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Restarting after a break? - 3/14/2014 5:55:11 AM

FeralFoxy

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Hi all! Not only have I been away from here for nearly two years, I've been out of the D/s life for about as long. Almost as soon as I got pregnant I started having problems with my health, and everything took a back seat to that. The little is needy and doesn's let us have much private time. We're living on out land, which we've been developing day by day, so we're very busy. Basically, we've been so tired and preoccupied with other things that all BDSM or D/s has fallen by the wayside. But now we're wanting to start easing back into it.

I'm wondering what other people's experiences have been with getting back into things after an extended break, especially if it was due.to a health problem or having a child, something that didn't even allow your mind to drift that direction. How long did it take to hit your stride again? What kind of bumps did you encounter in the road? Any tips on keeping your head in the D/s game when there's a toddler fussing and clinging to your leg? It has been so long and we've been so far out of it, I almost feel like we're starting from the beginning, but yet not. It's weird.

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RE: Restarting after a break? - 3/14/2014 6:06:36 AM

ARIES83

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Welcome back, and congrats on the bub.

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RE: Restarting after a break? - 3/14/2014 6:15:04 AM

angelikaJ

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You are starting over: you had a baby, and now you are parents.
Being parents changes you.

You are very different people than you were before baby's arrival.

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RE: Restarting after a break? - 3/14/2014 6:25:39 AM

FeralFoxy

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We were already parents, so we were at least semi-prepared for that aspect. Alpha and I have been together since my son was two years old. But he (Badger) lives with his other dad, and is only with us for summers and holidays, so it's a different situation. Junebug is with us all the time, even sleeping in our bed at night. And I'm a stay-at-home dad, so she's with me literally 24/7. It's hard to get my head out of the daddy zone.

We're thinking we need to go over checklists, and write out a contract this time. We have never done that in the past, but it's different now. We're even going to start out with safewords, until we figure things back out. I'm not sure what else we can do to make our new start less bumpy.

Eta: Thanks for the congrats.

She's a supercoolawesome kid.

< Message edited by FeralFoxy -- 3/14/2014 6:31:10 AM >

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RE: Restarting after a break? - 3/14/2014 9:55:49 AM

angelikaJ

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One thing I figured out awhile ago was why kids can perceive their parents to be so different.
It is because they are different with each kid.

Siblings all have different parents, even if the parents are biologically identical.

I wish you all the best.
This journey may be different than the last time around.
May it bring you both new wonders.

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RE: Restarting after a break? - 3/14/2014 10:09:32 AM

UllrsIshtar

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I found that the most important thing you can do to get back into the swing of things is to focus on what works today, instead of how things were.

When you try something you used to do all the time, and was great then, and you can't get into it now for whatever reason, just move on. Don't make a fuss or a big deal out of it, don't see it as proof for the eminent demise of your entire relationship and sexlife, don't assume that because it didn't work today it never will again. And for the love of God, don't sit down and try to analyze what happened and why in the few precious moments you're going to have to actually be kinky. If you must talk it out, do so at a time you couldn't have been kinky anyways, but during the times you do have to be kinky, just make note of the fact that it didn't work, and move on, without fuss, to something that does work.

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RE: Restarting after a break? - 3/14/2014 12:37:35 PM

CreativeDominant

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Having had my children and raised them up to the ages of 15 and 12 before finally leaving my home situation, I have not been on the road you are on. So much of what I have to offer is going to sound clichéd and similar to what many others tell you...take your time and remember that while you are trying to get back into one side of the mindset, your partner is trying to get back into the other side of the mindset. And just as those two mindsets are different, the pull on you as individuals related to a young'un are going to be different. That young'un needs and wants certain things from Dad and other things from Mom and her needs are going to be based on who does what best. An example of that: My kids loved the breakfast Dad fed them...had no time for Mom's food. They loved the way Dad rough-housed with them...Mom did not cut it. But when they wanted someone to bathe them, touch them, talk softly to them, they went to the same place as I did (at the time)...Mom. So PATIENCE is a key here.

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RE: Restarting after a break? - 3/14/2014 9:53:45 PM

FeralFoxy

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Thank you for all the advice. All of it is helpful.

Ishtar, your point about not trying to remake the past is an excellent one, so thank you. We've been completely separated from our old dynamic for a long time. It's like looking at a photo of a happy event - I can remember that it happened, and even make an emotional connection with it, but I can't truly remember exactly what it felt like to be there. Trying to jump back into how things were, when we can't even really remember how things were, would be impossible, and counterproductive to try.

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RE: Restarting after a break? - 3/14/2014 10:53:20 PM

LadyPact

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Again, welcome back. It's great to see you.

I've done 'break' and came back, but not due to anything like you're talking about. Heck, My first dynamic was before I met MP and back in those days, I just considered it something I did.

Ishtar is right, though. I wouldn't think your goal is to make things like they used to be. Let them be what they are now. Looking at it now, I'm ridiculously glad that I didn't come back and just limit Myself to the way things were then.

Congratulations on the Junebug. I know parents of little ones can face certain challenges. There are some groups on the other site that are dedicated to BDSM and parenting.

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RE: Restarting after a break? - 3/15/2014 6:01:31 AM

evesgrden

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You are starting from scratch but you both bring experience to the table when it comes to addressing bumps in a new d/s relationship. You know how to communicate, and you know how to communicate with each other. This is huge.

I would suggest starting with a few rules that are easy to obey. Just go for some consistency. As that becomes routine add a few more. As long as you do this gradually and with lots of feedback to each other you should be able to get back into the grove while still being able navigate the world of family and responsible parenting.

It will be different, particularly when it comes to spontaneity. In fact that may be where you'll need to put in some clear planning when it comes to play.. make time for it. Make it fun to start as if you were just experimenting with some tap and tickle top bottom stuff.

Oh yes.. and one more thing: the parenting. Is one person going to have final say in this arena? That's difficult and dangerous ground. Are you equals where you get to say your piece.. "freedom to speak freely"? Will one of you exert their authority over the other in front of the children? Will they know that one of you is the "real" boss? That could undermine the other's authority. You may want to talk about all these things well in advance and troubleshoot them as much as you can. Play devil's advocate. When you come across something that you haven't planned for (and of course this will occur) work out the "what should have happened" scenario when it's NOT an issue. When neither of you are upset. That's hard to do because when there's peace no one wants to rock the boat and bring up past problems but if it's about something that could recur you need to do that. Otherwise the baggage inventory builds and builds.

The 3 biggest problems that I've observed and dealt with in relationships are
1. finances
2. division of labor
3. child rearing practices

Sounds simple, but people with incredible love for each, chemistry, means, supports and so forth can screw up the best relationships by not dealing with those 3 issues head on.

good luck

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RE: Restarting after a break? - 3/15/2014 7:44:52 AM

FeralFoxy

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The kids (being unconsenting minors) aren't part of our dynamic, so the rules are suspended when it comes to them. All parenting decisions are made in usual vanilla way, with both dads contributing their opinion on equal footing. Actually, my opinion carries a bit moe weight, just by virtue of being the the stay-at-home dad, and being better informed on parenting issues.

Spontaneity is one of the bigger questions for us. For me, getting back into a submissive mindset is also proving to be a challenge. Our natures and dynamic aren't quite like anyone else on this board (that I'm aware of) in that I am submit because I make a conscious choice to do so each day, rather than because I have a truly submissive personality. So after not making that choice in quite a while, it's difficult to get back into doing it.

Again, thanks to everyone for the advice and suggestions, they have all been helpful.

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RE: Restarting after a break? - 3/15/2014 10:29:20 AM

DesFIP

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With a small person around, the last thing you need is a contract demanding you live up to things when it may not be physically possible.

Let's say you contract to rise first and make the coffee. And then you spend all night sitting up at the side of a sick kidlet, finally passing out on the floor. No way you're going to get up half an hour later to make the coffee.

I'd aim for goals instead. And you need to make alone time for each of you, as well as date night.

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RE: Restarting after a break? - 3/15/2014 11:44:48 AM

FeralFoxy

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Actually, I would get up to make the coffee, unless he directed me to stay and get some sleep. Which would be likely in that situation.

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