Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Did I just create a mess?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> RE: Did I just create a mess? Page: <<   < prev  1 2 3 [4] 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/16/2014 5:53:46 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I am banking on loneliness being a factor for you in terms of letting the male friend get drunk in your home and insecurity to act once you could see that he was leading up to something - people are unpredictable when alcohol is involved, that's a fact and may be a possible reason, but I do think you need to work at setting boundaries to avoid situations like this in the future. Sometimes we give off vibes we don't pick up on yet others do. Out of other female friends he and your other friend may have, he chose YOU to behave that way to and you have to ask yourself why.


You know, I'm married, not lonely at all, but a friend coming over (as they frequently do, with H being around or not), I tend to offer them a drink. Don't know where you live, but around these parts and how I grew up, that's considered hospitality and manners. If somebody is keeling over drunk, you offer a coffee and to call a cab, if somebody is sober or soberish, you offer a beverage of their choice, that's the reason why we usually have wine, beer and soft drinks. It's called being polite and hospitable.

I expect that adults make their own choices if they drink or not, telling others what they can do or not, if they can have alcoholic beverages or not, it would be considered rather rude behaviour. A sure fire way to find yourself very lonely, due to simple unacceptable and rude behaviour.

I can only say that it must be very strange circles where people have to set boundaries for others in their own homes, grown ups usually do have boundaries, that's why they had parents and education.

It must be also a completely different world than the one I'm used to, where as a woman you are automatically responsible for all actions of a man, it's wonderful to live in Europe and not in a Taliban country.

Somebody acting inappropriate, I put that down to the person's lack of manners and boundaries. I'm pretty sure nobody would tell a man to ask himself why, if the roles were reversed, so why on earth does a woman have to justify herself for a man's inappropriate actions? Is this some weird time warp and we're back in the 50's? What's next? A guy rapes a woman and she has to defend herself for wearing a short skirt?

Every couple of years something happens and I get a bit messed about because somebody takes advantage, once I notice, I put a stop to it, but I refuse to expect that everybody on the planet is out to get me, if I'd do that, I might have had the odd problem less, but I'd also wouldn't have a bunch of wonderful friends. Shit happens, it's a fact of life, the only people I really distrust are the ones who are always so distrustful of others, because I think it reflects their own core, if as a person you're not trustworthy, of course you expect everybody else to be the same.

Yes, in hindsight, LL could have acted differently, and wouldn't it all be nice if in a situation we aren't prepared for and we didn't see coming, we'd all would have 20/20 vision and hindsight? Massive difference between analysing a situation as an outsider and being in the middle of that situation.

To keep it in perspective, the guy crossed a boundary, he did so uninvited, LL made that clear, people make mistakes, she's not responsible for his relationship (which seems troubled anyway), she tried to encourage him to be open about it to his spouse, she's done her part. She should grab him when he's sober and read him the riot act and tell him that her shoe is ruined (if he has any decency he will buy her a new shoe, it's a test of his character), then it's up to him. Since she now knows that he gets out of hand when drunk (not everybody does), maybe also a "Don't come around when you had a few and I don't want to discuss your sexual preferences, makes me uncomfy!" DONE

In short, I rather help somebody out who turns out to be an a-hole and get burned, than using the convenient excuse of "could get burned, which guarantee do I have..." and risk letting somebody go to hell who deserves help. I've been in situations and friends and strangers went the extra mile for me to help, I'd be a taker if I wouldn't do the same for others, what goes around comes around.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to MissMorrigan)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/16/2014 1:54:18 PM   
Rawni


Posts: 1175
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Rawni,

My judgement of your anger had nothing to do with the cursing. I curse like a sailor more often than not, regardless of my mood. But there was a great deal of anger in your post. Agree, disagree, makes no difference.

If you seriously believe that our life experiences don't color our world view, then yes, you are deluded.

I handled the situation the way I saw fit at that moment. Does that mean I would handle it the same in another moment? No. But that's the way I handle things, others certainly handle things differently. And the ccircumstances surrounding each individual event, I take into consideration.

I've had my share of freaking out at things, no denying it. But I tend more toward rationality than impulsivity. And freaking out is ALWAYS an impulse.




What happens in our lives can color our world especially if we do not have a great handle on ourselves. Remember the saying I came up with when I was twelve and had horrific things happen to me? If you know so much about me, you ought to know some of those. You want to bring up my past, so lets go there. At a young age, I determined that if bad people act like bad people and do bad things to me, they win if I let that change me. I wasn't about to let them change me. I focused on getting through whatever happened, learning to protect myself in a physical realm... which my step father taught us and continuing. I felt strong and able not insecure and defenseless and feeling insecure or defenseless leads to more damage when the bad stuff happens. It leads to freaking out, not knowing how to handle things or anything that might happen to you.

People can be very wounded, I know, I worked with the wounded. If I had not had personal answers I would have been a basket case, like one doctor said I should be with all that happened. He specifically said.. you should be in a facility knocking your head against a wall. I was shocked when he said that. Turned and looked him in the eye and said why should I be doing that when I can be out here doing all this?

We have choices when we are victimized. Those choices can lead to major upheaval in our lives or they can set a foundation for how we view life, how we handle it and how we proceed. We can continue to be a victim or we can not only survive, but be strengthened. I know which choice I take. We do not have to be damaged goods or color our world in ways that discolor our world. To be assured of our continuance of self and good self ego and happiness... it is in how you handle life, not what happens to you.

I tend to send the more serious cases to professionals, but I didn't do the work I did, not having answers for the wounded, the victim and those in crisis. My email is still filled with people here and elsewhere that seek to understand how to get through or to discus how they are in crisis.

I do not live unhappy. I do not sit and cry the blues... I get through the moment, I may mourn something, but I get a move on and that isn't someone who buries shit and lets her world get colored in any color she doesn't want it to be. I learned in my world, there are good guys and bad guys and some in-between. I am direct, forthright and do not need to be fixed or to fix anyone. My thing is living happily no matter what is happening. I can feel everything everyone else feels, but I tend to handle it in strength... not false bravado and pretty pat answers. I can get mad and everything else, but I am not mad here.

Now... we can have a difference of opinion here. All well and good. I do not believe in enabling poor behavior mine or anyone elses. You can say what that guy did wasn't sexual all you want, but you are talking to a bunch of women that know... a foot fetish is sexual at least on an emotional and he wanted to take it to the physical by asking to kiss your feet. So no matter what you call that LL... he was sexually acting out whether he got that release or not.

So you may have been surprised. I get that. What I don't get is defending this mans actions by explaining them in a manner you would not do with anyone else around here. He behaved badly, put you in an awful situation... maybe not dramatic or something that needed impulsive flipping out as you have indicated or implied that I would do... most likely from my anger in the past. You handled it well in your mind... and you could argue that you did. All good too. Yet, to come here and explain why he is the way he is... there's the problem.

Before I moved and left the home I was in for years with my son... my son was away for a week. I was running all over the place taking care of business because I could get around better without him. I forgot something and had to make one more trip out and I was exhausted. So a man I knew from the neighborhood, not a friend, offered me a ride. He seemed fine... all good, save my spine and body... yeah, I will take that ride. By the time I got home... I knew I put myself in a situation. By the end of it... he had acted poorly. What color are your nipples... I bet they are pink by looking at the rest of you. Do you still like sex. I"ve been wanting to be with you for years, but never got close because of your son... We would have to be sexual if we are going to be together.

This guy had been wanting something for years... had never acted out or on it and yet had projected a full on relationship with me and thought... his way was going to work. What did I do? Did my colored world explode in damaged flipping out? lol No.

I calmly told him I did still like sex, just not with him. Went into my house and made sure he never had access to me again. Done deal. Now... he could go around the neighborhood filled with curiosity because I was one of those dominatrix and cause all sorts of high school drama... okay. Did I flip out because of that or his watching me constantly after that? No. I laughed, made sure my home was secure and went on with my life. I am in my own colored world and doing just fine. No flipping out... no undue residue that taints or colors my world. No delusion like imagining things to be fact that I want to happen. Just simply dealing with my world, taking as much charge as I can and being as happy and determined as I need to be to go to the places I wish to go now that I don't take care of my son.

It is about good self ego and balance. I have both. I surround myself with good, decent people, happy in their lives, maybe struggling but have a good balance within. I don't hang out with broken people, though they may be around me to some degree, they are not welcome as a friend on that level. I may assist them, I may work with them, but they do not enter my personal realm until they can conduct themselves in a manner I want in my life. I don't care who they are. Relative, friend or someone I know.

Now... let's do away with my past and how you think I am unless you have something further that can actually pinpoint your objective. Tell it all, but from this point on.. forget the implication.. let's get to some facts. There are so many lies floating around about me.. I might welcome this.

< Message edited by Rawni -- 3/16/2014 2:22:55 PM >

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/17/2014 1:43:29 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		You admit your life experience has made you who you are. Which means it has colored your world. The good the bad the ugly. Your sons injury has colored your world, beating up twleve girls who were going to attack; yep, colored your world. Can't remember, do you have grandchildren? Yea they color your world as well.

You say you aren't angry, but you sure felt a need to make a long post about how your life experience made you who you but didn't color your world, and apparently you don't understand the term and have such issues you feel the need to take it as a dig at you, which is wasn't.

The premises that this guy somehow sexually assaulted me is how it would make YOU feel. Certainly, if he asked about my nipples, there would have been some damage.

It was not sexual TO ME. You can rant, rave and curse until the cows come home, but I'm not suddenly going to think I was sexually assaulted. Did he make a pass with the kiss my meet comment? Yea. From across the room. Did I freak out? No, I calmly explained why such a thing would be innappropriate.

Oh since, you brought it up...yes, many of my friends are "damaged." But best friend quite seriously so. And when I have been horribly sick, he has been here. Cooked my meals, still does my laundry (the not ruined, just beer smelling sneakers as we speak). Would he like more from me? Yep, very much so. But he knows it isn't happening.

When I look at someone who is damaged, I have the ability to look past the damage and determine what else they might be also.

I don't lock my doors, I don't use burner phones when I give someone my number and I don't set up my computer to ping off several towers so people can't locate me. In my entire life, I have had two men attempt to sexually assault me; an uncle when I was 17 and a gguy that I used to play with when I still played casually. The uncle paid dearly for his mistake, and the other guy is the only person I have ever punched in my life.

Yes, I give off a vibe. Years ago a male firend (who I frequently spent time alone drinking in my house with, God Forbid) told me I have this aura around me that says, "fuck with me and I will hurt you."

I don't dismiss people from my life for one mistake. Never have, never will

To others,

Lonliness played no part in this event at all. He's a friend who was stopping by on his way somewhere else, that he literally passes my house to get to.

There was no "set up" to see if I might be his next partner should his current relationship not work. He certainly knows that would never happen, and he knows why. Simply put, while I can be friends with people who drink or smoke weed, I don't have intimate relationships with them

Sexyred,

You know me better than anyone else on these boards, although I doubt anyone thinks your take on me is correct (though we both know it was spot on).

LC, apparently you and I are in a rare group of women (although not alone) who don't buy into the bullshit about women not being "permitted" to be friends with or spend time with a guy who is involved without being blamed for their every regression.

Honestly, I typically can assess and respond appropriately to nearly every situation with such lightning speed, I'm accused of being impulsive. I'm just wicked smart. Some people need to understand that smart people can do stuff like that.

This was one of the only situations in my whole life that I really didn't have an instinctual reaction to. Meanwhile, so many seem to believe they, given the exact same circumstances would have reacted differently. Maybe they would have but on the other hand they aren't me. My dignity is still intact, as is my virtue. I doubt I can say the same for my firned when he woke up the next day, and that is his cross to bear. Will I let it happen again? No. But not because some people here have said what they said. It won't happen again because now that I know it exists, I'm prepared for it. So if he ever asks to stop by again, all my shoes will be put away, lol.

So thanks everyone who has good reading comprehension and common sense. For the holier than thou who past mistakes have likely been greater than mine, thanks for playing and the consolation prize is a years supply of lemon so you can maintain the sour pusses on your face.

(in reply to Rawni)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/17/2014 2:12:05 AM   
Rawni


Posts: 1175
Status: offline 		You might want to read some of the posts you made to me and see exactly what you implied. I was angry, something about behavior, that I think everyone is suspect, that I rip ass holes all the time, that I thought/believed/etc that what he did was sexual assault, that I made militant comments, etc.

Now you say you didn't mean them as a dig at me. ROFL

Wrong.

The reason I felt your phrasing of color your world as a negative is because of the things you said about me. So, if I took it as a negative, I did so because of the things you implied, assumed, guessed or accused me of.

< Message edited by Rawni -- 3/17/2014 2:19:40 AM >

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/17/2014 2:29:12 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I may not be correct here, but I'm understanding both perspectives. If "random dude on the internet" came on with this story about how he wanted to have a drink from a person's shoe, I'd probably tell them to piss off, too. I don't care about random dude on the internet because I have no familiarity with them at all. Somebody I know? I'm more likely to have more leeway because I know their history. I see their good points as well as bad. Some things to Me are one strike and you're out territory but lessor situations are not. We don't take a person's driving privileges away because they get a single parking ticket. Repeated offenses? Sure. A single, more serious offense? No argument.

In a number of ways, I don't see certain things sexually because I know My own sexual habits. When I know something isn't going to happen, it's just not. Even as someone who enjoys receiving stimulation via the feet, the shoe thing wouldn't have gotten to Me. If I had to pick something to be unhappy about, I'd have been more upset about having to clean the sneakers. I'm not saying that was a great thing but it wouldn't have rocked My world.

We do respond to threads like this based on what we interpret. I heard the term "girlfriend" and that didn't come across as seriously to Me as it may have others. That could be anything from people who are dating to a couple of folks that are living together. For all I know, they see each other once a week for the last three months. From following comments, it's obviously more than that.

I didn't find it to be that odd that a female would see a male without a person's partner present, even if one of them is in a relationship. Plenty of people know how to act with friends of the opposite sex.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/17/2014 3:41:31 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The fact that it wasn't sexual to you, because you're not a foot fetishist doesn't change the fact that you knew it was sexual to him.

Personally, I don't get involved with drunks.
Beyond that, I don't get off on having drunk friends who lack all relationship skills calling me up to solve their problems for them.



_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/17/2014 3:55:58 AM   
SlipSlidingAway


Posts: 223
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

KA,

I think I have already addressed most of what you posted, however, I don't consider my shoes an "intimate" article. Perhaps that is why my view is so different than some others. Other may not quantify a difference, but I do. Sniffing the crotch of my panties would have been a big problem. My shoes? Not intimate to me.


Hi LL, I agree completely that you should be able to have a male friend over without his partner if you trust and respect him (which, up until this event, sounds like you did).

I usually say that it's not my responsibility to inform the other half, after all, he's the one who is responsible for that relationship, not you. On the other hand, as her friend? Afraid it's not as cut and dry as that. I'm glad I am not in your situation as I would have some serious thinking to do.

As for not thinking of the shoe sniffing as an intimate act? I'm not sure you are being completely honest, at least in retrospect. You have been in the lifestyle a long time. When it happened, the shock factor likely had a lot to do with your reaction. However, now? You know this is this man's fetish. After sniffing your shoes he went on to both drink out of them AND asked to kiss your feet...

So, to YOU the shoes are no big deal. But to him? The shoes are every bit as much a turn on (and possibly more so) as the crotch of your panties. You can explain away why you are protecting him, but as a person who is experienced in the lifestyle, you should know that his behavior, drunken or not, crossed a huge line. It WAS intimate to him. And, that's where the problem is.

He involved you in his newly admitted kink, without your consent, and you are defending him. WOULD you be saying the same things about this if it HAD been your panties? Let's replace shoe with panty for a moment. What if, because you allowed him to continue sniffing the panties, he decided to use them to flavor and serve himself some appetizers in them?

Because, the thing is, to him? It has the same significance and similar underlying meaning.

It is a mess, mostly of his making, but yeah, I think you also have some responsibility here. I think, though, much of your mess is related to making excuses for his behavior after the fact. You are basically saying you hope he was drunk enough that he forgets he violated you (which, if you look at it in light of him indulging his fetish, is as much the case as if he had targeted your personally identified intimates for sniffing and tasting) so that you don't have to deal with it. Is that the advice you would be giving anyone else if they were (forgive the pun) in your shoes?



< Message edited by SlipSlidingAway -- 3/17/2014 3:58:30 AM >

_____________________________

"...ethical behavior should be based...on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death. " —Albert Einstein

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/17/2014 4:33:13 AM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		There is no victim here. To become involved means consent was given and up to a point. Far too many excuses are being made, the OP is a regular on BDSM forums and I cannot believe naivete was a factor.
quote:

ORIGINAL: SlipSlidingAway
He involved you in his newly admitted kink, without your consent


(in reply to SlipSlidingAway)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/17/2014 5:24:04 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

DS, I absolutely and very strongly disagree with this:

quote:

You are certainly not blameless. You broke several commonsense rules. You had an attached man with you alone at your place, with him drinking. And you knew the relationship was in trouble. Why are you surprised at what happened? I'd be more surprised if something like it didn't happen. Not to mention that he likely drove home drunk that night. And now, thanks to your telling him that you know all kinds of freaky fetish people, he's likely looking at you as his dirty little secret, his fetish-buddy.


Sorry, we aren't living in the middle ages anymore, a woman CAN have a male over without fear of getting stoned or being blamed if the guy steps out of line.


I'm on the fence about whether it was wrong to be alone with him this time. But I do think that moving forward it would be wrong to be alone with this known heavy drinker with relationship problems, who drinks so much as that she is excusing his behavior due to alcohol and allows that there is the possibility that he had had so much to drink that he will not remember the incident.

"Having a few" does not get you to "blackout drunk."

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Perhaps naively, but I'm still hoping to chalk this up to him having to much to drink. In other words, I'm hoping he doesn't remember his behavior


quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

That's why I'm hoping he just was drunk and forgets.


LL - so how drunk was he? Several charts put blackout drunk in the .2 - .3 BAC category.




< Message edited by kalikshama -- 3/17/2014 5:28:53 AM >

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/17/2014 5:28:27 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Resized the chart:




Attachment (1)

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/17/2014 5:31:48 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		There is nothing wrong with being a single person who has friends of the opposite sex.
There is nothing wrong with spending time with a friend of the opposite sex.
If there was, I would be in big trouble: it is pretty well documented here that I am a part of a couple and as it happens we both have friends of the opposite sex.
I even had a housemate until a couple of years ago, who I used date.
Our dating life ended sometime in the 80s.
[My] Master did not have a problem with that.

I will add that having well identified boundaries is imperative to prevent confusions.
I could not maintain friendships with people who did not likewise understand the importance of that.

It may not have been a come-on.
That does not mean it wasn't sexual for him.
It was.

But it surprised you, you needed time to process, and now you have.
You also have found a good way of handling the error on your part and you can now restore clarity to your situation with your friend.


_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/17/2014 5:33:01 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SlipSlidingAway

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

KA,

I think I have already addressed most of what you posted, however, I don't consider my shoes an "intimate" article. Perhaps that is why my view is so different than some others. Other may not quantify a difference, but I do. Sniffing the crotch of my panties would have been a big problem. My shoes? Not intimate to me.


As for not thinking of the shoe sniffing as an intimate act? I'm not sure you are being completely honest, at least in retrospect. You have been in the lifestyle a long time. When it happened, the shock factor likely had a lot to do with your reaction. However, now? You know this is this man's fetish. After sniffing your shoes he went on to both drink out of them AND asked to kiss your feet...

So, to YOU the shoes are no big deal. But to him? The shoes are every bit as much a turn on (and possibly more so) as the crotch of your panties. You can explain away why you are protecting him, but as a person who is experienced in the lifestyle, you should know that his behavior, drunken or not, crossed a huge line. It WAS intimate to him. And, that's where the problem is.

He involved you in his newly admitted kink, without your consent, and you are defending him. WOULD you be saying the same things about this if it HAD been your panties? Let's replace shoe with panty for a moment. What if, because you allowed him to continue sniffing the panties, he decided to use them to flavor and serve himself some appetizers in them?

Because, the thing is, to him? It has the same significance and similar underlying meaning.

It is a mess, mostly of his making, but yeah, I think you also have some responsibility here. I think, though, much of your mess is related to making excuses for his behavior after the fact. You are basically saying you hope he was drunk enough that he forgets he violated you (which, if you look at it in light of him indulging his fetish, is as much the case as if he had targeted your personally identified intimates for sniffing and tasting) so that you don't have to deal with it. Is that the advice you would be giving anyone else if they were (forgive the pun) in your shoes?


Agrees that since his fetish is shoes what he did was like sniffing her panties.

(in reply to SlipSlidingAway)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/17/2014 5:57:51 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		I have often been put in the situation of having to play family therapist to my friends. I just don't play that game anymore. It's too hard for me not to be judgmental when being the moderator between a couple, and taking sides in this sort of situation is never a good idea.

Sure, he made a pass with the shoe thing. He most likely thinks LL is someone open minded enough to understand some of his quirks. Was he setting her up to help him cheat on his GF? Who knows? If he knows her at all he should know that won't fly.

But he was drunk and he let his personal genie out of the lamp. It's not always easy to know how to deal with someone making a pass.

I don't think every mild pass should be construed as sexual assault.

I didn't see LL as taking his side so much as explaining his side.

However, Ishy made some good points, specifically about his crossing a MAJOR boundary.

quote:

Fetish or no fetish, a person who pours beer in my shoes without checking with me first if that's ok would no longer be invited into my life. To do so if a sign that they do not understand the simplest of social boundaries and personal space, which means there is no place for them in my life.


When someone shows me they are willing to cross the simplest of social boundaries, now I don't know what other lines they will cross. Now I have to back well away from them, b/c I don't know who they are. And if I don't know who you are, I don't know if you can be a danger to me.

LL has to make it clear that he can't cross that boundary again. And I would most certainly suggest she not be alone with him.

_____________________________



(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/17/2014 6:18:13 AM   
SlipSlidingAway


Posts: 223
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMorrigan

There is no victim here. To become involved means consent was given and up to a point. Far too many excuses are being made, the OP is a regular on BDSM forums and I cannot believe naivete was a factor.
quote:

ORIGINAL: SlipSlidingAway
He involved you in his newly admitted kink, without your consent




I disagree. The surprise factor at the time,and the fear of doing psychological damage to a friend who had just told her his dirty little secret (as he sees it) could well account for what you consider consent. The fact that what he did did not feel intimate to her at the time, mingled with the fact that she did not expect what happened, is not naive. Being kinky does not make us any less human and I can certainly see her point in the moment.

It's the after the moment, when contemplating what happened and trying to sort through it, that things get more muddled.

_____________________________

"...ethical behavior should be based...on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death. " —Albert Einstein

(in reply to MissMorrigan)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/17/2014 6:36:33 AM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		Two people interacting. One is the home dweller, the other a guest. The guest continues to behave at a pace the home dweller dictates. For something to occur this requires cooperation and for one to acquiesce.. .. an unspoken permission. I had to laugh at the surprise factor being played here, a drunk person behaving to type - by type I'm referring to acting in ways that indicates a lessening of inhibitions by the consumption of alcohol, the OP in her own words has said she's pretty much seen it all from her previous employment where drunks were common along with associated alcohol-induced antics. There's no surprise element. Yet another excuse.

I have male friends, that also have partners, I see on a regular basis and we are strictly that, friends and we spend one-to-one time with one another - it's nothing we haven't done dozens of times previously. Hell, one even slept in my bed with me (only one bed and my floor was already taken with someone else) and my friend laughed her arse off at the ridiculousness of the situ - they were having work done to their place so he couldn't crash there and she was away so he stayed the night and she trusts us both implicitly anyway so the set up was he slept in his t'shirt/boxers, me in an ankle length nightie (had to dig deep for that one!) and we outdid one another in the snoring stakes. We know the boundaries and respect one another not to cross them. This in no way would have happened, but let's say an alien had snatched him prior to arriving at mine and reprogrammed his sensibilities. .. and he started acting out of character, ie we'd been drinking, he started being even mildly sexually suggestive towards me, "I've always wondered what it would be like to worship a dominant woman's feet and clean her shoes with my tongue". I'd have put him up at a local Travelodge at my expense. And had a friend's man showed up after one of their fights clearly intoxicated and starts on with the, "I think you're cool, I really like you" routine. .. that's when I show him the door. I like to head things off so that we can continue respecting one another. The bottom line, my friends respect me to never cross that line.

(in reply to SlipSlidingAway)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/17/2014 6:45:07 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

he started being even mildly sexually suggestive towards me, "I've always wondered what it would be like to worship a dominant woman's feet and clean her shoes with my tongue". I'd have put him up at a local Travelodge at my expense. And had a friend's man showed up after one of their fights clearly intoxicated and starts on with the, "I think you're cool, I really like you" routine. .. that's when I show him the door. I like to head things off so that we can continue respecting one another. The bottom line, my friends respect me to never cross that line.


Really? They never cross that line when you just gave 2 examples where they clearly crossed a line. But you blame LL for something similar happening to her?

I'm stunned that you don't see that you're trying to fool us and yourself here.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to MissMorrigan)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/17/2014 6:51:01 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		But let's not forget, this wasn't an 'ordinary' pass. Now, I don't know LL personally. I don't believe we've ever had any email correspondence, we've certainly never talked on the phone. What I know about her I know from the forums.

Having said that, I can't think of anyone on here less likely to cheat with an attached man. I may not always agree with her, but I respect her b/c (like me) she lives within her own personal ethics.

Again, this wasn't an ordinary pass. Yes he crossed some major personal boundaries, and I agree for a foot fetishists, it was highly sexual to HIM.

I think LL wanted to inform, to educate, I can certainly see myself doing that if faced with this situation. It's only looking back in hindsight we see all the red flags and boundaries crossed.

If anyone thinks they would have done better in terms of upholding their boundaries all I can say is, that's easy to say, you weren't there.

_____________________________



(in reply to MissMorrigan)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/17/2014 7:17:51 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact



I didn't find it to be that odd that a female would see a male without a person's partner present, even if one of them is in a relationship. Plenty of people know how to act with friends of the opposite sex.



I'm the one that originally brought that up. A little background... I'm active in the local community. My reputation means a LOT. If I were not affiliated with the community, I wouldn't find this, a situation that could result in rumors, to be so much of an issue.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/17/2014 7:18:01 AM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline 		Something has been nagging at me since right before my second post (the response to my first post). It's not something that's been stated; just this insidious feeling that's been knocking at my brain to be let out.

I can't help but wonder if the OP wishes this were more than just a friend? I mean, on some level. Was there EVER a more intimate attraction?

We've seen it before - newbs get interested in the lifestyle and a more experienced person offers to be their "mentor" or "protector" and, somewhere down the line, the newb is a new partner.

I am NOT saying there's any evidence to suggest this and I may just be reading "signals" that aren't there but, to me, it explains the defense of actions that, exhibited in others, would have earned a flame-throwing response.





_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Did I just create a mess? - 3/17/2014 10:49:23 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
I'm the one that originally brought that up. A little background... I'm active in the local community. My reputation means a LOT. If I were not affiliated with the community, I wouldn't find this, a situation that could result in rumors, to be so much of an issue.

Steven, thank you for the above. That is probably why it wasn't an issue to Me. When the arrangement was made for a quick drink at her place, for all she knew, it was her vanilla friend. Not a community person and not somebody who was identifying as a bottom/fetishist.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 80
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 3 [4] 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> RE: Did I just create a mess? Page: <<   < prev  1 2 3 [4] 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109