Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom?

Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

heartlessgoddess -> Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/21/2014 7:50:20 AM)
Sorry if my english isn't perfect, it's my second language. My boyfriend and I have been together for seven months. We are both in our early 20s, but neither of us has any sexual experience, because we come from a conservative cultural background. So you are probably wondering, how do I know that I'm a Domme if I've never had sex before? Well, I know for certain, because I've had these thoughts and fantasies from when I was young, even before I knew what sex was. Vanilla sex (or thinking about vanilla sex) does nothing for me. I have no reaction to vanilla porn at all. It's non-sexual to me. When I watch femdom, it's exciting and arousing to me. I know what I want , and I know what I like. I love my boyfriend, I can't over-emphasize that, and even if he is vanilla, I wouldn't leave him for that reason. I hope I can convert him. I'm assuming he is vanilla, because we never talked about sex, but I gave him hints, and I even told him that I have a bossy side,which didn't seem to get his interest. So now we are serious (planning to get married), and sex is after marriage according to our culture. I love him and I want to marry him but the thing that scares me the most is the sex. What if we're not sexually compatible? what if he hates the idea of female domination? He isn't a sexist, and he supports women's rights, etc.. but that's not the same as being submissive. I actually want to be with someone who is submissive and not just open-minded to try new things , because I want him to be turned on just as much as me. I'm not a true sadistic, because it's not fun to me if he doesn't secretly like it too. Since he doesn't have any sexual experience (virgin) and I heard that men's first sexual experiences influences their preferences , maybe I can make him submissive, by setting the tone for our sex life early on. I was thinking that I would start off slow and gradually increase the kinkiness so it seems natural and he doesn't even realize what's happening until it's too late. Also, everytime we have sex , I would dominate him a little more , e.g. woman-on-top sex , holding him down, grabbing his hair, etc.... and especially during the ejaculation part ,so I can condition him to associate sexual pleasure with his submission . Then again, he's not a dog, so simple conditioning might not work that well. So what do you think? can vanilla men be turned submissive? I guess I have no option but to find out Any advice/suggestions would be appreciated.. and especially from submissive men, if you ever had the moment where it 'clicked' in your mind, what was it about the sexual experience that made you switch from vanilla to submissive ?

TenderTorment -> RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/21/2014 8:01:07 AM)
You talk about converting or conditioning him, why not begin with communicating with him, you are going to marry the guy so you should be able to broach any subject with him. Just a thought. ETA...The advance apology for your English wasn't necessary, for a 2nd language you came across fine

DarkSteven -> RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/21/2014 8:05:09 AM)
First, you are talking about bedroom-only Domination. You haven't addressed who's in charge outside the bedroom. So you see femDom porn and it revs your engine. I'd be more direct. When kissing him, give him a swat or two. Or hold his hands together in your one hand and let the other one roam. You say "I'm not a true sadistic, because it's not fun to me if he doesn't secretly like it too. " That's not a sadist, that's a nonconsensual abuser, and we try to run those folks out of town in Colorado.

FieryOpal -> RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/21/2014 8:08:19 AM)
Well, this is a tough one. You've been together for 7 months and haven't had sex yet. Are you planning to get married soon? I imagine in your culture, there isn't a 1-year window between engagement and wedding which would allow you more time to get to know one another better before taking the plunge. I would seriously advise you to wait at least another 6 months before planning on spending the rest of your life with your fiancé . Not knowing or seeing any discernible signs of his submissiveness could be a recipe for disaster. I believe you that you know in your heart of hearts that you are a Dominant female. I knew this too at an early age. Not getting turned on by vanilla sex when that's the only assurance you have with your sweetheart is not encouraging. Having unfulfilling sex is often worse than having no sex at all. Please take things slowly. Don't let your passions fuel you into making a rash and premature decision. I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but he may not be the right man for you. You might want to consider going beyond dropping subtle or not-so-subtle hints and be more upfront about how you are wired and what you want in your mate and life partner. Think of it as a partnership negotiation. If what you have to offer is not appreciated, and what he has to offer you to meet your intimacy needs is not sufficient, you will both suffer for it in the long run. [Edited to swap out word]

FrostedFlake -> RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/21/2014 8:57:15 AM)
You are late.

MasterCaneman -> RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/21/2014 9:05:47 AM)
First of all, hello and welcome to the boards, heartlessgoddess. I've sent you a personal message. As for your question, ask yourself this, weren't you 'vanilla' at one time as well? The folks who've already answered your question have given you some good information. The next step is for you to sit down with your fiance and let him know what you're about. You may be surprised to find out he may already have more than an inkling as to what 'turns your gears', so to speak. The hallmark of all successful relationships is communication, and even if us men are sometimes monosyllabic at times, we do have the capacity to understand that. Talk to him, in a neutral setting, when you both are comfortable and relaxed.

windchymes -> RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/21/2014 10:12:21 AM)
You really need to tell him as soon as possible. Yes, there is a chance that he will not accept it, and there is a chance that he will. But if him being your submissive is an absolute requirement for you, him refusing to be so could be what we call a "deal breaker". You need to find out so that neither of you invest any more in the relationship, and you may have to accept that you are incompatible as a couple. I do wish you the best and hope things work out for you.

foreverstudent -> RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/21/2014 10:27:13 AM)
I was just in your shoes. I was with my husband for three years before we got married. We have been married for almost two years now. It took a lot but I finley told him about my feelings. I am a submissive and didn't think he would want to be dominant. I sure was wrong. Let me ask you this. can you live with vanilla sex for the rest of your life? Don't be afraid to talk. If he loves you he shouldn't make you feel bad about it. Too many people let themselfs be unhappy because they are afraid to say how they feel. I know I was there.

searching4mysir -> RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/21/2014 10:49:46 AM)
FR BDSM and D/s require good communication. If you can't talk frankly about sex with him, you aren't really ready to have sex with him (let alone marry him). It would be unfair to you BOTH for you to try to convert someone who isn't wired the same way you are, especially if you marry him without discussing it with him first. Just as you have a right to be Domme, he has a right to be vanilla.

JeffBC -> RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/21/2014 11:37:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: heartlessgoddess So what do you think? can vanilla men be turned submissive? Well, this [sexually] vanilla guy can be turned into a sadist. For me being "vanilla" doesn't mean that I don't care about sex or that I'm boring as hell in the bedroom. It just means I don't have a strong interest in bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. I'm neutral on the topic. If such things brought a lot of happiness to Carol then I'd be very interested in exploring. Why not? Sounds like a net win for our marriage. quote: I guess I have no option but to find out Yeah, the future is like that :) quote: Any advice/suggestions would be appreciated.. and especially from submissive men, if you ever had the moment where it 'clicked' in your mind, what was it about the sexual experience that made you switch from vanilla to submissive ? I'm not a submissive male. I'm dominant out of the bedroom and neutral-ish in the bedroom. What made sadism "click" for me is the fact that I was making it click. I WANTED to dig inside myself and find that snarly bit of energy and make it work because Carol wanted to explore that. So motivated by my love for her I imagined what sort of energy would reasonably be driving a statement like "blow me bitch" and summoned it up. It wasn't all that hard. By the way, I respond extraordinarily poorly to being manipulated. Your plan would be fraught with peril with me when I found out about it. Even if I liked the end result I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like the price tag. You would've damaged my trust in you terribly. You'd be lucky if we were having sex at all much less with you in any sort of controlling position. I could see it ending in divorce. I hope you know your fiancée well if you persist in that plan. I like the whole "go slow" thing but I'd want to do it openly and with his active cooperation.

DomDolf -> RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/24/2014 8:38:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: foreverstudent If he loves you he shouldn't make you feel bad about it. If he reacts badly it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It may be an insecurity on his part. In certain cultures, female domination wouldn't be seen as normal at all and an inexperienced man may never have considered such a concept. It might rock his world and cause doubts of his own understanding of not only this woman, but sex and relationships. OP - The trick here is not to take any reaction from him personal and be truthful about your needs and your desires, which may not be dependent on each other. Allow that truth to guide your next move.

anniezz338 -> RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/24/2014 3:52:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC By the way, I respond extraordinarily poorly to being manipulated. Your plan would be fraught with peril with me when I found out about it. Even if I liked the end result I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like the price tag. You would've damaged my trust in you terribly. You'd be lucky if we were having sex at all much less with you in any sort of controlling position. I could see it ending in divorce. I hope you know your fiancée well if you persist in that plan. I like the whole "go slow" thing but I'd want to do it openly and with his active cooperation. I agree with this. Anytime I see posts about turning vanilla people into a dom, sub, top bottom, etc., I see some trouble that could be brewing. Especially if the other does not know about it yet. What if he does not want to be a sub? How are you going to live with that?

LafayetteLady -> RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/24/2014 4:02:01 PM)
OP, why do you feel it is ok to be duplicitous about this as opposed to having an honest discussion?

FightingChains -> RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/24/2014 4:12:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady OP, why do you feel it is ok to be duplicitous about this as opposed to having an honest discussion? And why do you view people being careful what they say because they don't want to freak out their partner as "duplicitous"?

DarkSteven -> RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/24/2014 4:15:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman us men are sometimes monosyllabic at times That's only because it is physically impossible to be zero-syllabic.

RemoteUser -> RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/24/2014 4:17:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven That's only because it is physically impossible to be zero-syllabic. "..." (Also considered Morse and whalesong.)

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/24/2014 4:20:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FightingChains quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady OP, why do you feel it is ok to be duplicitous about this as opposed to having an honest discussion? And why do you view people being careful what they say because they don't want to freak out their partner as "duplicitous"? Because anyone in a serious or semi-serious relationship should be able to bring up a subject directly and honestly. To have to go creeping around on egg-shells is just being deceptive and dishonest with their partner. For many people, that would be an absolute deal breaker.

FightingChains -> RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/24/2014 4:29:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1 Because anyone in a serious or semi-serious relationship should be able to bring up a subject directly and honestly. To have to go creeping around on egg-shells is just being deceptive and dishonest with their partner. For many people, that would be an absolute deal breaker. I care about my partner. I risked scaring him if I told him I like hurting guys. So I didn't. That wasn't deceptive. It was a choice that it was something he didn't need to know. Does he know now? Yes, because we got to a stage where it was just right to say. Doesn't mean I was being deceptive. I find that notion rather offensive. It was a judgement call, and at the time, it was the right one. Helped him get to know my character as a protective and loving partner. I am glad for the decisions I made.

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/24/2014 4:43:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FightingChains quote: ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1 Because anyone in a serious or semi-serious relationship should be able to bring up a subject directly and honestly. To have to go creeping around on egg-shells is just being deceptive and dishonest with their partner. For many people, that would be an absolute deal breaker. I care about my partner. I risked scaring him if I told him I like hurting guys. So I didn't. That wasn't deceptive. It was a choice that it was something he didn't need to know. Does he know now? Yes, because we got to a stage where it was just right to say. Doesn't mean I was being deceptive. I find that notion rather offensive. It was a judgement call, and at the time, it was the right one. Helped him get to know my character as a protective and loving partner. I am glad for the decisions I made. Maybe I'm much more pragmatic than you. I like to have my cards on the table so there are no surprises later down the line. Something as important as that, I would certainly not want to continue the relationship. I see it in the same critical light in that I wanted a female as a partner. If I later found out that it was a TG, I'd walk. Simple. Small little things are ok. But this sounds like something major that needs/should be discussed openly before they get married. It's not like they've only just met - they have been together for 7 months already. That should be more than long enough to broach the subject by now in an honest manner. In a normal(?!) western-style relationship, things are usually discussed when the moment is right. However, this doesn't strike me as the usual western-style 'open' relationship. And even more so that they have both agreed to wait for marriage before having sex. That sort of culture usually (but not always) assumes the "standard" male-ruling type of arrangement. If that is the case, OP's new hubby is more than likely going to be horrified that his new wifey-woo wants him to be the sub in the relationship. I can see this seriously backfiring on OP.

DesFIP -> RE: Introducing my vanilla fiance to femdom? (3/24/2014 5:12:19 PM)
Talk to him. You know what turns you on because of what you fantasize about. Guess what? He has fantasies also and he already knows what they are. Ask him what they are. Make sure you two are compatible. But what if he wants you to submit? Can you do that happily for the rest of your life even if it doesn't give you a satisfying sex life?

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

4.589844E-02