Interrogation (Full Version)

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SwitchBloke -> Interrogation (3/12/2014 9:25:00 PM)

Throughout my life I've always found it very difficult to put what I have to say into words. One day, someone tied me up to a chair and started asking me questions, sort of interrogating me. I found this very relieving... that someone was interested enough in me to go to all this effort to get to the bottom of matters.

I'm just wondering, am I alone in this?

My partner is dominant and won't ask me any questions. Just doesn't seem interested, and I feel bad volunteering stuff because it either comes out wrong or I only tell half of the truth... the half that isn't difficult to say. I feel like he lacks interest in me, that if he really cared he'd be pushing me for information, that he'd not be going "ok" to the few deep things I told him about my past that are very difficult for me to discuss, like abuse and stuff, and then the next moment acting like I'd just told him the sun is out outside.

Am I stuffed up for wishing the guy would push me, and interrogate me to get me to open up? And should I tell him about this, that it's helpful? I feel like I'm just basically telling a dominant how to get through to me, and he'll do it just cos I asked. Whenever I suggest things, he seems to just do them as a matter of courtesy. I feel like he'll be doing this as lip service... like if he cared he'd actually try and find out this stuff instead of having it handed to him.



Blonderfluff -> RE: Interrogation (3/12/2014 9:32:24 PM)

Switch
I think you are expecting your partner to be a mind reader. I don't know anything about your relationship, so I'm going to go on the assumption that it is a healthy one, that works for both of you.
How can he push you to spill your innermost thoughts, when he doesn't even really know that there is anything to spill? You need to just find some time when you are comfortable, and get the ball rolling. Tell him one or two things that are bothering you or weighing heavily. Share those. Then tell him that there are other things that you'd like to verbalize, and that you may need his help. I can't imagine any D type in a good dynamic that wouldn't listen.


Edits to add. Welcome to the forum side! Great thread.



Rawni -> RE: Interrogation (3/12/2014 9:44:00 PM)

You are not alone Switch. I have used this as an enhancement and fun... but it does open some doors for some and they relax as well as get turned on. Like another element to the control and choices or rather, no choice. lol It can be informative and useful. However... what concerns me is that you feel your dominant isn't interested.

Maybe he is uncomfortable with some of what you share and doesn't know how to respond, therefore doesn't encourage it. Not all dominants will want to know what was or how you were formed or came to be, they just don't have that mindset.

Personally, I want to know all I can know and before all else comes about, I know a great deal. If I can't handle something going on... and I still wish to be a part of their life and our dynamic's, I will see to it that whatever it is, is dealt with. That's how I do it, but I have a bit more experience with the emotional sides of what happens in life and crisis. I would think people would want to know because if you are unaware... you could trigger something, but a lot of people figure, they don't need details and sometimes I wouldn't even. Just knowing something is there, they can watch for any trouble.

I guess it just depends on the people involved, but you might want to tell him how you feel so he can speak for himself.

Good luck.



RedMagic1 -> RE: Interrogation (3/12/2014 9:47:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SwitchBloke
And should I tell him about this, that it's helpful?

Yes.

Very few people -- and, especially, very few men -- are trained in professional listening skills. I use a variant of Rogerian Listening (from the therapist Carl Rogers), but I learned that on the job, so to speak, because I had a girlfriend who had a history, and I wanted to be able to communicate with her better.

Think of the "ability to interrogate" as a learnable skill, like playing the piano. People aren't born knowing how to do it. Some have a knack for it, and some people will struggle with it all their lives, but most of us are somewhere in between.



DaddySatyr -> RE: Interrogation (3/12/2014 10:04:36 PM)

I'd like to focus on just one part:

quote:

ORIGINAL: SwitchBloke

My partner is dominant and won't ask me any questions. Just doesn't seem interested, and I feel bad volunteering stuff because it either comes out wrong or I only tell half of the truth... the half that isn't difficult to say. I feel like he lacks interest in me, that if he really cared he'd be pushing me for information, that he'd not be going "ok" to the few deep things I told him about my past that are very difficult for me to discuss, like abuse and stuff, and then the next moment acting like I'd just told him the sun is out outside.



I am going to speak bluntly but I assure you, it is with the best of intentions.

There are people that will tell you that not sharing the whole truth is not being dishonest. I don't hold that opinion.

If you hold back - especially with someone who is supposed to be your partner in life - you're as responsible for some of the issues in your relationship as they are for not seeming "concerned" or "interested".

This is something that I have gone through in some of my relationships. I always encourage frank and open discussions because it is the only way to disallow things to fester. You don't want concerns to turn into mushrooms. You want to stop shoveling shit on top of them and beam some light onto them.

Is your reluctance because you feel like you'd be "bothering" or "pestering" your partner? Do you think that things that concern you would seem trivial to them? Is the importance of those issues to you the part that you are holding back?

I'm not asking you to answer these things publicly; just give them a thought.

In my experience, there have been ladies that I just don't care enough about to get into all the minutia. Those relationships don't last long because if I cared about her, I would care about "what makes her tick".

Several times, I have had to say: "Why didn't you come to me with this sooner?" Almost invariably, the answer has been: "I didn't want to bother you" or "I didn't want to lay that on you while you're dealing with ..."

Quite frankly, that's crap. Life will always throw curveballs at us and part of being in a relationship is to have someone to share the load when we're at our wits' end.

Also, personally, when I'm trapped under a mountain of my own shit, I actually enjoy getting away from it to help someone that I care about with what's going on with them. Plus, working on a relationship is a two way street and if I care to keep my partner in my life, I have to make sure that her wants and needs - physically, emotionally, and intimately as well as sexually - are being taken care of.



Good luck,



Michael



MercTech -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 12:27:46 AM)

When a submissive makes you pull teeth to get any kind of information out of them it quickly becomes not worth the effort.



SwitchBloke -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 1:51:45 AM)

Fast Reply

Thanks guys. I'm gonna take what you've said on board. I need to communicate more with him, tell him what I need. I just hope he takes it on board and actually shows he's interested. I'm a little hurt that he doesn't seem to care about even asking me anything about anything. I actually want a guy who cares about me, not just using me as a toy for his domination and sadism. He doesn't seem like that - he seems to care about me, just not talking with me.



Greta75 -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 2:21:19 AM)

Yea, one thing I learnt about men in life is that, they aren't mind readers, and they may not even be sensitive. If you do not tell them what's wrong, they can't sense it. They simply need to be told in the face straight up. Doms or not, still men.



Aibo -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 2:44:06 AM)

Interrogation is a very good kind of play on several levels.

So just as the OP say, it do help the sub feeling the dominant have an interest in the person.
For me as the dominant, it's great to get input of the person I am dealing with.
And I know, even after I have been with someone for years, there's still details one never have learned in ordinary communication.

And then there's a sadistic aspect, learning what she actually feel and think about being bound, tortured and molested.
It is also a great kick for me as the dominant in that way.

So what is my interrogation chair?
I found mine in a dumpster, one old dentist chair from the 1960's or so. I picked it up immediately seeing the kinky possibilities of it. :D



AlexisANew -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 3:48:34 AM)

Perhaps my interrogation techniques are a bit too freaky but I can't get my head round BDSM interrogation and finding out about past issues. When I interrogate in a scene I become intimidating, cruel, threatening, nice, thoughtful and then back to scary. I have never interrogated someone about their past and wonder how this works. Do you tie them up and then start asking them questions about their childhood/past? do you do that by intimidation? threats? being nice? and when they tell you, do you demand to know more?

I know we are all different but if someone tied me up and interrogated me about my past it would just make me very, very angry.

Its a serious question when I ask how this sort of interrogation works as therapy?



DaddySatyr -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 4:42:17 AM)

Grrrr I actually posted before I finished a thought. The edit will be in red

quote:

ORIGINAL: AlexisANew

Perhaps my interrogation techniques are a bit too freaky but I can't get my head round BDSM interrogation and finding out about past issues. When I interrogate in a scene I become intimidating, cruel, threatening, nice, thoughtful and then back to scary. I have never interrogated someone about their past and wonder how this works. Do you tie them up and then start asking them questions about their childhood/past? do you do that by intimidation? threats? being nice? and when they tell you, do you demand to know more?

I know we are all different but if someone tied me up and interrogated me about my past it would just make me very, very angry.

Its a serious question when I ask how this sort of interrogation works as therapy?



I used to get: "You sound like you're interrogating me; not just asking me questions." all the time from ladies. It was an occupational hazard.

I had to make a conscious effort to change how I asked questions, when I was interested in finding out about a lady.

I can hazard a guess that people that are into this kind of thing because at some point, when they were fairly young, someone important to them (parents, guardians, siblings) made them feel that what they felt was irrelevant.

Like many activities that some of us engage in, the subject desperately wants to engage in the activity (in this case; sharing their feelings) but they feel that it is "wrong" for some reason. Because they feel it's "wrong", they need to be forced to do it. It's that freedom of not having to bear the responsibility.






AlexisANew -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 5:42:12 AM)

@DaddySatyr; Because they feel it's "wrong", they need to be forced to do it. It's that freedom of not having to bear the responsibility.

This makes perfect sense but in an interrogation scenario the interrogator has to know how to correctly handle what's coming. Depending what those past issues are, I wouldn't feel confident or qualified enough to be of much use. I'd probably say all the wrong things and make matters worse but then I'm not a trained therapist.

I think there's a lot of difference between trying to find out about any past issues and making a scene out of it, not that there is anything wrong with a scene if that's what's needed.



DaddySatyr -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 5:48:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AlexisANew

@DaddySatyr; Because they feel it's "wrong", they need to be forced to do it. It's that freedom of not having to bear the responsibility.

This makes perfect sense but in an interrogation scenario the interrogator has to know how to correctly handle what's coming. Depending what those past issues are, I wouldn't feel confident or qualified enough to be of much use. I'd probably say all the wrong things and make matters worse but then I'm not a trained therapist.



I minored in Psychology in college.

Now, I do not engage in interrogation as part of play so, I agree with you, here.

I will say that I really enjoy being a support mechanism for the ladies in my life but, I always warn that while I have a compassionate ear and broad shoulders, I have no desire to be their therapist. There's a fine line.

I am not a therapist because my psychology professor begged me to avoid it at all costs but, I have, very informally, helped acquaintances on several occasions/issues.






SwitchBloke -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 5:58:05 AM)

Maybe I should just see a therapist, and break up with this guy because he clearly has very little interest in me apart from my use, and that's not what I'm after. The nagging issue for me is that he doesn't seem interested in me or learning about me, what I like, what I want, who I am. The idea of asking about me seems foreign to him. And that hurts a lot.

I got something out of being interrogated. I got a sense of order to my words, my mind seemed to work simply and clearly under the pressure, sorting out what I was feeling, what I knew, and I hoped maybe the guy would like to know these things that I find difficult to unjumble into words and sentences. It was a sort of breakthrough. But maybee I should just see a therapist instead.



Blonderfluff -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 6:03:13 AM)

OP. You seem pretty clear about what you need, and i sense that you are dissatisfied with your partner in many areas, not just this one. Therapy is never a bad thing, but maybe you just need to move on from your current relationship?



DaddySatyr -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 6:09:20 AM)

I truly believe that inability to communicate wants/desires/feelings in a relationship speaks to issues that therapy would probably help.

I do agree with you (as I've only heard your side of it) that a partner should (in my opinion) be interested in knowing everything about you.

To my mind, it would be worth staying in the relationship if your complaint was the exact opposite (ie; he wants to know too much. He's "prying" into my personal stuff).

I don't want to be misunderstood. I never meant to put all of this at your doorstep but, I think your inability/unwillingness to communicate your feelings speaks to some issues for you.

I hope things get better for you.






kalikshama -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 6:59:31 AM)

quote:

My partner is dominant and won't ask me any questions. Just doesn't seem interested, and I feel bad volunteering stuff because it either comes out wrong or I only tell half of the truth... the half that isn't difficult to say. I feel like he lacks interest in me, that if he really cared he'd be pushing me for information, that he'd not be going "ok" to the few deep things I told him about my past that are very difficult for me to discuss, like abuse and stuff, and then the next moment acting like I'd just told him the sun is out outside.


Many of the men on this discussion board are good communicators, however, your complaint is not an uncommon one to hear about a man.

Also, as you've said, some of these issues might be better worked out with a therapist than a partner.



kalikshama -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 7:01:57 AM)

Kana made a good post about interrogation recently but the blasted search feature won't uncover it >.<

I'm thinking of the one where LW was telling him "fine" when he knew she wasn't.



mnottertail -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 7:03:02 AM)

Thing of it is, sometimes you guys are birds babbling at a brook, just want to run at the mouth, without men in fixit mode.

And really rough stuff, some of us are concerned that if we comment about that, you will think we are judging you or our words are going to make the guilt or whatever worse.  So we lay it off as a, te nada ,or a think nothing of it, its normal.

Some of us just don't wanna discuss the shit, and dont talk.  Many reasons as there are men.



kalikshama -> RE: Interrogation (3/13/2014 7:08:02 AM)

Yes, I will let my man know if I just want to vent, rather than for him to problem solve, and I will ask my mother and gfs this question as well as my default mode is to problem solve and sometimes they just want to vent.



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