RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master??

RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? (Full Version)

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DarkSteven -> RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? (3/14/2014 4:20:29 AM)
iamhism, give the guy a break. The two of you have a four year relationship. You told him that you want him to change to become your Dom. The relationship's got four years of habits that now may need to be changed. It will NOT happen overnight. Not only that, but I can guarantee you that a real Dominant man will not dominate you in exactly the same way as your fantasies go. I suggest weekly discussions. Try to keep them positive in tone. Be careful not to let them degenerate into finger-pointing sessions. Have the following topics: 1. Here's what I like about the transition to a D/s relationship. 2. Here are some ways I think we could try doing a current activity differently. 3. Here are some new things I'd like to explore. Both of you should talk. And listen to the other. It bothers me that you say that he doesn't possess some qualities a Dom would need. You make it sound like that's his responsibility to have them. It's not. When the relationship started, he never claimed to have them. YOU chose to have the relationship with him. YOU chose to make him your Dom. While I salute you for having to guts to open up about your needs, you need to accept your own share of responsibility for making things work.

theshytype -> RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? (3/14/2014 5:18:25 AM)
For me, kink is the easy part. Painful play required some work just because, as others have said, it's difficult for some to get past the "never hit a girl" mentality. Switching roles, dominant vs submissive, is a little trickier. I believe that's just who we are as people. A job gets tiring, but we get to check out at the end of the day. Having to act a role is no different, it becomes exhausting. But, there's no payoff. It's not worth it. There's no point in being someone we're not. Only he really knows if he's really dominant. You can only really know if he's the dominant for you. I'm a quiet, calm and confident person. Apparently, that intimidates some people and some of those people believe its a quality of a leader and dominant personality (in vanilla world). So, often times people are looking to me to lead. Which I HATE. When I met my now husband, it wasn't much different. He admitted I intimidated him but it wasn't that he thought I was dominant, he just liked me. I didn't like him because he seemed dominant, I liked him because he was sensitive, caring, and very much exhibited self control. Laying next to each other one night, we were only friends, after a night of partying with others. He rubbed my back. He didn't try to go any further like most other men would have. That night, not a moment before, I fell in love with him. Unfortunately, like most, he just assumed I would take the lead in the relationship. I did. Several years went by and it just wasn't working. It was a time for a change, for both of us. I needed to get out of the drivers seat and he needed to move in. We switched seats and have been so much happier ever since. It took time getting used to. It was as if a new relationship was starting, we had to work the kinks out. The role suits him well and I'm finally able to be myself. This was only possible because it's what we BOTH truly wanted. Not to please each other, but to get what we each needed from this relationship. My point is, it's possible but it has to be what you both want/need and are capable of. If it's different from the roles so used to playing, it's going to take time, communication and patience. It's not like flipping a switch and he becomes super Dom. Though, such a switch would be kinda fantastic.

littlewonder -> RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? (3/15/2014 9:35:01 PM)
Anyone can learn to play, to be kinky. That's extremely easy. It's the personality that you are not going to change. So if you're just talking about kinky sex, yeah....he can learn all of that, you both can have fun in the bedroom. He may even learn to like it. BUT if you're talking outside the bedroom and he's not a dominant personality, then there's a very small chance he's going to change just because you want him to. Ask yourself what would you do or react if you were put in the same position?

Blonderfluff -> RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? (3/15/2014 10:50:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: theshytype For me, kink is the easy part. Painful play required some work just because, as others have said, it's difficult for some to get past the "never hit a girl" mentality. Switching roles, dominant vs submissive, is a little trickier. I believe that's just who we are as people. A job gets tiring, but we get to check out at the end of the day. Having to act a role is no different, it becomes exhausting. But, there's no payoff. It's not worth it. There's no point in being someone we're not. Only he really knows if he's really dominant. You can only really know if he's the dominant for you. I'm a quiet, calm and confident person. Apparently, that intimidates some people and some of those people believe its a quality of a leader and dominant personality (in vanilla world). So, often times people are looking to me to lead. Which I HATE. When I met my now husband, it wasn't much different. He admitted I intimidated him but it wasn't that he thought I was dominant, he just liked me. I didn't like him because he seemed dominant, I liked him because he was sensitive, caring, and very much exhibited self control. Laying next to each other one night, we were only friends, after a night of partying with others. He rubbed my back. He didn't try to go any further like most other men would have. That night, not a moment before, I fell in love with him. Unfortunately, like most, he just assumed I would take the lead in the relationship. I did. Several years went by and it just wasn't working. It was a time for a change, for both of us. I needed to get out of the drivers seat and he needed to move in. We switched seats and have been so much happier ever since. It took time getting used to. It was as if a new relationship was starting, we had to work the kinks out. The role suits him well and I'm finally able to be myself. This was only possible because it's what we BOTH truly wanted. Not to please each other, but to get what we each needed from this relationship. My point is, it's possible but it has to be what you both want/need and are capable of. If it's different from the roles so used to playing, it's going to take time, communication and patience. It's not like flipping a switch and he becomes super Dom. Though, such a switch would be kinda fantastic. What a great love story. Thanks for sharing. <3

Arturas -> RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? (3/15/2014 10:55:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst there are a LOT of people who will tell you that this stuff cannot be learned. I say BS. Kink is fun, addictive, sexual and sex is transformative. Sure you cannot get a submissive personality to flip around and become dominant if that is not their natural bent. But if a person has a desire to explore and you give them a map they might take that path. We live in a society where it is uncool to be lording it over someone even with their consent. Breaking the habit of a lifetime does not and cannot happen over night. Saying someone either IS or they AREN'T is putting a label on someone they do not know. I say I have turned more than my share and maybe I have, but I contend people can be mentally released to go beyond their programming and be what they want. IF they want to. This.

Arturas -> RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? (3/15/2014 11:06:10 PM)
quote: if being dominant is something you have to be born with,he is by no means a push over, he just doesn't posses a lot of characteristics a dom would need, i.e self control, and he is trying to work on these things but I think the whole life style is a bit of a shock to his system. It's something we, all males, are born with, witness the little boy who attempts to take control of the house, and then we are modified by modern society in the way we look at things starting with kindergarten where we are taught to play nice and nowadays the aggressive male child is even doped to be less so, and you notice it tends to be male children who are the 'problem'. So, he is born with it and it is suppressed over years and some males have gotten it back and some not so much so although you do have a challenge to re-awaken his natural self you might find the job easier than you think if you are so motivated because behind every great man is indeed a woman and I am sure he is indeed a great man since he has you, a very great woman.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? (3/16/2014 1:37:18 AM)
fr So many good points already in this thread. I believe turning someone onto kink is fairly easy if they are open minded. Most people get off on getting their partner off, so it's relatively simple to find some common ground in the bedroom if you're both putting in the effort. On the other hand, being the boss outside the bedroom takes a lot more work, and if he just doesn't feel the urge, it's going to become a chore. I think he can learn how to be a dom, but only if he really wants to. Taking on a lifetime of responsibility is a daunting prospect. DarkSteven said that you've got to give him some time, and he's right. He's had four years in this relationship, and I'm assuming he was pleased with how it was going. Now you're asking him to change it entirely for your tastes. Even if he's 100% up for it, it's going to be a long road of getting comfortable and figuring things out. You might have to accept that his style of dominance means you only get occasional orders and have a lot of autonomy. Part of being the submissive is submitting to his will. It's unfair to say 'hey, I want you to be in charge' and then follow that up with 'in the exact way I imagined it'. Either you want him to be the dom, or you don't. Of course it will be different that you imagined, and you should communicate your feelings well, but you should also give him room to actually dominate in the way that suits him. Otherwise you're heading for guaranteed burnout as he starts to feel that acting out your fantasy is his full time job. Lastly, you said he doesn't have the right personality traits for what you consider to be a dom. Well, tough. He's not going to change, this is who he is, and at some point you must have accepted these things about him. Now you're telling him that because your ideas have changed, he needs to change his whole personality. Unfair much? He could just as easily ask you to change the part of your personality which makes you want to submit. People change, needs change. But ultimately, you're the one who decided to change things so while it's great that he's accommodating, the burden is on you. If you don't think he has the right personality, then why set him up to fail by casting him as a dom? Seems like you have three choices, in that case: - Walk away and find someone who does meet your newly admitted needs. Seems a shame if the relationship is otherwise good, but if you're no longer content, it's an option - Accept that he never signed up to be your dom, and appreciate the bedroom kink he is offering - Work out how to serve the person you have, along with his own personality flaws. Support him in the areas he is weak. Emphasize his strengths. Show him how good life can be with your service. And don't pressure him to do it the way you have fantasised. Little secret - our fantasies are rarely realistic. The longer you've been imagining this, the more time you've had to invent a fantasy dom who is perfect in every way and makes your submissive side quiver at his very presence. Do not make your real-life partner compete with this fictional fantasy dominant. It's not fair, he will never win and you will both be miserable.

ExiledTyrant -> RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? (3/16/2014 5:22:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arturas It's something we, all males, are born with, witness the little boy who attempts to take control of the house, and then we are modified by modern society in the way we look at things starting with kindergarten where we are taught to play nice and nowadays the aggressive male child is even doped to be less so, and you notice it tends to be male children who are the 'problem'. So, he is born with it and it is suppressed over years and some males have gotten it back and some not so much so although you do have a challenge to re-awaken his natural self you might find the job easier than you think if you are so motivated because behind every great man is indeed a woman and I am sure he is indeed a great man since he has you, a very great woman. "SOME" Who is your ISP on Counter Earth, because the speed and signal strength is amazing. Jus sayin Exiled

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? (3/16/2014 5:41:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arturas quote: if being dominant is something you have to be born with,he is by no means a push over, he just doesn't posses a lot of characteristics a dom would need, i.e self control, and he is trying to work on these things but I think the whole life style is a bit of a shock to his system. It's something we, all males, are born with, witness the little boy who attempts to take control of the house, and then we are modified by modern society in the way we look at things starting with kindergarten where we are taught to play nice and nowadays the aggressive male child is even doped to be less so, and you notice it tends to be male children who are the 'problem'. So, he is born with it and it is suppressed over years and some males have gotten it back and some not so much so although you do have a challenge to re-awaken his natural self you might find the job easier than you think if you are so motivated because behind every great man is indeed a woman and I am sure he is indeed a great man since he has you, a very great woman. Sorry Arty, this is the biggest piece of shit diatribe bollocks I've seen you post for ages!! One simple premise, and your whole foundation, is completely WRONG!! Not all males are born with this artificial superiority complex. Sheeesh!!

sexyred1 -> RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? (3/16/2014 6:10:19 AM)
Wow....that is some romance novel stuff right there, as well as a crazy sweeping generalization.

LadyConstanze -> RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? (3/16/2014 6:24:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant "SOME" Who is your ISP on Counter Earth, because the speed and signal strength is amazing. Jus sayin Exiled It would be nice if those fantasies would actually work in reality

Kana -> RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? (3/16/2014 6:36:21 AM)
Hmmm, I can teach most people the basic mechanics of drawing. but I can't give them the eye that turns sketching to art. Same thing applies to BDSM. Any idjit can wield a whip.To do so with nuance, style and elan, now that's a rare and precious thing indeed

theshytype -> RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? (3/16/2014 1:54:57 PM)
quote: What a great love story. Thanks for sharing. <3 You're very welcome. [:)]

UllrsIshtar -> RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? (3/16/2014 2:08:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze quote: ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant "SOME" Who is your ISP on Counter Earth, because the speed and signal strength is amazing. Jus sayin Exiled It would be nice if those fantasies would actually work in reality Ah come on... if there is anybody on this board who needs to be able to hold on to the idea that submissives can become dominants, whether that's an illusion or not, it would be him. Don't ruin fantasies. It's all BDSM is really about... isn't it?

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? (3/16/2014 2:25:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kana Hmmm, I can teach most people the basic mechanics of drawing. but I can't give them the eye that turns sketching to art. Same thing applies to BDSM. Any idjit can wield a whip.To do so with nuance, style and elan, now that's a rare and precious thing indeed The basics of being a dominant are not hard to learn. It's a part most can roleplay easily , if they choose. To actually attain mastery of yourself is a completely different concept. It takes years of self reflection and spiritual growth. Here's link to an article I wrote about how to get your husband to dominate you in bed. http://beyond50shades.com/2013/11/24/how-can-i-get-my-husband-to-dominate-me-in-bed-part-1-opening-communication/ Even if you want to stick to the bedroom, it will take time and motivation on bother your parts.

Musicmystery -> RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? (3/16/2014 3:41:38 PM)
quote: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? No. That's an inside job.

ExiledTyrant -> RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? (3/16/2014 3:44:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Musicmystery quote: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? No. That's an inside job. HA! Feckin brilliant! Jus sayin Exiled

PeonForHer -> RE: can you turn someone into a dominant/master?? (3/16/2014 4:00:07 PM)
quote: Even if you want to stick to the bedroom, it will take time and motivation on bother your parts. Can I say that that was possibly the most head-scrambling typo I've seen on these boards, Chatte?

Missokyst -> mastery (3/16/2014 7:06:25 PM)
I didn't want to hijack this thread http://www.collarchat.com/m_4657544/mpage_1/tm.htm, but I thought this deserved a bit of time on its own. quote: ORIGINAL: iamhism but im starting to wonder if being dominant is something you have to be born with,he is by no means a push over, he just doesn't posses a lot of characteristics a dom would need, i.e self control, and he is trying to work on these things but I think the whole life style is a bit of a shock to his system. quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt To actually attain mastery of yourself is a completely different concept. It takes years of self reflection and spiritual growth. I have always gravitated toward dominant men, and fortunately for me, kink or not they seem to have found me. I was lucky in that I started this before there were rules and people were just people, not defined labels. After my son was born I took over a decade away from any sort of relationship and when I came back.... there was the Web. AOL, Chat rooms, IRC, kink, all available and developing their own flavor of activities. The thing that bothered me most was the implication that the dominant knew best. It was as if any knowledge and experience I had gained in life was not as valuable as the dominant in the room. And if he had mastery.. lord, that was skill, smarts, experience and self control. But, that self control thing didn't seem to be as much about him (or what ever pronoun you choose), as it was about the illusion of control. Many times the overt display of that was that some sub/slave was willing to follow. I have met masters with money, masters with property, masters with stables of subs, masters who were monogamous, and masters with very little except the gift of getting someone to follow. And that SEEMS like a degree of mastery unless the people following would have followed anyone. It was a very rare thing for me to run across men who I could say demonstrated years of self reflection or spiritual growth. Of those men with whom I have spent some time with in the last 15 yrs or so I can say maybe 3 or 5 of them were men I could say, "yeah, I would listen to that." Or even "yes I would follow him even if it means putting my skepticism on hold and trust his decisions, no matter what." I tend to choose men that are normal.. average I guess, in that they don't stress on what they do. They are comfy in their own skins, kind of like me. Only one of those guys used the definer "wise", when describing himself, and he was a lawyer. I figured he worked and paid for his smarts who was I to call him on it. LOL plus he was a good lover and playmate and honestly if you rule my body, you have my attention for a lot more. So, how do you define mastery? What kicks things up a notch from playmate, to dominant, to master in your mind?

littlewonder -> RE: mastery (3/16/2014 7:20:58 PM)
playmate: Don't care who or what they are as long as they are hot and can fuck well. dominant: Has a dominant personality meaning: likes to take control of a situation, extremely task-oriented and focused on achieving goals, enjoys being able to take charge and get things done if the need arises, one who takes the lead. Mastery: knowledge and skill that allows you to do, use, or understand something very well, complete control of something, in possession or display of great skill or technique, skill or knowledge that makes one a Master. I personally tend to like Mastery, men who have mastered themselves and me and many, many other things in life.

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