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Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/14/2014 8:42:45 PM   
angelgirlsubmiss


Posts: 2
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		Masters, is it possible for you to be dominant in the bedroom only and equal outside of it? Or does a true Master / Sub relationship have to be outside of the bedroom as well? Thank you
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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/14/2014 8:50:27 PM   
Blonderfluff


Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline 		Hi Angel, and welcome to the forums side. I think you will find that most here really dislike any reference to any "true" anything. The only thing that matters is what is true to YOU
So. My answer to you is yes. It is very possible and very common to only have a bedroom dynamic.

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/14/2014 9:02:37 PM   
angelgirlsubmiss


Posts: 2
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you, I have been getting conflicting answers :)

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/14/2014 9:04:59 PM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelgirlsubmiss

Masters, is it possible for you to be dominant in the bedroom only and equal outside of it? Or does a true Master / Sub relationship have to be outside of the bedroom as well? Thank you


We have a girl here that you should talk to. Lemme see if I can get her in here... SHIFTYW!

_____________________________

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To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/14/2014 9:27:40 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Masters, is it possible for you to be dominant in the bedroom only and equal outside of it? Or does a true Master / Sub relationship have to be outside of the bedroom as well? Thank you

Oh, boy. There are different relationships and different dynamics, and each one has a different label.

Per MY definition, a Master/slave relationship takes place in the bedroom AND out of it. However, there are plenty of relationships exactly as you described, where the man Tops and the woman bottoms in the bedroom and they are equals outside, but I wouldn't call them master/slave.

My recommendation is to get the relationships that works for the two of you, and worry about the labels later.

Edited to add: OMG. You've been a member for ten years, and you just made your very first posts! Cool! Welcome to the forums!



< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 3/14/2014 9:31:08 PM >

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/14/2014 9:33:27 PM   
MisterP61


Posts: 1345
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline 		Pretty much what I would answer. The relationship will be as you want it to be. (By you I mean both parties, or more if poly). The relationship can change as fast as the weather in Colorado Springs, or stay as stoic and long as a winter in Alaska. The options really are endless for you.

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/14/2014 9:53:15 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		There is quite a lot that's possible angel.
If you, or him, or her, only feel inclined to be dominant in the bedroom, then so be it.

Though there are no really concrete definitions, I find that the term 'Master' goes together with 'Slave' as Dominant with submissive. Though, whatever you identify with and choose to call yourselves is fine to.

What are your expectations? Do you feel it's right to be bedroom only or 24/7?
If your expectations differ from your partner's, then you need to think about how to communicate that.
No one can tell you what's right, wrong or true for you, only you can figure that out.

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/14/2014 10:52:50 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Labels mean something only to the ones using it, so whether someone else thinks you are a sub or lslave, it only matters to you and your partner.

I don't doubt you get some conflicting answers. They probably come from guys who are quick to expect you to be submissive to them from the first message too. Tell them to fuck off. Does it matter is DarkSteven Thinks you are a bottom looking for a top? You aren't getting in a relationship with him, so nope.

If someone tells you that it must extend outside the bedroom, they have provided very useful information to you. That being you aren't a good match.

You and your partner are the only ones who decide the parameters of your relationship, so basically if you both decided you would only be submissive in the kitchen and you bother happy with it, that's what matters. Although in that case, I would hope your partner had some skills in the kitchen, lol.

Don't let anyone force you or push you to redefine what you want, but of course with the right partner, keep an open mind and be willing to explore.

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/15/2014 1:08:32 AM   
crazyml


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Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelgirlsubmiss

Thank you, I have been getting conflicting answers :)


Firslty, thanks for posting... and please post more!

Now to your OP...

You'll get conflicting answers for sure!

I think there's a whole spectrum, from people that are quite literally only dominant in the bedroom, to people that want a complete d/s dynamic all of the time.

Speaking for myself, I'm somewhere in the middle... all of my relationships have a thread of d/s that is ever present, but the level of intensity waxes and wanes according to the situation. In pretty much all of my relationships they've appeared completely equal to the outside world.

As other, smarter than me, posters have already pointed out - the key is that you establish a dynamic that works for you.

So, if you come across someone who wants to overtly dictate every aspect of your life, then they're not for you, that doesn't mean they're wrong in that desire, just that it's not a great match with yours.

In a bizarre, and perhaps controversial for some, way I reckon that "equality" lies at the heart of every healthy relationship - Not equality of power (because every relationship finds a balance of power) but in terms of the idea that both parties have an equal right to find fulfilment in the relationship.



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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/15/2014 1:56:10 AM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline 		Welcome to the boards (finally).

I would just add one thing:

While no one can define your relationships for you, I don't think Steven went quite far enough.

If I am looking at profiles and I see: "Bottom" it connotes (to me) that the person is probably only into BDSM or "bed room" activities.

If I see: "Submissive" it tells me that the person is not only looking for BDSM activities but that they are indeed interested in a power exchange dynamic.

Again, I am not saying that you don't have a right to forge your own niche but, words have accepted as well as dictionary meanings.



Good luck,



Michael

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/15/2014 3:14:30 AM   
Kithra


Posts: 6
Joined: 1/23/2014
Status: offline 		Summing it all and adding my tuppence to it:

1. The only people who get to define what's "right" is you and your partner. Everyone else can pretty much go play with whatever definitions and dynamics they want to use.
2. There are relationships that do BDSM only in the bedroom. There are relationships that extend outside the bedroom. There are relationships that extend WAYYYYY beyond the front door.
3. Labels such as "Master", "Slave", "Dominant", "Submissive" have nearly as many meanings as the people using them. Each ascribes their own set of values and qualities to those words. Your mileage may vary.

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/15/2014 5:00:13 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

I don't doubt you get some conflicting answers. They probably come from guys who are quick to expect you to be submissive to them from the first message too. Tell them to fuck off. Does it matter is DarkSteven Thinks you are a bottom looking for a top? You aren't getting in a relationship with him, so nope.



Obviously typed from a phone with autocorrect. Should have been " Does it matter if DarkSteven thinks you are a bottom looking for a top? You aren't getting in a relationship with him, so nope."

I did not say that I thought that. My main point was that the relationship should be important, and the labels not so much, so I feel like you took me out of context by implying that I'm concerned with what label to apply to her. I have no way of knowing is the relationship she described is really what she wants, and assumed that she's simply asking a question to learn.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/15/2014 5:07:48 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		As others have said, of course it's possible. I believe *most* people get into BDSM through the bedroom. I know I did. It was very much a sexual thing for me. Over time that changed, but it doesn't have to.

There are people who are going to want to confuse you with labels. Don't let them. And please don't try to behave like a label.

You are what I would call a bedroom submissive, looking for a bedroom dominant, and if you want to call him Master in that context, why the hell not?

Other people may call this top and bottom, as opposed to dom and sub, but again, don't get too hung up on labels. The important thing is to go into any relationship with a good solid foundation of information, and you can find that here.

So a very big welcome to the discussion side, and please let us know if you have more questions.









< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 3/15/2014 5:08:18 AM >

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/15/2014 5:16:56 AM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		You rang?
Everyone else gave great advice, but here's my input-

Don't let anyone tell you what is "true" and what isn't. The only thing that matters is what is true for yourself.

My dynamic is bedroom only. I love pain and being bossed around sexually. I call myself a bottom and my boyfriend of 4 years is my "Top". We are very happy, monogamous, etc.
I've only had one TPE (total power exchange) relationship since I got into BDSM at 18 (I'm almost 26 now). Almost every other relationship was bedroom only.

I'm a pretty in charge person outside the bedroom, and I loathed (LOATHED) being told what to do outside the bedroom and it made me resent him, and he was disappointed in me all the time for not being able to live up to his standards. Now, before everyone gets their panties in a bunch, I do blame myself for ending up in that miserable dynamic- but I won't be engaging in TPE again very easily- and thats ok!

Everyone's dynamic is different, no matter what label they slap on it.

Whatever feels right for you, is right for you! Don't let anyone tell you different or try to convince you to be untrue to yourself.

Also this is really a good summary of what I just said:
quote:

So, if you come across someone who wants to overtly dictate every aspect of your life, then they're not for you, that doesn't mean they're wrong in that desire, just that it's not a great match with yours.


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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/15/2014 6:14:56 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		You are asking two different questions, for which there are two different answers IMO.

quote:

Masters, is it possible for you to be dominant in the bedroom only and equal outside of it?

Yes

quote:

Or does a true Master / Sub relationship have to be outside of the bedroom as well? Thank you

The title Master implies a power exchange outside the bedroom as well. Otherwise, what has he mastered?

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/15/2014 8:11:35 AM   
BecomingV


Posts: 916
Joined: 11/11/2013
Status: offline 		OP - Yes, a Master can be a bedroom master only. However, there does seem to be a majority who believe that a Master is a comprehensive, 24/7, total power exchange in which the Master has accepted responsibility for another human. I agree with other posters to not get hung up on labels, but when having discussions with others, it can be useful to know that most of the time, "Master" is not used to mean, "bedroom only." You'd just need to elaborate beyond the title to be clear.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
quote:

Or does a true Master / Sub relationship have to be outside of the bedroom as well? Thank you

The title Master implies a power exchange outside the bedroom as well. Otherwise, what has he mastered?


Wow! Well, if more men understood the time, research, practice and skill-building involved in just being a decent/acceptable sexual partner, those statistics about women not having orgasms would disappear.

When a man has set upon himself, the task of mastering a woman's body in a sexual way, and then he succeeds, he has indeed become her Master. When it is that good; when he is that present, when he's become the source of her deepest pleasure, that woman will do absolutely anything for him. Sexual mastery is a rare, superpower. It matters.

Who is to judge if a woman responds to a stick or to a lick? It's the couple who needs to please themselves, agreed? The OP is exploring bedroom M/s relationships.

When I was a sub, a severe beating that resulted in bruising that lasted for 6 weeks, did not so much as inspire a single tear. This is not my area of vulnerability. Quite the opposite, I learned.

Someone like me could never submit to a man who couldn't make me lose my mind through sexuality. To me, the deepest trust grows through sexual (nonverbal) communication. I don't trust words, but I trust how your touch makes me feel. I trust how I can feel you react to my touch. So, for me, an equal relationship with M/s bedroom dynamics would work well. It would pour out into our vanilla world, in that I would be so grateful for the pleasure, I would be obsessed with finding ways to give that pleasure back and to keep it flowing between us.

Some here would say I just described a vanilla relationship with some bedroom kinks. That is okay that they describe it that way. But, they would be incorrect about applying their description to my experience.

I guess I'm saying that in some M/s relationships, there is no sex, only service, or punishment dynamics. In other M/s relationships, it's the sexual mastery that inspires surrender and a deep desire to give pleasure in return.

I can negotiate buying a house, or saving for retirement or where to vacation with an equal partner, who can make me lose all capacity for thought with a glance across a room, or a word spoken on a phone. He WILL be controlling the conversation and will not have any difficulty in getting his way - because of the mastery attained via sexual pleasure.

ETA - IMO, mastery attained via sexual pleasure is the most challenging of all ways to attain mastery. Comparatively, learning protocol, positions or how to wield a flogger is the easy stuff.

Sadly, some subs have found that there are men who are incompetent or lazy or selfish lovers who attempt to hide that deficit in a BDSM role. I can recall one sub who was shocked to learn that even when her Dom got everything his way, he still wasn't able to sexually perform in a satisfactory way. The sub may even be called, "shallow" for her desire when he is less sexual than she. So, it's important to understand the difference between domination and mastery.

Best of luck!


< Message edited by BecomingV -- 3/15/2014 9:25:14 AM >

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Previously known as:
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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/15/2014 8:56:09 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Umm... Sex?  Orgasm creating? The ability to present a commanding presence in a limited arena?  Her?


quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
Or does a true Master / Sub relationship have to be outside of the bedroom as well? Thank you

The title Master implies a power exchange outside the bedroom as well. Otherwise, what has he mastered?


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/15/2014 11:04:36 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Great posting Becoming, I agree with you entirely. Very eloquently stated as well.

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/15/2014 2:34:38 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		DarkSteven,

I actually was making a point using what you said and don't believe it was out of context at all. There was no implication from me that you feel labels are more important than the relationship. Simply that your labels should mean nothing to her as the two of you aren't discussing engaging in a relationship.

DaddySatyr,

To me, when I see "top" or "bottom" it implies casual play, not a committed relationship. An example would be scenes LP does at times. She tops someone who enjoys her sadism as a bottom. She isn't their dominant and has no control over that person beyond the scene.

I get that many say that is the same as a bedroom dynamic where outside the bedroom there is no D/s, but because they are in a committed relationship, the terms top and bottom don't fit for me.

And as my original point was and remains, everyone defines things differently and there is no problem with that as long as the people in the relationship are comfortable with their definition, doesn't matter if you call yourselfs king and chambermaid, pirate and bar wench. If the people in the relationship are happy, its no one elses business or place to tell them their definitions are wrong.

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RE: Can you be dominant in the bedroom only? - 3/15/2014 2:43:35 PM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline 		Okay, I see that clarity is an issue and T/b D/s labels aren't working. Have no fear, I shall fix it. From this day foreword we shall have official labels for bedroom players:

Snarfalopolus: A girl that is kinky only in the bedroom and Tops her partner.

Snarfalumpulous: A girl that is kinky only in the bedroom and bottoms to her partner.

Snarfalumpulous-rex: A switch bedroom player.

Wufaloozalu: A guy that is kinky only in the bedroom and Tops his partner.

Wufalorus: A guy that is kinky only in the bedroom and bottoms to his partner.

Wufalorus-rex: A switchy bedroom player.

I haz spoken!

Exiled

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

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