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not sure where to start - 3/19/2014 12:49:44 PM

foreverstudent

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So I finley got up the courage to ask my husband to be my Dom. I Have been doing my research and trying to ease him I to things. So far we have had a lot of fun and have had more sex then we have in a long time. The problem we seem to have is outside the bedroom I am the Dom. Are there ways to help him feel more Dom in our every day life. I do all the house work and cook so I am having trouble trying to find ways to be submissive for him. We have kids so that makes it even harder. Also he doesn't want anyone to know what we do so can a person learn on their own without attending munchs and work shops. He doesn't want to hurt me but I live to be tied up and humiliated. He wants to be safe if he is going to do anything.

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RE: not sure where to start - 3/19/2014 1:01:00 PM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: foreverstudent
The problem we seem to have is outside the bedroom I am the Dom.

Can you be more specific about why this is a problem and what you mean by "dom outside the bedroom"?

quote:

Are there ways to help him feel more Dom in our every day life.

Yup. you know that word "exchange" in the phrase "power exchange". You rely on that. Us humans are a HIGHLY social species. If you submit, he will dom. That works out pretty nicely because rather than trying to change him (which is largely impossible for you) you are changing yourself (which is entirely possible).

quote:

I do all the house work and cook so I am having trouble trying to find ways to be submissive for him.

Yeah, this sentence makes me certain I need more information about what the problem is. How are things now? How do you wish they were? What is the gap between them?

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RE: not sure where to start - 3/19/2014 1:04:55 PM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: foreverstudent
I do all the house work and cook so I am having trouble trying to find ways to be submissive for him. We have kids so that makes it even harder.

Submissiveness doesn't have to involve anything that you can't do in front of your kids. Think back to a traditional 1950s marriage. Serve his meal first. Anticipate his needs for drinks or food. Dry him off when he's out of the shower. And one of the big one's for my Master: when he calls you, go to stand in front of him instead of yelling "what" across the house.

Just use your head and give it some thought.

quote:

Also he doesn't want anyone to know what we do so can a person learn on their own without attending munchs and work shops. He doesn't want to hurt me but I live to be tied up and humiliated. He wants to be safe if he is going to do anything.

Considering some of the things we do are pretty dangerous and can cause harm, the best way to learn is by attending demonstrations. I would think that your safety would trump his "not wanting anyone to know". Especially since every at those demos are there for the same exact reason you are.

There are some good books at the top of the forum. I would suggest the Jay Wiseman book and The Topping Book.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 3/19/2014 1:05:36 PM >

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RE: not sure where to start - 3/19/2014 1:48:03 PM

Focus50

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I think you're dealing with different scenarios here.

"In the bedroom", he sees it as sexual role play. In this theoretical world of sexual equality, he takes charge in so much as you let him do so and encourage him to do so for the gratification of both of you. He's the "top" and you're the "bottom". Fair enough, lots of couples spice up their (waning?) sex life in such ways....

But then, that's not entirely what *you* want. Rather than a bedroom top, you want him to be the relationship dominant. Trouble is, that isn't role play. If that's who he was at his core, you wouldn't hafta ask. To teach or encourage someone to be dominant (or submissive) is, I dunno, akin to teaching/encouraging a gay to be straight or even a male to be female etc. And it just won't happen....

You can't teach, learn or mould/encourage such base personality traits, you can only find someone who already has them. And if you're otherwise happy with hubby, then be very careful what you wish for.

Focus.

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RE: not sure where to start - 3/19/2014 2:15:12 PM

foreverstudent

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I feel I need to specify. My husband can and likes to be the Dom. I was a single mom when we met and he let me take the lead. Now that we both have talked about what we both really want we are having trouble rereversing the roles. I do like the idea of the 1950s house wife approach. I can be that way and I know he would love it. Now I just have to figure out how to get him to see that workshops are the best way to be safe.

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RE: not sure where to start - 3/19/2014 3:34:20 PM

Arturas

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quote:

ORIGINAL: foreverstudent

I feel I need to specify. My husband can and likes to be the Dom. I was a single mom when we met and he let me take the lead. Now that we both have talked about what we both really want we are having trouble rereversing the roles. I do like the idea of the 1950s house wife approach. I can be that way and I know he would love it. Now I just have to figure out how to get him to see that workshops are the best way to be safe.

He needs motivation that comes with confidence. Go on Amazon and buy two books. Start with Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns... and The Loving Dominant. The first is entertaining for both of you with information that fits you both and your goals. The second is perfect for help in basic skillsets and scene developement. Both these books work well for a couple or a single Dom or submissive because they are so expansive in their scope.

These books will give him knowledge to know what direction he wants to take and make him more confident and confidence plus motivation (and he has motivations) will have him turning the corner, and it will be fun. Very much so. And it is private. Privacy is important.

P.S. searching these on Amazon will also provide you with a "booklist" of other good books you and he might and likely will be interested in. The shibari book is great.

Good luck.

< Message edited by Arturas -- 3/19/2014 3:59:38 PM >

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RE: not sure where to start - 3/19/2014 3:53:02 PM

DesFIP

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Does he like peas and hate zucchini? Then you submitting includes cooking a lot of peas and no zucchini.

The Man has decreed that Brussel Sprouts are never to enter the door again. I can promise you that my kids have not been scarred for life by this. Only me

He hates having the sink full of dishes so I don't let it pile up for more than a couple of hours.

He's complaining that his UnderArmour shirts get mixed up with his regular tee shirts, and from now on, when doing laundry, I am to put them in a different drawer.

Finding time for kinky sex can be difficult. You may need to do some sound proofing.

But he could pick your panties every morning. He could spank you once a week no matter what. He could have you kneel by the bed and ask permission to enter it. He could tell you to be in bed by 11 while he gets to stay up and watch the news. He could chain you to the bed at night.

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RE: not sure where to start - 3/19/2014 4:04:59 PM

foreverstudent

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I would just like to thank everyone for their input. It is good to know there are people who are willing to help us learn about the lifestyle. We will be reading all the book suggestions. Again thankyou all.

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RE: not sure where to start - 3/19/2014 4:31:32 PM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
The Man has decreed that Brussel Sprouts are never to enter the door again. I can promise you that my kids have not been scarred for life by this. Only me

This (and the whole post). Even in the most master/slavey 24/7 yada yada couple I have ever seen what him being the master tended to look like was that 50's thing... man's in charge.. woman obeys. Sure sure, there were moments when way kinky things happened. But most moments sounded more like Des' post.

And who knows what might develop from there? What I can tell you is that for Carol and I it's been a fun ride. Never in a zillion years would we have expected to end up where we did but you now... you join hands and take the plunge and laugh and be in love and all is good :)

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RE: not sure where to start - 3/19/2014 6:03:01 PM

littlewonder

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RE: not sure where to start - 3/20/2014 9:08:41 AM

FeralFoxy

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Am I the only one seeing the Jeff/Arturas name swap?

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RE: not sure where to start - 3/20/2014 9:10:57 AM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FeralFoxy
Am I the only one seeing the Jeff/Arturas name swap?

LOL, I have no idea what that means but man it sure is creepy.

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I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
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RE: not sure where to start - 3/20/2014 9:12:17 AM

FeralFoxy

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It was very creepy, but seems to have corrected itself.

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