive passing out, gushing blood, vomiting profusely would all be clues but on a more serious level, I always up the communication...verbal and touch...the farther I go. Even though safewords have been discussed beforehand, there is a level of subspace that some submissives get to where they will deny the need to use their safeword. Then, it is up to you to look at the signs present. And again, know the submissive you are playing with. It NEVER, EVER hurts to have some idea of how the submissive has reacted in these types of situations before.
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- How do I know what they really need if they don't know it yet?
Communication again...and exploration with communication...and knowledge of your submissive and yourself through communication
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- How do I give them what they really deeply need?
Listen---learn how to do it---explore---be patient
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- What if I get lost in the emotion of the scene and seriously misjudge something?
As someone else noted, be aware of the power rush. Keep thinking with that intelligent head and not the emotional one. keep thinking with the cerebral and not the physical. Pay attention to the one on the receiving end as to HOW they are receiving. And remember...you are human and mistakes are going to happen. But if they are happening too often, then you need to step back and develop your control.
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- How do I not destroy the trust they show me by letting me do this? By not going into areas that have not been discussed broadly, by making yourself aware of techniques that cover those areas, by gaining knowledge of how to do certain things and...again...communicating with your partner. Someone else said on their post that their are times for surprises and there are those times when a surprise is NOT welcome. If you have NEVER discussed golden showers and you just suddenly take them into the shower (they're thinking you're going to help bathe them because they are kind of out of it from the subspace and "aren't you nice"?) and just suddenly piss on them...especially in the welted areas...I have a feeling it is not going to be quite as "lovely" as it was on your way into the shower.
These are worries I felt deeply, and I have to say, for those who are dominant at all times, I have to say I have new found respect.
Do you think that these are issues your dominant does, or should be, worrying about?
Or if you a dominant, do you identify with any of these, and how do you overcome these worries if you do identify with them?
I think the fact that you are worried at all shows sense and responsibility on your part.
< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 3/14/2014 1:29:11 PM >
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RE: Respecting Dominant Responsibility - 
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