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new submissive with behavior question - 7/8/2006 9:34:46 AM   
hisforever


Posts: 81
Joined: 7/8/2006
Status: offline 		Hello, I am new, well, not exactly.  My husband and I have touched on this a few times in the past, and he now wants a 24/7 Dom/sub relationship.  My whole problem is when we tried this last time, I was very defiant and would act out and not listen.  I really want to please him, but in order to do that I need to curb that side of me.  I am a very strong willed individual, but desire the control this gives me.  Anyone else have experience with this, how did you curb your behavior?  Thanks for any advice!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: new submissive with behavior question - 7/8/2006 9:58:34 AM   
LokisBrat


Posts: 431
Joined: 12/5/2005
From: Mayberry, Illinois
Status: offline 		Loki and got together under very "vanilla" circumstances, and after 8 years together, we began to explore this lifestyle.  I too have issue at times in dealing with the changes in our relationship.  While we are not 24/7, we are working toward that as a goal in the future.
There was a thread General that covers something like the issues you seem to be facing, it is titled something like "Act" like a Submissive or something similar.  I'm sure a General search with the word "act" will turn it up if it isn't still visible. 
In that thread, I posted regarding having to swallow my own desire for power at times. If I truly want to please Loki, and be submissive to him, this is a necessary step for me. 
Communication, regarding my feelings and his, has been the best thing for us, IMO.
Hope that helps a bit!


Brat


_____________________________

"My pleasure, your pain. Doesn't matter, its all the same"

-Loki

(in reply to hisforever)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: new submissive with behavior question - 7/8/2006 9:58:42 AM   
dmarc


Posts: 38
Joined: 11/9/2004
Status: offline 		Hi there
 Curbing Behaviour, is challenging, but if you are willing to do it, that is your first step, The second is to become aware of when your defiant, or don't listen. Then once your able to notice when your aware of your behaviour, then the next time you notice your behaviour, then you control it and don't let it spoil. You and your partner’s fun.
 
Hope that helps.
 
Dmarc 

(in reply to hisforever)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: new submissive with behavior question - 7/8/2006 10:16:02 AM   
LokisBrat


Posts: 431
Joined: 12/5/2005
From: Mayberry, Illinois
Status: offline 		Here's the thread I was referring to:

http://www.collarchat.com/tm.asp?m=461677

Brat


_____________________________

"My pleasure, your pain. Doesn't matter, its all the same"

-Loki

(in reply to dmarc)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: new submissive with behavior question - 7/8/2006 12:16:57 PM   
selenaMD


Posts: 56
Joined: 6/1/2006
Status: offline 		greetings hisforever,

becoming involved in 24/7 relationships is certainly a challenge.  it takes a major change in mindset because you have to be "on" 24/7.  but any Master/Dom worth their salt also realizes that "life happens".  They realize that every slave/sub has issues both past and present that might prevent them being able to 100% perfect 100% of the time.  selena isn't saying all this to give you a cop out though *chuckles* merely to point out that even being 24/7 sometimes means being able to take a "time out".  selena's Master is her life and her sole thought at all times is to please Him.  each circumstance she encounters, the first thought is "what response to this situation will make Master the happiest?".   that is the mindset that needs to be developed and it takes time for a strong willed individual to really think of another in life before themselves.  not in an egocentric kind of way, but just because it is an entirely new way to think from what we are hard wired to do.  communication is paramount though, being able to express when things in life are preventing you from performing up to His expectations.  don't bottle things up then respond badly in a situation that arises, where He is left scratching His head wondering where that came from.  if you are uncomfortable opening up to Him in person, get a live journal and give Him the link so He can read it and find out what may be going on in that head of yours.  don't use life experiences as an excuse for every misbehaviour, cause that will only encourage you to not change, but also don't try to do something that you are menatl or physically incapable of doing because you don't want to dissapoint.  no Master/Dom wants a broken slave/sub.

hope this helps a little
selena{MD}
devoted property of Master Mark

(in reply to LokisBrat)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: new submissive with behavior question - 7/8/2006 2:46:30 PM   
mylittlesub


Posts: 30
Joined: 6/3/2005
Status: offline 		hisforever:  I think it speaks very well of you that you are seeking to learn and educate yourself in this exploration and new direction your marriage is taking.  I am a bit concerned, however, by your statement that "he now wants a 24/7 Dom/sub relationship".  That's all well and good... but what about what YOU want? 

My first suggestion would be for you both to sit down and have a very long discussion on what you BOTH want out of the relationship, both as a married couple and as a D/s couple.  Discuss your concerns, your fantasies, your hopes, your questions, your needs.  Its just as important that your needs are met, too, because only then can you truly serve him.

Does he fully understand the responsibility that comes with being a Dominant?  Or is it just about wanting you to wait on him hand and foot and never refuse him sex?    Is he aware of the mindset of being dominant, or does he think its about you obeying his orders?  Have you discussed your limits?  Are you comfortable with his inexperience while you both learn together?

If you also feel he is looking out for your best interests and ultimately wants your happiness as much as his own, then that may go a long way toward relieving your resistance.  Realize that it takes time to submit to someone, even someone you have been married to, but that it may very well be a wonderful way to deepen your marriage if you can both communicate openly and honestly.

Good luck to you both!

(in reply to hisforever)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: new submissive with behavior question - 7/8/2006 4:02:46 PM   
Curiossdragnlily


Posts: 105
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline 		To give up that behavior takes a great deal of communication and trust. the fact that you are willing is a good step and to the degree that is needed for that kind of trust and communication takes time. Once that starts happening it is such a freeing feeling. That doesn't mean that you have no rights or decisions. They are just within the parameters that Y/you B/both have agreed upon. Also that doesn't mean that you can not diagree with Him. It is just the matter and way that it is expressed that is important.
with respect,
lily, collared and owned slave of Master Curios
srn 308-692-331

(in reply to hisforever)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: new submissive with behavior question - 7/8/2006 6:13:44 PM   
babysburnin


Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline 		I'm sure this may be "unpopular"... But, I do believe it's as much Him as you. 

Changing dynamics in an established relationship is VERY tricky.  The fact that you want to please Him is a great sign.  He must also wish to be a great Dom/Master.  It must be "baby steps" away from the normal dynamic.  It could be so much fun if you both look at it as a journey...

What happens when/if one of you decides... it's not for me?  Food for thought. 

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to hisforever)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: new submissive with behavior question - 7/8/2006 6:17:27 PM   
kisshou


Posts: 2425
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		why were you defiant, acting out and not listening?  what were you gaining by that behavior?

I don't think you will be able to curb this behavior until you figure out the why behind it.

(in reply to hisforever)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: new submissive with behavior question - 7/9/2006 7:30:55 AM   
hisforever


Posts: 81
Joined: 7/8/2006
Status: offline 		thank you all for your responses.  Yes I have given this much thought, and have come to the decision that this is what will make me happy.  We have sat down and talked at length, done much research, and have decided to start along this journey.  He would like me to do more research on my own to help me with my behavior, and He has stated that He will be patient in helping me change that.  As to why I am acting out, that is something I am looking inside myself to figure out.  I am thinking that maybe it is just my way of trying to control a situation or "top from the bottom" as they say, which is something I need to learn to stop LOL  Again, thank you all for helping me along my journey and I look forward to getting to know you all better!

(in reply to kisshou)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: new submissive with behavior question - 7/9/2006 10:12:51 AM   
babyboyk


Posts: 90
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline 		im sure your Husband Master loves you for who you are, im sure hell enjoy the challenge that your personality brings to the party. wheres the fun in a perfectly well behaved sub? i mean youll have fun, if you want to curb the side of your behavoiur you want to control, best of luck on your journey, im sure Yyou both will enjoy it :-)

(in reply to hisforever)
Profile   Post #: 11
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